Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I am in love.

I am glad the emo is done with. That whole day of crying at work and being over dramatic was all for nothing as I figured it would be. Clint is trying to get back into my life. Well, I'm not against it. He was my best friend and at times only friend for the past four years and it would nice to have him back in that regard. And, to be honest with the lack of sex and real physical contact that existed between us there for quite a while - I don't think it'll be too hard to have it happen.

You can still tell me no - but for fuck's sake you have to do it outright. I should, as a good girlfriend and person, realize your wants and comply. However, I am stubborn - always have been and will continue to be until I die (and probably afterwards).

I've known that I've that I loved you longer than I would let myself say it. Still, at times it seems strange. When the time-space continuum shifts and I can see the real world's speed. . . However, I didn't know how much, and how real until the other night. First - I had an overwhelming need to --- consume? I've never felt that way before, and while it was almost unnerving, it was great as well. I don't know if I've needed anything as much as I needed the taste of your flesh and to feel you as I did then. As you said, "that's not you, it's me." Well, that quote doesn't make sense in the blog based off of the fact that it was you saying it and me only agreeing not me saying it on a different matter, but what the hey.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was this - In Montage as you describe how that restaurant breaks down your abilities, the light from outside and the candle mingled in perfect harmony on your face and danced in your irises with glee. You seemed to nearly glow. As I stared into your eyes a feeling of pure peace washed over me and my heart felt warm and full to the point of bursting. In fact, so much emotion was welling forth I thought my face would break from a smile or that tears would well in my eyes. I'm not sure if any extra moisture made it to my optical orbs, however I do know that a smile most surely passed across my face. Not only that but.. God I don't know how to describe how it feels to look at someone you love.... like warm, directed... love beams shooting from your eyes. The feeling is so intense at times and it is usually at these times that you ask me what I am feeling - because it is intense and felt in every portion of my face it amazes me that you cannot tell - whether you can read me or not ... I don't know, you should be able to read that.

In short... I love you. Completely, outrageously, ridiculously, absolutely and... terrifyingly. I don't know how it happened, I don't know why in the grand scheme it happened, and I don't know exactly when it happened... but it did.

I know that we have our insecurities, but know this. Mine will fade with time. I know this from my own past experiences. I may, for a while, think that Emily still holds your heart - regardless of how many times you tell me otherwise. I may, for this same time be afraid that if ever she called you would run to her. However, as our relationship and love become stronger I will think/feel this less and less. It will NOT be something which crumbles our relationship.

I don't know from where your insecurities within Clint lie... He is no threat to you. Comparisions aside - of which I could make numerous... I love you and am with you and will be with you as long as you want me. I will be with no other in any respect. If .. for some unforseen and dreadful reason I have feelings or want someone else, I will definitely bring it to your attention before the temptress or temptor even has a lingering thought on the matter. I hope that your insecurities do not crumble us as you say they will.

Age with me, keep me with you. Be my radioactive, alien, vampyre, werewolf, robot, panda bear Asian forever if you choose. Be mine as long as you will have me, I will be yours. When you no longer want me, please be gentle in the way you sever me from your world. I am afraid when I hit reality's time I may shatter - flesh ripped from bone. Yeah... let's not think about that, shall we?

Anything else in Stephanie world worth mentioning? I got a 91 on a fucked up Astro test. I think Mouse's kittens are fantasticly adorable. I am so happy Merrick is a cat. I am terrified of being in the apartment now because I want to avoid confrontation. The apartment manager and I will eventually have to speak to one another and in doing so I will probably no longer have a place to live. FML right now. I don't have any money to give, but because I feel the need to I'm giving Az money. I'll make it work somehow. As soon as you exist I think things will work better. Please exist soon. I want to have a place to live with the loves. My boy and my kitties.

TTFN whoever reads this nonsense.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I have problems

One: That I've been spamming Blogger land. My bad, it's just one of those days.
Two: I hate being told that I'm wrong when I am pretty damned sure I'm right.
Three: When someone tells me I'm wrong (and I'm pretty damned sure I'm right) I have the nearly insatiable desire to prove my case. In this situation it would be the easiest thing in the world to do, one post - March 16th was all that I would need.
Four: I really, really don't want to copy/paste or link to said post. It's not very appropriate in the netiquette sense of things, and just plain not nice in general.
Five: I really want a cigarette. I am more than half tempted to buy a pack after work.
Six: I'd be buying a drink if I was old enough to.
Seven: I really want to just climb into bed and sleep. I have prior arrangements.
Eight: It's those damned prior arrangements which started the emo-fest today in the first place.
Nine: Why was there a need for said Emo-fest? Because someone wanted to hang out with me. It seems... so trivial.
Ten: I am missing my girlfriends right now like, a lot. Az and Brit are like sisters and I could really use them to affirm that I'm not crazy - or to tell me that I am wrong and explain why - which they'd be able to do b/c they get me.
Eleven: Did I mention I'm still broke as a mother flippin' joke? Even after I get paid tomorrow, it's all gone within the week - and that's without paying Az.
Twelve: Something seems to be unraveling, and I will have no control over the matter.
Thirteen: I wish I could go back to being... 17 again. Still living at home, no worries in the world other than how to skip my AP Gov class every time and still pass.

Yeah, there's more but 13's always been my number.

I'll try and keep this short

Short post. I hope.

I didn't mean to. Well, I did. I mean - I noticed that it was hyper linked... then I got curious. He says it was over this day - her perspective is... ooh like so not close. I knew that was the case. I don't know ... I thought that by getting some insight on her, that I'd get insight on him and his notions. Well... yeah, I did. Or didn't... I don't know. I know it was not the wisest move on my part and that I didn't need any confirmation that "sentiment" between them was running high.

I went into this saying if drama of any kind went down I'd bail. Well, based on prior postings between us - if you're smart you follow us both since all my posts are to/about him damn near - drama's kind of ensued. Is ensuing? I hope not. Can't we run away to a place where no one we know can ever reach us? Where cell towers don't exist and 'teh internets' hasn't been invented yet? Where money doesn't exist and you can mow a lawn or clean a stable for room and board? I am so over the top with emotion right now... a big dash of apathy would be lovely. Not yet?

How about now? No? Well... I guess that's your prerogative. I feel a sense of vertigo, I have goosebumps, I feel like I'm swimming through a cloudy world. Le Sigh. Oh well, I have faith that ... sometime, the sentiment between them will end and that sometime I'll live to my own standards... and that sometime we'll be lying on the beach or in a field, just enjoying each other and not have to worry about former loves or insecurities and we can just exist. No money worries, no fret. Yeah. That would be divine.

I will NOT cry at work

I can understand this. It truly is a sentiment and a vision that we may have held for so long within ourselves. Once that isn't the case anymore, no matter what reality is, we can't see ourselves in something else for a while.

That's good, because it is truly only on rare occasions. The number of times I see your face in my mind, in my dreams (metaphoric and actual) far outweighs anything else. I feel like a little girl again when I am with you in this world where everything can be okay.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your insecurities in yourself control...I appreciate that you didn't go knowing this. As for not knowing how you feel...I think that's the bigger issue.

I don't have insecurities about my self control. More so my ability to control him that I would have concern for. I got to a point where I knew what he was going to do/say and what he was thinking at any given time. I don't think I have that anymore. I believe that I can derive enough of how I feel from what I want - can you?

I would be telling a lie if I said that I wouldn't be worrying...I just can't show it...I have to be secure in myself and tell myself that everything will be okay. I have faith in you.

I understand. You don't have to hide it, unless you feel you need to. You should definitely be secure in yourself. You are everything I've dreamed for thus far. Well... you're not 6'1" and you're not built like a bronzed god, and you don't have a mansion on the hill. Otherwise, perfect. (That was so meant with sarcasm and love by the way as I couldn't care less about all that as long as I have you.) Faith in me is good. I'd like a friendship with him if at all possible - and I realize that this may be exacting double standards to the place my mind went when reading the comment left by her...

I give myself over completely so that in seeing who we are as people, we can decide what's worth holding on to and what's not. It is a nomadic lifestyle I think...I don't think I've ever explained to you that I need an anchor to keep me somewhere. I've not truly experienced "home" in a while. There's the saying "Home is where your heart is." That's true for me in this case. When my heart isn't there anymore, it's time for a new home. I don't choose though...

As corny as it is, I feel the same way. While Oregon is and always will be my home, and while I love Portland with all the snuggles you can a city - I'd move anywhere you wanted to if you need to move to fulfill your dreams/destiny/desire. I hope that I can be your anchor. As for the fact you don't choose, I don't buy it.

As for me being okay with it, I sometimes question my ability to feel anything other than love..... Everything else...falls short.

Hm. I hope that you can feel other than love, and I'm sure that you do. Love and pain are not enough to sustain you as a normal, functioning individual. You'd be... well, a zombie of sorts. Perhaps you are, but I won't buy that either.

You're everything I need. In your thought of falling short here, also consider what you are doing elsewhere that is above and beyond. If you're uncomfortable with the idea here as you may be...Eliminate it.

Not sure how to interpret this... "what you are doing elsewhere that is above and beyond." "with the idea here" What exactly is that. However, you saying that I'm everything you need. I can only hope that this is the case. That's all I need to know.

We know that it can. Example: Now.

Not sure if I do have dual desires. I wish that I could incorporate him as Jack and Gabe and my other boys are in my life, but I doubt that will be possible. So, I'll see what happens. Again, I feel that there's a double standard here. Please let me know if you agree. I will do nothing if it puts unnecessary strain on you or our relationship. That is my number one and nothing will interfere. You need to be direct with me.

It saddens me to say this but no...Time doesn't really fix it. You need to face it. It might turn out where you want to be. It might turn out to be something you really don't want. In either case, you need to make up your mind right then. Walk away forever or run back with open arms.

What about your feeling of 'shadow'? I chalked it up to the fact that - it's only been a month and four days... so I mean we shouldn't really be at this point society-wise. We are however. If you believe it's something else, I'd love to hear it. In that same token, what is your feeling stemming from, then?

As for my own insecurities, I don't think I have any physical ones...Generally I think this is due to the fact that the human body means very little to me.

Well, I wasn't really talking about physical ones only in this sense. I doubt you have any in any regard. Again - you don't have a reason to. (btw 'the human body' makes you sound like you're an alien...)

You don't need to want something else more. All you need to want is something else. Period...

I want to be a teacher, I want to be a mom, I want to have a home and be able to provide my children with the world. I want to travel and explore other peoples. I want to be able to eat and continue my education. I want to have friends, and socialize. I want fresh flowers surrounding me at all times. I want pearls around my neck and diamonds on my fingers. I want to never have another period in my whole life, I want to be 21 right now, I want to be able to manipulate my own brain waves and those of other people's. Teleportation and invisibility would be awesome too. More than that, I want for you to be with me as you are now. Wow did I just melodramatic that out...but you get the idea.

I will agree that our whole situation was fucked up, so kudos to the person who pointed it out. However, it was ours and yet another journey the two of sat down and decided to embark on together. I love you for sticking by me as much as you did. You're hands down the best thing ever. I cannot comment on the rest of the statement that has me in it because you know how i feel on all of it...

only on tuesdays...<3

I don't know if it was certain pieces of this or the whole thing overall - but this struck a chord for sure. It brings in perspective how we started this whole everything... and that there are still feelings and "sentiment" between the two of you in a high amount. It is nowhere near my place to say that this isn't 'kosher' for I suppose that would make me a hypocrite. Although you've promised that you would 'eliminate' this issue/insecurity - you haven't. It doesn't bother me in so much as a friendship exists, and again, so not even my place as I told you when you said you would. I just... I don't know. Not a big deal for the long run I hope.

After reading your ness, especially with the commentary I had to fight tears and my emotions coursing through me. If you say "Hey, I'd rather you didn't" I won't. Regardless of my overall philosophy on the matter - you have every reason to make that request. If it were in a more subtle manner that this came about I doubt that you would care - as you seem secure and should be. I know that the behavior he exhibited last night was off character and more than likely indicative of less than pure intentions - conscious or otherwise. I hoping that it is otherwise, and that we can do ... what ever we do and begin to form a friendship from ground zero. I want my life to be normal, I want to make the world and all its inhabitants happy. I like to please people, to give them what they want. I often put myself at the bottom of the totem pole. I will give you what you want, within reason of course. I will not give anyone anything which would keep you from having what you want. I will not give anyone anything which would keep me from having you. So, do I want something else - yeah, I guess you could say that in that I have my own hopes, desires, and world. I hope that doesn't mean you'll cling to someone else and leave me behind.

As early and new as this relationship's not in my emotional involvement. So if at any time I that girl at the party you make out with and then... well, my bad. I love you. Three words said far, far too much. Yet, the truth remains.

As Long As You're Mine, I'll take that jump

If it is human nature only, that doesn't make it any less confusing. How can you be so cold and then try to fall into place as my best friend again? I can't help but wonder if it is the realization that I've moved on. Maybe you envisioned me alone waiting for you patiently as I felt I would do. That's not the case, however. Yet... it was wonderful to hear your voice. The timber echoing with your laugh. It's a laugh I haven't heard in ages and it feels so right to be hearing it. Humans are creatures of sentiment - yes, I know. Honestly... fuck... I can't trust myself in the situations that I may have been put in. Main reason I didn't go. I don't know what I'd be capable of seeing through intuition and reading him in the situation. I don't know what I'd be able to avoid. Most of all... I don't know how I feel about him anymore.

I know that I cannot be with him. I want you and all that you are. I cannot imagine anything that I want more. There's still this part of me that has him as the person that I'll end up with. It's so fucked up and I can't even rationalize it. I can't even begin to think about it for I don't want to sit here and cry whilst pulling out my hair at work.

Did he just want a reaction? For me to be sitting here like I am. He knows me well enough to know that it wasn't going to happen. He knows me all too well. I suppose his guilt trips and eagerness affected me as he wanted.

I know now that you'll be worrying about everything. As I have faith in you, please keep your faith in me. Know that I will not lie to you or keep things hidden from you. Know that you can trust me to not falter from this. I've held you as mine for quite sometime, you've completely stolen my heart for your own. I am yours, as long as you'll have me I'll be no others in any respect. Please know that it is just my ... I don't know, sentiment? That's not even right... I have no idea what it is.

I know I love you so that it scares me. I don't want to get hurt and I know now that it's unavoidable. I've tried to keep myself detached as much as possible. Yes, that's beyond fucked up - but it's true. I've tried to make sure that I would be okay with you leaving, with us ending. I've tried to make sure that you wouldn't get into the inner chambers of my heart so that I could be safe from your nomad lifestyle and seemingly fleeting desires.

For someone to be your primary - you need the proximity of them and them not to push you away. The thing is, she never did. She may have wanted Virginia more, but she didn't push you away. She was willing to do what it took to keep you. So how on Earth can you say that she didn't want you? That she was done? The whole situation with her - the husband, the other girl the cheating and haphazardness of it all... it just is so fucked up I can't fathom it. Yet, you seem .... okay with it all.

This will be my biggest insecurity in this. You know it, whoever reads these stupid things knows it. It is not enough to keep from being with you, from wanting you as much as I do. However, it might make me reserved a bit more.

It felt so weird to tell him. . . Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes, I love him. It was like a ... heat came over me and my stomach got this hollow feeling my heart sunk into. It doesn't make any sense! I hate myself. For everything. For not being strong enough to hold myself together, for having those fleeting thoughts, for letting you down, for not being like I should, for holding myself back, for not being what you need.

I realized that my 5..4.. I don't know year anniversary would have been three days ago. Had we had enough funds and things we would have been getting married... wow. Yeah, I don't know... I passed the day in an uneventful way, and without incident.

Can a heart have two parallel desires? I've argued no, I've argued yes. I told you no, it can't. Truth is, it might be possible. It'd be easier to tell if I knew what my parallel desires were.

Right now I only know that I want to be in your arms, I want to feel your hands wrapped around me, I want your lips on mine. I could spend an eternity staring into your eyes and drinking you in. I want you to tell me that I am yours and you are mine and that nothing and no one will ever come between that. I want that to be true. I wish that there wasn't that damned shadow lurking over every one of my actions. It's been there the whole time, and you mentioned you felt it too. What is it? Why is it? More importantly, how do we kill it? Do we just continue on our path, our way, and it will dissipate over time?

I'm glad that there's not any bugs coming in because I can't stop writing. Stopping might equal explosions of brain matter on the cubicle walls. The squitten sure would get a treat.

I want to read the letter you wrote. Although, perhaps you never will show it. You had it done only to revise. I can only imagine that another and another will be done. Perhaps because of this, perhaps not.

You know my insecurities... I found it so .. strange that you wanted to know so bad. Mayhap it was just you trying to get a full understanding of who I am. Knowing someone's weakness is a definite part of knowing them. I only know that you don't like the Willamette River. That enough dairy in a quick enough time has a chance of wrecking you. You have no insecurities about yourself. Not that you should, you're beautiful and amazing.

I don't deserve the person that you are and the potential person you will become. I don't. I am fickle, I am flighty, I am flaky and unkind. I try so hard to be a good person - but I'm not. I am nothing that I try to be, that I admire. I have faith in humanity, maybe this is my only saving grace. I guess I've fucked humanity over if your faith in us rested on me, huh? I feel self destructive and apathetic. In the same breath I feel like putting on my highest guard and hoping the waves of the world miss me because I'm bursting with my own emotions.

I want you. Just so you know. Just so you can't leave me thinking that I want something else more, that I don't really want you. I don't think you can since you say that you can't read me and all. Does that mean I get to keep you? I want to. I...
and then this song plays... okay... this song in context is what let me know that it was okay to go on a limb and be with you, love you. Just for this moment....

As Long As You're Mine








Saturday, April 25, 2009


We've reached a new low... or high, depending on your point of view here in Stream-land. Chue drew fantastic squitten and Tricia copied and we colored. It was a fabulous way to pass the time between reports and chats and e-mails. Better than tailoring fifty million bubble slippers just to unlock striders for sure!

I decided that I needed to make lots of squitten because, that's how I do. Or...something. The first one was a tribute to the BAMSAPers everywhere - mostly in Venue 309.

Second Squitten is a beautiful reference to ... well, our wonderful undead friends. Teh Zombies

Lastly we've got a flower child who just wants everyone in the Squitten Army to get along and make love, not war.

All in all it was quite a successful venture that us here in boredom land can be quite proud of. To view the submissions to the contest search #squitten on Twitter.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Updates and redundancy

I don't really know what I can write that will be anything more than a redundant recap of prior posts... but I am extremely bored to the extreme at the moment so...

I think that Final Fantasy X is really pretty, but it for some reason puts me to sleep very quickly. I am beginning to think that it is because I am resting my head on his shoulder and cuddly that I am drifting off.

My cats are ridiculously adorable, even though they are all about BAMSAP (break(ing) as much shit as possible) these days. Well, every day really. They are also all about random video game noises at unnecessary times. I love them though, and am happy they are becoming adjusted to their new surroundings. Kitty seems a bit off, but he has since we got Merrick so...what can you do?

I'm still happily floating on my rift in time. I think that I will ride on this cloud until ... well as long as I can.

Money is still a major stressor, but I get paid in three days so hopefully - well, that paycheck already is claimed by credit cards and school so, I don't have any money yet again. I feel the need to give some to Az - but I can only give it if I have it so I don't know what to do. Not to mention that I need like 1,000 to move into a new place and don't see that happening so much. Hopefully he'll exist soon - or get a job of some sort.

What else is in my life? Oh school, for sure. I am getting into my school term rhythm again, so that's good. I just need to be a little more proactive with my astronomy class and I should be okay. I need to find an article published in the Northwest that I can relate to Astronomy (any ideas? it has to be recent). I also have to do a proposal thingy and come up with an idea for a project. Yeah, no ideas really come to mind. Maybe moon living, or UV reactive stuff. PE class is pretty simple because I love walking in Portland.

Speaking of which my foot got really bad there the last couple of days. Visible swollen and bruised and hurting without bearing weight. . . I have no money so I don't know what I can do but ride it out and hope that it heals in an okay fashion which lets me walk without a gimp.

Anything else? Need to change oil in my car, get Merrick fixed, find a new apartment, turn in my application for PSU, make sure my graduation papers went through, and... some how get enough money to complete that list.

The End

Thursday, April 23, 2009

one down, who knows how many to go.

Finally I can stop counting in weeks and days. Although, I think I'll probably have the tendency to repeat that habit again. Not like one month is much of anything at all in the normal scope of time. In the time you're functioning in, well, it was no more than a blink of an eye. For me it was both a blink - a passing glance, and a longing gaze suspended indefinitely. I find it impossible to explain how, or what, or why we are to anyone who is still free falling through the continuum at a normal and relative pace. Oh well, I don't feel the need to anyway.

There are still all these stressors in my life gnawing away at my insides and making me want to scream and cry. Obsessively checking balances isn't going to help - and I know this. Budgeting lines and trying to smash the numbers together isn't going to help either. Employment never seemed so fragile or unattainable. I can only hope that things will look up soon. If they don't... I may be lost forever to the grips of anxiety.

I have school work to do, and as there isn't real work to accomplish and I couldn't care less about the in game changes I think I shall accomplish this. Reading - posting, locating an article, finding a research topic. Yeah, probably not all done today - but I will continue to work until it's all finished... or, I explode in a fiery ball of exploding explosion.

There's only one thing to do, three words for you...
There's only one way to say those three words, and that's what I'll do...
I love you.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

All that we are is contradictory to all that they say we should be.

I hope now you understand slightly more what I meant and that you have no cause for worry. I don't really know how to describe this hollow feeling but it is more than just the acceptance of love I know; for it is in conjunction with other emotions as well.

I can't really explain how I feel about you without feeling like I'm sounding like... well for lack of a better metaphor, I'll stick with one we've dealt with before "that girl at the party you make out with..." I get this sensation that ... that what I feel is irrational, and careless, and it terrifies me. I shouldn't be this deep four weeks in. That's not to say that I have any regrets or major apprehensions at all. It only means that I am aware of how I feel and the way in contrasts with societal standards. I know, I know - fuck society, right? Well... I am trying, and have been moderately so. Right? Right. For all that we are is contradictory to all that they say we should be.

Know that there is no place I'd rather be right now than wrapped in the covers, your arms, and bliss. I have obligations to attend to, but that doesn't mean that I desire them. Lately my desires have been singular and simplistic. You, kitty love, sunshine, distraction. So don't doubt me, or us. Don't contemplate and fret because you see the world in black and white and where I lie is in fields and gradients of gray. I have told you numerous times that I am a walking contradiction. I have never met anyone who contains as much duality in their personality as I, or at least have never seen the duality as much as I can see my own. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your mind. I hope that you can take me at my word and my actions and the way that I know I must look at you. You take my breath away sometimes, and I am surprised that you have any doubt at all.

I have never felt this stressed financially ever, except I don't know - when I was a kid feeling the stress indirectly. I am concerned that I won't be able to continue going to school because of finances and the state of the economy. I am worried that I will fall away from my friends when this contract ends. I am concerned that everything in my life is on the verge of being ripped apart. In the same token I feel like I removed from reality and living in a separate bubble than the rest of the world. Like I'm on a sort of vacation from reality. Which should mean that I don't worry - but it doesn't. I need to accomplish these things, I have to have these goals or I am lost.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Boyce Avenue to Slipknot

Because I am listening to Boyce Avenue it means that I need to write. I figured that he probably doesn't need a book of poetry in his name so we can blog about life or something. It's really strange that I can write happy poems these days. I was pleaded with by prior loves to write something positive about them - and I did, this is true, but it wasn't very good. For the most part he inspired darker, more emotional poems with broken structure mirroring my broken heart. The happy poems took days and were forced. Yet, with the help of Boyce Avenue and something real I am able to write when the mood strikes with some measure of rapture and meter combining in an outlook not so gloomy or drab and done nearly as fast as my fingers can pound them out.

Perhaps when the picture faded to gray it was only for an intermission. The velvet shrouding the stage will be peeled back as the crowd in my heart begs for an encore. One last song to echo the times we are stumbling through. I can give it to you, whoever wishes to see this slowly mending broken frame I've been building for the last 20 years. One stitch at a time, one bandage, one sip of wine to dull the ache. Though I feel weak right now, strength is inevitable. Though I stumble and fall on shattered knees with tear stained cheeks, I look to the light. Sometimes, the essence of this world seeps through my pores and drives me to be full to the point of explosion. I still feel hollow at other times, like my life force has been drained slowly from me and I snap to the realization harshly. Acting on emotions I cannot accurately feel. That's not quite right, but I lack the command of this or any other language to describe it differently.

I'll find myself smiling and twirling circles and skipping without feeling happiness. I'll find myself kissing and holding and needing to be with him without eternally defining and recognizing love or desire. I'll sit there with furrowed brow and crossed arms and not realize I'm stressed. These actions are involuntary for the most part - as they would be if someone could feel. I'm not sure what this means... but it scares me. Have I worked to be apathetic for so long I've detached an internal cable connecting my mind and heart to basic bodily functionality? Did my wish to be detached from humanity's issues cause this detachment within self? Something is broken; I don't know how to fix it.

It makes me feel like I am lying. When I say I am happy, or that I love you. The only thing I've felt before reactions arise lately has been stress/apprehension. I don't know how to talk to it, about it. I just crave his arms around me, with my kitties cuddled. A nice warm glass of tea, and a sunset of symphonies. I don't know what that means - what any of this means, really.

I wish to feel truly, to love deeply, to dance with a current of joy playing on my nerves. I can only have faith that everything will be okay. That God will swoop down his hand and touch my heart once more.

It's slipknot time now. Vol. 3, yeah where they actually sing prettily. I don't wanna be this, but I won't let this build up inside of me.

Boyce Avenue

Here I am pimping a band. They're okay talent-wise, upon first hearing them I gave them a B so that's decent enough for most things today. However, there's something about them that makes me need to write. Not just want to, but like... my fingers will erupt into pages of text if I don't release the pressure. I honestly don't know the lyrical content of any but a few of their songs because when I get in the zone background noise kind of falls apart and I go into my own head. What I did hear seemed good, though.

I was able to write three poems in a fantabulously short amount of time and the feeling gripped me by maybe the second song I heard. It's writing, sitting in the sun, making love, chai tea music. They do acoustic covers - but the best is their own... or what I am assuming is their own. Shown to me by the amazing boy on his never ending quest to find the images locked away in another's mind.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Brain Fondue / Voice Catcher

"If it's you that has captured my "voice" and taken it from me, then it's simply because your lips have caught hold of mine. If I'm not able to write, then it's because my hand is full with yours or my arms busy with an embrace. That's a trade that I'm willing to make. If you feel that you're lacking in some way of expression, dash the thoughts aside for I think the same thing of you. It's in the quiet moments of solace that we are able to provide a written explanation of all that we feel and that's enough for me."

Yeah, I don't really think that I need to comment, do I? I mean, does 'squee' suffice? Not sure, but... la la la la. Brain fondue in a good way. I don't think I could write pretties like that - but that's okay. I can actually write about happy things now, for the first time ever. That's a good thing, for I don't like being an emo child all the time. Some of my stuff isn't even that bad, so that's good.

Oh, that just reminded me! I'm too late for the newest addition of Voice Catcher but all you Portland ladies should check it out for next year. I plan on submitting myself, might jump start something, who knows? Guess we'll find out next year. It's really great, I got the 2nd or 3rd edition for my birthday from my loverly Jeff Anderson and it was awesome to see snippets of local people's brains that you don't get from daily interactions.


Enter mushiness, so you can probably stop reading as it's more for me/him anyway...

You've become this singular ray of light for me, that somehow you'll make everything okay. No pressure. Just how I feel. Lying there I wish I could express myself as eloquently as you seem to think I can. There aren't exactly words. I wish that in those moments you could read me like you do others. I am taken aback at times with how I feel when I look at you. It doesn't matter what you have to say. It doesn't matter your past, your family, what your world entails. I would have it all for you. I think you feel like you need to protect me from certain things that you've experienced, and perhaps this is true to some extent. I'd rather have you err on the side of thinking that I can take it and even if I don't understand I'll accept.

You asked me once if you told me your whole family was vampires how would I react. I would love you the same. I will jump off that, and any cliff for you. (Metaphorically of course.) It doesn't make any sense if you think about it, and I feel the same shadow that you do. I don't think it's anything other than the shadow our hearts are forming on our minds falling behind in the quickness of our pace. We are spinning, or falling, or whatever directional or non-directional movement metaphor you choose at a rapid pace - and we are both aware of this. However, I have stopped the pretense that I can deny it and pretend that you are not as important to me as you are. I can't sit there and tell myself I'd be okay if you were to leave, that you can live your life without considerations to me and I'd be fine. Such fallacies of a mind conditioned in this society of those who don't believe - or can't, or won't. Who tell you that it takes forever to truly know someone.

No, I don't know everything about you, I don't know the nuances of your mind as I do my own. I am okay with that. Honestly, if you don't feel you can tell me something, you don't have to. I am okay with not knowing, when you are comfortable you can tell me - you can keep it from me forever. It doesn't matter to me anymore, these things I don't know. I will ask when I feel like it is something I should know - otherwise, I hope you can tell me when you believe something matters.

You know where my insecurity lies, and there really isn't anything you can do to resolve the matter other than exist as you have been. I just fear that she was your primary and somehow was replaced though she still wanted and wants you. I do not want history to repeat itself with me. We both realized that we started this ness way before either one of us was conscious in the matter. If you believe in fate, there you have it?

I realize that I do trust you, probably more than anyone. It probably seemed trivial to you that I didn't flinch when you rested your hand on my neck, but that's huge to me - it's like a subconscious confirmation of what my consciousness tells me to feel. I feel like I can not put on a facade and it's okay. Thank you! For accepting me, for loving me, for taking my world and not running away, for being the most amazing person ever, for not really getting upset when my foolish mind doesn't think about the words I say. I'm not sure about everything we have, or life, or... anything - but, I'm very much so, even if accidentally, in love.

Lyrical-ness: "Come on, come on / Turn a little faster / Come on, come on / The world will follow after / Come on, come on / Cause everybody's after love"

I know that the words catch themselves in my throat sometimes. I hope that you can derive the meaning from my actions and what's written all over my face. Thank you for your patience, your understanding.

Oh, and if it was all a bit too much you can delete this too. I just realized I wrote a novel. My bad.

Monies, school, eepness!

You have, well... anywhere from two weeks to a month and a half.

Guess it's out of the bag now, so I'm not breaking anything by blogging - right? That and it's not like anyone reads this thing that wasn't in a meeting today. So Stream has finally let us know that our contract isn't being renewed. Not like that is coming as a shock to anyone who was like ... alive in the past few months. Now I'm wondering if I should hound the mother-ship's HR department. Again this circling thought process revolves again. Oh, fuck it - I'm gonna have to take out loans to pay for school anyway.

I've never been this stressed about money before in my life. I've always been able to live within my means and be just fine getting whatever I really wanted. I was able to buy the furniture, television, whatever that I wanted while getting financed for two cars. I worked and he worked, and we did just fine. Now I'm having to wonder how exactly the bills are going to get paid. My credit card has zero percent interest...for now. That's up in like a month. Which is just around the time I won't have a job. Not to mention the fact that I won't be able to get unemployment if I am honest on my application. Students count for nothing apparently - let's fuck over the people actually trying to better their lives, sure that makes sense. Fuck!

Need to finish my FAFSA tonight, and hope that the government decides to be realistic in their expectations and gives me monies and interest free loans and grants and all the joy. I also need to put in PSU application, but ... that costs more money. I wish that we could abolish this system of trade based on pieces of meaningless paper. Or at least give free education so that our populace can reach it's potential even if they weren't born with a silver spoon in their mouths. An education, doesn't really matter in what - is better than nothing at all. I guess I can always go back to waiting tables - there's pretty much always a market for that. Also, I can probably get hired at a Rose's since I did training for them in the past and have done like everything front-end. Le sigh.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


this would be easier if his keyboard wasn't broken...
I am sitting here, and am quite bored. He decided it'd be better for me to sit here and not be introduced. Maybe it's my perspective, but if someone that was important to me, that I was "linked" to, hated him, I'd be all about changing their mind. I mean I am makeup-less at the moment but still...
Le sigh, he has already told me that I'm not what people in his world would want for him. Which then gives me the suspicion that I'll never be fully invited into his world... not that the people sound all that great anyway. However they may be, it still doesn't make me feel great. I guess he is comfortable with his sister meeting me, but it also doesn't seem like she has any standards for him. He doesn't seem terribly keen on her though, or any member of his 'family.' Oh, look, he didn't get murdered or eaten... neither which would have surprised me and I wouldn't really be able to fight a bitch without a gun or an army I don't think... anyway... <3

Sunday, April 12, 2009

A night in Portland

Aah Portland! Boo school!

Last night I got home and realized that I probably should at least make an attempt to do something for this PE class I'm online taking. I count walking - as it burns the same calories and has same health benefits as running, but doesn't murder my shins/ankles/knees/etc. Since I am in love with walking in Portland it's not hard at all for the motivation - as long as it's not frozen or down pouring I'm all good.

So we leave and head towards the river, and then realize that we could go downtown and that's all good. So we walk towards the MAX. There is a whole MAX train which emptied at Lloyd Center. I wonder what was going on? Oh well. We sit down on a bench and watch the police talk to some kids. Then we hop on our train. A couple stops down a lady with face paint (and not like good face-paint) gets on and starts asking the whole train if they want dissolvable tobacco. I decline, but realize that a clove does sound pretty delicious at the moment.

We wander into the square. I really really want to host a masquerade ball there - in the middle ness with everyone in masks and fancy dresses. I think it would be the most magical thing ever. I need to figure out what I need to do / how much it'd cost to do it. There, just asked @TheSquare

A group of high school kids comes up to us and tells us it is free hug day. We get hugs from the group of six-ish. Aah good ol' Portlanders. Silly kids.

We wander some more, checking out fountains. When deciding on a cross street we see that the fountain at the waterfront is turned on. YAY SPRING! So we wander in that direction. As we get close to the WTC we hear songs playing. Interesting. Oh look, a prom. Nice. Continue to the waterfront, we start walking along and A Whole New World plays. How very appropriate and amazing. I can't believe I haven't lived in Portland forever - so amazing. The ... I don't even know - kind of look like ship ties, but don't know what / if their practicality is. Anyway - with my glee I want to jump up on one, but he does first. So then he takes my hand and I jump on one - with too much, something, because I then slip off and crush my foot in half. Ouch!

We continue along, and pass by a strip joint that has a lady dancing in the window. Uhm, this is so not Amsterdam... is that legal? I guess it must be...

Is that.... Irish music? Sounds live... let's find it. Oh look it's Kell's band with a super old man on snare. Nice! Kell's sounds nom but it doesn't really look too open to kids my age. So we continue to wonder, ooh look a Thai place. I do so love curries and pad thai and.... everything. Yellow curry with beef and potato and carrots and ooooh goodness! Seriously, might have been the best Thai I've ever had. E-San. My foot is like very ow so we head home.

I let him lead, even though he's going in the wrong direction. I don't mind, because I enjoy walking through this town with him. Plus, if we had gone the right way we wouldn't have seen the one armed street performer who was rocking my socks off. Harmonica playing and everything, it was super good for someone with two arms so like bonus points much?!

Walking back home.... check my online school, my professor's all yelling and preachy via e-mail, so I send her one back... and realize I misread the grade as 4/60 when really it was 4/6. Oops! Apologetic e-mail follow.

I watch the Heroes episode until teh internets died. Then off to bed with the most amazing boy ever. Yay for going to bed still at a somewhat decent hour (1:00am) Still way tired though... probably from deprivation build-up.

Now it is Easter, a day to remember and celebrate that we will have everlasting life. A day to remember love of each other - as every day should be. Work is once again boring, finished all the work by noon like normal.

Tricia just walks over and says - go home! Yay! Time to go make some deviled eggs and then visit families. I love my families. Yay for more time with boy too. Amazing boy who washes kitties and sets my things up for me so I don't forget and cares and loves God and alphabetizes the movies and... yeah. Anyway...

Teh Ends.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

It's another Saturday in Streamland

There's nine hours left in the day and all the queues are cleared. I'm listening to music on Grooveshark - ooh check out my nifty little widget, it's purdy.

Today makes two weeks, six days. How on Earth does that even compute? Did we enter a rip in the continuum that somehow only altered time for the two of us? It feels that way, for sure. We've crammed quite a lot in those two weeks, maybe that's it. When I look at that number I feel like I'm losing my mind. It feels like months since we took her to California, but not so much. We left two weeks, four days ago. It feels like eons ago I was making an ass out of myself on a circle of rigidly formed H2O. A rip in the continuum, I could believe that. I'm believing everything else; what's a teeny-tiny rip in the fabric of time?

I think I'm going to try and write some poetry. You'll have to check out the poetry blog of mine for that, hey look - this one's short too!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Blogging in less than 5 Paragraphs.

Here is my attempt at a short blog - Just for Nate.

Happiness. Staying up until the sun was nipping at the horizon has never been sweeter. Take me. Cover me in your world I cannot comprehend. Fill me with your notions. I am saddened two of my friendulars have lost their girls. I see great futures for both of them. I am freezing cold, and could use some warm arms holding me. I am confused, perplexed, scared of my current situation regarding school/money/work. Someone should pay me to stay home - to go to school, cuddle, and write poetry. I would be okay with that. I am adored. You all are amazing. My friends! I don't know if I would be here if you didn't exist. It is Good Friday - commemorating Jesus's crucifixion. I haven't given much thought to the pain he suffered in a very long time - I feel the need to do something, but organized religion is teh sux for the most part. I need to do my homework - stay on the ball. I probably should do that rather than blog at work. My boss compared our contract to the Titanic. Sadness. Plan W is so the win. I just lost the game.

The end.

Thursday, April 9, 2009


I received a call from the mother company, yes that's right - 818 style. I've been contemplating whether or not I would want to work for a giant corporation that seems to care little for individuals. It would mean a life change for me that I'm not sure I'm ready for.

One one hand, it would allow me to be with some amazing people in a warm, happy climate. I wouldn't be worse off than I am now financially, and would have more on the benefits side of things. Working for such a large company would be a nice boost to my resume - and allow me a bit more street cred in the geek community. (ha. ha.) There are colleges in the area as well, so I would possibly be able to continue my education.

The other side, however, is worth noting. I love where I live now, the city and the people. I have my general life schematics orientated for living in Oregon. I have my school credits which are good in Oregon - but maybe not in Cali. My end goals in life require me to be in Oregon. I won't be better off financially by going there - unless I'm unemployed here that is. Additionally - my family is very important to me -and they are here. My best friend in the whole world is here - or not too far away at least. I don't want the additional pressure of having him move with me -- although somehow I don't think that is playing into this too terribly much because he seems content to be wherever. I am an Oregonian through and through, and although I do so love SoCal... I don't think it's enough.

I wouldn't even think about starting down there until mid-June anyway, which will probably be too late due to the plans I assume are in place. Had they actually contacted me as Winter term was ending, then it would be different. However, I need to finish this term and graduate and all that good stuff before I think about my next step. With that in mind, with my associates I am allowed to become an educational/instructional assistant within school districts. Which equals me making a step in the very much so right direction.

I wish there were a way to play out both scenarios in a box and watch which one ends up better for me. However, life just ain't like that - yet, anyway. Instead I have only the advice of friends and family to go off of. What do I do? Do I take a jump and hope I advance enough to support myself and going to school? Do I stay where I am comfortable and have family I can fall back on if necessary? Help!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

ramble ramble.

I have a sinking sensation in my chest. This is going to end. I have a very strong realization - I don't want it to. I really, really don't. I - despite everything - am in love. I know that it's soon - too soon to feel this way. To feel like I do for someone in all honesty I barely know. It may have been a giant jump off of the tallest mountain to feel this way - to do what I have been doing, but really, I don't care. He is the most amazing person I think I've ever met. I don't think that it makes much sense all of this. I can't figure it out, and that scares me.

I realized that after everything I will always love Clint. I don't want to, but I do. I am by no means in love with him. I realize every day that he wasn't good for me, that he couldn't be what I need in a man, couldn't give me what I seek in a relationship. He was a major part of my life, he helped make me who I am - and we did have a lot of amazing, wonderful times. Perhaps that is why it hurts so much to see him disheveled and to have him be such a ... prickish bastard. I don't even know if words can describe the crapiness he has shown to me over the past. Yet, I think it may be in part that my new boyfriend and I showed up at his apartment to take his things from him. Still... I want my Wii god damn it!

I feel like curling up and crying. I don't understand why. I don't understand this impression of ever coming doom that is consuming me. I am curious as how to define what love is as well. How do you define something that is unexplainable? Like how you know that God is there - how to describe the wind, or light.

I know that I want to be with him, I know that the way he smiles melts me. I know that he is intriguing, fantastic, chivalrous, considerate, passionate and unique. I know that everything he does seems brilliant and that the touch of his hand sends shivers down my spine. I know that I am becoming increasingly...protective I suppose you could say... over him - but that I will try not to let him see it. I want to make him happy, and know that he makes me happy. I want to be someone who makes him feel like humanity is worth fighting for - that there isn't reason to lose hope. I love the time we spend together - it is more often than not the highlight of my day. I feel undeserving of this. Love? As defined by some - yes, and it would be what I think as well.

I am afraid of the consequences of this. Of me putting my heart on the line only to get it smashed to smithereens later down the road. Of course he says he won't hurt me - as long as I want him he's mine. Well... I can only imagine he's whispered the same sweet nothings to people he's left broken before. However, I can say that - for the time being and foreseeable future - I do share the sentiment. Even so... it may be the stress of monies, and school, and life getting in the way. Maybe. Or, I am just in a state of hormonal imbalance - eh, who knows?

With so much falling apart - for every relationship ended I feel more despair. I can feel the pain of every broken heart sometimes. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to find their soul mate and live happily ever after in some mystical land. I want every child to have a warm, loving home and reach their full and utmost potential. I wish so much for the world, even though I know it will never come to be. These bubbles and fantasies should end when the world becomes real to you. I am slightly jaded in that I learned too much of the real world too quickly in my life. How is it, then, that I still have these fantasies of youth? The wish for a ... happy quiet life. For a decent job where I can affect the youth of the nation and help them become the best they can be, a loving man to hold me - a couple children in the yard. I don't know - dreams change and fluctuate, but one thing I long for is completeness. A chance to make a difference.

Okay, so I have no idea if any of this made sense. Just drank pint o' bum wine. In summation (or apparent summation) I feel sad, but it doesn't make sense. I love him but it shouldn't be by societal standards. Fuck society's standards. And... something or other. Kittens are cute. Halle Berry + Hugh Jackman = sexy lady + sexy man = sexy mcsexerson.

Teh end? Fuck if I know. Strong feeling that sobriety will equal deletions and edits. Hmm. Oh vell!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Believe me / Spring time love

Hm, you believed one person and not the other...So many people vying for your time, your attention, your love. I hope that you believed me. In this spiral we are on propelling towards each other and life at a breathtaking, astronomical, speed of light pace I will never say something if it is not true. I have no reasoning or expectations set for this. You could disappear tomorrow, you could stay forever. Neither would surprise me - and both would. I wanted to tell you - but kept trying to make it something special or otherwise cheesy and full of corn. I was going to do it as we watched the sunset over Sunset Cliffs, but that event never happened. It was there in my heart longing to burst - and then I'd glance at a calender. Two weeks, one day since I jumped off a cliff. Three weeks since we fell on some ice and were stranded. Four weeks, one day since we jumped into this in a verbal manner. Yet... numbers cannot erase what I feel.


The smell of cut grass fills me with extreme fancy. I glance across the pavement at a field of daffodils bending gently with the wind. I shall pick him some. The sun feels warm and amazing on my winterized skin. I slide my smooth legs against each other, I love the way that feels. Traffic sucks, but I turn my music up a little louder and sing to match it. Roll the windows down and rest my hand on the exterior frame. A sigh escapes. I love this weather, blossoms on the trees, tulips and daffodils sprung all around town. I love this city - the people wandering in dress suits and tie-dyed dresses. Gladiator sandals, flip flops, stilettos. Bohemian, urban, trendy, classic, new. I love the way that everything mixes together under a flawless sky of bright blue. I love the way that I feel dancing down the hall to enter this place - hear him humming to himself in the bathroom as he gets pretty. My kitties dance around my ankles. Aaah love! So much I feel like my heart will explode sometimes. Missing two people that could make this even better. Brittany and Azurell. I suppose that I'll kidnap them eventually and make them join me once more in this city I love that is swallowing me in it's glorious embrace. Looking out towards the city as we cross over the freeway on 12th. The city at is finest - the Made In Oregon sign, Az's building, the lights.

I could go on and on regarding how much I love right where I'm at with this epicness that's so unreal. I hope I never wake up, that much is certain.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


"An individual and their character is not defined by what they see and their perception of the matter but rather, another's perception and reaction to our own tastes. Almost sadly, we do not bear the control to define ourselves in this world. We have to go about as we wish (with limitations) and allow the world to see who we are and make a point of reference as to where we stand in their mind's eye."

You see, our perception of reality very much so shapes who and what we are - not necessarily for other people, but definitely for ourselves; which is the most important thing really. Also, who we surround ourselves with will depend on what we consider relevant and admirable qualities - which will be defined based on our perception of such. Therefore, how others see you will be determined by the people you let see you which is determined by your perception. Furthermore, I disagree with your statement that we do not bear the control to define ourselves in this world. I think that we alone have that control and that it is up to us to inflict a high standing of ethos/pathos/logos in the minds of our cohort and peers to shape and bend their perception to our will. I suppose if you honestly had no care as to how the world perceived you, this would not be the case and you could float along as you suggested allowing the world to see who we are and make their own assumptions as to where we stand. Most people, however, at least moderately attempt to modify the way that they are held in the mind's eye of others and the world at large.

Which brings us to the innate human quality of deception and manipulation which are often in place. The facade we emulate so well to hide the inner truths that we are all shallow, greedy, vengeful, prideful, lustful, needy individuals. Which is not to say that we are not also tolerant, giving, peaceful, and humble - but there is definitely a duality in every heart which contains the negative. I will never cease to stop believing in the goodness of humanity - (which you find odd, I think?) If human beings were not good creatures, or did not have the overall capacity for good there would be absolutely no reason to remain in existence other than to achieve your own personal satisfaction. We'd be reduced to a pile of fornicating monkeys with guns and automobiles. I, for one, refuse to sink to that level of disintegration that I will admit exists. I cannot believe that I alone wish to better the world - not for myself, but for others. I refuse to believe that the majority of humanity is not in concurrence with me. I refuse to be a monkey fucking and flinging poo while I rape and pillage my way to the top of some corporate ladder only to realize that none of it matters. It doesn't matter how large your house is, what car you drive, how much money you have in the bank. It doesn't matter if you shop at Saks or Thrift shops. It matters that you have clean hands and a pure heart. It matters that you have the capacity for goodness, kindness and love. At the end of the day I want to be surrounded by those that I love and that love me - in addition to the basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter of course. It doesn't take much to make me happy - perhaps that means I am simple, perhaps. If it means that I am inferior to the rest of humanity - so be it.

But hey, it's all a matter of perception, right?


I've been thinking a lot lately on the matter of perspective. This can be something complicated, convoluted, and often times disheartening or something similar to it. All that aside - it is something which I will ponder from time to time for probably my whole life, until science creates something which allows me to see the world truly through another's eyes.

The concept of color, of taste, of feeling, of emotion. Is it universal? We know what blue is to us. It is the color of the sky, of a warm ocean, of my eyes. What does blue mean to you? You cannot describe it - because you can only describe it as blue. Green minus yellow. How do I know that the blue I see and perceive is the same you do, let alone the green and yellow hues? Do we taste things the same? Do the curry spices blend on my tongue in the same way they do on yours? Sure, we can both equate deliciousness, spice, conceptual things. But, is it the same? When I say I love you and you requite the feeling - is it the same? Is our concept of an ideal different than one another's but perceived by our brains as being identical in the mirrored brain of a lover?

I know that things like beauty, generosity, kindness, evil, etc. are things which vary in definition from person to person. We accept that others will find somethings appealing that we do not - this is natural. However, we accept things like color and language to be universal. How can we be sure that the words we speak are really the same?

Then again, if we all can communicate in a way which makes these things universal than it doesn't really matter, does it? In the end, our perception defines who and what we are. It is our reality. Whether or not this matches someone else's reality - or the majority of society's reality...well, in the end it doesn't really matter, does it? Unless of course you deviate too far from other people's perceptions. Then they might lock you up in a nice room where nice people will give you nice drugs and talk to you in nice tones and give you a nice jacket.

Which brings us to the topic of insanity. What makes someone insane? Really, they just perceive the world in different tones and hues than you do. Their fluctuations between a median are more extreme than yours. In some circles we call them eccentrics, those who make their own path, drama queens, etc. In others they are deviants, trouble makers, loons.

I suppose it depends. On your perception of the matter, of course.

My day so far.

The day starts at midnight - so when I say this is the last drink of the night, the counter resets then, right?

Okay, so no, I didn't really keep drinking after that. I was averagely drunk by that point and getting sleepy. So we put in a DVD that got delivered by the pirated movie Fairy and begin to watch. I may have fallen asleep somewhere in the middle range - but so far I can say I like it - and will like it more once all the CGI and such is in place.

I look around in the semi-total darkness and figure he must have stopped the movie when I fell asleep as I don't feel I'd been asleep that long. I rearrange my body in a more linear position on this futon that is acting as a bed for the time being. Of course him being my werewolf, vampire, robot, boy and it being close to a full moon apparently, he couldn't sleep. So we talk and such and such. Then it's three a.m. and I am missing something internally, something important. Uh-oh. I figure it might be in there so I go to bed. Kind of. Actually we watched an episode of Drawn Together, and then I really tried to sleep. I have no idea when I actually drifted off - but it wasn't at a good time considering I have to be... well, here by 9:00 a.m.

My alarm became part of my dream, I remember that much. He had to wake me up - good thing I set double alarms just to be sure I'm awake. It's freezing! Turns out Vampire-Werewolf-Robot-Boys run a little warm - not me, though! So he tries to cuddle me to make me warm - but somehow his projection heat isn't working. Boo.

Second alarm goes off and Kitty jumps up and tries to love. Okay, I think, I'll give you five minutes of nuggle time. And then I somehow end up accidentally elbowing him in the head. Oops. Guess it's time to get up anyway. Reach for my pants on the floor - they are covered in spaghetti sauce. My bad. Grab a clean pair. Realize you so did hang up my pants. You're awesome (and not just when you're bored). Throw together some sort of semblance of a human being. Glance over to see you - sleeping like a baby. Must be nice. Throw on my Power Bracelet, Mood Ring, 3D glasses. You know - the essentials. Look outside at the marvelous day forming. Realize my time would be better spent returning to futon and cuddling both kitties and boy until the air warmed enough for flip-flops and wandering. Realize I have negative money. Out the door for me.

The elevator smells like cat food, mildew, and.... ass? It is not too pleasant. Oh well, it's a short ride anyway. Get outside and try to remember in which direction I parked. Scan the road, can't find car! Think, think....oh right, it's on the other side. Grumble. Cross through lobby - out into pretty courtyard. Me thinks I need to sit down and bask in the scenery -- can't. Find car, drive car. Get to work on time by miracles of Sunday driving and going 20 over the speed limit.

Work. I feel like I'm missing something. I did yesterday too. I have what I need, and more. Food - Wallet - Keys - Phone - Glasses - Power Bracelet - Mood Ring. Who knows, maybe it's just the fact that I know when I get here, to this place - it will be empty of two people I love.

If you're reading this you have a mission to do. You need to find your muse, and go to the terrace and write. I recommend wandering the streets if you need a bit of inspiration. You ended with "**Meeting** Finish later." It is later - and you haven't gotten to the good part yet. Yes that was me insinuating that I am the good part, because I think that I win. I don't just mean the blog though - I am referring to the general aspects of writing that you believe to be lost from you.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Discernment of Now

Ah, if only I could kiss and tell. Well, that was probably more information already than most of you would like to hear - so we'll leave it at that very open ended statement.

I have been a mindless drone to the world of Pixie Hollow for so long. I spent all day, ten hours, typing things and doing things and questing and such. That and reading obsessively. I'm only in 2006 so, it's gonna be a while until I'm caught up - which it's updated daily so... yeah, it's going to be a while.

I am thrilled to have my two angels Kitty and Merrick with me once more. Their antics and personalities are so dissonant and functional and amusing.

I am at a place in my life that I shouldn't be at society wise for like five months, but for the moment at least - I don't mind. No, it's not that I don't mind - it's that I am (dare I say?) happy. There, I said it. Happy. Perhaps that fleeting happiness you get from a sunny day - perhaps the happiness you get from something more real. I haven't fully determined the level of that happiness yet - or figured out if it will turn into joy.

Speaking of which, there was a sermon a pastor gave many years ago upon the differences between happiness and joy - saying the Joy can only come from God whereas happiness is something which is conditional to your surroundings. This is true I think, to an extent. I do believe that joy is something which is very much so internalized as a pure state of mind and can persist through depressing moments. I don't know if it has to come from God or not - although his presence is something which definitely makes the world seem a little less ... bleak and hopeless? Less like a hunk of rock hurtling through space and time at thousands of miles an hour and more like a planet with purpose. Do we have a purpose? I've been told our purpose is to live and die. That my purpose is make this putrid planet even worse. That my purpose is to love. That my purpose is to serve my God and show him to the world. I don't know what our purpose is here - no one does.

I know that what my father told me was not true. I do deserve to be loved. Better yet, I am - I was, I will be. By friends, by lovers, by God eternally, maybe by you. In...some sappy movie I can't remember which and am too lazy to Google 'the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.' I think that love is multifaceted, multidimensional, and forever. If I love you today, I'll love you tomorrow, I'll love you in a month, a year, a decade. I will never stop. Whether I love you now as a friend, a family member, a lover - and later only as a memory it will still be love.

I like to claim my independence, yet I am dependent upon all of you. For my sanity, for my happiness, for my livelihood. I like to think I am in control, but my heart tends to drag me as it wishes. Or my bodily desires, whichever the case may be.

It's going to be in the seventies Sun/Mon and sunny. I long to wander the streets. Join me?
The flame dances on the wall as the shadows of my soul play tricks. The sweet smell fills this space as my heart begins to beat. Breathing in and out manually. Wonder what you're thinking. Wonder how many tabs are open in the browser of your mind. Wander down my own paths built around synapses of my mind. Firing electrical charges. Like those between your fingers and my skin. Spin, twirl, fall. Fall into....we're finding out a day at a time.

Thursday, April 2, 2009


He walks in front of me, this boy I do not know. His cigarette smoke fills my lungs with a sickly sweet feeling. I cross the pavement into the lot of metal beasts that kill the Earth one revolution at a time. I cross the threshold of the building I've been entering every day for nearly a year and a half. It is empty here.
"I know it's often difficult for me to be able to discern the sensation of the love that I feel for you as a friend and that as a lover. I think I may have finally managed to coordinate some control over that recently and though I'm sometimes left wondering..." I'm not sure how I could interpret that any way other than how I did. If you can't discern the difference... if you still are left wondering... Le sigh.

Despite my better notions, I believe it when you tell me sweet words I long to hear. Despite my bitter heart, I have some hope. Despite my broken faith I am jumping off these cliffs. You said something last night, trying to analyze my feelings - notice how I did not disagree, but I did not admit it either. Give me time to know, give me time to figure out if I can let my heart jump off the same cliffs my behaviors have. Give my behaviors time to match the longing that I feel. Time. Patience is something which you pretend to have, but secretly lack I think. I'm not sure, you have been more patient than I expected someone of your gender disposition to be. This leaves me puzzled and confused. You are patient, but you seem to get massive enjoyment from pushing the boundaries I have set for myself. Not that I have too many objections.
I am living in your space, I am breathing in this, your city daily. I man with a giant pink flower in his hand comments on the loveliness of the city. Yes, I agree, this is a fine city indeed. I wish you were here to enjoy it with me. To taste the night, to walk the street, to speak with strangers who carry flowers in upturned palms. I hope that in your new space you are happy, content for the moment. I navigate the city by the lighted dome of your building. Each turn, each exhale reminds me that you will not be just an elevator ride away.
School is somehow confusing me more than I ever thought possible. I read these online pages and have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I will reread them later to try and pass so I can move on in this jungle of chaos in a relatively organized fashion. I do my best to stay on track, but faltering is so very easy to do. I know that I would have no qualms if the world stopped its madness and paused. I like this moment of life I am in - I don't want it to change. I love my job, my friends, the apartment, my plan "W," and yes, you as well.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the consequence of everyone's actions upon the world, along the notions of the butterfly effect. Did me taking the third MAX somehow alter the course of everyone's lives? Did the man with the flower find the person it was intended for, or was it merely for his own personal satisfaction? Did the boy in front of me, smoking his cigarette and trying to exude a devil may care attitude, change the fate of the world? How many lives have you touched? Continue to touch every day? Will touch in the future? Countless. I like to think that some impact is made between every single interaction you've ever had with anyone in your life. That you impact everyone you meet, see, touch, talk with, pass by. If you kiss someone, if you lock eyes with a stranger and smile, if you amuse a passerby, if you hold the elevator door, if you share a bit of wisdom with someone eavesdropping on your conversation - is their life changed? Will they become different, better, altered, due to their mere seconds in your presence? Will you?
Yes, this blog is long. No, it may not make sense. I've taken to plan W and I suppose that comes with lack of proper organizational tools. It comes with smoking, drinking, and breathing Nitrous Oxide all night as well. In addition, it is the moments on the futon watching silly cartoons and eating food off of an ironing board. It comes with feeling your heart beat next to mine, tasting your skin, and moments of pure exhilaration. It comes with cart food, and walking in the rain. Jumping into pools of freezing water, and feeling the salt of the ocean in San Diego. It comes with delicious breakfasts at Portland locales, and getting lost in the city. There's also an awesome little apartment in a great spot in town, and aluminum foil squirrels. There's driving for more hours than I'd like to recall, and getting amazing pizza at a local joint while watching you play DDR. Losing track of days, moments, reality, and time. There's so much from living I never thought would happen, I'd never thought I'd be where I am, with who I'm with. You say you need a plan, order, sequential sequences labeled and defined - look what we've done without them.