Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I have all I could want

On my way to college I am. I've been accepted, I'm nearing filling out all my scholarships... looked at housing, figuring out all that jazz. It's pretty exciting when I think about the fact that it's actually happening. Something I've wanted since I knew what college was. I've wanted an amazing boyfriend to marry, and a schooling that surpasses what my family has had. I have, or will have, both. I'm so lucky to have the teachers working with me or I never would have made it this far. It's exciting, I'm excited... and also, need sleep.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

ponderings of the future

Being a girl totally sucks. Cramps and what not and bleeding like a mother. Oh well, it's nothing new. Brittany and I looked at apartments for when we go to school. We can make the reservations for our place in August... which is seven months away. Doesn't seem like it's too close until you really look at it. Clint and I have been together for nine months and it feels like a fraction of that. Seven months will go by fast, especially with all the business of Senior year. Winter formal, AP tests, prom, homework, etc. Being with all my people - mostly Clint, but that could change. Then I'll be in college and living with friends and ... that's pretty crazy. The only prople I'll have is finding a job in the area close to school. Other than that I'll be okay.

I just realized that Brittany's parents are actually interested in her college. They actually give a damn. Like pay attention to dates of things and encourage her to do scholarships and everything like that. Mine? Couldn't care less. Didn't even care if I applied for it. All they care about is the money involved. How much it's going to cost them for my livelihood. For the betterment of myself. Fuck it. I'm too... angry

Thursday, January 19, 2006

the mundane

Clint came and picked me up and we went to Fred Meyers, because we're skippers like that. Then we went to Taco Bell to eat, and then we went to school. I did a math test, then English and home and nuggle time. He said he'd rather I got him a different ring, but he decided to keep the one I got.


Why am I not at school? Because I'm waiting for Clint to pick me up. Why does Clint have to come get me? Because my grandma 'needed' to take a pain pill. Because she's in so much 'pain.' Maybe she is, but she's so annoying with it, I don't care anymore. No one can honestly be in the most intense pain they can stand 24\7. Except, of course, my grandma. I guess some one must have bent the rules for her. She's so full of it. Everyone has pain, that's not it... most people don't give up and have their goal in life consisting of laying down not doing anything. Most people don't complain entirely constantly. It's not right. She's either complaining loud enough so the whole house is full of it, or she gets out of doing something - like grocery shopping (which we desperately need to have happen), birthday parties, BBQs, anything. If her pain is real, then still she deserves not so much pity. She'd be in pain anywhere, so she should just do what needs to be done. It makes me so mad! She zaps the life out of this house. And her mother is the same way, only worse. She just copies whatever my grandma says is hurting, it's so annoying.

On the bright side, I'm so happy that I'm with Clint. He's my savior of this home. Takes me away so I don't become drained like the rest of them. Old and shriveling - not less than willingly. Without him, I'd be devastated.

-Had to vent.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

no matter what, I'm still a girl

I have a lot of thoughts and emotions and... yeah. Do I want to marry him though? Spend the rest of my life with him, never deeply loving any other? I love him... but, I've loved others, just not as deep. Maybe that's the point. I'm still tempted though, to truly discover. Then, talking to Tiffany, she told me that in setting myself free I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. Because I don't want to be free from Clint. I really don't at all. I just want some divine sign that tells me for sure. Some ringing flashing signal in the sky that tells me he's the one for me. But I don't think that sign will ever come. What if he's not right for me? He's so...*mind blanks* I'm an artist in my own fashion, my medium is words. Not so much in my journaling, but that's not the point. Due to that one artistic aspect, if you will, I consider myself an artist. I love every form of art ... music, theater, painting, dance, and writing of course. Be it novels, poems, short stories, lyrics, it doesn't matter. If a person can express themselves with words.... especially when no speaking takes place. When you write, an audience doesn't get to see your body language, your facial expressions. They can't hear the subtle intonation in your voice. Somehow, as a writer, all this must come through in other ways. Mainly through the connotation of your diction and the punctuation that is used. Anyway... Clint either doesn't care or doesn't appreciate or.. something. When I share of piece of writing he seems indifferent. I crave someone who would let whatever it was wash over them, and then could continue to have an intellectual conversation over the piece at hand. A simple, good or bad, I like it or I didn't... it kills me.

One of my dreams in life is to have the man that I love play on his guitar while singing to me. I guess I should say that it was a dream. I love Clint so much, but there's that something that's missing. That something is within him I think, and not our relationship. He's very... superficial is the only word that comes to mind, but it's not quite right. He can be deep... rarely, but it is possible. I don't know if I'll ever be able to find someone who can love me like he does. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to love anyone as much as I do Clint. Even with that I wonder. Still I question if we're meant for each other... forever. What I believe we need is a break. Some time apart. Set some boundaries as to what we do with other people and see what happens. Then when we both decide to get back together, we would. It would take me one day to decide everything I needed to decide. One Day . But, it would break Clint's heart if I mentioned it. And, even while I say I want a break, I know that in the end all I want is him. I say I'm not sure, because there could be someone out there.... or, rather, someone is making me wonder. Even though I want to be sure, even though I have an urge to solidify everything, I know - in my heart what the answer would be. I already know, still...

It's not that I'm bored of him. There's never a dull moment, I love being with him. More so, I feel too comfortable with him. Like we're settled down already. We see each other more than we don't and we can talk about anything. Showing him all of myself unhidden is nothing to me. I can be who I am. It's a wonderful, horrible thing. It means I don't have to worry if my hair or makeup are 'acceptable'. It means I don't have to worry if I'm not wearing flattering clothes. It also means that there's no newness, there are no butterflies in my stomach. I'm excited to see him, but it's different now. That sense of newness that is so wonderful, to never have that again? To never have another first kiss - never another song, first time...anything? To give that up already? I'm only seventeen. I was sixteen when we started dating, that seems to young to be done.

You could say that I'm lucky to have found 'the one' so early in my life. No club scene, no being lonely on a Friday night. I don't have to worry anymore. I'm so very conflicted! I still want to check out my other options... still want to test the waters. I don't understand myself! Obviously, if there's some doubt in my mind I shouldn't think of marrying him. Yes, each day I am so different - and each day the same. I wake up and Clint is the first thing I think of. How I want to hear his voice and I wish I could wake up beside him. Every time I see him I want to practically tackle him with hugs and kisses. I love every touch we share, every kiss, every tender moment. I couldn't imagine having that with anyone else. I could imagine a kiss with some one else...but not the more intimate things.

Maybe I could picture myself with someone else, but it wouldn't be right . Not like Clint is right for me. The more I work this through in my head, the more I think that Clint and I are meant for each other. Yet, somehow, the more I think that the more doubt enters. The vicious cycle. I could see being with someone else, but I could never marry some one else. That is the definite factor I suppose. It doesn't matter who else I dated, or loved, it would all -- everything, return to Clint. For in the end, I am him and he is me. We're opposites. Ying and Yang. I don't need some one like me... that's who I need as friends. Friends share the same ways you do. But the one you love, that's entirely different. The one you spend forever with can't be an addition of you, they must complete you. Clint completes me. Those who attract me to them, are more like me than they are not. Yet, that is not a strength in a relationship. There is strength in diversity. Strength in opposites. Through the laws of physics we find that opposites attract. North and south, positive and negative. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'll reiterate once more... in love, in my soul mate, in my husband I don't need an addition, I need a completion. I believe that Clint completes me.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I can be to the point

Woke up. Talked to Clint. Showered. Finished English. Bought lighter. Got Bio book from Brit's. Did bio homework. Gave Clint blow job. Gave Brit's book back. Went and smoked pot. The lighter sucked. Got new lighter. Got stoned. Got munchies. Myspace and e-mail. Brittany, Gabe, and Sam. Interesting. Post bulletin. Check on Clint's ring. Won't let me. E-mail customer service. Offline. Short and to the point journal entry. Bathroom. Drink water. Try to sleep. The end.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

I'm Engaged?

Yesterday was Friday the Thirteenth. Yeah, Clint rear-ended somebody. We were driving to my house from school and pulled to a stop light. Clint went to give me a kiss and then *CRASH* Mr. Mcghee apparently let his foot off the clutch and break ... which then let the Bronco move forward...into the innocent little car in front of us. At least Clint's dad didn't get mad. I mean, Clint gave some lame excuse of wet brakes, which was bought rather easily... so it was kind of an oh friggin' well, shit happens, you can't change the past so why stress over it situation. I mean his insurance will go up, the person he hit hasn't called yet so who knows by how much, but I guess Shawn was okay-ish with that.

I was worried, but I guess that's just my nature. Clint's working tomorrow...while I miss him, I need to do some homework and catch my room back up to par. Clint and I cleaned it hardcore, but it needs some readjusting. So I guess that's what my tomorrow will be. I bought a ring for Clint, I was thinking of giving it to him on our nine month anniversary... maybe at Rock Creek Tavern or something. He asked me to marry him, using one of my old rings that didn't fit...

Clint and I will make it, for sure! We totally have to, there's just too much love and togetherness and everything for us not to work out in the scope of forever. That's like four-ev-er. Four- ha! - right? Anyway... I love Clint enough to give him anything he wants - within limits of course. I hope all he wants is to be together forever and to have all my love and devotion.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

I'm an insomniac

Wow, I so can't fall asleep right. I think that during my break, my irregular hours did something to my internal clock. Or I became dependent upon Clint for sleep. When we spent long times together we napped and cuddled and lounged about quite a deal. So many hours of nightly rest were not needed, and due to the absence of school I could go to sleep whenever I chose to receive it.

Anyway... so when I'm tired now, sleep is not easily coming, though I know it would if Clint were here with me. In knowing that, perhaps it will be even harder to fall asleep. I called him, and the gentle, melodic rhythm of his voice nearly acted as a lullaby to my still active and working mind. Then he went to bed, and now I am left with my own interesting place to be I must admit. However, I fear I have only one choice - to lay in bed, pull up the covers, and simply wait for the kind sandman to sprinkle his dust of relief upon my anxiously awaiting eyes. Yes, wait I must, and so I shall.

Monday, January 2, 2006

it's 2006

Just to show what a brilliant friend I am, I bought Brittany's Christmas presents today. I didn't have any money until Dec. 28th when I got paid, but no... I waited even longer. I suppose the truth is I wanted to give them to her a long time ago, but whatever.

Clint forgot to pay his ticket, so his license could be suspended right now. He's going to pay it off and clear it up tomorrow.

New Year's was pretty good. Clint and I went to Christie's to play poker... I came in fifth out of six, Clint was fourth. Oh well, it was only a two dollar buy-in. So winner got $12, ten buck profit. We watched the ball drop... Clint and I started kissing when there was like two seconds left and so we kissed from one year to the next. I like it... I mean I thought it was a cute idea, instead of how everyone kisses at the New Year, I wanted to be kissing as it started.

School tomorrow.. UGH! Oh well, got to do it I guess... I should go to sleep.