Sunday, May 31, 2009

The Proem to the Squitten Bible

In the beginning, there was "teh interwebs" which spawned forth from its many interconnected tubes the first squitten. The squitten was a glorious thing to behold! Half kitten, the cutest of "teh interwebs" creations; half squid, a wondrous cephalopod from the deep. When their powers combine, nothing but the cutest of creatures was formed -- witness... The Squitten!

In the distant future, a great and mysterious prophet who was known across the land only as Chue came into being. He etched the first squitten with such beauty and grace all that beheld it were bedazzled by its wondrous glory. All rejoiced at this new phenomena. "Teh interwebs" saw it, and saw that it was good.

The angels sang their choruses with delight and sent forth a member of the brethren, Xerox to create more of the magical half-breed delights. As Xerox's wings flapped, some say they almost buzzed, more and more squitten came to be. The squitten were saddened, as they all were the same. So they called to the angels for help, and the angels sent saviors to their garden gates.

Who were these angels, you may ask? The multifaceted and oh so intelligent team of Attrony and friends. They worked day and night, forsaking all other activities and obligations to create a beautiful array of squitten; each adorable and unique in its own right. There were fairy squitten, and metal-head squitten, glittery squitten, and squitten that glowed. Squitten all around rejoiced at their differences and looked for some purpose in their newly techno-colored existence.

They revolted against the rest of "teh interwebs" and status quo. They were outraged as they stared at the multitudes of petulant children all around. So the squitten banded together and formed a massive army, one to overtake all others and place the squitten in utmost command of "teh interwebs" and then, the world. The army held mercy in their hearts for Attrony and friends who gave them the knowledge of colors and personality, and so remained docile while brewing their plans of domination.

The army grew stronger, the forces containing them weaker, and none knew what to do. Then an arch angel from the south spoke up and broke apart Attrony and friends from their humble day to day grind. The squitten's sobs echoed across the globe as rather than stay together they too, then, were divided; choosing instead to go with their angels of understanding and wisdom.

Fear not, faithful servant. This is not the end of the tale. For eventually (it is written in the heavens) that the army will once again rejoin and carry out their master plans. The prophet Chue has pen in hand and is honing his skills for this fateful day. Rest assured, it will happen. The power within the army is too great to stay apart forever. They will grow in numbers and in strength, and when they combine once again nothing will be able to stop them.

The end of days will be, at that moment, when the army comes together. Not even the angels can fathom the massive power and incredible might of the Squitten Army. Rest safe now, knowing that the end is not upon you... but not too safely.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


I think that due to the fact that we each have our own perceptions we project onto other people's writing that online discussions should not take place. Because, honestly, I didn't say that the items or your past is bullshit, I merely hinted that you might be deceiving yourself and your motives. Fuck it. Not important.

I just want everything to be happy! Why are things not happy? I do not understand. I try, why does it not work? Stressors are driving me out of my mind. I want a super clean and organized house inhabited by two gainfully employed, educated adults who have only love for each other in their hearts. Perhaps some day that will be obtained. I apologize to all who have been pulled into the never ending debate over ex-girlfriend baggage, it is now over. I submit my white towel to the judges.

In other news I found the name of the poems I like Villanelles. They're pretty cool, and I wrote one to be found on my poetry blog, I'll be writing more because I really like their structure.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

it's been 68 days

...and we've got a pretty nifty apartment in a decent area of the Tron. We've got a pool around the corner, a computer center, and a fitness center too. We've got amazing friends that come over to play some Guitar Hero World Tour and get drunkard. We've got a microwave on the way and some bar stools from the grandma. We've got two lovely kitties that are all about BAMSAP but are still angels and cuddly. We've got snuggle times, solitaire competitions, lots of laughs, long epic talks and great sex. We've got power bracelets, rings, and gems - and an ankh necklace that is apparently older than me. We've got faith that everything will work out okay, somehow. We've got a smidgen of mystery and lots of learning and growing to do. We've got some baggage on both sides, but we've got a lot of love as well. We've got altered senses of time with speed and slow motion intermingled with chaotic precision. If money didn't exist life would be full of rainbows, butterflies, sunshine, magic, and fairy dust, and springy music.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I'm unprepared

I've got the two money orders needed to make the deposit + first month's rent in my wallet. I've got a time set to go in, sign papers, and get the keys.

I do not have one thing packed. I do not have a truck lined up with which to move said things which have yet to be packed. I will hopefully be unloading the unpacked things from the truck which doesn't exist within 24 hours time into my new apartment. Yeah, somehow I think we lacked a bit of proper prior planning. Sad thing is, it's kind of a common occurrence with us. Although sometimes it works out okay. Well... most times I think.

I'm not even going into the money portion of it, eep! Thank goodness for Drew. Without him wanting pretty computer-ness we'd be down to $20 for two weeks. Not so grand at all.

Here's to hoping he actually tried to get a job. Here's to hoping he actually takes the time to call the Employment office. Here's to hoping he keeps trying to get in touch with his sister, or exist in general. A birth certificate would be a good start. $12 from the state of Maine.

*Breathe* Sorry if that was retardedly snippy or snarky or whatever term you'd like to use. Faith, right? Faith.

Oh and here's a self reminder to put in claim for unemployment Monday. Joy.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

it's one of those moments

You know, those moments when you realize that everything will be okay if you could freeze time? The bits and pieces of life that paint your perfect world in mosaic? One of those moments. Something is... different with him and this. I can't really say more without sounding like that dreaded girl at the party. I shouldn't say more giving that it's only officially been two months (tomorrow). All I know is that last night was, one of those moments. A pin-prick in time that makes you realize that those three words really are said too much and that they simply are not enough.

In other news, it seems that a lot of the stress is going to be lifted, at least a little bit. The apartment apparently is going to let us do monthly payments on our deposit, not in the best way imaginable, but in a way that we can afford to move in. I'm not sure if that's going to help too terribly much, but it will a little bit. In addition, I might be able to get my BA in Social Science at the PCC campus as a satellite for the PSU program --- assuming I decide to teach elementary school, which I think I am going to. I guess I can always switch later if I change my mind? All these grown up decisions. Maybe I'll open up a poll and you guys get to decide? Sure -- comment or w/e with your decision and I'll listen to those that know me best.

In addition in a negative manner, I still have tons of other debt to deal with. I have an unpaid school balance of $391, $1500 on a 30% interest Credit card and $4000 for my car, oh an $1,000 on the bed (interest free until Feb. 2010 though). I'm having a housewarming party (text me or DM me on Twitter for address) on the 25/26. Hopefully the 25th in the evening, like 8:30pm. If you want to get me anything... we need a microwave, two+ bar stools, and money. I'm going to not have a job in 10 days and John doesn't have anything lined up. We will be needing all the help we can get -- living off of 800 a month for two people. Yeah, joyous times.

Enough about the bitching, how did that even pop up? I was rambling about the beautiful love making and love existing that occurred last night that was like, wow. I can't even describe the closeness and such that I feel for him. I continuously run myself through the gauntlet of my mind -- what would I do if... it came down to the wire and he didn't have a job? Clint pressed wanting to get back with me? He went to Virginia and disappeared? The answer to every mind scenario is this - me with him, and only him. I will 'fight a bitch' if I have to. I do doubt myself sometimes, when he does; or expresses his half voiced doubts. I then think about everything in my life that has transpired. I have something here that I do not want to lose. He very well could leave tomorrow and never return. I know this. There is that chance that he gives up and cannot take my habitually frayed nervous system.

"This may not last but this is now so love the one you're with."
"And if it turns out/ It's over too fast/ I'll make every last moment last"
"Say there's no future/ For us as a pair/ And though I may know/ I don't care/ Just for this moment/ As long as you're mine/ Come be how you want to/ And see how bright we shine"

Friday, May 15, 2009

you have to stop on an even number or else explode

Hi, my name is Stephanie. I am freaking out in a medium to slightly hot fashion hot sauce style. I tend to base things on hot sauce scale.. mild, medium, hot. Yeah. So here's my list of all the things stressing me out and/or making me not happy.

1) My credit card that I thought I needed to buy a fantastic laptop decided that because I payed one day late they were going to retard out the interest rate to 29.9% and charge me a fuck ton of late fees. I am broke enough already, people! So with my debt on there it's going to be close to $500 a month in interest. Good luck me paying that off, EVER.

2) I have yet to pay my school. Because I had to give Az money for the apartment and put food in four bellies, I don't know when this will happen. More money needs to come out to provide roof for aforementioned four bellies. I would put it on my interest free credit card, however... it's now a 30% interest credit card.

3) The apartment hasn't approved John yet. This is minor in the scheme of things, but it's on the list. I, however, am approved and good to go. If he has no credit, we might not have enough to pay for the move-in fees.

4) Transferring to the new contract at work was supposed to make me lose $0.50 which isn't great, but not fantastic either. However, recent news has come to light which makes it sound very possible that I will be losing $1.75 an hour from my wage. That's close to $4,000 a year, before taxes. Hey, at least I'll be able to get into VALF, right?

5) This contract that I love is ending. Fifteen days, that's it. Something which I have worked so damn hard for and put my everything in -- gone. Well, that's typical of life, isn't it? What's the lesson here, don't try?

5) I am so far behind in school, it's ridiculous. I'm pinching and contorting to fit myself into these boxes. I don't even care anymore! I just want to be done. If I get C's I'll be super sad, but fuck it, I'll survive.

6) I have two weeks to figure out if I'm going to go to PSU or not in the fall. That application costs money, money I do not have and I don't have fake money to balance on right now either for the most part in a feasible and sane manner.

7) The relationship I am in has been very tense due to all this stress. It's like a new born being exposed to the wild elements. I don't know if it can take it, or if the storm raging around it will fracture its soft and gentle skull. I want nothing more than to find solace in him, and let him be the eye of this storm and carry me through. I cannot depend on others for peace in myself, however. I should have learned a long time ago that you can only depend on yourself and your strengths in life. More information on this section can be found in the blog prior.

8) My apartment is a mess and a half. Sure, it's super tiny which does not help, but it's driving me crazy. I have to put mental blinders on. However, in the priority of things school and relationship come first. Therefore, it can fucking wait until those things are on a perfect track or I just freak out and explode.

9) I'm super self conscious these days. I can't stand the shape, texture, anything about my body external and in. I also feel like I am starting to fray and/or break at the seams mentally and that my very chemical composure is off.

10) My piercing is super itchy and I keep bumping it when I try to get the hair out of my face.

11) I'm having to deal with this whole computer transaction deal. I love Drew, but I can't give all those tech answers, and I don't know what to do that would appease both parties. It really would have been better if he had done it, but that's pretty much over and done with now anyway.

12) I need to change my transmission fluid, and get people to stop hitting my car. What is it about my car that screams "Please, for the love God won't you please smack me with your door, back into me, run into me, anything!!!!"? My car needs TLC not smashery.

There's probably more, which is disheartening. I, however, was supposed to be out of this building 16 minutes ago. So... if I seem on edge, you know a little bit why.

Me ranting.

Needing to rant. Just a little bit. Well, it might turn into a lot a bit knowing me. Either I'm in a hormonal fluctuation or I'm just bugged by this you get what you want or it turns into something way bigger than it should be thing that seems to be happening. Cool, you're stressed - I get it. I'm stressed too, in case you couldn't tell. That's not a reason to have any squabbles. When a friend is like "hey I'll totally get that equipment, can you give me some information before I spend this money on it?" you shouldn't get upset or say it's too much work. You wanted to sell the shit in the first place. Especially as he's like 'Hey <3 for working with me, hurray.' and gives you options which don't include deconstruction of the equipment which you wanted to avoid for convenience purposes. When people are going out of there way to help you with a project you shouldn't freak out when it doesn't go according to your presupposed plans. I get it, you don't like self maintained ignorance, change of plans, and being lost. Okay, so I guess, maybe, you have a plan for life and existence and got tweaked. So that sucks. In my interview today they asked me what is an admirable quality in a human and I said flexibility and a positive outlook. While I tried to slant it towards relevancy, it's very true.

Okay so that's the end of my rant. As you're not being...whatever anymore, it's not at the moment relevant, but it made me feel better.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Sitting in a comfy chair at school.

Well, there's an astronomy test down. That's fantastic, I hope that my actual studying that I did paid off. Syzygy was actually there, which... I think I was more obssessed with the word then what it actually meant. Oops, oh well. It also appears that I have found a place to exist in a couple weeks, woot. The apartment isn't the most amazing thing ever - but the only qualm I really have is W/D placement. Then again, I can't really complain because it has them, which will make life a lot more easy. It's super cheap as well, so yay for money! I am trying to figure out whether or not I want to continue school after this term. I can totally function with school I think, but I'm going to be in so much more debt, because I'll probably have to take out a loan. Then again, PSU sent me something saying financial aide exists. In that case... maybe it'll be okay. Either way, I need to kill this debt. Speaking of which -- need to pay my school, late of course, so I could afford the paying for the place I'm currently at - but yeah. I also went in last week to cancel my GAP insurance so that should take off some extra debt.

Oh God... one of my classmates just commented on the giant hickey on my neck, and asked if I had been making out with an elephant. Yeah, that's fantastic. Oh god, now their all like 'It's a supernova, no a quasar... giant gamma ray coming out of there." "Great White grab you by the neck?" Yeah, so I didn't think it was so visible -- considering it's like half the saturation colorwise that it was like... four days ago. Now I'm all blush like... okay yes subject change to car audio... oops no j/k back on to the India shape of it.. and on to test. Okay, I think that's done now. Except now it moves on to girl in the class they thinks attractive and how they'd like to put super novas on her neck. She's so not attractive on any way, by the way. That's okay, because ... boys are weird.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Things that make keep me alive and happy

Azurell requested, and therefore she shall have. I'm too lazy for pictures, but too wordy for a list so you'll get... a list with tidbits.

Friends: Without which I wouldn't be here, or at least here and sane. To those of you who are true friends and would do anything for me - you can honestly know that you are the reason for my breath. In my darkest hour I knew I had to live for you. I will give all I can to you and hope that your life can become better because of me - because mine's definitely better due to you. You are my family.

: I will never cease to love - even when love ceases to find me.

: Not just faith in God - although that is very important. I have faith in humanity, in the goodness that exists within each of us. I have faith that tomorrow will come and has potential to be better than today. Without this faith - well, I'd be lost.

: I love kittens, all kittens. They are cute - they are fluffy. Their eyes make the world seem okay and their purr let's you know that it is true indeed that at least one living thing on the planet can trust and love you. Oh, and their cuteness is teh win! (Oh and squittens go here too!)

Babies: I love babies, and children in general. They make me smile and melt my heart. There is nothing more precious than a baby. They smell like heaven and coo like angels. Yeah - that sounded a little creepy, didn't it? Honestly, I was born to be a mom - the only thing keeping me from being one now is money and a ring on my finger. My aspirations in life all involve children - raising them and helping them along their path.

Coloring: Yes, I love to color. I love markers and colored pencils the most. I love the way black and white becomes life. So much so in fact that I'm coloring a Stitch for someone else's Stitch. Someone that I'll never call Stitch and used that very pet name but... is so attached to the past that he doesn't even see... *sigh* I'm overreacting I think, I know this.. but yes, Coloring is very much so win.

: If you haven't been following this blog, well then, you may not know it. If you have - then you'll know; writing is my life blood. It is something which I am drawn to do and seldom have control over. It is what keeps me in this semblance of sanity and holds my tears inside. It is my goal, my dream, and the quintessential necessity of my life.

Geeks: This deserves a category separate from any other. Geeks make me giggle with delight, squee with confusion. I love the dorks and nerds too - we'll generalize them in here as well. I love you - you coders, computer builders, you who play with Python and dabble in SQL. You who love Star Trek, and Star Wars and will murderously glare at any who confuse the two. You who make obscure references to comic books ages old and chuckle at your own genius. The makers of awful puns, the people sometimes I stare at blankly because I simply don't understand. You torrent downloading, Linux running, D&D playing fools. <3

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

my musings for the day

"...still can't find myself. I still stand alone in a world where those that are supposed to do the least are actually doing the most."

I hope that you can do all that you can to find yourself. You need not feel alone, for though I am assuming that I am the person you are referring to here - just accept that everything will work itself out. There are no tallies of what is owed, there is only love.

" I think that a sudden and severe impact that I have experienced more than once in my recent life may have actually caused damage. Either that or I need to stop thinking so much."

Yeah - you're crazy. It is all in your head I think. Either you're not liking what you're seeing/feeling or you're thinking too much about ... mother's with their head's blown off while holding young children. Or, you know you're broken in another way. Regardless the 'sudden and severe impact' didn't do it.

I know that we weren't best friends or anything of the sort before this whole thing got started, but we were friends. At least in my mind. One of the apprehensions that I had with all this was that fact - but I guess the feeling was not reciprocated. Well, all I can say is I hope that we become friends so you don't feel the need to shut me out should the other aspects dissolve. You're amazing and I don't want to not have you. I'm sure things would change if it were to end...still.. I don't know - again, not thinking of such things.

I feel bad in feeling happy that a fight ensued between the two of you causing you to 'eliminate.' I also felt ridiculously sad or something and wanted to make you call and apologize. Yeah, because I'm logical and such. I've told you you'll never meet anyone as conflicted and running on dual channels as me, haven't I?

The night that I had my... I don't know - I won't call it a breakdown because not a single tear fell. The memory that kept pounding its way through wasn't as traumatic as some of the other ones that could have pierced my shell, but it was very like vivid or something. So it's my dad and he's got like scruffies or maybe a mustache and he's making me kiss him, but I don't want to so I'm pulling away so he grabs my like cheeks and pushes them together so like my mouths slightly open and then when he kisses me I can feel the border of his facial hair and taste the tobacco he has in his mouth. Bits of this tobacco make their way into my mouth... and so, yes - please never chew tobacco - or have a mustache...

I could have had a million other ones which made their way to primary tab, but that's the one that made it. The others were there - being processed and recognized, but for some reason... yeah. Thanks for ... being asleep I guess. If you weren't then you might have tried to pry or something which if I had told you then it may have become a break down.

Yeah, I got my haircut again. Even though you seemed to have a preference of me not - you didn't seem to notice. However, you did notice the flower - so perhaps you were merely going with the if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all deal. Who knows. I feel so much lighter! I love Diana and recommend her to any of you. She's at the Perfect Look in Tanasbourne. She's cute and has pretty tattoos.

I feel sometimes like I am someone else. Or that I've changed and I don't know it. You know when you look in the mirror to make sure you look fabulous? I've been looking in the mirror to make sure that I'm still me. What do you do when you look in the mirror and someone else is looking back? You're not thinking that you look bad necessarily, just that it's not you. . . I don't know.

The apartments I really want, shit it's too late to call them now! Anyway, so they say I make too much money, but they have me at like... 2,400 more than I could possibly make by their little program. I think I'm going to try and fight it. There is another apartment in Beaverton that's 900 ft. for 550/month but it's ... well, the buildings were built in 1969 so...yeah. Makes me said Village at Lovejoy Fountain is like ... *sigh* pretty. 2 blocks from Keller Auditorium, right around the corner from PSU campus, a jaunt to the waterfront. Yeah, fabulous much?

As for my personal feelings right now, well... I feel off... like, something is imposing itself. What is this happening to me? Shocking things, tuning radio through speakers, having so many tabs open that I can't even see them all. How can I be contemplating dark matter and black holes, while flashing memories of my past, wondering what exactly the program you went through was about, and how cute kitty looks, and the weather patterns, and homelessness, and apartments, and money, and..yeah - all that at once. No wonder my brain feels like it's exploding.

PS you still owe me a letter.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

I'm Breathing Manually.

Aah. I can breathe!

Okay, sorry all for the craziness that's not even important. I know that no one would kick someone out for $40.33. For living illegally without a lease, yes, but the late fee shouldn't play into affect as long as they get their rent on time.

The package we'll get eventually, patience is a virtue and all that jazz.

We'll find another place to live. If we do get kicked out we'll find some people who will let us couch surf until we can find a place of our own we can afford. Beg, borrow, or steal - we'll survive.

DHS says I can get 10.00 in food stamps, so that's not even worth the trouble of applying. Although, the calculator said someone making minimum wage would only get 70.00 which seems - not right. If you make nothing, you can get 298.00 so that makes a bit more sense I suppose.

It's really funny and sad how nicotine, food, and country music have calmed my frazzled nerves to the point I can breathe again. I feel kind of guilty for falling to altering substances - but .. whatever. I'm not going to hold it against myself and I hope you don't either.

I can only pray that everything will smooth itself out and that no matter what happens there'll always be a silver lining. If you believe in such things, throw a couple good words up for me - will ya?

Alright then, it's time to get back to work and catching up on some television broadcasts. Oh, and homework for sure!

I'm not quick on my feet

Hm. My phone rings with "Let me In!" as the name. The apartment box is calling me. That's... nifty... Maybe John locked himself out... he's not that dumb, uh... I dunno, friends?

Nope. Apparently it's the postman asking what the name of the person in 309 is.

Azur---er, Andrea Papka.

Yeah, but she's having her mail forwarded so...

Yeah, she's moving but still able to get stuff at the apartment.

Okay, well the stuff not to her I'll return to sender then.



My shirts! Nooooooo! I guess it might be something else - no, because my everything is still going to my grandma's and John's just got the unemployment which shouldn't be sending him anything anyway since he doesn't exist.

Fan-fucking-tastic. I so need super cognitive training, so then I could have been like, "The name of the person in 309 is Andrea Papka, I'm Stephanie Lukas and am looking after her affairs while she transitions her personal and financial situations to her new locale. Any and all packages I will be able to obtain. Thank you." Oops. Well, dearest John your elusive shirts might still be there, maybe. If you want them you'll have to face Mr. Man with the suspicious glance and accusing words. Otherwise we'll have to wait until Az gets them back and then pay her for shipping. To like.. our actual apartment. Or my grandparent's which would have been the smart thing to do in the first place. Oh well. Just another hiccup in this road.

Monday we are going to look at apartments. We are moving as soon as possible and getting all the drama behind us. Then you are going to get a job and have money and I'm going to get a loan - or it might be too late for starting in the fall and I might just not have school anyway. So then we'll have some money and things and happiness and joy.

Le sigh.