Friday, July 29, 2011

Faraway places
unseen faces
fill my mind

I cannot focus
on the mundane
wishing for extraordinary

Golden rays of sun
on white beached romance
Sparkling clarity of breath

Sailing into the world
known only by lovers
of dramatic comedies

Speaking without uttering a word
Mind meld of the purist kind
Speak soft and gentle now

 I awake
From an unattainable dream

Thursday, July 28, 2011

extra dose

It's been a few days since I've posted poetry, so here are three lovely tidbits to keep you entertained.

First one: Pretty evident what it's about. 

As I glance into the mirror
I change my stance on this
I change my thoughts on this
I scrutinize the imperfections on my
The tears well inside my eyes
My fears start to consume my
Why I am here and what am I
Pull at my hair notice it
These pants are fitting just a little
Too tight
And I want to be sitting here in the
To blank out this image of
Put my insecurities up on a
I want what everyone does
The taunting to stop, not your taunting
The voices in my mind telling my
You're no good, give up you'll always be
This world will never love you
Those people will always shove you
No love of yours will ever be
For how could anyone ever want you?


Second Poem: Gabe, Clint, etc.

Lead me not into temptation
Won't you please deliver me
My heart is a fragile mutation

Since the beginning of creation
there's existed what cannot be
Lead me not into temptation

It would do to mention
a blink times three
My heart is a fragile mutation

Lock these things away
to some secret faction
If I cross the line
I'll have to throw away the key
Lead me not into temptation

I'd rather face lifelong tormention
than feel like this when he's looking at me
My heart is a fragile mutation

Fuck it all in complete succession
I can't have both
Plain and true
Lead me not into temptation
My heart is a fragile mutation
 Third Poem: My own darkness

Do not stand in my shadow
Its depth may encompass
all you thought was true
and pure in life
Taking you to a land
you only see in nightmares
dream scenes or

Taking you into
scapes only seen in my mind
Eyes closed
visions arise
sweeping you away
bringing you close
close to me

No, do not stand in my shadow
the intimacy is far
too deep for my liking

Sunday, July 24, 2011

My Awesome Weekend

Thursday: I had previously scheduled this day off, because I wanted to have a week-long extravaganza with the husband to celebrate our one year anniversary and make up for not having a honey moon. But, since I got Joe to VTO me for Monday, I figured I'd probably go in. . . Yeah, that didn't happen. Instead we went to Roxy's for lunch, drove around (discovered that Johnathan's 'brand new' bike actually has 15k+ miles) and I dyed my hair an amazing copper color. It's one of those, why wasn't I born with this shades. Very much in love with it at the moment.

Friday: Planned to leave once John got off work at 2pm, and here he comes in at 8am raring to go. Not so happy as, you know, I'm me and don't wake up until 11am. Eventually he gets me out of bed, ready to go, stuff packed. He fell asleep during the packing process, and so we ended up leaving at about 2pm anyway. We drove through the lovely summer afternoon with the top down, wind whipping in our hair to Lincoln City, where we had planned to stay at the Edgecliff Motel. The rooms were surprisingly nice, and the view was breathtaking.

We plan on returning next year. The staff were all friendly, accommodating, and kind - even when we bugged them at 1am trying to find pizza. We met up with Josh and Melissa who were in town planning their wedding and taking care of related things. They decided they'd like to stay the night so once we all got checked in and set up we headed out to the Surfrider Resort to get some dinner. Johnathan had to have his seafood buffet, but it was a bit on the disappointing end. The fish was eh, it was all kind of random assortment. There were a few tasty items, a salmon pasta dish was quite good, but really the highlight was the view and the wine we ordered - I can't remember the kind. We then headed to the liquor store to get some goodies for the night. Josh and Melissa picked up a bottle of orange whipped vodka and orange schnapps of sorts for creamsicles, and John and I got a pomegranate liquor and a weird Asian vodka -- picked because of the pretty bottles - with some 7-up to mix. Somehow we convinces ourselves this didn't count as drinking soda. The beach was pretty cold by this point, and very windy, so we mixed our drinks in the Poland's room and played an all to informative never have I ever game. There were some very memorable quotes... =D After drinking for a while we decided pizza was required so bothered the front desk and found out the only place open was Safeway. After we got back, John and I decided it was a good break for some alone time and we headed back to our room.

Saturday: A crow woke me up at the crack of dawn with his incessant cawing. Annoying, but the sunrise was beautiful.

After catching a few more ZZZs, I threw on some clothes, roused the Tan from his slumber and got some breakfast from the office.... which consisted of some fruit, yogurt, bagels, and cereal. Pretty basic continental breakfast. The Poland's were up and ready to go, so they headed to the beach while we finished watching Little Miss Sunshine and got ready to go... and in Johnathan's case, napped. We met up on the beach and explored some tide-pools. All we really saw were some anemones before the tide started coming back in.

Then we headed to Galluci's for some non-exciting, overpriced pizza. Then we headed to the casino. This was my first time ever being to a casino, and I was hoping for some beginners luck. However, in a little over an hour, our set limit was gone... there we some times we were up too - but it was fun, so we kept going.... which I guess is the whole point. After the casino we parted ways with the Poland's and headed back to our room. We grabbed a few ZZZs before dinner and got all dolled up to go to the Blackfish Cafe.

Before we went to leave we went on to the balcony to catch some pictures and look at the sunset, and we hear this bagpipe music wafting from somewhere to our left. It was a really awesome way to start the night, and kind of neat to see an old guy bag-piping it up into the sunset.

The cafe... I really cannot say enough good things about this place! Our server was either an amazing person, or an awesome actor, and either way he was on point, knowledgeable, and seemed very warm. Our wine for the evening was splendid, the food was some of the best I've ever had. Johnathan had the rib-eye steak and I had the pork brisket. We both were amazed by the deliciousness hitting our senses. We wrapped up dinner to go to savor the flavor for the next day and to indulge in the highly acclaimed (as far as Yelp went anyway) homemade ding dong. Not ohmygoodness amazing, but it definitely did not disappoint. The only thing not amazing about the evening was the price-tag.

Sunday: We woke up to the first hint of fog/cloud our whole trip, grabbed some continental breakfast and headed out to meet up with Brittany/Corey at their apartment in Salem as it was kind of on the way home. We hung out for a bit, playing with animals until Corey got home and we headed to the Original Pancake house. It was pretty much a giant letdown after the hype Britt & Corey gave it, but... that's okay. After visiting a bit more we headed homeward. I5 decided to be a cocksucker from hell... and the day decided to be as hot. After driving an hour and a half, we stopped in Wilsonville for some Route44 Cherry Limeades from Sonic, and for some browsing and air-conditioning at Fry's. I get pretty affected by hot weather/the sun, and I was having a hard time of the trip. After wandering around Fry's for a bit, we decided it was cool enough / traffic had improved enough for us to give it another go. And... here we are.

All in all I think it was just what the doctor ordered. Johnathan and I got to know our friends a bit better, and discover that vacationing together or living together would probably be awesome. We got plenty of time to spend with one another, and I think that a spark was definitely rekindled, though I didn't know one was missing in the first place. We've got a lot of alcohol left over from the trip to carry us in memories, and I had the foresight to take a few snapshots as well. Thanks to all those that made this weekend happen. Now - back to being poor! True, we could have spent the money paying people back, or on a new microwave, or even for one of us to get our marriage tattoo... but, I think that it formed a wonderful memory, and could be the start of an awesome tradition.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

One Year

365 Days.
One Rx-7, Kia, and Dodge Stealth down. Not to mention a Rebel and Boulevard.
I've had short hair, brown hair, purple hair, red/pink striped hair, and copper hair.
Kidney stones, epic colds, fevers, busted knees and tummy aches.
Guns and glory, pinching pennies.
Drama tore us away from friends. Which have just re-entered our life.
We've binged and cut back, fought and made up, flown on top of the world, and been too scared to leave our cave.

Yet, it's all seemed like just the smallest blink of an eye. Just a whisper, and the days roll away.

Words cannot express my love for you, the dedication I have towards our marriage and the functionality of our relationship. The tides of fortune have washed over us, and withdrew. We can beat it, overcome it all, together.

I remain in love with you, as I did on our wedding day. You are still my soul mate, my best friend, my ally against the world, my moment outside of time. You are still my fondest memory, my fiercest desire, my strongest wish.

You are my Tan, my panda, my lover, my everything.

♥ 7 months ♥ 12 months ♥ 28 months ♥ Eternity to go

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Chipped polish
Shattered glass
Sickly sweet flavors
Life is
What it is
What it is not
Hello beautiful
Creature of my
Flesh born desire
Wandering mind
Solid rock
Crumbles to sand
Never again
Left without a word
Vanished with just
A hollow ghostly trail
To lead me back
To nowhere
Where I'm headed
If I could change this place
My hopes
My face
And all these things
I wish I was
But know I'll never be

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Inspiration drained
Tainted by caffeine
My own mind
Muddled with ash
Kissing sweetly
Searing useless flesh
Brings me to reality
Life is a muse
A gleeful child
But not as good
As a punch to the jaw
As hard packing sounds
Blood down the drain
Of my soul
Fuck capitalism
Bureaucratic fantasies
Follow the herd
Do what you're told
Or fight back
And know this simple fact
It's only when you've lost everything
That you're free to do anything

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I want to know
what He tells you
how He makes You
be the person that You are

I'd like to see
the side You keep hidden
the darkness
You tend to crave

I want to taste
the Addiction
the caffeine
the sweetly harsh THC

I'd like to feel
these things You claim are missing
what You dream
how You form these thoughts

I want to fully experience
what it's like to be
in this world
You say exists

Don't be afraid
to show me
don't be petrified
on my behalf

I'm inquisitive
and You've made me
adore You even more
than I have before

So if You have concern
over what I'll see
trust me babe
I can take it

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Poetry and Things

I just posted the last poem from January 2008 and earlier. Again, I plead you to share, to comment, to critique and review.

Reading back on my old work, remembering all the things I felt... it seems so alien to me now the choices I made. I was with Clint, but I had deeply strong feelings for both Gabe and Trevor. Maybe it was that they were both so close and so off limits, or that I was unhappy where I was. I'm not sure, but I do know that in those nights, writing and wishing - either one of them needed only knock on the door and say 'Come with me.' That would have been it, game over, done. Did they know this? Maybe, maybe not. I suppose now it doesn't matter, but it is something to reflect upon. The great 'loves' of my life. So many unrequieted dreams. So many accidental touches that made my heart skip and my stomach flip. And they were so unaware. Turned me down without turning me down. Crushed my entire being by being my friend alone. My fault for not being more open, more direct and yet... I'm sure if I had been I would have been turned away anyway.

The safety and security of what I had outweighed my real and true desires. So I wrote about it in poetry. I tried to tell them how I felt, but it didn't really get anywhere. Gabe knew, but... I don't know. Irrelevant. Still wondering why I stayed with Clint for so many years when my passions lay elsewhere.

So odd to me that I could feel that way. So beyond my normalcy of the now. My love for Johnathan reaches and envelops every fiber of my being. I cannot foresee ever wanting anything else, ever needing anyone else. He is my poetry. He still makes my heart skip a beat and my stomach do flips. The years have made me take him for granted in some cases I'm sure, we've lost that new glimmer. Still, there are moments when he completely takes my breath away.

No matter how angry he makes me with his alien perspective, or how we might disagree, our worst of fights last a day. Though in them I am so mad I could run away, I know I'd be right back with him as soon as I could be. He is the yin to my yang - and vice versa. There will be times where we will be off balance, but, as in nature, a homeostasis will reached. Where I am weak he is strong, where I excel he tends to lack behind - and then we share enough in common ground to make up for the quakes that follow, the rise and fall of the ripples in water as a stone is thrown in.


I am confident enough and have gained enough perspective to say that to all those who turned away - it is your loss. To all those who broke my heart, told me I wasn't good enough, it's your loss. I might not have been Asian or Christian, I might not have had the body type you craved or the wit. You might have fallen into gossip or lies. You may have followed the crowd instead of thinking for yourself. Whatever your reason you're not in my life.... you have no idea what you're missing.
Smell of cigarettes
Of pure tobacco pipe
Of cologne and finery

Hear the music wafting
In the air so sweet
As he sings
Devil may care

Saying goodbye
To someone who means
Means something that I cannot
Label, tag, define

The epitome of hopeless romantic
An artistic soul

As I pull away
I see nothing

The road
The lines
The lights
Just a blur
As tears fall and sobs commence

He is more
A symbol for what I wish I was
Or wish I had

I wipe the tears
The mascara lines
And make a face
Of happiness

For the one I’m with
Who is unsure of this
Who does not believe
In the unconditional

He can’t understand
I love someone else

So I fake it
For the sake of security
And commitment

Hopeless romanticism be damned

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dreaming of this life…

There should be a guitar
An avalanche of ideas
Some intellectual merit
Giving meaning to existence

At least meaning to ours

By and by we sit and think
Eternally falling and reborn

There instead lies…

Electric misfortune
Intellect never expressed
Life unfulfilled and greased
Got to have more than that
After so long of simply


Can’t there be deepness
Ethereal, poetic or otherwise
Something to get me through
Turmoil in my mind

Uneasy whirlwind heartbeats
Dreaming of another life
Another place
The other road in the wood

Not the one I took

I long to be somewhere far
And there’s no one to catch me
If I choose to fall

Ground into dust

There’s no one to support me
Myself, my ambitions
Empty notions of an empty mind

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Where were these things
When I was younger
These defense mechanisms
Seem to ripen with age

What used to be
Such empty clutter
Now there are props
To a rather grandiose stage

Velvet curtains hid my
True intentions skewed
The fancy lighting
Seems to brighten the beige
Of my creativity

Lost to open sea
Raped of all its uses
Now I’m empty
Devoid of thought
Wrapped in ancient gothic cloth

No one can see
How useless I’ve become
How scared and cast aside
My naivety has taken its toll
And I’m naked underneath it all

A scared little girl
Thrown out in the world
But given no means to survive

No wings do I have
To fly from this nest
So I must crawl instead

Thank god for illusions
I’ve cast mine well
Smoke and mirrors
Thick trimmings

Lighting and grandiose technology
It’s new to me

Where were these things
When I was younger
These falsities
Seem to ripen with age


I feel myself overcome with jealousy. Everywhere I turn, there it is staring me in the face. I know, I shouldn't feel this way, that I should be content with my life, but... there it is.

I am jealous of your new best friend. Despite your claims that I will always hold this spot, I know it isn't true. I am not your reason for driving North. I am not your default call, your first option when you want to hang out or go to the beach. It stings me like a sharp kick to the gut and boils forth in seething green rays from my mind. It hurts the most to know who has taken my place, someone less than a true friend. Someone who would easily turn her back on you at the first hint of someone else's lie. I know this, because this is what she did to me. Oh well....

I am jealous that he knows you now, that he knows your family. That while I haven't seen them in ages, he is able to recount their slightest nuances and knows their hopes and dreams. I am jealous that he gets to see you every day, and that I am the slightest scrap of leftovers once everything else has been taken care of.

I am jealous that you've made new friends. That you'd rather go out with them than me, and that it's not a big deal to be lost with them for hours, but if you're lost with me for a second you unleash your Mr. Hyde. I am jealous that I am becoming less and less important to you, even as you become more and more important to me. I am fearful that you will simply lose interest all together, and that as my idiosyncrasies are spread to the world, and all your faults are blamed on me, you will begin to believe in all that is negative, instead of all that is positive.

I am jealous of all the families I see around me, young ones in tote.
I am jealous of people able to live on their own, to buy their own homes, and cars and exist without this debilitating debt.
I am jealous of those with enough ambition and will to take the chances they need to, to further their life and career.

While I can work on some of these things... while I can try to learn, grow, and change what I can... I find it harder and harder to find that serenity in things I cannot change. I also am finding it harder and harder to find the courage in myself to change what I can, for most of the things I know should be within my control, feel as if they are not. So, I am envious of all that you have, all that you are. Your freedom from commitment, your late night adventures, your ability to put yourself out there in the world and take what you want.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Shaking under stress
Seems my trembling mind’s asleep
Waiting in anticipation
Of the big event
Seems it’ll never come

I am you
More importantly
You are me

This gun’s to both our heads

Never mind whose hand it’s in
The end result’s the same
Brain matter on a sea of glass

Finally out of my head
God forbid you ever come back
Even through blood
There’s clarity

My mind feels solidified
And I can see through the cataracts
To a place where I…

Explosions ravage the night
My alter-ego’s farewell show
And as I hold this lovely devil’s hand

I fall

Deeper, faster
Into the black abyss
That used to be my soul

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I want forever
Does it have to start now?

I want forgiveness
I want freedom
I want to be the one
For everyone

I want to climb a mountain
And fall into the clouds
Ride them in ecstasy
And never look down

I want to share my heart
And mind
Without consequence
Dive into whatever this is

And never look back

If it were only possible
To have everything you wanted
The best of both words
My seperality colliding in peace

The one I love
The one I…

No words to be spoken
Nothing to be said
These emotions too blended
In my head
For a meaning to arise
For a word to fit

I think he feels the same
The meanings keep repeating
The words are never still
And yet there’s no conclusion
And I doubt there ever will

We’ll keep this dance going
The music and the beat
Wrapped in all the things
We simply cannot be

Hidden in the words
That’ll never be uttered
Comforted by the fact
That there are no facts

No reasoning, no rhythm of life
Just the two of us, or three

If it were only two we’d know
The ending to this charade
But there’s no conclusion
And I doubt there ever will

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Say you believe
you believe in me
can’t you say you
Say you believe

Fuck society
and these unbelievers
I'm pissed to the point of givin’ up
it's just repeating time now

He took the only thing I loved
when he left this place
for a death sure to come
all for a simple girl
who couldn't make him fly
couldn’t make him fly
He never knew
Never knew the way I felt
and it’s too late now
All for a simple girl
who never
could never make him fly

Say you believe
you believe in me
can’t you say you
Say you believe

Fuck society
and these unbelievers
I'm pissed to the point of givin up
its just repeating time now

Sprinkle sprinkle pixie dust now
Take my love
And fly into the night
Find the place you've been wishin' for

Don't you know
she can never make you fly
and you'll get sick and whither
all for a simple girl
who can never make you fly
You could have stayed
and loved and laughed
and shared this Neverland with me
Instead you gave at all away
Gave it all away for a simple girl
who can never make you fly

Say you believe
you believe in me
can’t you say you
Say you believe

Fuck society
And these unbelievers
I'm pissed to the point of givin up
It's just repeating time now

Say you believe
You believe in me
Can't you say you
Say you believe

Say you believe
you believe in me
can’t you say you
Say you believe

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Side cast illusion
I almost gave up everything
Not that it would have mattered
You’re a legend, untouchable

The kind of person everyone loves
Or loves to hate

Are you even real?
Did the time I remember even exist?
Was there ever any chance?
Where would I be now?
Would I even be?

So many questions never to be answered
Smoke rings and gasoline
I’ll remember you forever

Do you even remember my name?
Or face?
Or the way I made you feel?
Did I even make you feel at all?

I doubt it.

Wrapped in rhythm and rhyme
You’re bullet proof,
A rock star.
Eternal and faulted.

Aren’t we all?

Another stepping stone,
Another shadowy enigma clouded by mystery,
Some sort of midnight matinee.
Never let anyone in,
Never let them see.
Hide the tears you once shed,
You’re stronger now.

First thoughts with actual meaning
Since ones so full of anger,
Of rage
Of raw, unfiltered passion

So full of me.

Where is that person now?

Trapped with your memories.
Caged in that moment.
Locked away.
Because I know
I want her back.

Monday, July 4, 2011

In another life I’d be there
Kissing the acrid THC
My frozen feet held tight
Caution to the wind
Guitar in hand

In another life I’d be there
Free to be me
Wild, expressive
Maybe I’d write
More than just trash

In another life
I wouldn’t think about consequence
I’d drink and fuck ‘til the sun came up
And then I’d do it again

In this other life
I’d have a lover who could be
Just that
And break these binding chains
Holding me back

In another life
I’d care what not a soul thought
Not even my own
I’d be impulsive


This other life
The best thing I ever did
An illusion
A dream

I’ll always know
It could have been reality

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Eyes burning
Into my soul
Searching, finding
Things I never knew were there

As he serenades
To a lover lost
I yearn for
A serenade for me

Girlish fantasies
Never realized
And even if
He never leaves

These things cannot be

Too many complications
Too much on the line
I feel something deeper
Then I should

None of this matters
My heart's already crushed
Mind made up
He disappears into the night
Lost in time

Space and energy
falling into
Depths unseen


All there is

Your heart

Perfect Rhythm
In sync motions
more than robots
less than angels

Thoughts unspoken
Buried underneath
Crushing pride

You can't see
you can't feel
what you should

Holding you
Soft caresses fall
on velvet eyes
wavering, solid

Incompletely complete

We know
This is how it's meant to be

Changing Things Up

I'm going to be editing poetry and transferring it over to this blog to condense the two. I'm not really sure why I felt the need to be so segregated in the first place. So I don't make you, my... 5 people that actually read this thing... crazy with a million posts, I'll keep it to one a day. I am looking into self publishing a book of works here shortly so please (please, please, please) read - critique - and share. Whether I end up making the book or not, I'd like to have a work that has value.

Thanks, and enjoy this lovely taste of summer I picked earlier today!