I think, for once I really got his attention. I mean, really made him understand just what I've been going through and dealing with the past couple years. The love and confusion, the desires unfulfilled, all of it. Something must have finally clicked that didn't before - because he's agreed to change, or at least to try to. While I'm sure there are plenty of pessimists that would say that those words don't mean a lot ... when it takes you almost two years to hear them, I tend to disagree. So, I am hopeful. Will the words alone restore my faith and balance? Definitely not. But they are a start in the right direction.
Will the words bring back the feeling into my soul? Well, they haven't yet - but I am optimistic on this count. I can feel a bubble where there was an empty force... a bubble of hope. No, this doesn't solve anything right away... it doesn't put money in our pockets or clothes on our bodies or a roof over our heads. It doesn't make us have a strong relationship, or me have a fulfilled heart and soul. But it could if actions follow words. I am proud of him for apologizing, for admitting, for agreeing to work on our relationship. For once not throwing out idle words and ignoring the situation - but for listening, for contemplating, for trying. For saying that he will fight for us. And really, what more could I want?
We all have our dreams, and most of them get shattered by realizations of truth. For some reason his has held on, and I am determined to one day make it a reality. I think that for him and this path he thought he needed to follow to get to his dream, poverty became a game - dissonance a song. Coping or reasoning away, or just childish optimism - I'm not sure. I am pretty sure though that he got my message. Poverty is misery, dissonance is torture. This path he was leading was killing me slowly and making me hate every moment.
So, my dearest. Let's grow up and grow together. Let's turn those words into action, that action into love, that love into a life. That life - into a little cafe.
I do not ever want my children to live as we have lived. To have to come up with so much to do with a box of macaroni. I do not want them to have to worry about paying rent, or medical bills, or schooling, or clothes to wear. I do not want them to think about leaving all they love behind for the search of the almighty dollar. It is for this - for them, that I seek out progression. For us, for now, for the future. It is for your dream, for my dream. For all that is and all that will be. I hope that you see it, but know that you do not. However, I will take blind acceptance and internal disagreement if I must. I must do what is right for us, and I hope that you will too. While we may disagree with what exactly that is... I can tell you that your path to happiness will leave you alone - and in your loneliness and loss of love, how happy can you truly be? If all you've said about me is true, how happy will you be with me gone from your life? That would be the inevitability of it - me living with someone with no thought to my now and head only concerned with the future. Life is now, this moment. This present is all we have.
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
I pray that God will grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. My dreams, my beliefs, my will. What I need out of life, out of you. I pray that God will grant you the courage and insight to change the things you can. Your life, your career, your attitude. I pray most of all that God grants you wisdom. To know what you can change, and what you cannot. To lead you down the best path for us and away from the end of the road you've been pushing so hard for. To make smart decisions with your life and love, to make you a better husband, a better man.
I love with all my being, I love who you are and I would never hope to change that. That is why I ask these things of you. If I wanted you to change it would be a lot harsher, and you wouldn't be asked to reach for better things, but to cut back on your habits. I'd never ask you to give your passions. I know that they are how you define yourself, and they have brought a lot of fabulous people into our lives. It is how you learn, you grow. So expand in your habits. Tinker with turbos, hypothesis with handguns, muse over MMOs. But support yourself while doing so. Support me while doing so. I love your ingenuity, your spontaneity... but there is simply no place for it in our current condition. I am too down trodden all of the time to appreciate your wonderful attributes any more. I am to weary of life to see your charms. I am too discouraged to know your beauty. Bring me back to life? Renew that spark, let me be comfortable in our lives and relationship so that I may be happy - so that I may rejoice in your company. So we can surround ourselves with love and not care about things so trivial.
You've given this to everyone else, why am I denied it? You say you've moved opposite of how you should have through life, but I wonder how this is my fault? Why should I be punished for the direction your life took before we were one? I don't see the point. I only want you now, in this moment, to be the best you can be. I want to be the best I can be for you. Really, that is what it all boils down to.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
As I think I should write a new blog, I realize that my ponderings are still the same. I am still ready for life to begin. Yet, each day we get farther and farther from all the things I am ready for and longing for. Deeper into debt to hospitals, less and less security and stability, more chaos, more mess, less cohesion and routine and order. So, now I am here and wondering where I could be. Finding solace momentarily in a song, and then plummeting into this absolute pit of nothingness. There just doesn't seem to be a way out, and no one... no one but me really seems to care.