Friday, April 29, 2011

The quest for a better me

I've never been one to buy into the theory that a size 4 is ideal. I'd have to remove a leg to fit into that. I'm a fan of my curves, and so is my husband. I'm actually okay that I'm a size 12, and really would never want to be less than a size 8 or so. I'm within the correct weight for my gigantic height, and within all measures of size, I'm doing okay.

But I'm not happy with the way I look.

I never have been, though usually in the past it was based on my smile and my bones protruding everywhere. Well, the braces have come off and the metabolism has slowed down. The birth control I'm on has had me upped in the pounds and my face looks like I'm going through puberty. I'm on a quest to fix it, hormones be damned.

I bought some new face wash, and an at-home peel set. Things are starting to look less like I'm 15, so that's a good start. At the very least I've got a smooth canvas with which to douse in makeup to hide the nonsense.

Today I'm starting to delve into really examining my diet, and upping the water intake. I've only been drinking 2-3 glasses of water a day. So far today, I'm at 6 and on track to hit the 8 goal. This peeing all the damn time thing is kind of annoying, but - it's okay if I can get some pep in my step again.

I need to get fit, balanced, and healthy. That's my goal. Not necessarily to lose weight, but just to become more well rounded...or less rounded, I suppose. If things go well we'll be stopping the birth control in the next few months (fingers crossed, keep us in your prayers) and I want to be in the best shape I can be before we start that journey.

So, here we are today: 22.4 lbs away from my goal weight, 14% away from my ideal fat%. I need to be held accountable, words of support, and helpful motivational tips. I've started down this path so many times, and I've failed so many times. I hope that starting a family will be enough motivation, but the truth is that if John doesn't get promoted it's not going to be happening any time soon...which there goes the real motivation.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

what's been up for the past month

Here we are again, the anniversary post. The only thing lately I've been posting at all. The dream posts kind of died out before they really got started, my sleeping schedule is wonky now so I'm trying to get every minute I can - which usually results with me falling back asleep as soon as possible without recording anything. And, by the time I'm actually up for good, there isn't much of a good recollection left worth anything.

Life is good these days, though still busy and less than perfect monetarily. Johnathan received a pretty big acknowledgment at work, which resulted in quite a bit of money in Amazon gift certificates. After buying an outfit, a microwave for the folks, a vacuum cleaner, and some facial products - it's just about gone. Johnathan of course had to buy a motorcycle riding outfit which was a pretty significant chunk of that. I managed to use some of that to buy a pretty awesome mother's day gift, I won't say what it is here just in case the mother decides to read - but, I think it rocks. I hope she'll agree. I'll hopefully be able to get a couple more outfits, a hair dryer, and some loaf pans out of the remaining balance.

Speaking of loaf pans... I'm pretty excited that I received an Amish bread starter today from a coworker. In 10 days I should have some pretty tasty bread - and three starters to give away - let me know if you want one! If I keep it going, I should have delicious bread every 10 days, and three more starters to give away (unless I go crazy and bake a bunch of loafs). If Johnathan likes the bread I'll try to keep it going for, forever I guess.

Johnathan thinks he needs a motorcycle... he bought the outfit as I mentioned above (boy those specialty items are EXPENSIVE) and has worked out a deal with a friend to buy a bike. The only thing is that we can't afford it, and it makes me super nervous to have him riding one. 22 is much to young to be a widow. Maybe I'll get used to it, and even ride with him... but I doubt it. They kind of scare me... a lot.

With the Nintendo, guns, musical instruments, car stuff, etc. etc. piling up around us - you think the boy would take a break and be content with his life for just a moment. He's got this drive to learn, experience, and do just about everything. And none of it is free... which sucks for our wallets, but I guess is good for his mind. Which brings me to his anniversary present, but... I just can't decide what he'd like more... I think I've got it narrowed down to one though.

We need to clean out all of the stuff we have amassed throughout the past few years. We've got closets of stuff, clothes we've outgrown, things that haven't been used in at least a year. Have space for a garage sale, maybe you're in the same boat? Let me know!

I can't believe in three short months we will have been married a year. It does not seem all that long ago we were standing on the beach. We still haven't gone through our wedding photos yet! I desperately want to get some printed out - and hung on the wall. We've got my bouquet, and a bell, and his message in a bottle, that are all waiting for a place to be displayed and look awesome. A shrine of our love... but, something less creepy than the word 'shrine'.

Johnathan is really looking forward to getting a house with some friends in October. However, they've all got animals. And while I'm okay with another cat, or a bunny - I am very apprehensive about two full grown dogs. Very. As in, it's not going to happen unless their owner keeps them outside. I'm not against puppies, I love them... it's just that my cats are skiddish as is around new people, and they don't seem to get along well with other cats (although I know that changes after exposure), I couldn't even imagine them being okay with two giant, slobbering, clamoring beasts. I guess I'll let them have a meet and greet before I absolutely shut it down, but I can't see it going well. I am all for us getting a puppy when we get a house, something small and child-like that the cats will be able to grow into a bit before it becomes a giant thing. And, while it would be okay to have that many roommates as long as the house was big, I'd much rather try and find something John and I can afford just me and him and that will support a young one...

Johnathan talked things over with some management and I *think* he finally made the impression that he's tired of being stepped on and under appreciated for all the work he does and the awesome stats he has. It looks like that might lead to him getting a promotion pretty soon. Fingers crossed! We could use the little bit of extra cash flow, and he deserves the credit. Though, really, a manager position would be more suited to him, or something in HR, but... this is Stream we're talking about here. A management position would give us enough of a boost to start to pay off debt and save up money quickly...and if we played our cards right, would be enough for me to drop down to part time. (Here's hoping!)

I'm focusing so much on planning out everything we need to start this whole life thing going. Everything that I want to do, every milestone that should be accomplished. I can't help but feel like nothing is going to go anywhere for the next four years... and it makes me pretty sad. I think back on my life, where I hoped to be by now, and I'm so far behind. I'm glad that I didn't make these huge life decisions earlier, but I did have a partner who wanted them and was in a place where it was feasible. Now, there's no way I can even fathom having any money in the bank on pay day, let alone save up enough to furnish a house or put a down payment on one.

Tis life, I know... and I am so much in love, which helps. It still makes me feel like I need to do something to change it. To shake things up, to make things happen. I want to move forward instead of sitting on this stationary bike day after day, month after month, year after year. I know that good things come to those that wait, but I've waited. For what feels like so very, very long... In due time, in due time. Waiting for that breakthrough, that ah-ha moment, where something clicks in his mind and we're all of the sudden shifted from boy to man. From Pokemon to portfolios, apartment to house, sports cars to sedans, spending into saving, danger to diapers.

I am blessed to have Johnathan in my life. I look it him sometimes and am amazed by how much I love him, how much more we have to live in this life. Our life, and our dreams supersede my own. So, for now... we will continue on this circular loop, this roundabout of stagnation. Loving, living, and laughing when we can. There are plenty of exits, but it appears it's going to take more than idle conversations for that blinker to be turned on, and even more to adjust the wheel.

I'm ready when you are my love.

♥ 4 months ♥ 9 months ♥ 25 months ♥