Monday, July 27, 2009

it's 103.

It is way too hot. I wasn't meant for this 103 degree shit, I'm Irish for fucks sake.

That is all.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

it's been over 4 months

So I've been prone to post monthly on the anniversary of John and I officially being a couple. It's a few days past that point, but... we'll call this the four month posting anyway.

So, yes, John's been with a lot more people than he told me originally. A lot. And for all he or I knows there's more that have been blocked out. I guess while it does upset me, John's changed a lot from the kid he once was. I can only hope that he will continue to grow, change, and become more and more human as the days progress into months and years. For now, I am dealing with the issues as they happen.

There are only two things at the moment that have any dampering affect on our relationship. One is that his ex, who has sworn herself away from our lives numerous times doesn't know how to actually stay away. If she wasn't in love with him, it wouldn't be such a deal. Two... is a bit more on the personal side of things, but it has to do with a lack of intimacy that I feel is good to have in a relationship. However, it is not a lacking bit for the most part and he did say he is willing to try if I have to have it. However, I feel that this is something we can get over.

All in all, there have been ups, downs, and complete reversals in our relationship. I have felt betrayed, broken, and misled. I also have felt loved, cherished, and blessed to have him in my life. I truly think that he is the person that God sent my way. If nothing else, each day with him is a learning experience, or at least a test of my patience. I feel like through the relationship we are having I am understanding my downfalls, and that of humanity's ... but more so our strengths. Our multitudes of expressions and scope of feeling and reasoning that no alien I've ever met can adequately match or display.

I am thankful that God has decided to give me John, and that we continue to thrive in each other's love and company. I was concerned when we got laid off that we'd be at each other's throats by now. We aren't for the most part, and that is a good sign I think.

There's your monthly update, wish us luck as we continue to discover what this love thing is all about.

Monday, July 20, 2009

definitions and being with an alien

When you ask someone how many people they've had sex with, it generally takes them less than a second to respond if they've been with a few...maybe a couple seconds if they have to tally the names or locations or faces on their fingers. They usually don't respond with "I don't know" unless they're not super concerned with their partners and weren't aware of the name/location/face they were engaging in intercourse with. This question can be posed a variety of different ways, all of which - to an intelligent or at least societally informed individual - mean the same thing. How many people have you slept with? Had sex with? Engaged in vaginal intercourse with? How many people have you done the things in this article to? Have played with your penis/Penises have you played with? To most people, each of these questions would have the same answer, except for the last one, because I can play with a penis without it entering vagoo land. However, for me each one of the answers is two. I do believe that you can tell a bit about someone by the number that they give and their age. Given that the average American loses their virginity at 16, and other factors you can generally tell if they've been in a lot of long term relationships, if they hold sex as something other than just raw physical interaction, etc. etc.

You as a man, have a penis either inserted into a vagina, or you have a vagina placed around the penis... Someway or another your penis is in someone else. It can be a anus also, if you like it like that, or are having sex with a man...but I don't think that's super relevant. As a female you have a penis inserted into you, or you insert the penis, or...sit on it..or I don't know but there's a penis in you. I'm not sure what the definition of sex is in lesbian relationships, but again, not relevant. That is not a hard concept...For the sake of sanity, and such, we're definitely going to say that any molestation, rape, etc. does definitely and very much so NOT count in any way although by literal definition, it does. However, willingness is a part of it as much as anything else.

As such, I've gotten multiple answers for each of these questions when asking someone, and this leaves me confused. Perhaps now we've boiled it down and I have truth. It doesn't matter the number to me. In a way, yes, like I said you can sometimes tell about a person based on the number. However, there are people that have high numbers I wouldn't consider sluts and people with low numbers that aren't in long relationships all the time. It doesn't really make a difference. It's good to know for health purposes. I mean, if you sleep with someone who's slept with 10 people, you've slept with not only those 10 people but anyone and everyone that those 10 people slept with prior to and during their interactions with the person that you've slept with.... there are people who make charts and sort of things, but I think that would hurt my head to much to count. All I know is that there are people within my particular chart I'd rather not see there, and that's with the nonclear answer.

I just want truth. Straight up honesty. If you think you can't not tell your exgirlfriend you love her because that's a lie how can you not tell me how many people you've had sex with? How can you think it's okay to lie to someone and tell them the internet dropped or all the other lies you tell daily -- but it's not okay to lie when it's not even a lie.

Now that he's plastered what he believes to be the truth on the internet for all to see... I think I have an answer. However, based on all that is included, not sure if it's to the question I asked.

I thought that being with an alien would be fun and refreshing. I don't agree with a lot of norms and thought processes put down by society myself. I ponder, I reflect, I change and adapt and mold and squeeze and bend more than my brain can come to terms with sometimes. So I thought that someone completely different and removed would be better for me, more relatable in our differences than was society and mine. I think, if nothing else, I've learned that I am very very much so human. I am on plain and level with all these people I didn't think I was. I know that I have no more in common with aliens than I do with... I don't know... Hunchback Whales or something. I am intuitive, I can sometimes read people. I do not, and cannot understand the complex workings of an alien's mind, however, and I don't know if there's any point in trying anymore. With his Human English translator completely busted, and a translator for Human to Alien conversions not yet invented -- where to we stand? Can we stand? If I want an answer and cannot get one because the question isn't understood - and on such this most basic level of questioning -- how can anything we perceive to be, be? What is love, hate, discontent, passion, apathy, jealously like to an alien? Can they even feel such emotion? Do they even feel at all? Or is it just another high tech device they use to interpret humans and try to experiment with on their own to try and relate?

Friday, July 17, 2009

it's all matters of perception

I think that John and I may be finally over this ever persistent issue. Yes, I do believe that he is wrong in his logic and reasoning in the matter. However, because in his mind he did not choose something over me, then he didn't. Which is what was really bothering me more than anything else anyway. Yes, I was right. Yes, Emily was and seeming is still in love with him. She's also across the country and doing her best to get on with her own affairs. I don't think that she knows how John and I actually came together, or that there was no infidelity. He didn't even kiss me until the day she was supposed to be going back to Virginia, and we had planned our first date for afterwards. However, she didn't end up leaving for Virginia until we were officially a couple...but that's not really the faults of either of us.

I don't know why it concerns me so much anyway, how she feels or what she perceives. I can only think that the Clint situation made it as such. In a way, although not as horribly, she is me and I am Jaime and John is Clint. Although, I promoted their relationship, and tried to keep John and Emily together. And, John and I didn't have sex until a couple weeks after we had returned from our trip to California...which began after Emily was already back in Virginia. Regardless, the emotional-ness was there, and that's what's most important anyway - especially for her I would imagine as she cheated on John with multiple people on numerous occasions. Anyway...

We came down to the conclusion that John does not perceive the world as the vast and wide majority of people do, and that if I am to be with him I will have to realize that. He also gave some insight to my prior explanation of him not being happy in the relationship and lacking in that once held spark. He stated it as "I'm not going to give you fireworks if you're just going to blow yourself up." He was worried about the continuing fighting as I was, but rather than put more into the relationship because of it he was becoming withdrawn and assuming that I wanted things to end.

There's a real communication issue between John and I, and it's not that we don't communicate. We actually both are fairly open with each other (in matters of the relationship we are in at least) and so by normalcy there shouldn't be any problems. However, we both seem to speak completely separate languages, or at least two opposing dialects. His perception of what truth, love, and humanity are are completely different from anything I've ever heard of. Which leads me to utter confusion. If the great thinkers of history (Plato, Aristotle, etc.) and modern thinkers, and anyone I've ever met or read or heard of all think one way, how am I supposed to come to terms with someone who thinks entirely different? I don't know exactly, but I am working on it. In most matters this difference is refreshing and thought provoking, however, in matters of what he perceives a lie to be - not telling someone you love them if you do, and what love is -- the act of not telling them would require a complete emotional shutdown... well, this leaves me perplexed. I understand it in the most simple terms. If someone says they love you, and you reply I don't you..that's a lie if you love them. However, if someone says they love you, and you reply with... nothing, or continue the conversation, or thank you, or aaww you're sweet or something I don't see that as a lie.

Regardless, I think we realized that we are each totally and one hundred percent right with the contexts we are able to understand and that we live our lives in. So, there isn't really an issue anymore. That being said, it would make my life much easier if he never told her he loved her again, or if he decided that she's not worth any trouble and just didn't contact her at all. I think that if I were to ever hear him say he loved her, or see it in writing to her... I would have a major internalized struggle. For, I do realize his perception and how he understands the situation, but that does not mean that I at all agree. In contexts I can understand, he is completely mistaken on the matter and it should never have been an issue. Oh well. We will either realize the differing perspectives and be okay with that as we are now, or (the better of the two) come to a compromise of perspectives naturally as we grow together.

In other news... OnPoint put an insurance policy on the Mazda themselves, so if they can take a look at the car then they'll possibly cover all of the loan minus 500 deductible. Also, if Clint and a notary sign something saying he was responsible for insurance and operating costs of the vehicle then my license won't be suspended. Hurray, right? Well, generally you would think so. However, Clint is being less than helpful so... I don't know. My next step is to contact an authoritative figure in his life and see what happens I suppose...

Monday, July 13, 2009

internalized problems

I kind of explained my feeling, or lack there of to John who said that's how he felt – he knew he loved Emily, but didn't feel it and then he slept with someone else (no, not me...). I don't know if he's actually worried about that... it wouldn't make sense for him to be. Even if I were the type to cheat, we're together all the time as neither one of us have jobs.

I realized that as I try to be a confident and self reliant individual I am failing in these aspects. I have become reliant on the government to pay for everything I could hope to have. Food stamps and unemployment don't exactly scream independence. I've mailed off my college application and eagerly await a reply of acceptance, maybe then I can take out loans and get more money from the government to help me out. Le sigh. Eventually I'll be done with schooling and have a real career and be able to pay back to the world. However, I'm not so sure about the confidence issue. One, I haven't been able to find employment. I should be able to get an office job easily, I would imagine. It doesn't take much – and I have the experience needed. Or, rather, I thought that it would be easy, didn't take much, and that I had the necessary experience/skills. So I'm failing in the work realm. In the home realm, things aren't much better, but this is due mostly, I think, to lack of motivation. The apartment is messy and disorganized. I did make the room functional and relatively clean yesterday evening, which greatly helped my overall view of the possibility of perfection. I am worried about the quality of relationship that John and I have as well. I do not feel like I am providing him with all that he desires or needs out of a relationship. He will say that all he wants is me, that I am perfect for him in this time. Although, that quantifier that he puts on it does make me uneasy. “in this time.” I mean, well... I'm not perfect so therefore must not be perfect for him for all time, right? I am sure that he does love me, but... I don't know. A lot of things compound together to give me this feeling. I'm not sure exactly what those things are.. moments that just seem off key, his lack of enthusiasm for me in general and especially, uh, romantically. Then we have the ever persistent Emily issue which will never go away, because he still believes that he was right in his judgment and actions. His number is probably getting changed on his phone, and he did say that it would be okay because then she wouldn't be able to get a hold of him even if she did try. Not really sure how I was supposed to respond to that, but I was conflicted. He still will say he is right, then why not have her contact him?

Employment, home, relationship, and self are my confidence short falls of late. I myself feel... I don't know, if I had to sum it all up into one word I'd say gross. I'm emotionally dead and mentally drained which probably does not help the situation any. I look at every aspect physically and am repelled. I feel completely inadequate in every trait in regards to my physical appearance. I'm not sure if it is this appearance or my perception of such which has changed because there for a while I was feeling alright about myself. Now, however.... not so much. I have nothing but criticism for any of my physical attributes these days. It's not all the time I am conscious of this, but just...when I see myself? Look down at my legs and feet, and just everything. Ugh.

Well, that's about all I've got in me for the moment. Life's drama isn't really comparing to my internalized problems, which I'm sure are all for naught.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Cycles and things

Wow, so I need to fix my sleep schedule for sure. Went to bed at... some time around 7pm and now I am up, seemingly for the 'day' which isn't really that long if it ends at 7 again. I went to Clint's house day before yesterday as I was close by and needing answers. He knew that he wasn't insured, no surprise there, and his license has already been suspended. Which is kind of even more confusing as to why they are going to suspend mine, but I don't think there's anything we can do about that. I told him what he needed to do to make sure that it didn't happen, and now I'm just giving him a few days to do so before broaching the subject again.

Everything has been slipping by with little to no division of time and space. Days roll into one another. With nothing to do, there's no definition. Night and Day are relative terms and I have no need for either. I count down the days until Chop Chop night (18 now), because it's the only regularity in my life. I need to make a schedule that I can stick to. Maybe do some working out with regularity and get in shape – I have nothing better to do. I've been sleeping more and more hours per day, drifting off out of boredom or pure exhaustion. I'm pretty sure that depression is in full force again.

I feel constantly tired, weak, and apathetic. I cannot feel anything, except, I found out, anger. With this hole in my body sucking the world into it without caring, without giving anything back – it's kind of scary. It's not like this is the first time I've felt this way, and I know that with time it will more than likely come to pass. It is very hard to go through day to day though. Every face I display I feel is riddled with holes, gaps that anyone can see through. I asked John to read my writings so that maybe he can understand, but he hasn't yet.

These things are hard to quantify and label as is, but orally, things are much worse. I am confined to happy, sad, good, bad; and there doesn't seem to be any room for gray areas, especially with John. He is either on or off, angry or calm, sweet or bitter. There isn't really any room for negotiation with someone who views the world this way. He once told me, love is love it's either there or it's not. He simply can't understand the way that I feel, then. He doesn't comprehend that I've loved people romantically before, but that the love I feel for him is deeper and more complete. For him, every love is just that... You know, I don't even know if I buy that explanation from him... Maybe it's just him not wanting to hurt me because I'm not the person he's felt the strongest about. I don't know.

That seems to be the theme of late. What do you want to do with your life? I don't know. What are you good at? I don't know. What does tomorrow hold, or better yet, today? I. Don't. Know.

I know that I am going to continue my education if I can. I know that I want to be a wife and a mother above anything else. I know that in order to make those dreams a reality I will need to forge a real career and that requires degrees. I know that an Associates Degree doesn't mean anything in this day and age, and that a Bachelor's barely means anything anymore either. Graduate programs, Masters, Doctorates – these are what set you apart from the every other slipping, sweaty mortal pulsating through existence.

With what I do know and what I don't seeming contradictory and confusing, well... here I am. I will probably get fucked over by Clint. I will probably fail at getting retribution. I will probably ruin my relationships with the people that I care about. I will probably fail at life just like so many millions working dead end jobs here and there to pay the rent. Sadly, this failure simply means conforming. I've failed to do so this far. I should already have a kid, be addicted to some substance or another and living in utter squalor. Those are the statistics, right? Child of abuse and teenage mothering actually succeeding to do something other than follow in her mother's footsteps? It's damn near unheard of, even with just the teenage mother and an otherwise middle class upbringing full of love and such.

Perhaps the cycle can be broken. The cycle of mental illness, abuse, neglect, unplanned pregnancies, and hate which riddle my family and America at large. Perhaps. At the moment things are looking down, so pessimistic views are nearly all I can see. I suppose, that things might all work out. Things might turn around, I might get a leg up. I've got a roof over my head, food to eat, and someone that loves me. It can't be too bad. I just wish that I could... truly feel.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I'm fucked

My sleep schedule was totally fixed until I got bored and laid down with John. Boo! Oh well, not like there's anything needing me to have normalcy anyway.

Merrick is, like, damn near without a doubt male. Which leaves me kind of confused as to what to do. She'll always be a she. Well, those balls are getting chopped off eventually, so it'll be close enough. Do male cats have a kind of heat though, because she was obsessed with the licking and I just assumed she was cleaning up after the blood stuff from heat.

Clint is possibly the official worst ex of all time. The car we bought together for him was totaled. Not too terribly big of a deal normally. However, Clint didn't pay his insurance so was not covered. So, because of this and the fact that I am the primary on the car my license will be suspended as of July 24th. In addition to this, the insurance isn't going to be paying off the car loan, and it doesn't appear that Clint is either. I received something in the mail saying that there was a back due amount of 450 something and that they were reporting to the credit agencies. So, I'll have a suspended license, bad credit, and an $18,000+ debt which there is no way I can pay. To top it off I had to cover the last month I had my name on the electric policy for Clint because he neglected to do so, that's another $80, and I left the Internet on in his apartment in my name and he hasn't paid me for that yet which is another $105 in total. So basically the dick owes me $18,185 and then some. I have no idea how to proceed as he is neglecting to return or answer any of my contact attempts. Looks like I'm going to have to take him to court. Oh, joy. I'm not really sure how to proceed with this matter and am not sure that I would win in court because my name is the primary.

Apparently Emily sent John a super angry e-mail saying she hated him and never wanted to talk to him again a while ago. I am confused as to why John didn't tell me until now, I am also ridiculously curious as to what she said, but even more so as to what his reply was. Knowing John, it was something gentle, kind, and comforting and she'll forget all the anger that she didn't really have any reason to be in the first place. However, if this time she's really finally gone from the picture then we can maybe move on. Although, again, these decisions being hers are not boding well for my opinion of John himself, which in turn negatively affects the relationship. I'm not going to ask to see it, as that would be overstepping the line I assume.

So I'm broke because I have no job, but things were starting to look up because John is going to start getting UI and we got food stamps and such. However, things can't be good apparently so now Clint has to take a shit on any happiness and joy I may have been able to achieve.

In short, Fuck My Life. Anyone know an awesome lawyer who wants to do a little pro bono work?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Things unsayable

How do you explain depression to someone? It's kind of like trying to explain the color blue to I pretty much don't try. It's hard though, at times. When someone asks you what you're thinking and the answer is nothing because your insides are dead. You get asked what's wrong, and the answer is -- in the way they meant the question, nothing. A chemical imbalance within the neurons of your brain. A misfiring missile. True, there are times when I feel it less than others, but it will always be there. Sure, I could go back on Prozac or some other drug system ... but to me, the benefit is not worth the risk. I'd rather be in touch with every fiber of my emotional frame. Besides, it is often depression which fuels great works for me. I am able to tap into the core essence of creative functionality. I had a problem while on antidepressants that I wasn't able to write. I was on like the lowest dose possible b/c the main purpose wasn't depression, and still it zapped me. Not worth it. In this world there are seldom things I truly can enjoy, or be proud of. My ramblings just so happen to one of those things, whatever they may appear to be to you. So I am restless, so I can't sleep except when exhausted. So I'm apathetic to life, and stare into the distance with a blank or somber look on my face. So I'm on a downward spiral emotionally, and probably will break soon. So what?

I need to write

I cannot sleep and therefore I must write, I suppose. It happens, on occasion, where all I can do is write. I know not why, or how or when it will happen. Just that, inevitably, I will have a need and who ever is in my wake will be bid to read what wondrous or mundane work I have created. Is it out of boredom alone? I don't think so, I think it is... out of necessity. I am what I am and all that I am is me. Perplex simplicities wrapped in what warmth and shelter I can take from this world. Sometimes it is much, and I am grateful. Other times, it is less than would be desired and I feel abandoned and alone. There is no switch of emotion. There is no only on or off. There are varying degrees of everything from anger to love. I love nearly everyone alive, I suppose. However, there are some I love only because they are alive and there is a soul and meaning behind their eyes; others I love because they have qualities and traits which I admire. There are those who have admirable qualities and a common ground with myself, and I love those as acquaintances and perhaps friends if enough of the right mixture is there. There are those which are simply a part of me, have been and will be and they are family, although no blood relation is necessary at all. There is love which is deep and coursing just like blood in my veins, and consuming and undeniable – like the love of family, but with a necessity and craving aspect. Within each of these categories there are varying levels. There is no on or off. You may never hear me tell you that I love you, but I do. You may beg with me and plead with me that you love me, and though I feel the same way you'll never hear me utter the words. I believe with all that I am, that you shouldn't tell someone you love them to hear a response. If you love someone and wish to let it be known, you shouldn't feel downhearted if they do not repeat the words to you. If you would feel this way – then let you never utter those words of feeling aloud. I also believe that “I love you” is said far too much. We've raped the meaning from it. It means the same as 'I like you' or, 'I think you're an awesome person.' I am just as guilty of this as the next. With all of this knowledge I hold to be nothing but the truth, it will continually befuddle and confuse me as why telling someone you love them is such an enormous deal. Why you would be willing to rid yourself of someone you love in what you claim is the deepest sense to tell someone you love as a friend – acquaintance these days – that you love them. To me, it means much more to simply be alive, to care as you will. I would not need you to tell me you love me to know that you do. Actions will always, always speak louder than words could ever hope to. It is what you do, how you treat someone that let's them know how you feel about them, not the words you speak – type – send. It is sad to me that we have come to rely on words when so very much of what we experience can not be understood with any language that I have ever encountered. I say this as someone who is more tied to words than most. I will always be a writer. Even when what I wrote was fairly pointless, silly, and without talent I considered myself as such. I feel that without writing I would surely go insane. Yet even I can admit that we place too much merit on what is said with letters smashed together in semblance of intelligent thought. As I sit here, in darkness of night and somber thoughts I wish that there was a way to download how I feel into a disk uploadable to your mind. Maybe then you would realize that by not responding you are not lying. You are choosing to love me like you say you do. I didn't start writing this to go there. I didn't even mean to, it just kind of happened as my consciousness spilled forth from my fingertips. I still feel like I am right, he is wrong, and there is nothing I can do. My dreams are consumed of him choosing her over and again. On our wedding day, random events, it doesn't matter. He always goes to her, even if he tries to come back to me later on, it doesn't do any good. He's made his choice. I guess that's it, isn't it? He did, and my subconscious doesn't want to let me forget it....

Thoughts of late.

We all, each of us, lack something. I'm not sure what it is for each person, but I can pretty much guarantee that it is there without a doubt. Me? I lack a lot of things. I lack optimism, I lack a true understanding of faith. I lack the ability to let myself be happy completely and without reservation. Each day rolls by and I want nothing more than to let it pass. Wash over me without so much as a second thought or whim to change it.

I strive to perfect these emotions, contain them in amber bottles with clearly defined black and white labels. Put them up on a shelf where they can be seen by all – perfect. Perfect love, perfect hate, the epitome of rage, jealousy, lust, frustration, joy. Each color coded sticker matching the key hanging from the rafter above. Yet, I fear there are no such things as perfect emotions. Wrapped up in all that we wish to be, do we miss who we really are? There's a quote by John Lennon which says, life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Is this true of everything we see and do and taste and smell? A world in front of a world masked my our own smoke and mirror contraptions we put in place to keep us safe from really experiencing life. We have these moments, that feel real. I know that in these moments there is a sense of clarity, but they often are the most surreal.

Sitting in a living room, a guitar playing. The smell of weed and beer fills the air. The back door is open to the night. The clear air wafts in and strokes my skin. These are the moments I miss. This is when I felt alive. The three of us, talking into the wee hours of the morning about everything we had and wanted and dreamed and felt. I had to lie and say I had fallen asleep watching a movie. Truth is I was living, clear.

A trip to the beach with mostly all strangers. The sun, the sand. Two guitars, a fire. Someone taking pictures of everything and anything. Free style rap and cuddling with puppies in the sand. Feeling like you're in a movie – because life simply isn't that great. Things like this don't really happen.

A cold winter night. A dare of sorts. The rush of adrenaline as my heart fights to stay beating. The warm, stuffy air of a sauna. Confessions of an earnest heart. I will remember always this night where I did something I would never do. I stepped outside of myself and simply lived. I threw all caution, all concern, all thoughts of how to behave away.

These are the moments I remember, the ones that – regardless of where and who I am, where and who those around me are or were – I hold dear.

It is these moments and scarcely more that I felt I lacked nothing. There was no depression ever longing in my innermost core. There was no insecurity of how I look, what I seem like to other people. It was simply me, being me. I wish that every day felt this way. I wish that every breath was cherished, every moment ethereal. For now, in my mind I am lacking. I am lacking an education, beauty, intellect, wit, charm. I am lacking happiness, optimism, faith, security. I am not desired, I am not craved, but I am here nonetheless. I wish that I could escape. That if someone did desire and crave me – that they would show it. That I was enough for someone. For one person to think that I was the only thing they needed, their whole world. Conceited, perhaps, but I wish it was so. Any who have told me this have not been honest. They lie, they hold other things dearer in their hearts than I ever could be. Other girls, sports, casual sex, words, friends, their past. I will never be good enough. At times, I can accept this and go through life like it was roses and cherry blossoms and everything was great. A mask. There are times when I forget that I am sad, and I like those times. Yesterday, with the fireworks and the conversation with new and interesting people – I forgot. It was a time of almost clarity; just about that level of perfection.

I don't crave wild things most of the time. A walk in the newly risen sunshine, music, love. These are things which I want. There is something that speaks to my soul when I listen to someone on a guitar, playing with passion and care. Something that registers in my mind when I stare at the ocean or into a fire and think of nothing – or, of everything. Lost in pleasure of the senses with a slipping grasp on spacetime. Somethings we do bring us close to feeling this... but alcohol burns the memory, sex is fleeting, drugs leaden the body. I'm not sure if it is possible to be free all the time. I doubt it. I wish for more moments in the sun, more calm clarity with which to view the world.

I wish he loved me like he says he does.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

It's independence day

It's an interesting world we live in these days...

I'll drop out of your lives completely means talk to you in a few days.
Even though I tried to keep them together until the end, every bad day she has I feel responsible for... even though I do want her to drop out.
I'll never fuck you over means debt, suspended licenses, and overdue bills.
Those with college educations can't find jobs.
It'd be easier to get by if I was married or had a kid or two.
For someone who promised change for the better, my life's a lot worse off since you were elected Mr. Obama. (I didn't vote for you though, so I feel a little better.)
Merrick is the good cat.
I've given up on trying to be independent.

Still, I do feel lucky to be living where I am in the good ol' U.S. of A. It's the 4th of July for goodness sake. So let's put the what the fuckeries aside; drink, barbecue, blow shit up and celebrate rebellions and our independence from Britain.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

It's so Top Secret

John said something yesterday which didn't bug me at all then, but has since started to make me wonder. Corey, his best and arguably only friend, asked to speak with me when he and John where chatting on the phone. Before handing me the phone, John told Corey I was Clearance level zero. So, whatever, right? Had it been any other person I wouldn't have given it a second thought and would have assumed that it was just boys being silly or something to that effect at least. Well, it's not any other person, and that made me think. I should, as someone willing and wanting to spend the rest of my life with John, not only have more than no clearance, but be admitted to know more than Corey does about the goings on, thoughts, etc. in John's life past and present. I not only want this, but expect it as something which is naturally in place. In my life, John gets to know everything, not only about me, but about every person that I come into contact with. There is nothing that I would not share with him about my life, or the lives of my family and friends. He is my significant other, and despite time constraints – we are in a “serious” relationship here. If I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone, it should be with someone who is willing to share the very darkest and hidden corners of their mind and soul with me. There are somethings which people keep to themselves, and that is fine. If John has a need to keep something to himself, than it should be kept to himself. If it is something he can share with a friend, then it is something he can share with me. John is definitely one to try and beat around a subject, tell half stories with enough vagueness that you're confused about the general plot structure. I've noticed this, and begin to prob on occasion, but that doesn't get me anywhere other than slightly irritated and often more confused. I have learned through my breakup with Clint not to be too trusting. I understand that people will often not do things as they should. Still, I wouldn't hold it against John if he didn't want to take out a loan together, or have a bank account in both our names. These things are what screwed me over now, and I realize that they were mistakes. The only time to become so tied to someone is once you have said your vows, and even then it can be kind of risky.

I mention this, because I received a letter in the mail from the DMV saying that my license will be suspended as of the 24th because of the accident I was in. Of course, I wasn't in any accident, but Clint was and totaled the car which, while in both our names, was primarily mine according to documentation. The electric bill he didn't pay for his apartment is now transferred to my bill so I could start new services here. My grandmother has been called with collection agencies looking for Clint, I've been contacted because he's months behind on payments. It's all completely ridiculous and he's causing me way more trouble than he's worth.

In other news, we've got food stamps coming in now for 208 a month, which doesn't cover all of our estimated cost – but 2/3 of it hopefully will be plenty. As we over budgeted things like utility and electric costs as well, and my monthly minimum payments for the credit card are lessened too – we might just be okay. Timing might be off on some things, but everyone will get payed in time, probably. I still owe 400 and some change to PCC which I believe needs to be payed off before I get my diploma, or am able to get official transcripts. Which sucks, because I might not have the money needed to pay that off until I get Financial Aid/ Loans to go to PSU which won't happen unless I am able to send them my official transcripts. Catch 22, for the lose.

I think that the passion that was missing may be back... or at least it was night before last. Is it so wrong to want to feel wanted? I don't think so.