Friday, December 25, 2009

I wish you a merry Christmas

It feels like I was writing my eight months post only days ago. Yet, here we are, at month number nine. Seven months away from our wedding. It is a wonderous thing indeed.

Christmas has been pretty good this year. Nothing super fantastic to report, but nothing bad either. Overall I'd say it's about fifty million times better than last year's where I was contemplating the end of my existence and wondering if was possible to hurt more. Yeah - wasn't good. This year was lots of chili, cannibal bunnies, ammunition and such full. It was fun with my loves of all shapes and sizes and relation. I think that I'd be alright with such things next year as well.

John and I didn't get presents for each other, and based on what we want (he wants shoes, I want clothes) I don't think we will really, but we'll probably go shopping on Saturday (tomorrow) to get said items. We have... not a lot of money, but 100 from my Grandma for Christmas, that will at least get shoes and maybe a dress... if we do it right. I'm looking for a good date outfit. Black dress, red heels, something sparkly. I don't know, I have a pair of jeans and enough t-shirts.... Although I'd like to completely revamp my wardrobe, it is for now okay. I lack something suitable for a nice dinner out - or a show. I had a couple, but my aunt Christie commandeered them a couple years ago.

I am hoping that with all the business lately, that we'll be able to breath soon as we enter the new year. I have lots of planning ahead of me for the wedding, and a hot body to find in myself for my honeymoon. I need to lose three inches for my waist and that's it, beyond tightening up and increasing strength overall.

I wish you (my, what, one reader?) all the best and magical holiday wishes and hope for us all that 2010 rocks our socks and kicks 2009's ass...royally.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tools at work are down...

So we've got solitare playing, craigslist searching MSN agents milling around waiting for a magical e-mail telling us to get back to work. It's been three hours - I'm caught up on web comics, have shopped ModCloth's new arrivals, and looked at tons of honeymoon spots - Now I shall blog!

I am thinking of self publishing a compilation of my works. I don't know if it'll sell, but apparently it's a publish as it sells company that just takes a cut from your sales. You don't sell and they don't get money - or at least that's how it seems. Double checked to make sure they don't take rights from you if you go through them too, so it seems good. I'll probably start workshopping myself until everything feels right. Then again, it'll all probably go nowhere.

I want to be better. A better partner, a better friend. I want to have a better lifestyle and a better body. I just want to make a hundred small adjustments to make things the best they can be for the current situation. I want better eating habits and better sex. A better (cleaner) home, and better cats. Better skin, better nails, and better clothes. Not perfect, not end game, just better.

John has a job! It's with Hewlett Packard doing desktop support and limited sales. It's not great work, and it tends to go against John's basic beliefs... but, it pays pretty decently for an entry level position and it gets us to a place where we can survive. That's definitely better!

Life is (hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood) getting better. Smoothing out. Routines, stability. No more emotional insanity, no more outbursts. Love, happiness, survival. There are definitely things which haven't seen marked improvement in over six months... or not sustained improvement. It seems that it's just going to fall more. Well, it's sad - but it happens, I guess.

December 21st seems to be the date we're looking forward to. One full time check of mine, and a part time one from John. We'll be able to get Christmas presents and pay all the bills and maybe...breath.

Until then my... one reader... I bid you all the happiness in the world.

Monday, November 23, 2009

it's been 8 months

Well, it's that time again. The anniversary post! So it's now been 8 months since I was convinced by a certain vulcan that being in a relationship with him was the right thing to do. Eight months (and one day) ago I sat there - jaded, confused - and contemplated whether I wanted another serious relationship. I didn't, but I also didn't want to lose what felt like an amazing and life changing thing. So I went for it. And, well, the rest is history. We definitely squabble but we always end up being okay. There seems to be no hill we cannot climb. Things look deary, but there is light up ahead. I love you Johnathan Lee. I will, always.

"Though lovers be lost, love shall not. And death shall have no dominion." -- And Death Shall Have No Dominion - Dylan Thomas

Friday, November 20, 2009

I'm legal!

Me as an official adult! It's pretty exciting, actually.

I had a very fabulous birthday extravaganza. I got off work and watched a view episodes of Voyager. Then we went to Matzatlan and had tasty food. I got some Al Pastor tacos and a pina colada. The server got excited it was my birthday, and brought me some free tasty deep fried cinnamon sugar tortillas. As we're getting ready to leave, they come over with a giant sombrero and noise maker thingies and what not. From there we head home to drop off left overs and go to Uptown Billiards. Play a couple games of pool and drink a super crazy strong drink that was a custom creation of our server's. She gave us free birthday pool. Then I went to Montage and got Cotton Candy Chuckles and red beans and rice. Apparently I was the 3rd person to come in celebrating their 21st birthday. For dessert a flaming mudslide pie! So tasty - and of course, on the house. It was definitely a very fun night.

My birthday presents included $100 from Brittany's mom and $50 from the grandparents. So John and I went to Streets of Tanasbourne and got helmets, a bike pump, 5 panties, a lingerie set, and we each got a shirt from American Eagle. With the foods and fun times the money was totally gone. Still really wanting some items from my ModCloth Wishlist, but they can wait until full time employment is mine.

We also went to Buffalo Wild Wings for boneless Thursday and Happy Hour and got sloshed on some Wild Punch which is crazy tasty.

Tonight we're going to Color Me Timbers - an event with color crayons and house music and visual coolness. Hopefully it's going to be fun! Jeremy is one of the DJs performing, so we'll get to see his stuff.

Anyway, I'm a big girl now! Which means I can go places, and do things.

Monday, November 16, 2009

ups and downs

After three... four days of agonizing debating, screaming, crying, and general not fun times I think that we have come to an okay point once again. Apparently we are doomed to have epic battles every so often to keep the peace the rest of the time.... or something. I'm not sure exactly why we fight the way that we do when our answers are always the same. Differing perception. Two views arguing toh-may-to toh-mah-to. It's all quite real and horrible and frustrating and confusing and painful... but it's also ridiculously benign and silly. Yes, we were on the verge of calling of everything. After further discussions today, however, I think we came to realize that John can be wrong. . . Wait that wasn't it? Well... close enough. Now on to happier things... wait, that's wedding related! Post over on the wedding blog see you there!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The bigger the star, the faster it dies.

It is indeed a stressful time here in Paradise. With a feeling of being alone even when he's with me, and the usual drama... it's was a long day yesterday indeed. Somehow we got into a fight over the past...again. I'm not entirely even sure how it escalated the way it did other than a complete clashing of moral code. So I got the story that he'd been so desperately trying to tell me. I can only agree with - or bend my code to accommodate for 2 of his prior 7, or 8, or 9... I'm not sure which. A Sara and a Sarah... a Rachel that was included but not. So who knows? And when you start climbing into numbers that high, what does it even matter. Except for those two, every other person was against what I hold to believe as right. I understand the why, I do... and cannot blame a person for it. I know that not all hold themselves to such standards as I do myself. I understand the physical need, the want to please a partner, the want to feel needed and loved, and like you have the capacity for such inside yourself. So I am given the choice to get over it or get over him. Well, I never was planning on holding on to such things. It's more the lying that I don't like. The excuses, the trying to param in just the right thing to make each lie work within a prior lie and all to serve his agenda - whatever it may be at the time. He calls it differing perspectives, changing daily as he changes. I call it a load of crap. He hopes that I can trust him... Honestly, all I can say is that trust has to be earned - and once lost is not easily regained.

He will admit that I am not the love of his life - but says he does not believe - or doesn't have the capacity to feel as such. That he has loved others as much as he does me now, and that each one of us he has given himself completely to. Perhaps he doesn't believe in soul mates - I don't think he does. He says if I were to die, even if we were married for over 20 years, that he would love someone again, as much as he does me now. With such a fleeting definition and constraint, how do I know he will not find this next great love while I am still in the picture? He says he fell in love with the girl he cheated on Emily with. That he would have gladly spent his life with her. For something so purely based on physical, and in such a transgressional way... what do I really matter to him? The only way he could ease my mind would be to travel back in time and reevaluate his situation I suppose. The only way for me to not be feeling as I am is if he had said what I feel as truth, that he was not in love with her. Just because you fuck someone doesn't mean you love them. Apparently I've found myself one of those guys, of which there are many, that believes it does. That believes that the emotional hangs on the physical - or perhaps not even believes this as such, but knows it. Or rather, it is linked in the subconscious of which they may be unawares. I will tell you this. You cannot be in love with someone after knowing them for two days. No matter how much those two days will mean to you, it is not something you can do. You may fall in love with the idea of the matter, of how they portray themselves, of what things may be. You simply cannot love them enough to say you would spend the rest of your life with them after two days. Why did you say so little of Rachel? I have a feeling it was because you realized that you are a physical being. That you do not have to be in love to be with someone sexually ... that your very structure and foundation upon which you build your tales is nothing more than a rotten and termite infested plank.

I'm done arguing the matter. I know the truth of what is at hand. Now I am faced with the choice of whether or to call him foolish and naive or call him a liar. He is most definitely and irrefutably one of the two. . . But, which one?

If I call him foolish and naive, then I can hope that he will mature and will realize the facts as I do. If I call him a liar, than this is one too many times and the entire basis of our relationship is flawed. If he is foolish and naive I can stay with him. If he is a liar I cannot.

Perhaps I'm blind. Perhaps it's another one of the effects of the Addison poison. Perhaps I just don't want to know. Whatever it is... for now, frustrated and amazed and dumbfounded as I am... I will call him foolish. I will call him naive. I hope that he will understand his... perspective as such, with time look back and apologize the hell he put me through. For the lies he wove, unbeknown to him. I know that in taking this stance I show foolishness and naivety myself... but what choice do I really have?

In astrology we learned, the bigger the star the faster it "dies." I hope that this is not the same of love. The greater the love, the greater the passion, the quicker the flame is blown out to reveal reality. If that is the case I will have to simply hang up my hat. For I will not settle for a lessor love so that I may have forever, and I will not chase a great love to be so burned in the wake of its nova. So then, if this is the case I will choose no love.

I hope that this is not the case. That he will learn and grow and change and understand and comprehend the outlandishness of it all. That he will realize a new capacity for love. That he will find me to be the love of his life, his soul mate, the one that he loves above all past, present, and future. For if he does not... if he cannot... I'm not sure what I can do.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Don't use your nails on the screen...

Among other things, like put that in your pocket and set that there... the new Motorola Droid has entered our family realm. I'm not too sure how I feel about it. In concept, it's great. Made by Google, open source format, tons of free appsthe works when it comes to smart phones. The keyboard keys are waay to shallow for my liking, and the phone's body is bulky, odd and unrefined. Still, without too much trouble, I'm able to write this blog on it. John spent way to much money on it, put it on a now maxed out credit card. He's now down to christmas and birthday presents resuming sometime in 2011 I think... although I doubt I'll hold him to that.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Why today isn't the best day ever.

Today I woke up and went to fill out some DHS paperwork that I have to get into them so we can continue to get food stamps. Since in October I made some actual money - there's a chance we might not continue getting food stamps, or get a much more reduced amount. I'm hoping I can talk our case lady into letting us keep them.... since w/o them we're totally fucked.

In addition, for some reason I'm not sure of the employment department has denied my benefits. I need to call them and figure out why, and what I can do to get them. I'm working 20 hours a week -- making LESS than my UI insurance was. It would have been better for me just to not have a job...

Our bills for the month... phone, rent, w/s/g, electric, etc. are 100.76% of John and my combined income. Which means that there is absolutely no wiggle room... None. However, even with throwing whatever else (gas, food > FS, etc.) onto credit cards (which I hate doing!) we'll still be that .76% short. Not too terribly much, but still.

John is crazy super sick. Like... death. He coughed up blood and is crazy congested. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do except put cough drops and the like on CC and hope that he gets better.

The Mazda... well you know about that.

Debt in general. We're barely staying afloat, and a large portion of that is because of CC and car payments. Without them, all we'd have to worry about is phone/internet/tv/rent/w-s-g/electric. I tried to consolidate all of the debts (totaling close to 10k) into one loan so I could pay it off at hopefully a lower monthly payment and free up CCs for those 'just in case' moments. However, because of the amount of debt I have - and the Mazda's late payments, I was denied.... so we'll keep charging stuff on CCs to stay alive because we're spending so much on payments.... Ah, now I see why people say to avoid the mother fuckers.

I'm thinking of looking into claiming bankruptcy. Yes, it would fuck my credit for seven years, but I need to do it before John and I get married if I'm going to do it. I need to pay off car first though, because I can't get that repossessed.

Did I mention we're planning a wedding? Somehow I have a feeling that it's not going to happen. I mean, see all the above and tell me how to pull over 4k out of that? You can't. I can only hope that we get a lot more help than expected.

John still doesn't have a job. He says that he's looking and applying everywhere, but there's hardly a callback. He hasn't even been on one interview since he was laid off in April. Not one. This is rather depressing as I've had half a dozen interviews and two separate jobs since then. Stream is ramping up again - so we'll see.

To top it all off, I'm freaking out and John's telling me to have faith. Have faith that his plan will magically happen. I have faith that if we don't pay rent we'll get evicted, I have faith that if he doesn't get employed by ... next week we're fucked. He seems to think everything will be okay - but I just don't see it. So he's being an ass about me being upset, because that's helpful.

Good things? UH... right.

I have a job. It's not doing anything but fucking me over for now... but it should flip to full time soon - which will help if John gets a job too- because we'll lose some if not all of food stamps once that happens.

The check I wrote my grandparents for rent hasn't gone through yet. This is our main saving grace for making it through November. If they had cashed it when I wrote it then we'd have no money at all for any bills. With that still in the air we'll be able to make it through November... unless of course they cash it soon... In which case triple fucked. However, I can't bear to ask them not to, they're not doing too terribly hot themselves I don't think. I'll just roll with it and see what happens.

Love. Yeah, love is good. It's nice to be able to turn to my fiancé and know that we're together regardless how the chips fall. It's put a lot of strain on everything worrying about money and plans and such, but we're still together. If I had to go through this alone, I think I would have given up by now.

Monday, November 2, 2009

the moon and hormones

Between hormones and the full moon I'm not sure which is having more of an influence. I feel grumpy, irritable, out of touch, and apathetic. I want to go do something - but I don't care what, and my bed seems like a good place to be.

On a happier note, this year's Halloween was fantastic. Falling on a Saturday gave a lot of room for enjoyment for the whole weekend. There was drama at both events, and I'm sure not everyone had a good time, but I did and stayed away from all dramatic happenings. Key events include virginity being lost and 12 year olds puking from drunkenness. Yeah, some times things just happen at parties I guess.

I am really worried for some people very close to me, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I know how both sides of the picture are seeing the events and feelings, but it's kind of a not my business ordeal, even though I feel like it is.

As I near closer to my wedding day with each passing moment, I realize that things don't magically turn into fairy tales just because you want them to. Sometimes, things fade from a once sheeny glaze. The things we wish for are often not received. Not to say I am unhappy necessarily, just that things could be better. There could be more togetherness, we could be more in sync as we once were. Things could be brighter for our future, the world could look less grim. There could be more money and more free time, and more helping hands. There could be more employment and aspiration for greatness. There could be less apathy and more ambition. There could be less formality, and more spontaneity; less ruts and more passion. More structure without sacrificing freedom. The felt presence of a guiding hand. More faith, more truth, more love, more hope.

Friday, October 30, 2009

What I like about Autumn...

Foliage colors
Escaping the heat
Apple Cider is cool again
So is Hot Chocolate
Rubber Boots
Jumping ... in puddles, in leave piles, in general.
Cuddling becomes neccessary
My birthday
Pumpkin Pie
Pecan Pie
Well, food in general.

I don't like...
That it's going to be winter soon. Brrrr!
The super short days / lack of sun.
Wind storms.
Fatness caused by tasty foods.
No monies from parties/presents.

All in all, it's a happy time, Autumn. It's winter that sucks! Have a wonderful Holiday season and be safe!

Monday, October 26, 2009

my temper runs high

So. With that prequel out of the way, you can fully understand why I was upset when today I received this from my mother:

"I'm going to delete you. I wanted to see how you are doing and maybe be part of your life but it is too painful. I hope for your own sake that you come clean about who abused you and who you abused if only to yourself and your fiance.
My dad died so he didn't get the chance to walk me down the aisle and that forever makes me sad. You have a dad who loved you and cherished you above all else, including me. Why you turned on him I guess I'll never understand.
I'm sorry I couldn't be the mother you needed."

I turned on him, of course. These crazy people. Anyway, I retaliated rather than leave it alone...because, that's just me.

"What you do is definitely up to you. I am surprised to see you are still with someone who has held a gun to your head and knocked you unconscious in violent fits of rage. Perhaps it is you who needs to be honest with yourself and those around you. I still have nightmares about the things that I experienced growing up, and certain things will still send me into a panic attack. I try to convince myself that I'm not a child anymore, he can't hurt me ever again. I made the right choice by leaving and saving my own life. I don't understand how you could say no abuse took place when I had a gun held to me. How is that a loving and cherishing father? I do know that he wasn't all bad. Sure, we had some times that were okay. However, it was not worth risking my life to stay there to have those fleeting times of love. I thought that some day if you were willing to admit what happened, we could become close again. Maybe he's changed. Perhaps the realization that someone could escape his tyranny shook him enough that he cleaned up his act and has become a better person. I don't know. I myself have no evidence to this belief. If he had come to me, called me and apologized for all the times he ever hit me, all the times I was thrown downstairs or against walls by my throat. If he showed genuine emotion and was grieved by what he had done... I would be able to possibly consider forgiving him. I have been debating whether or not to invite you to my wedding in July. I know that you have your problems like anyone, but for the most part were just a victim like so many other women out there - and I can't hold it against you. You weren't always the best mom, but when you were on your medication and had your head on straight the only issues that were there were just my teenage authority conflicts. The only thing I have any regret over in the long run is that I didn't fight harder for Alex. While he had you literally throwing yourself in harm's way for him, he still received the physical abuse. I realized later, that the anger of your situation being known had a high probability in throwing your husband into an unstable state and that he only had you and Alex to take it out on. I will always be sorry that I wasn't able to save Alex. Always. He exhibits the classic symptoms of someone being abused, even now, I hope that his father has changed and that these are only after effects of his childhood.

This situation has taught me that no matter what someone says, your heart is the only thing you can follow. I was told that no one would ever love me, that I was undesirable. Now I am engaged to a fantastic man who would never dream of laying a hand on me.

I was told that foster homes were full of molestors and rapists. I learned that this was just another scare tactic to keep me from admitting what was going on. The foster parents I've met ... you and your husband couldn't even think of trying to hold a candle to.

I was told my grandfather was a cruel man. He's been my rock since I took it upon myself to escape. He is the kindest, gentlest, most sincere man I've ever known. I wonder how your husband became the way he is with such a father... I suppose some things are simply genetic. Based on his father's history, you'd have to agree.

I have learned that I am strong. That I can survive. That nothing and no one can kill my soul, try as they might. I was terrified to go into stores by myself, just in case he was there. I look at that scared child, crying at the police station, and I wonder why I didn't leave sooner. I'm sure things would have clicked better for you had he actually killed me, but I'm glad we didn't get to find that out.

Through all the lies, I can still forgive you. You were a child taken by this man, and it is normal for you to cling to him. You should never have chosen anyone over your children, but... you did. Still, just realize the truth of the matter. Whatever you've blocked out - painful as it may be, relive it. I don't expect you to apologize for what it he did, that was his choice - not yours. I may still be upset that you allowed it to continue for so long, but time will heal. All you have to do is stop this facade that nothing was wrong, that he's this perfect person. Just admit what happened. Maybe I'll be able to build a relationship with you off of that. I'd like for you to be able to see your future grandchildren, though they will never, ever be allowed to be alone with your husband unless something miraculous occurs.

I guess that's all I have to say."

Which -- also in my fashion is very, very long.

Anyway, now you know how my day went.

a bit about my past

I'm not sure how many people read this. I'm too lazy to really care. I'm not sure of those readers, how many of you actually know me. Of those that do, how many know my past.

Well we can just say that it wasn't fun. My father was a very abusive and angry man who suffered from bi-polar disorder and depression. My mother was a classic victim of abuse. She let herself be the victim, blaming herself to the point of numerous suicide attempts. Since she blamed herself, she took no action to stop the violence that surrounded her. As a child I witnessed my father holding a gun to my mother's (and in teenage years my) head. I got to see my mother falling limp to the floor after having her head smashed into a wall by dear old dad. I was thrown up against walls by my throat, tossed down stairs, and the like. At fourteen he held a gun to my head and told me he would kill me if I left.

My friend had stayed with us for the week during a downside in my father's character. She had witnessed the abuse, and told her parents. At this point, I it was leave and risk it, or stay and die - the cops were bound to get called by someone.

So I made an excuse of returning an item to my friend's, and left. I didn't think about this very well. I didn't pack my things and leave them outside to grab before I made my escape. I left wearing a tank-top, shorts, and flip-flops. DHS ruled that I couldn't stay with my parents and enabled a restraining order that was soon broken. I bounced around aunts houses, and finally settled to my grandparents's. My parents maintained a shaky custody. They fought to have me shipped to a home for troubled girls in the south. My grandpa wouldn't let that happen, there were some lawyers, and viola I was adopted by my grandparents.

They're fantastic, they're family. If it weren't for my past I wouldn't be who I am, and I kind of like the person I've become some times. I've made some huge mistakes (*cough* buying the Mazda with Clint *cough*), but all in all I love where I am.

Johnathan is the most amazing person in the world. He may not have a job and be able to financially support me, but he will eventually - and the love he's given me and way he makes me feel so is worth it.

I love my Brittany! We are closer than we've ever been, which is pretty good after ... 10+ years.

My Azurell, Nate, Mouse, and... all the rest of you lovely lovely people. You were my rock after Clint and I split. You kept me alive, and for the most part sane.

I can thank every single person in my life, whether I hate them or love them for taking part in building a wonderful woman capable of her own destiny.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

mac & cheese is tasty

As I start to write this, one Mr. Kitty comes and decides to cuddle me. What could be better than that?

Life's been crazy lately, and I often don't know where to turn. There are so many whirlwinds passing around me. I do have good times though, so it'll all work out, I hope.

Money. Root of all evil. Something trivial and yet humanity places such a great value on it. With the system abolished, or with more in hand, everything would be just fine.

I went to the Tillamook Cheese Macaroni and cheese cook off. There was so much tasty food goodness. It was a free event, and I got a glass of wine, and so much food I was stuffed to the brim. The lady I voted for whose Mac&Cheese was OhMyGoodness good, didn't win - or even place, so that was kind of lame, but oh well.

Went to the pumpkin patch in North Plains yesterday with Brittany and Danny. It was pretty fun, and I enjoyed myself. We gave Britt a lot of crap for being super happy an excited, but I think she made the day. We took lots of video that'll be posted...eventually I'm sure. I'm really excited for Halloween, even though I don't have a costume super planned out. It'll be fun regardless.

John sold his computer, and went and got a lesser model. But... we only came out having an extra $120, and then he bought a midi controller for $40, so...yeah. Don't know if it's worth it really.

I don't know if there's even a point to updating ... because things are always the same with such minor variations.

Le Sigh. Off to see if Oregon can give me money now.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I'm not pregnant and I have a job.

Well, I peed on a stick - negative result. That's relieving, but not sure what's going on then with the sore boobs and the hormonal crazies and the constant annoying fatigue. Testing again later this month if a ness doesn't happen.

Work tomorrow begins my part time employment. This is going to be lame, because for some reason my manager didn't listen to me or something so I have a Mon.-Fri. 9:00am-1:00pm schedule. I'm also going to be making less than my prior unemployment was. Hopefully I can get some of that back though. Also, hopefully I can change to work 9:00am-6:00pm Mon-Wed. and have a wonderfully long weekend.

I'm hoping that everything will all be okay, but I'm feeling like it's just not going to be. The Mazda apparently doesn't exist anymore - the place it got towed to shut down without letting anyone know. That reminds me, I need to call the Police Department tomorrow to see what I can do with that.

I tried to get a loan with First Tech to consolidate all of the debt I've got going on, but because of the Mazda I was unable to do so. This is going to make paying for the wedding really hard. However, it appears that my grandparents are going to be helping even though they told me no way they'd be able to. This opens up a little bit more optionality for us. If they cover the location, we'll be able to do catering - which will allow us to have a lot more relaxation.

Relaxation would be nice. I've been stretched to the breaking point, and feel like my depression is starting to beat me. It's been to the point where I'm starting to feel totally deadened. Oh, there's panic, pain, worry. I did get excited while looking at wedding spots.

I think that I would be feeling a lot better if there were equal contributions coming in. I've been working 40 hours a week and John's been....? One day last week he did some laundry and picked up a little bit. However, I've been working all day for a month. His unemployment is hardly anything. In addition, he's spending ridiculous amounts of money. While I may have some debt that was before him - he's been piling on way way more debt than money he's bringing in. Makes me feel like he's taking advantage of me in a way. With the wedding to plan and so much debt in addition to the Mazda bringing us down with it we should be spending absolutely nothing and throwing anything we have into the debts. Instead, John's spending on credit cards and we're not able to pay bills. I understand not wanting to settle, but come on! I worked at Target for fuck's sake. He won't even apply to Subway or anywhere else that he doesn't think is...what? Good enough for him? I don't know. Something HAS to happen, otherwise this just isn't going to work long-term. Eventually something will break. It just will, and it doesn't matter how hard we try to keep it together.

John's reaction to the potential pregnancy was enough to tell me things aren't totally perfect. I'm freaking out - but because we don't have insurance and John doesn't have a job. John's freaking out because it means he'll "have to be an adult."

Le sigh.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

what I wish....

I wish I could write a blog about the world in all it's glory and complete sanity. I'd love to write about the excess of money that all my friends and I have. How we're all doing fantastic and walking around in custom made shoes with an extra spring or two in our step. I want to write about the wonderful job market, and how we're all completely over-compensated and no inflation's in sight. Love is all we'll ever need, and more than enough for you and for me. There's fresh cut flowers every morning, and deliciously brewed tea flowing into porcelain cups. The air is crisp, cool, and refreshing, and is that lavender I smell?

I'd love to write all these things, but I cannot.

I'm drifting away from humanity. From myself. I wish all these things, but none will come to be. I spend too much time wishing, for there is nothing else I can do it seems. I can wish or I can worry. Perhaps I spend too much time doing both.

The daily monotony is a comfort. Rise, work, eat, sleep. The days blend together, cream blending into coffee. Slowly, silky tendrils work there way together.

I know that I am lame. I try so hard to be something that I am not I suppose. I try to be clever, to be tall, to stand straight and narrow against the world. Can you see through me? Is there anything to see? I realize now, that I have very few qualities I admire. I am hardly artistic anymore. I used to be able to create, to pull words out of the air and weave them into paper...or screen as the case may be. Now... ... now I just type idly, and hope that someone, somewhere, sometime will read and that they will understand. That they will say "Yes, there is someone who knows."

Knows what? Well... I surmise that whoever this person is, wherever and whenever they are...they'll have that answer for you. As for now... I feel I know very little.

The autumn air... the rain on the windshield... it all feels too familiar. Everywhere I go, everything I do, every drive I all feels like deja vu. I fall into this old mode of thinking, like it's all the same. This is all there ever was.'s not the same.

I think John and I were made for Summer. I'm not really sure why, exactly, I just think that's what we were made for. Spring too, I suppose. It feels like with the weakening sunlight that we have a battle up ahead. Something to overcome. Some huge obstacle that we break through, or lie broken in the wake of.

We're losing touch, connectivity with one another. Perhaps it's just that the "honeymoon phase" is over. I still feel for him as I did...but... I just don't know. There used to be so much passion, pleasure, fulfillment. Now there is this routine...this predictability. Nothing happens that I don't know is going to happen. No one shows me huge amounts of unexpected adoration or affection. I don't get surprise I love you headywhop, I get you spent 1,000 dollars on me in a week headywhop. I get the usual kisses and pets and signs of love, but I don't know. It might just be the fact that we used to not be able to keep our hands off of one another, once a day was the minimum. And now.... now I'm down to maybe 3 times a week at best. Where did the lovin' go?

I feel gross, overweight, ugly, moronic, idiotic, complacent, overlooked, useless, hopeless, stressed, and mildly deranged....

The end.

Monday, September 28, 2009

it feels disconnected

It feels like things are disconnected. Like there's this world in front of me, that I cannot take part in. I feel like my body is out to get me.

I don't really know if there is anything wrong per se, I'm just not sure if everything is right. Between John and I, there doesn't seem to be any underlying or obvious issues of which to note. He has said that he wouldn't make the same mistakes he once has -- which is better than I could have hoped for. However... there seems this disconnect. That we are on edge with one another, and that nothing is ever good enough for either party. It's really hard to explain, because, like I said there's nothing wrong. Just a feeling...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

it's been 6 months

"Happy 6 months! It's a real relationship now! I think we've got that backwards though. I love you, very much, you'll always be my moment outside of time. Let's watch the world pass around us outside of our reality forever. XOXO"

Yeah - got that delivered with some flowers to my work, it was kind of fantastic. Yes, I know we don't have the money... and six months isn't necessarily a milestone or anything - but still, I rather enjoyed it. I haven't ever received flowers by the surprise delivery method, so it was kind of neat. Daisies and pink roses, my favorite.

I think you can all assume that we're doing okay, since we're getting married next summer. Unless I get to excited and can't wait... kind of feeling that way now. It will be winter soon, so that will hopefully put a damper on my 'let's go do it now' mentality of late.

Anyway, I'll keep this post short - I posted something in regards to the topic earlier.

I love John, and am very happy that I will become Mrs. Stephanie Addison, or Stephanie Alexander, however those cards fall.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Autumn's here!

It is officially autumn! Hurray to the changing leaves, the rain, and the calming of the nerves and softening of the tummies. I brought the season in tonight with the most amazing group of people. The fire smell, the crisp air, the pretty dress, the lovely people... it was perfect (except for missing one very important person who stayed home and ...?)

I cannot explain how much I love my friends. Even ones I don't know all too terribly well, like Brook and Ike are still fantastic and I would miss them greatly if they were ever removed from such events/circles/etc.

I played Scribblenauts for quite a long while. It was amazingly fun and yet aggravating.

I should be in bed right now, as I have to be at work in 7.5 hrs... but I cannot sleep for thoughts mulling in my head.

I realized that there are people who love me, who love John, and are happy to see us together. I mean... I knew that before, of course, but for some reason it just clicked tonight on how much this is the case.

I realized that if it were up to me to pick who the best man would be, it would have been someone there tonight -- not someone who completely is against John and I getting married in the first place. Those people are more John's friends than Corey has shown himself to be in the last six months... and I don't think that's going to change. If anything Corey and John will fall further apart and John and the boys will grow closer together. Oh, and boys, I am not object to this being facilitated by you either....

When a friend says that they'll do whatever I need/want them to, it's pretty fantastic. Because of who I know, I'm getting pictures, cake, and video for my wedding for free. Well, I'll have to pay for the development of pictures and an album and what not...but otherwise yeah. I could get a band as well, probably. I am blessed to know such talented people.

Actually, I wonder if Trevor will make it, I'd love nothing more than for him to play for us.

The boys planned out an adorable bachelor party for John. Even though he is opposed to the idea of having such a party, hopefully they can trick him into it.

We're getting sent off for the evening with a Roman candle salute. Apparently it only takes four people to make a fantastic show that would bring to tears to my newly married eyes I'm sure.

Downside of tonight, a firework landed on my pretty sundress and now there is a circular smudge of... gunpowder/ash/burn that I don't know if I'll be able to undo.

I believe that the wedding planning has for the most part commenced. We need finishing touches on colors, and that's it. The rest is just saving money for the tulling, chairs, arch, flowers, food, and suit/tux rental.

I know, I know...there's a blog for that, but still it's important in the events of the evening. They interweave.

Anyway ... I love you Nate, Ike, Mouse, Brook. I am in love with you Johnathan Addison.

I am starting to feel like things are in an upswing. . . it's kind of scary.

Oh well, at least we have Corey to fight about to keep drama... I mean how is he going to give a speech if he doesn't think John and I are right for each other and doesn't want John to marry me at all ever...?

Have to be AT work in 7 hours....

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I rant, I hope.

I would write a blog, but have a feeling it would just be me bitching about work. . . because it's everything I never wanted. I find myself wishing, and wishing hard that Stream would call me. All of us. So we could go back to working our boring meaningless jobs. At least we'd know what to expect, and at least we'd be together. Oh, and at least I wouldn't have to wear Red and Khaki and a name tag and ... yes.

That is all. Target is great to shop at, horrible to work at.

The end.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I'll blog for the hell of it

Wow do I feel like poo.

Yes, that's my eloquent introduction. It's my realizing that I can't write anymore, that everything poetic in the world of prose has been completely ripped from my unyielding hands and deposited into the greater space of the world. The gifts I once held are being drained from me, even if ever so slowly. I hardly have the energy for anything but work anymore. As the sales are driven higher, the work becomes harder and more chaotic. It is better than doing nothing, though.... I think.


Today I arise at an hour past noon, after dreaming that John was a vampire. He rescued my brother, he took me on the hunt. He was Lestat powerful, we flew around the world. The early morning sun did not harm him, and we watched the sunrise with love in our eyes. He worked during the daylight hours - at some place. I think in my dream it was Fry's actually. When it was dark, the night was ours. In the dream he accidentally killed a coworkers grandmother. He didn't accidentally kill her, but rather chose the wrong person. She was elderly, and sitting in the arm chair in a mansion of sorts, nodding off. Her white cat was curled up on her chest, and was indulging herself on her master's blood given forth from a small abrasion of her flesh.

I woke up as vampire John and I were swinging at a park watching the world around us turn from black, to grey, to pink and blue. The coworker was on his way to work and found his grandmother. He left us, crying. John decided to skip work and grab a plane to somewhere fun. I joined him.


Life has been sort of hodge-podge of craziness lately. Wedding planning, identity crises, working. I'm in a whirlwind and having trouble getting out. I cannot wait until Friday (first day of my weekend). Thursday will be my sixth day working straight. Lame.

I asked John if he wanted Emily to come to the wedding. He wasn't sure, and thought that he shouldn't even tell her he was getting married. I told him it would be a bigger slap in the face to not tell her and have her find out later that he went and got married and didn't even mention anything to his best friend...or someone who once filled those shoes. Well he did call her, and I think he was just a big pile of awkward. Which makes me wonder... why was it such a big deal for him to let her know?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

there's a wedding blog.

I've made a wedding blog!

I am addicted to blogs.
I tend to write a lot.
You don't have to read all my wedding garbage unless you want to, but can still read my other garbage.

I will do my best to keep wedding stuff off here, and life stuff off the wedding one.

Yay organization!

New blog can be found:

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'm engaged

Apparently my snooping and finding out about the engagement didn't frustrate the desire, merely the operation. Today I jumped in the shower and was just standing under the facet getting toasty when in jumps John. Nothing out of the ordinary there, we actually have taken to showering together more than apart, just in case you needed that tid bit of information.

John hugs me and is all smoochy and such (yay love!). Then he said...something, I honestly don't remember now what that something was and holds up the ring in both his hands and asks. In case you couldn't tell from prior posts and things, I said yes.

I'm like *squee* *dance* *jumps* and then more little happy actions in happy little asterisks.

The ring needs to be sized because I have tiny midget hands, and should be ready by 9/9/9. Coolness.

I am now officially the future Mrs. Johnathan Addison.


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

it's been 5 months, Oh these violent delights.

So it's been five months now (and three days, but who's counting?). There have been a lot of confusing, agonizing, and doubtful moments during the past month. Emily it seems is still an issue. I can't help but be curious, especially when Brittany reads her blog and randomly informs me that there's a post which makes sense to be about John or I or the both of us. Today was such a time and on the cusp of me being sure I heard John say "I love you Emily" instead of "I love you Stephanie" I was not in a super open minded mood. So the posts do seem to fit John and myself for the vast majority, but all I have to take is his word as no names are given.

It appears that John does indeed have a job at Fry's, or will very shortly. This is super good news. We'll up our income and maybe be able to crawl out of debt and poverty and fly happily along. As for Target, well, I'm not exactly thrilled to be working there. It seems like once I learn how to use all the equipment then it'll be cake. Not easy, necessarily on the standing on the feet forever and getting all nasty part of things, but on the here make this look pretty a monkey could do this part of things.

Latest drama? Engagement. John was being super suspicious, and I voiced these suspicions to Brittany. She agreed with them and we went about our giddy way. After some bra shopping to celebrate Brittany and I now having the exact same boobular size, we headed to the grandparents. Suspicions were shared with them as well. They were happy and such, and then someone - I don't remember who - said I could just check. So, me ... being the girl that I am did. Hurray, suspicions confirmed! Then speaking to John on the phone letting him know what was up, he was like "So the card company might call to verify a charge" which duh gave it away. So I was like, yeah, I know. (Yes I am aware of the fail.) So then John feels like everything in the world fails and it doesn't matter anymore and all this jazz. He's upset and says that it won't be special or a surprise and tells me his whole plan he had (which would have been awesome). So then he's saying that now he's not going to ask my grandpa, or anything, and he doesn't even know if he's going to do it any time soon. Fail.

Although, I did tell him a few months back he had to wait until we'd been dating for 9 months before doing that anyway - and that a year would be just about perfect. Was this more for societal and friendship approval, or my own? I'm not really sure on that matter to be honest. When you know that you've met the one for you, then you know. If it happens only with a short amount of time, then it does. I've always been one to say that if you know you want to be with them forever, then propose, what's the use in waiting. If you feel the need to wait to get married, that's fine.

Then again, Clint and I were engaged and look how that turned out. I truly believed that we'd be together always, and now I wouldn't trade Johnathan for anything. So... love is stupid and always confusing. You knew that already, didn't you?

I know very few things. I cannot foresee the future with John, and that bothers him. I know what I want to have happen based on the current circumstances we are in, and that is it. I am not a mind reader, a fortune teller. I am not a saint. I am simply a girl floating through the world.

And just because.... Excerpt from Romeo and Juliet.

Amen, amen! but come what sorrow can,
It cannot countervail the exchange of joy
That one short minute gives me in her sight:
Do thou but close our hands with holy words,
Then love-devouring death do what he dare;
It is enough I may but call her mine.

These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite:
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Brittany is bored... you all get an update on my life as of late.

There's been tons of irregular sleeping/eating patterns happening, which isn't too terribly bad since there's no work or anything going on. I do feel super lame when I wake up at 4pm though. Tomorrow - or rather later today I'll need to be up because I'm going to hang out with the lovely Azurell. God, I'm such a twitter addict, I almost wrote @azurell instead. My bad.

So the Clint issue kind of hit full force the past couple days. I was supposed to go to lunch with him, but John mentioned that it would make him uncomfortable and lead to the end of the relationship. So, I told Clint that I wouldn't be able to hang out at that time, of for anytime soon. Clint was super hurt by this and so we had some text and e-mail conversations about it. He said a lot of things that I had been waiting to hear. How he was sorry, that he messed up and hopes to have me in his life in at least some way. He was upset that I chose John over him, which...come on, how could you not?

Eventually he called me and we ended up talking for almost two hours. We talked about the issues that we had. I said my peace about everything. I cried, he cried. Closure. I feel horrible that I have to cut him out of my life, but I guess there is still the internet and telephone and such. He will always be a part of my life, he was too integral to disappear forever.

I understand how John feels in a way. True, I wanted him and Emily to stay friends but merely cut out the inappropriateness -- but he ended up having to end the relationship to do so... or she did. I'm not really sure. He did remove her from the social networking sites and she doesn't have his new phone number... However, I did find out that he randomly remote desktops into her PC. Can you say not okay? So very not okay. That's creepy to the extreme for one, for two -- he needs to get over her. He hasn't yet, and that's okay...but he needs to.

I'm not sure where John stands now with the Clint situation. He realized that I feel bad about the situation, I think he assumed that I wouldn't care. He said that he was stepping out of the situation and for me to do what I thought best. Which is... I have no idea. I don't want there to be any resentment between us, and I don't want there to be double standards either.


Unemployment has got to be the worst thing. I haven't not had a job since I was 15, and now there's just this huge emptiness. This lack of contributing to anything more than myself, it's just, I don't like it. That and money is kind of important to functioning. Food stamps and UI help, but they definitely do not make up for full time employment. I've had a couple interviews and such, but rejection after rejection. It's kind of lame. I know that I could do the job, and better than the majority of people out there. Whatever.


I feel like a child who got dropped into this body. I have these grownup concerns, feelings and desires but no way of dealing with them accordingly. Everything is terrifying and I feel like any day I'm going to wake up to find the hollow shells of all this blown away. John mentioned something about putting on a face, and I think the truth is - every single one of us feel like we put on a face for other people. I don't know why - but we do. Whether or not there is one there or not, well, that's up to the individual. I think in a lot of cases it's just the divide between who you are and who you wish you were that causes that feeling. You don't want to admit who you really are. Either that, or I'm just rambling. I feel the same way, like the world can't see the true me. I tried to start this blog to remove the outer layers, I'm trying to be real and honest. I am concerned that John will either be who I know him to be, but change for some reason - or that he really is hiding behind something. There are a lot of things that I don't agree with him on a lot of things, and his past before me seems like mistake after mistake - poor judgement calls lined up in a row. I don't know...not everything, but... a lot. Anyway...

That should be enough reading for anyone. If it doesn't make sense - tough. I was listening to music and that takes my brain away from my fingers so they kind of do what they want.


Monday, July 27, 2009

it's 103.

It is way too hot. I wasn't meant for this 103 degree shit, I'm Irish for fucks sake.

That is all.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

it's been over 4 months

So I've been prone to post monthly on the anniversary of John and I officially being a couple. It's a few days past that point, but... we'll call this the four month posting anyway.

So, yes, John's been with a lot more people than he told me originally. A lot. And for all he or I knows there's more that have been blocked out. I guess while it does upset me, John's changed a lot from the kid he once was. I can only hope that he will continue to grow, change, and become more and more human as the days progress into months and years. For now, I am dealing with the issues as they happen.

There are only two things at the moment that have any dampering affect on our relationship. One is that his ex, who has sworn herself away from our lives numerous times doesn't know how to actually stay away. If she wasn't in love with him, it wouldn't be such a deal. Two... is a bit more on the personal side of things, but it has to do with a lack of intimacy that I feel is good to have in a relationship. However, it is not a lacking bit for the most part and he did say he is willing to try if I have to have it. However, I feel that this is something we can get over.

All in all, there have been ups, downs, and complete reversals in our relationship. I have felt betrayed, broken, and misled. I also have felt loved, cherished, and blessed to have him in my life. I truly think that he is the person that God sent my way. If nothing else, each day with him is a learning experience, or at least a test of my patience. I feel like through the relationship we are having I am understanding my downfalls, and that of humanity's ... but more so our strengths. Our multitudes of expressions and scope of feeling and reasoning that no alien I've ever met can adequately match or display.

I am thankful that God has decided to give me John, and that we continue to thrive in each other's love and company. I was concerned when we got laid off that we'd be at each other's throats by now. We aren't for the most part, and that is a good sign I think.

There's your monthly update, wish us luck as we continue to discover what this love thing is all about.

Monday, July 20, 2009

definitions and being with an alien

When you ask someone how many people they've had sex with, it generally takes them less than a second to respond if they've been with a few...maybe a couple seconds if they have to tally the names or locations or faces on their fingers. They usually don't respond with "I don't know" unless they're not super concerned with their partners and weren't aware of the name/location/face they were engaging in intercourse with. This question can be posed a variety of different ways, all of which - to an intelligent or at least societally informed individual - mean the same thing. How many people have you slept with? Had sex with? Engaged in vaginal intercourse with? How many people have you done the things in this article to? Have played with your penis/Penises have you played with? To most people, each of these questions would have the same answer, except for the last one, because I can play with a penis without it entering vagoo land. However, for me each one of the answers is two. I do believe that you can tell a bit about someone by the number that they give and their age. Given that the average American loses their virginity at 16, and other factors you can generally tell if they've been in a lot of long term relationships, if they hold sex as something other than just raw physical interaction, etc. etc.

You as a man, have a penis either inserted into a vagina, or you have a vagina placed around the penis... Someway or another your penis is in someone else. It can be a anus also, if you like it like that, or are having sex with a man...but I don't think that's super relevant. As a female you have a penis inserted into you, or you insert the penis, or...sit on it..or I don't know but there's a penis in you. I'm not sure what the definition of sex is in lesbian relationships, but again, not relevant. That is not a hard concept...For the sake of sanity, and such, we're definitely going to say that any molestation, rape, etc. does definitely and very much so NOT count in any way although by literal definition, it does. However, willingness is a part of it as much as anything else.

As such, I've gotten multiple answers for each of these questions when asking someone, and this leaves me confused. Perhaps now we've boiled it down and I have truth. It doesn't matter the number to me. In a way, yes, like I said you can sometimes tell about a person based on the number. However, there are people that have high numbers I wouldn't consider sluts and people with low numbers that aren't in long relationships all the time. It doesn't really make a difference. It's good to know for health purposes. I mean, if you sleep with someone who's slept with 10 people, you've slept with not only those 10 people but anyone and everyone that those 10 people slept with prior to and during their interactions with the person that you've slept with.... there are people who make charts and sort of things, but I think that would hurt my head to much to count. All I know is that there are people within my particular chart I'd rather not see there, and that's with the nonclear answer.

I just want truth. Straight up honesty. If you think you can't not tell your exgirlfriend you love her because that's a lie how can you not tell me how many people you've had sex with? How can you think it's okay to lie to someone and tell them the internet dropped or all the other lies you tell daily -- but it's not okay to lie when it's not even a lie.

Now that he's plastered what he believes to be the truth on the internet for all to see... I think I have an answer. However, based on all that is included, not sure if it's to the question I asked.

I thought that being with an alien would be fun and refreshing. I don't agree with a lot of norms and thought processes put down by society myself. I ponder, I reflect, I change and adapt and mold and squeeze and bend more than my brain can come to terms with sometimes. So I thought that someone completely different and removed would be better for me, more relatable in our differences than was society and mine. I think, if nothing else, I've learned that I am very very much so human. I am on plain and level with all these people I didn't think I was. I know that I have no more in common with aliens than I do with... I don't know... Hunchback Whales or something. I am intuitive, I can sometimes read people. I do not, and cannot understand the complex workings of an alien's mind, however, and I don't know if there's any point in trying anymore. With his Human English translator completely busted, and a translator for Human to Alien conversions not yet invented -- where to we stand? Can we stand? If I want an answer and cannot get one because the question isn't understood - and on such this most basic level of questioning -- how can anything we perceive to be, be? What is love, hate, discontent, passion, apathy, jealously like to an alien? Can they even feel such emotion? Do they even feel at all? Or is it just another high tech device they use to interpret humans and try to experiment with on their own to try and relate?

Friday, July 17, 2009

it's all matters of perception

I think that John and I may be finally over this ever persistent issue. Yes, I do believe that he is wrong in his logic and reasoning in the matter. However, because in his mind he did not choose something over me, then he didn't. Which is what was really bothering me more than anything else anyway. Yes, I was right. Yes, Emily was and seeming is still in love with him. She's also across the country and doing her best to get on with her own affairs. I don't think that she knows how John and I actually came together, or that there was no infidelity. He didn't even kiss me until the day she was supposed to be going back to Virginia, and we had planned our first date for afterwards. However, she didn't end up leaving for Virginia until we were officially a couple...but that's not really the faults of either of us.

I don't know why it concerns me so much anyway, how she feels or what she perceives. I can only think that the Clint situation made it as such. In a way, although not as horribly, she is me and I am Jaime and John is Clint. Although, I promoted their relationship, and tried to keep John and Emily together. And, John and I didn't have sex until a couple weeks after we had returned from our trip to California...which began after Emily was already back in Virginia. Regardless, the emotional-ness was there, and that's what's most important anyway - especially for her I would imagine as she cheated on John with multiple people on numerous occasions. Anyway...

We came down to the conclusion that John does not perceive the world as the vast and wide majority of people do, and that if I am to be with him I will have to realize that. He also gave some insight to my prior explanation of him not being happy in the relationship and lacking in that once held spark. He stated it as "I'm not going to give you fireworks if you're just going to blow yourself up." He was worried about the continuing fighting as I was, but rather than put more into the relationship because of it he was becoming withdrawn and assuming that I wanted things to end.

There's a real communication issue between John and I, and it's not that we don't communicate. We actually both are fairly open with each other (in matters of the relationship we are in at least) and so by normalcy there shouldn't be any problems. However, we both seem to speak completely separate languages, or at least two opposing dialects. His perception of what truth, love, and humanity are are completely different from anything I've ever heard of. Which leads me to utter confusion. If the great thinkers of history (Plato, Aristotle, etc.) and modern thinkers, and anyone I've ever met or read or heard of all think one way, how am I supposed to come to terms with someone who thinks entirely different? I don't know exactly, but I am working on it. In most matters this difference is refreshing and thought provoking, however, in matters of what he perceives a lie to be - not telling someone you love them if you do, and what love is -- the act of not telling them would require a complete emotional shutdown... well, this leaves me perplexed. I understand it in the most simple terms. If someone says they love you, and you reply I don't you..that's a lie if you love them. However, if someone says they love you, and you reply with... nothing, or continue the conversation, or thank you, or aaww you're sweet or something I don't see that as a lie.

Regardless, I think we realized that we are each totally and one hundred percent right with the contexts we are able to understand and that we live our lives in. So, there isn't really an issue anymore. That being said, it would make my life much easier if he never told her he loved her again, or if he decided that she's not worth any trouble and just didn't contact her at all. I think that if I were to ever hear him say he loved her, or see it in writing to her... I would have a major internalized struggle. For, I do realize his perception and how he understands the situation, but that does not mean that I at all agree. In contexts I can understand, he is completely mistaken on the matter and it should never have been an issue. Oh well. We will either realize the differing perspectives and be okay with that as we are now, or (the better of the two) come to a compromise of perspectives naturally as we grow together.

In other news... OnPoint put an insurance policy on the Mazda themselves, so if they can take a look at the car then they'll possibly cover all of the loan minus 500 deductible. Also, if Clint and a notary sign something saying he was responsible for insurance and operating costs of the vehicle then my license won't be suspended. Hurray, right? Well, generally you would think so. However, Clint is being less than helpful so... I don't know. My next step is to contact an authoritative figure in his life and see what happens I suppose...

Monday, July 13, 2009

internalized problems

I kind of explained my feeling, or lack there of to John who said that's how he felt – he knew he loved Emily, but didn't feel it and then he slept with someone else (no, not me...). I don't know if he's actually worried about that... it wouldn't make sense for him to be. Even if I were the type to cheat, we're together all the time as neither one of us have jobs.

I realized that as I try to be a confident and self reliant individual I am failing in these aspects. I have become reliant on the government to pay for everything I could hope to have. Food stamps and unemployment don't exactly scream independence. I've mailed off my college application and eagerly await a reply of acceptance, maybe then I can take out loans and get more money from the government to help me out. Le sigh. Eventually I'll be done with schooling and have a real career and be able to pay back to the world. However, I'm not so sure about the confidence issue. One, I haven't been able to find employment. I should be able to get an office job easily, I would imagine. It doesn't take much – and I have the experience needed. Or, rather, I thought that it would be easy, didn't take much, and that I had the necessary experience/skills. So I'm failing in the work realm. In the home realm, things aren't much better, but this is due mostly, I think, to lack of motivation. The apartment is messy and disorganized. I did make the room functional and relatively clean yesterday evening, which greatly helped my overall view of the possibility of perfection. I am worried about the quality of relationship that John and I have as well. I do not feel like I am providing him with all that he desires or needs out of a relationship. He will say that all he wants is me, that I am perfect for him in this time. Although, that quantifier that he puts on it does make me uneasy. “in this time.” I mean, well... I'm not perfect so therefore must not be perfect for him for all time, right? I am sure that he does love me, but... I don't know. A lot of things compound together to give me this feeling. I'm not sure exactly what those things are.. moments that just seem off key, his lack of enthusiasm for me in general and especially, uh, romantically. Then we have the ever persistent Emily issue which will never go away, because he still believes that he was right in his judgment and actions. His number is probably getting changed on his phone, and he did say that it would be okay because then she wouldn't be able to get a hold of him even if she did try. Not really sure how I was supposed to respond to that, but I was conflicted. He still will say he is right, then why not have her contact him?

Employment, home, relationship, and self are my confidence short falls of late. I myself feel... I don't know, if I had to sum it all up into one word I'd say gross. I'm emotionally dead and mentally drained which probably does not help the situation any. I look at every aspect physically and am repelled. I feel completely inadequate in every trait in regards to my physical appearance. I'm not sure if it is this appearance or my perception of such which has changed because there for a while I was feeling alright about myself. Now, however.... not so much. I have nothing but criticism for any of my physical attributes these days. It's not all the time I am conscious of this, but just...when I see myself? Look down at my legs and feet, and just everything. Ugh.

Well, that's about all I've got in me for the moment. Life's drama isn't really comparing to my internalized problems, which I'm sure are all for naught.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Cycles and things

Wow, so I need to fix my sleep schedule for sure. Went to bed at... some time around 7pm and now I am up, seemingly for the 'day' which isn't really that long if it ends at 7 again. I went to Clint's house day before yesterday as I was close by and needing answers. He knew that he wasn't insured, no surprise there, and his license has already been suspended. Which is kind of even more confusing as to why they are going to suspend mine, but I don't think there's anything we can do about that. I told him what he needed to do to make sure that it didn't happen, and now I'm just giving him a few days to do so before broaching the subject again.

Everything has been slipping by with little to no division of time and space. Days roll into one another. With nothing to do, there's no definition. Night and Day are relative terms and I have no need for either. I count down the days until Chop Chop night (18 now), because it's the only regularity in my life. I need to make a schedule that I can stick to. Maybe do some working out with regularity and get in shape – I have nothing better to do. I've been sleeping more and more hours per day, drifting off out of boredom or pure exhaustion. I'm pretty sure that depression is in full force again.

I feel constantly tired, weak, and apathetic. I cannot feel anything, except, I found out, anger. With this hole in my body sucking the world into it without caring, without giving anything back – it's kind of scary. It's not like this is the first time I've felt this way, and I know that with time it will more than likely come to pass. It is very hard to go through day to day though. Every face I display I feel is riddled with holes, gaps that anyone can see through. I asked John to read my writings so that maybe he can understand, but he hasn't yet.

These things are hard to quantify and label as is, but orally, things are much worse. I am confined to happy, sad, good, bad; and there doesn't seem to be any room for gray areas, especially with John. He is either on or off, angry or calm, sweet or bitter. There isn't really any room for negotiation with someone who views the world this way. He once told me, love is love it's either there or it's not. He simply can't understand the way that I feel, then. He doesn't comprehend that I've loved people romantically before, but that the love I feel for him is deeper and more complete. For him, every love is just that... You know, I don't even know if I buy that explanation from him... Maybe it's just him not wanting to hurt me because I'm not the person he's felt the strongest about. I don't know.

That seems to be the theme of late. What do you want to do with your life? I don't know. What are you good at? I don't know. What does tomorrow hold, or better yet, today? I. Don't. Know.

I know that I am going to continue my education if I can. I know that I want to be a wife and a mother above anything else. I know that in order to make those dreams a reality I will need to forge a real career and that requires degrees. I know that an Associates Degree doesn't mean anything in this day and age, and that a Bachelor's barely means anything anymore either. Graduate programs, Masters, Doctorates – these are what set you apart from the every other slipping, sweaty mortal pulsating through existence.

With what I do know and what I don't seeming contradictory and confusing, well... here I am. I will probably get fucked over by Clint. I will probably fail at getting retribution. I will probably ruin my relationships with the people that I care about. I will probably fail at life just like so many millions working dead end jobs here and there to pay the rent. Sadly, this failure simply means conforming. I've failed to do so this far. I should already have a kid, be addicted to some substance or another and living in utter squalor. Those are the statistics, right? Child of abuse and teenage mothering actually succeeding to do something other than follow in her mother's footsteps? It's damn near unheard of, even with just the teenage mother and an otherwise middle class upbringing full of love and such.

Perhaps the cycle can be broken. The cycle of mental illness, abuse, neglect, unplanned pregnancies, and hate which riddle my family and America at large. Perhaps. At the moment things are looking down, so pessimistic views are nearly all I can see. I suppose, that things might all work out. Things might turn around, I might get a leg up. I've got a roof over my head, food to eat, and someone that loves me. It can't be too bad. I just wish that I could... truly feel.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I'm fucked

My sleep schedule was totally fixed until I got bored and laid down with John. Boo! Oh well, not like there's anything needing me to have normalcy anyway.

Merrick is, like, damn near without a doubt male. Which leaves me kind of confused as to what to do. She'll always be a she. Well, those balls are getting chopped off eventually, so it'll be close enough. Do male cats have a kind of heat though, because she was obsessed with the licking and I just assumed she was cleaning up after the blood stuff from heat.

Clint is possibly the official worst ex of all time. The car we bought together for him was totaled. Not too terribly big of a deal normally. However, Clint didn't pay his insurance so was not covered. So, because of this and the fact that I am the primary on the car my license will be suspended as of July 24th. In addition to this, the insurance isn't going to be paying off the car loan, and it doesn't appear that Clint is either. I received something in the mail saying that there was a back due amount of 450 something and that they were reporting to the credit agencies. So, I'll have a suspended license, bad credit, and an $18,000+ debt which there is no way I can pay. To top it off I had to cover the last month I had my name on the electric policy for Clint because he neglected to do so, that's another $80, and I left the Internet on in his apartment in my name and he hasn't paid me for that yet which is another $105 in total. So basically the dick owes me $18,185 and then some. I have no idea how to proceed as he is neglecting to return or answer any of my contact attempts. Looks like I'm going to have to take him to court. Oh, joy. I'm not really sure how to proceed with this matter and am not sure that I would win in court because my name is the primary.

Apparently Emily sent John a super angry e-mail saying she hated him and never wanted to talk to him again a while ago. I am confused as to why John didn't tell me until now, I am also ridiculously curious as to what she said, but even more so as to what his reply was. Knowing John, it was something gentle, kind, and comforting and she'll forget all the anger that she didn't really have any reason to be in the first place. However, if this time she's really finally gone from the picture then we can maybe move on. Although, again, these decisions being hers are not boding well for my opinion of John himself, which in turn negatively affects the relationship. I'm not going to ask to see it, as that would be overstepping the line I assume.

So I'm broke because I have no job, but things were starting to look up because John is going to start getting UI and we got food stamps and such. However, things can't be good apparently so now Clint has to take a shit on any happiness and joy I may have been able to achieve.

In short, Fuck My Life. Anyone know an awesome lawyer who wants to do a little pro bono work?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Things unsayable

How do you explain depression to someone? It's kind of like trying to explain the color blue to I pretty much don't try. It's hard though, at times. When someone asks you what you're thinking and the answer is nothing because your insides are dead. You get asked what's wrong, and the answer is -- in the way they meant the question, nothing. A chemical imbalance within the neurons of your brain. A misfiring missile. True, there are times when I feel it less than others, but it will always be there. Sure, I could go back on Prozac or some other drug system ... but to me, the benefit is not worth the risk. I'd rather be in touch with every fiber of my emotional frame. Besides, it is often depression which fuels great works for me. I am able to tap into the core essence of creative functionality. I had a problem while on antidepressants that I wasn't able to write. I was on like the lowest dose possible b/c the main purpose wasn't depression, and still it zapped me. Not worth it. In this world there are seldom things I truly can enjoy, or be proud of. My ramblings just so happen to one of those things, whatever they may appear to be to you. So I am restless, so I can't sleep except when exhausted. So I'm apathetic to life, and stare into the distance with a blank or somber look on my face. So I'm on a downward spiral emotionally, and probably will break soon. So what?

I need to write

I cannot sleep and therefore I must write, I suppose. It happens, on occasion, where all I can do is write. I know not why, or how or when it will happen. Just that, inevitably, I will have a need and who ever is in my wake will be bid to read what wondrous or mundane work I have created. Is it out of boredom alone? I don't think so, I think it is... out of necessity. I am what I am and all that I am is me. Perplex simplicities wrapped in what warmth and shelter I can take from this world. Sometimes it is much, and I am grateful. Other times, it is less than would be desired and I feel abandoned and alone. There is no switch of emotion. There is no only on or off. There are varying degrees of everything from anger to love. I love nearly everyone alive, I suppose. However, there are some I love only because they are alive and there is a soul and meaning behind their eyes; others I love because they have qualities and traits which I admire. There are those who have admirable qualities and a common ground with myself, and I love those as acquaintances and perhaps friends if enough of the right mixture is there. There are those which are simply a part of me, have been and will be and they are family, although no blood relation is necessary at all. There is love which is deep and coursing just like blood in my veins, and consuming and undeniable – like the love of family, but with a necessity and craving aspect. Within each of these categories there are varying levels. There is no on or off. You may never hear me tell you that I love you, but I do. You may beg with me and plead with me that you love me, and though I feel the same way you'll never hear me utter the words. I believe with all that I am, that you shouldn't tell someone you love them to hear a response. If you love someone and wish to let it be known, you shouldn't feel downhearted if they do not repeat the words to you. If you would feel this way – then let you never utter those words of feeling aloud. I also believe that “I love you” is said far too much. We've raped the meaning from it. It means the same as 'I like you' or, 'I think you're an awesome person.' I am just as guilty of this as the next. With all of this knowledge I hold to be nothing but the truth, it will continually befuddle and confuse me as why telling someone you love them is such an enormous deal. Why you would be willing to rid yourself of someone you love in what you claim is the deepest sense to tell someone you love as a friend – acquaintance these days – that you love them. To me, it means much more to simply be alive, to care as you will. I would not need you to tell me you love me to know that you do. Actions will always, always speak louder than words could ever hope to. It is what you do, how you treat someone that let's them know how you feel about them, not the words you speak – type – send. It is sad to me that we have come to rely on words when so very much of what we experience can not be understood with any language that I have ever encountered. I say this as someone who is more tied to words than most. I will always be a writer. Even when what I wrote was fairly pointless, silly, and without talent I considered myself as such. I feel that without writing I would surely go insane. Yet even I can admit that we place too much merit on what is said with letters smashed together in semblance of intelligent thought. As I sit here, in darkness of night and somber thoughts I wish that there was a way to download how I feel into a disk uploadable to your mind. Maybe then you would realize that by not responding you are not lying. You are choosing to love me like you say you do. I didn't start writing this to go there. I didn't even mean to, it just kind of happened as my consciousness spilled forth from my fingertips. I still feel like I am right, he is wrong, and there is nothing I can do. My dreams are consumed of him choosing her over and again. On our wedding day, random events, it doesn't matter. He always goes to her, even if he tries to come back to me later on, it doesn't do any good. He's made his choice. I guess that's it, isn't it? He did, and my subconscious doesn't want to let me forget it....

Thoughts of late.

We all, each of us, lack something. I'm not sure what it is for each person, but I can pretty much guarantee that it is there without a doubt. Me? I lack a lot of things. I lack optimism, I lack a true understanding of faith. I lack the ability to let myself be happy completely and without reservation. Each day rolls by and I want nothing more than to let it pass. Wash over me without so much as a second thought or whim to change it.

I strive to perfect these emotions, contain them in amber bottles with clearly defined black and white labels. Put them up on a shelf where they can be seen by all – perfect. Perfect love, perfect hate, the epitome of rage, jealousy, lust, frustration, joy. Each color coded sticker matching the key hanging from the rafter above. Yet, I fear there are no such things as perfect emotions. Wrapped up in all that we wish to be, do we miss who we really are? There's a quote by John Lennon which says, life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Is this true of everything we see and do and taste and smell? A world in front of a world masked my our own smoke and mirror contraptions we put in place to keep us safe from really experiencing life. We have these moments, that feel real. I know that in these moments there is a sense of clarity, but they often are the most surreal.

Sitting in a living room, a guitar playing. The smell of weed and beer fills the air. The back door is open to the night. The clear air wafts in and strokes my skin. These are the moments I miss. This is when I felt alive. The three of us, talking into the wee hours of the morning about everything we had and wanted and dreamed and felt. I had to lie and say I had fallen asleep watching a movie. Truth is I was living, clear.

A trip to the beach with mostly all strangers. The sun, the sand. Two guitars, a fire. Someone taking pictures of everything and anything. Free style rap and cuddling with puppies in the sand. Feeling like you're in a movie – because life simply isn't that great. Things like this don't really happen.

A cold winter night. A dare of sorts. The rush of adrenaline as my heart fights to stay beating. The warm, stuffy air of a sauna. Confessions of an earnest heart. I will remember always this night where I did something I would never do. I stepped outside of myself and simply lived. I threw all caution, all concern, all thoughts of how to behave away.

These are the moments I remember, the ones that – regardless of where and who I am, where and who those around me are or were – I hold dear.

It is these moments and scarcely more that I felt I lacked nothing. There was no depression ever longing in my innermost core. There was no insecurity of how I look, what I seem like to other people. It was simply me, being me. I wish that every day felt this way. I wish that every breath was cherished, every moment ethereal. For now, in my mind I am lacking. I am lacking an education, beauty, intellect, wit, charm. I am lacking happiness, optimism, faith, security. I am not desired, I am not craved, but I am here nonetheless. I wish that I could escape. That if someone did desire and crave me – that they would show it. That I was enough for someone. For one person to think that I was the only thing they needed, their whole world. Conceited, perhaps, but I wish it was so. Any who have told me this have not been honest. They lie, they hold other things dearer in their hearts than I ever could be. Other girls, sports, casual sex, words, friends, their past. I will never be good enough. At times, I can accept this and go through life like it was roses and cherry blossoms and everything was great. A mask. There are times when I forget that I am sad, and I like those times. Yesterday, with the fireworks and the conversation with new and interesting people – I forgot. It was a time of almost clarity; just about that level of perfection.

I don't crave wild things most of the time. A walk in the newly risen sunshine, music, love. These are things which I want. There is something that speaks to my soul when I listen to someone on a guitar, playing with passion and care. Something that registers in my mind when I stare at the ocean or into a fire and think of nothing – or, of everything. Lost in pleasure of the senses with a slipping grasp on spacetime. Somethings we do bring us close to feeling this... but alcohol burns the memory, sex is fleeting, drugs leaden the body. I'm not sure if it is possible to be free all the time. I doubt it. I wish for more moments in the sun, more calm clarity with which to view the world.

I wish he loved me like he says he does.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

It's independence day

It's an interesting world we live in these days...

I'll drop out of your lives completely means talk to you in a few days.
Even though I tried to keep them together until the end, every bad day she has I feel responsible for... even though I do want her to drop out.
I'll never fuck you over means debt, suspended licenses, and overdue bills.
Those with college educations can't find jobs.
It'd be easier to get by if I was married or had a kid or two.
For someone who promised change for the better, my life's a lot worse off since you were elected Mr. Obama. (I didn't vote for you though, so I feel a little better.)
Merrick is the good cat.
I've given up on trying to be independent.

Still, I do feel lucky to be living where I am in the good ol' U.S. of A. It's the 4th of July for goodness sake. So let's put the what the fuckeries aside; drink, barbecue, blow shit up and celebrate rebellions and our independence from Britain.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

It's so Top Secret

John said something yesterday which didn't bug me at all then, but has since started to make me wonder. Corey, his best and arguably only friend, asked to speak with me when he and John where chatting on the phone. Before handing me the phone, John told Corey I was Clearance level zero. So, whatever, right? Had it been any other person I wouldn't have given it a second thought and would have assumed that it was just boys being silly or something to that effect at least. Well, it's not any other person, and that made me think. I should, as someone willing and wanting to spend the rest of my life with John, not only have more than no clearance, but be admitted to know more than Corey does about the goings on, thoughts, etc. in John's life past and present. I not only want this, but expect it as something which is naturally in place. In my life, John gets to know everything, not only about me, but about every person that I come into contact with. There is nothing that I would not share with him about my life, or the lives of my family and friends. He is my significant other, and despite time constraints – we are in a “serious” relationship here. If I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone, it should be with someone who is willing to share the very darkest and hidden corners of their mind and soul with me. There are somethings which people keep to themselves, and that is fine. If John has a need to keep something to himself, than it should be kept to himself. If it is something he can share with a friend, then it is something he can share with me. John is definitely one to try and beat around a subject, tell half stories with enough vagueness that you're confused about the general plot structure. I've noticed this, and begin to prob on occasion, but that doesn't get me anywhere other than slightly irritated and often more confused. I have learned through my breakup with Clint not to be too trusting. I understand that people will often not do things as they should. Still, I wouldn't hold it against John if he didn't want to take out a loan together, or have a bank account in both our names. These things are what screwed me over now, and I realize that they were mistakes. The only time to become so tied to someone is once you have said your vows, and even then it can be kind of risky.

I mention this, because I received a letter in the mail from the DMV saying that my license will be suspended as of the 24th because of the accident I was in. Of course, I wasn't in any accident, but Clint was and totaled the car which, while in both our names, was primarily mine according to documentation. The electric bill he didn't pay for his apartment is now transferred to my bill so I could start new services here. My grandmother has been called with collection agencies looking for Clint, I've been contacted because he's months behind on payments. It's all completely ridiculous and he's causing me way more trouble than he's worth.

In other news, we've got food stamps coming in now for 208 a month, which doesn't cover all of our estimated cost – but 2/3 of it hopefully will be plenty. As we over budgeted things like utility and electric costs as well, and my monthly minimum payments for the credit card are lessened too – we might just be okay. Timing might be off on some things, but everyone will get payed in time, probably. I still owe 400 and some change to PCC which I believe needs to be payed off before I get my diploma, or am able to get official transcripts. Which sucks, because I might not have the money needed to pay that off until I get Financial Aid/ Loans to go to PSU which won't happen unless I am able to send them my official transcripts. Catch 22, for the lose.

I think that the passion that was missing may be back... or at least it was night before last. Is it so wrong to want to feel wanted? I don't think so.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Emotional infidelity and impasses

Well, here we are. I offered the bit of realization that we won't ever be content unless we stop talking to our exes to John and he refused. Not before trying to barter with other people in my life of course. I came to him and said that I wanted to make a deal – I stop all communication beyond necessity with Clint if he returned the favor with Emily. He told me that it wasn't a deal because he didn't care about Clint. Of course this made me want to explode with anger, call Clint and go out with him to dinner or something, because as much as John would like to say Clint doesn't bother him, I know otherwise. Rather than John taking that as an obvious sign of my distress he instead tried to tell me he'd cut Emily out if I cut out Shawnta, or Danielle. I guess I should have made that deal with Danielle since I haven't talked to her in ages and doubt I will. Some ties were stronger to the workplace than to the people I suppose, as much as I enjoy her company. Well, I suppose the communication between them existing wasn't really the problem anyway, not nearly as much as the type. So, I pleaded with him that he should keep talking with her, they are friends after all, but to keep the topics and such to a friendly and platonic level. Which, apparently is impossible between them – but I was trying. Anyway, he completely refuses. Not only does he completely refuse, but he makes up some bullshit about how if he never said he loved her than he'd be lying, and I don't want to date a liar, do I? So we counter back and forth and reach this complete impasse. I don't want him to say he loves her because he shouldn't express that love for an ex, even if he loves her more than myself. He refuses to stop saying he loves her because he feels it would be lying if she said she loved him and he ignored it. To me, this seems like the biggest fallacy I've ever heard of. You can love someone all you like and not tell them, it doesn't mean that you are lying. The level of inappropriateness between the two of them coupled with his fortitude and resolve to stand his ground to continue the level of such – hurt more than I think he'll ever know. Instead of talking with me about the situation, he turns to her. What. A. Surprise. So while I'm trying to converse with him about our issues, he's texting her. Which, based on the level of conversation that we were having was... oh I don't know, the worst thing he could have possibly done. After a bit, I leave the room astonished and hurt beyond all reason that he'd continue to do so. I'm sitting there, laying or whichever, crying and pouring my heart out to him and he's texting her. So I leave, go sit in the living room, pet Kitty and converse with him about the situation. So yes, I'm a crazy cat lady to an extent I suppose, but it helps to talk out loud to someone who can't break your heart. After a while I'm just sitting there brewing and getting worse and worse in my own mind so I go back into the bedroom and express this to John who kind of angrily says 'don't worry that was the last message I'm going to send.' So in my mind I'm thinking, thank goodness, it's over. I don't have to worry about all the insecurities, I don't have to worry about my boyfriend whom I love deeper and more than anyone ever before telling his ex girlfriend that he loves her –or telling her anything at all. I don't have to worry about every time we get in a fight or disagreement him running to her like he had been. Thank goodness, right? Yeah... I was wrong. I suppose that when things occur that seem beneficial to you, you should probably be skeptical, right? Because no one will ever love you. No one will ever truly put you above all others. No one will ever really be that rock you need to hold you up and never let you fall. I guess, sometime you just need to grow up and realize that nothing will ever be like it is in fairy-tales and movies. Well, in my naivetĂ© I thought that it was. So I continued the night as such, and we had some good conversation about his school days and fights and things. Eventually I expressed to him how much he means to me. . . and he ignored it. So, according to his prior beliefs, that would mean he didn't feel the same. So there I am, heartbroken again. At least this time it's over something – which though devastating – is reasonable. At that point, it hadn't even been three months, so me telling him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and that I've never been more in love with anyone as I am with him and that he completes me or whatever, well, it could be too much to take in. So, I let it go and we go to sleep. The next day, we're watching a movie and I start to come on to him and he asks me what's up, what made me happy? So I tell him that since we don't have to worry about any of our past issues that we can move forward and be happy together. So he's confused and we realize the misunderstanding and the argument heats up once more. Eventually I give him an ultimatum, not one saying to choose me or her, or that she goes or I do... no, I would have lost him completely and utterly had I made that my stand. The stand I choose was me or telling her he loves her. I lost that stand. I've been hurt before, by … damn near everyone I've ever met I've been hurt. Perhaps I'm too sensitive and fragile, perhaps the world is simply full of fools, perhaps I have poor taste in guys or friends, or family. No one has ever picked something so trivial over me. My mom picked my dad over me, Jack picked Caitlin over me, Clint picked Jaime over me...and now, now I wasn't getting second place to a person even, I mean yes --- but not in the strictest sense. I was simply being added to the list of someone else's wants and desires, but not in first place where I longed to be. He quoted his morals, his core values of honesty. The bullshit that he still sticks to. Saying that when someone says they love you, they mean it as a question of “Do you love me?” So that not responding with yes, I love you too, would be to say no, I do not. Well, if it helps him sleep at night he can tell himself whatever crackpot of bullshit he likes, but.... let's carry on, shall we? I was crushed beyond crushing, broken beyond anything. I had made me stand, and figured odds were in my favor. After all the bull he'd fed me about me being his primary, the one for him, perfect, how he loved me so much – all of it pointless and nullified. Yet, in my own stubbornness and devotion to him, I couldn't keep up with my threats just then. I couldn't stand to have our relationship fail. I didn't know what to do, or where to turn. I thought of everything I could, every plea I could contrive, the multiple perspectives of the scenario all leading to one thing (assuming he'd been honest with me, that is) of him saying okay to my request. I begged with all my might, and still he remained resolute. I was further devastated by my own lack of control and poise in combination by continuous refusals by the man I love. I contacted Emily, explaining the situation and hoping that she would understand. Well, whether she did or not, she not only said she'd stop with the more than platonic affections, but that she'd drop out of his, our, life completely. Not at all what I wanted, but the best I could get I suppose. I was ridiculously disappointed at costing him a friend, but thought that at least our problems were solved.

Except that... it's not solved. It's like... a band aid for a bullet wound. Well, maybe like... some gauze and tape, but no stitches... oh I'm not good at metaphors apparently, but it's like this. . . The cause of our issues is gone, yes, but he should have wanted it to be gone. He shouldn't have been telling his ex that he loved her in the first place – not once I was his girlfriend at least. As he was, my request should have been met and complied with instantaneously, without qualms or fights. It should have gone like this... “Okay, I have a deal, I cut Clint completely out of my life, and you do the same for Emily.” “Well, I will if you want – but I'd rather not.” “Okay, well, at least don't tell you that you love her anymore?” “That I can do.” “Thank you.”

Or, something more poetic like... or not, but whatever. The gist of it is there. Instead there's this lingering in the back of my mind. Rather than rid me of insecurities as was the 'plan' I'm riddled with more now than before. When I don't ponder and reflect, everything is wonderful. He is and will remain the love of my life and the one I want to be with. He's still the same sweet, funny, considerate, amazing person as he was before and my love for him is unaffected by his transgressions against our relationship. I feel my heart overflow when I look at him, I long for the touch of his skin and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him in commitment today if I knew he felt the same for me as I do for him. The day that he feels like I am his best friend, the only lover he'll ever need, the light of his life, the person he loves above all others past and present and someone that completes his world...that will be the day I will walk with him into the courthouse and sign all the documents to make it official. Of course, I'd much rather have him just propose on the day he realizes that I am these things to him and, like, actually do it proper style --- or as proper as I can manage. I'm beginning to realize that some traditions just won't hold for me. Would it be so wrong for John and I to walk each other down the aisle? Probably. Eh, whatever. Well, we've pretty much been doing the same ol' same. No jobs, no money, no prospects in life. Living off of faith and love and trying to survive. Everything would be perfect between us, except for the lingering doubt I have because he wouldn't not tell her he loves her. If he had agreed when I asked, I'm not sure if anything would outwardly be different than it is now...but inwardly, very much so. I wouldn't doubt that he loves me above all other lovers he's been with, or people he meets. I feel like I will never be good enough for him. That he will always hold on to past relationships for comparison, and that I may meet them, but will never beat them. I feel like I will never be the person he can say he loved more than any other person he'd ever met. I will never be the person that swept him off his feet and kept him there like others failed to do.

What's worse, I think, than that? I know this, that I will never be more in his mind than any past love, and still as long as he considered me his best friend and would remain faithful to me – I'd still marry him. Even though that would mean that his soul mate is still out there somewhere, even if it kept him from ever meeting her. While in most cases I wish John the best, and would give up my own happiness to make him happy – on this point I am sure I would fail in my moral resolve. To keep him in my life I would forsake him the love of his. That sounds ridiculously messed up now that I've written it down, but...that's just how it is.

So, while I do not forgive him – I do my best to forget. Maybe someday I will forgive him. The more probable case is I simply stop caring about Emily and that he chose her, because he has been with me long enough for it to be mute. That isn't now, and I don't think it will be soon, but I do think that it will be someday. I hope I can forget how he made me feel, that he broke my heart while swearing to protect it. I hope I can forget how he told me that he will be mine as long as I want nothing and no one more than him – and was a hypocrite to his own beliefs. Where's the moral code in that? I'd give up a lot of interactions with others, regardless of how I felt about them rather than be a hypocrite like that on a matter of utmost importance to the person I was supposed to be dedicated to.

There I go again. Raw wounds still, though time has passed enough for him to have forgotten. I hope they do not remain raw too much longer, for they pain me so.