Monday, February 21, 2011

we're doing alright

Everything is quiet, calm. Personally at least.

Car issues are in abundance, it seems an e-mail a day is sent with bad news from Washington.

For the moment we've reached an equilibrium in funds by selling some wheels that John bought for his car and we've found they don't fit.

Hopefully he can work out something with friends and friends of friends to get new wheels and tires. There seems to be a few things that may happen to have it work out. I sure hope that things play out okay, because we've put so much into this car - it's ridiculous.

I spent the weekend lounging around watching Sex in the City and reading. Quiet, calm, loving my husband and two balls of fluff.

It's nice to just be able to breathe, realize that we're together and staying that way. Simple love, radiating between us - is all that we need. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if we'll be okay ever financially... or if we'll ever be comfortable with where we're at.

We have good friends there to support us, and I think I've gotten through to John what friendship really means. He didn't understand my relationship with Brittany, the love that I had for her, the lengths I was willing to go for her, the fact that I would turn my back on him for her. I don't know if he'll ever be able to have that kind of loving friendship with someone, and I've come to find that it doesn't really do much good to have one anyway. But, at least he now knows that he has allies, and friends. That those he's called friends in the past were only allies - fighters for a common cause, or someone to count on in a tight spot - but they were not friends. Friends are kind, loving, not out to use the other person and try and cause them and their loved ones pain.

With that knowledge I hope we can go forward in our lives, far more cautious of who we allow into our innermost circle - who we call friends.

All in all, it's been peaceful, calm, quiet. Hanging out with good friends - each other, just living and loving. There are hard times, but we've gotten so used to them, that I think we'll just continue to sail through, holding tight to one another for balance.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

a life update

All out there in the world is quiet, finally.

We've received all of our possessions back from people that had them - broken, of course (from the looks of it submerged in water, pretty classy) - but that ends what ever ties we had. Too bad it came at the cost of about $400 that we'll never get back, and items we can't afford to replace.

I was contacted by Tiffany and Brittany wanting to get together and talk about the whole situation. But, they flaked. Whether it was actually due to James' dad's birthday, or whether their male counterparts forbade them from coming - Either is just as likely, and the result is the same. I didn't come up with the idea, but was open to it to bring some closure to the situation. As they both would have gone back to being with Corey, and even if they didn't I could never forgive them - I'm not sure why they wanted to get together in the first place... and I guess, as they didn't show, I won't know for sure. Again, it doesn't really matter. I've been nothing but kind, honest, and loving to them my entire life. And I got stabbed in the back. Who needs it? I find myself still defending them, trying to remember that they are no longer friends, there's no need to defend their faults to others.
A colleague of mine was talking about how she could never be as close with her fiancé as John and I are. As in, they don't go grocery shopping together, they separate when going out, split finances, etc. I realized all over again how lucky I am to have Johnathan. We're always there for one another, and enjoy spending time together. Even though we've been together for almost two years, we spend the vast majority of our time we're not at our work desks together. We see each other for lunch every day, and the only time we're really apart is on our weekends since the days we have off differ. When we had the same days off, we spent all day together then as well. I wonder, is there a benefit to this? Or, on the opposite side, a withdraw? Perhaps we wouldn't fight as much if we spent less time together. Yet, all things considered, we really don't fight that much anyway. We're best friends, not just lovers. I think that's where the difference is. We don't need the time apart, we just kind of switch roles within the day to fit our needs. We can have religious and theological debates, logical queries, but we also have the wishing of future endeavors and tender moments spent. We go shopping together, we visit friends together. John's mentioned he considers us to be one singular unit, and I wonder - is that really such a bad thing? The codependent natures within each of us just bound to the other's and we just sort of fell together. From the moment I said I'd be with him alone, we've spent more time together than apart. Our love became a drug we were both addicted to.

Now that things have... settled down, I think that habit still remains. We still crave each other when we are apart. I talk to him as a friend, telling him things that I suppose most wives don't their husbands. We can talk about the attractiveness of other people when we're out without getting jealous. We can talk about our inner thoughts, and are the first point of contact with news of any kind. We can share our enthusiasms, even if the other person isn't as enthusiastic about whatever subject. I do think that this has dampened the romantic aspect somewhat, yet we are still very much in love - and the passion definitely still remains.
Somehow this summer we're supposed to take our honeymoon, go on a cruise for my grandparents' 40th anniversary, go to Vegas for Caity's 21st birthday, and go to Disneyland with my grandparents and the boys.... I'm not sure how that's going to happen. I need to talk to Az about the whole Disneyland bit, if that's the route we choose. We need to sit down and figure out what we would like to do the most, and which would be most cost effective, we'll only have at most a week to do whatever it is we do.
Valentine's day is in 4 days, and John and I have already exchanged gifts. We really should stop doing that... we both get so excited about our presents that we end up trading way in advance. It's happened, for every holiday/event in the past two years. Maybe we'll just start learning how to procrastinate more on gifts.

I'm looking forward to dinner, and making myself look like a girl. I bought a dress with my ModCloth gift certificate I had that is adorable and, pretty themed around the holiday - though not so much as to be cheesy to wear at other times.
That's about it. Just hanging out with my husband, working on going company by company getting my name switched over. Working, sleeping, repeating.