Sunday, February 28, 2010

we can remember long ago

I've began to enter in my journal entries from long ago. December 2005 to be exact. It is funny how things change. How I had doubts about my relationship, even back then, but was steadfast to it. It is amazing to me how much things can change, how much anger and love a young heart can hold.

I hope that I'm not spamming your readers with my writings, as I'm setting the dates on them when they were actually written.

Time to move on with the day I hope. I have a pile of old movies to watch! Hopefully john will get out of bed sometime...

Saturday, February 27, 2010

a Scottish prayer

I realized that I didn't write my anniversary post. Seeing as how I've said everything I need to say as how much I love Johnathan... I'm not really sure what do write about.

I think that it's a good place to start to say that I went back and read an e-mail John sent me May of last year - when we had been together only two months. He spoke of his endless love for me, and his desire that I realize that love.

It's kind of silly to me now, how I could have been so head over heels for someone in such a short time. How we've moving throughout our lives in relative peace for nine months since he wrote that. How we still feel as we did for one another in that time, stronger perhaps.

There were many who thought that we weren't going to make it. That we were in it for a rebound, for fun, and that it would dissipate just as surely and as quickly as it started. I remember an event very clearly... Sitting at work with Nate and talking about money troubles - making some comment about how if we can just hold on for six years it'll all be okay. "Yeah," says Nate "but you won't still be together then." I was shocked at this statement of, in his mind, fact. It was one thing to have my dearest Azurell remind me that the heart is a faulty thing, and to avoid basketball. To have someone completely ignore the fact that real love can exist so shortly... it stung.

I think we've shown people we are not just rebounding from prior hurts. In less than five months we will be saying our vows and acknowledging our love and commitment in a more solidified state than before.

With that, I'll end this blog with a Scottish prayer that I rather like...

Lord help us to remember when
We first met and the strong
love that grew between us.
To work that love into
practical things so that nothing
can divide us.
We ask for words both kind
and loving and hearts always
ready to ask forgiveness
as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, we put our
marriage into your hands

Monday, February 22, 2010

a manic Monday

Head - sleepy, buzzy, no pain yet.
Neck - Pain
Back - Pain
Stomach - Dying times a million
Girl parts - Also dying
Butt - muscles cramping
Legs - following butts example
Arms - Sore
Feet - Dead, arches falling.

No wonder I spent ALL weekend asleep or in semi-sleep. I missed a punch-n-pi meeting, because I slept right through it. Although I usually keep my phone under my pillow - so obviously I wasn't needed because no one sent a text or called. Oh well, my determination in that is kind of fading anyway.

More posting later on love and such... but not for now.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine's Day is for suckers

I am confused by half hour lunches and hour vto's... in which no one thinks of dear ol' me sitting at home waiting.

No one thinks of their special entry into the home where they will be greeted by chocolate covered strawberries and a glass of champagne with raspberry coulis. After kicking of shoes and relaxing for a bit they will then take part in marinated steak on home made crackers topped with caramelized onion. After a back rub they will then be feasting upon a spinach, asiago, sun dried tomato souffle with another glass of champagne/raspberry coulis. For dessert we then have a baked pear with it's self made caramel sauce and a few wonton churros. Then to walk into the room and see their valentine's present in proper presentation, and another present that they forgot about there as well snuggled on the bed all pretty like. After much hugs and thank you's we now proceed to headywhop and etc. followed by what better be some good good lovin'.

Instead of that day... We will turn to reality, where Stephanie's plans are not important. Instead of that we turn to boredom for me. We turn to leftovers for dinner and me wanting to cancel Valentine's day altogether - it'd be more efficient that way anyway. I've never tried so hard to make one person happy, nor failed so continuously.


New reality: One in which the boy decides to think of me and bring me the car home. Hurray! So I go and spend ridiculous amounts of money to make everything perfect... and then said boy reads above post after I asked him not to and planned on deleting it. Then said boy is a big enough idiot to let me know that he read it by posting a comment. Now I kind of want to kill him, myself, and cancel Valentine's day. Why the fuck did they invent such a stupid fucking holiday anyway? Why must you be SO ignorant?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

guns are fun and family's the future

I've kind of failed on the entering new, well old journal entries, haven't I? I've been failing to do much of anything these days. Waking up way too early and not having a lot of money will do that to a person I suppose. I have found a rather expensive hobby I do enjoy, shooting. It's something I didn't think I would like too terribly much, but it really is quite enjoyable and entertaining. Although for Johnathan and I both it's about $80 per trip - and that's only because we purchased a membership at the range, but it does include 200 rounds of ammo. Other than that I really want to get into scrapbooking. I've somewhat enough space to do so, and it's something which is fun and you get to look back at the times in your life that meant something to you. I recently went through my box of stuff I thought I'd be adding to a scrapbook at some time or another. I noticed that I didn't remember what the significance of a lot of the things were - and who really needs that many MAX tickets! I did get to reflect on some pretty good times, and show Johnathan old pictures of my family. I didn't think I'd have any proof of my youth, but it turns out there are a few photos I can pass down.

Johnathan was discussing the new cars he would like if he were to be able to get one. The BMW Z series, MINI Cooper, Mazda Miata... and then he commented that by the time we'll be able to buy a new car, we'll probably have kids and will need something practical. Seeing as how, technically speaking, we'd be able to buy a new car in six months or so... perhaps it was an exaggeration, I don't feel morning sickness or bigger boobs or anything. I am excited to realize that he does want a family with me. I mean, he's told me that and all, but to hear him voice it to someone else is pretty spectacular. While I am slightly apprehensive, I look forward to that portion of our lives with much hope and excitement. While I know I definitely want a family, it seems strange to think of myself and Johnathan as a mother and father. Although it seems weird to think of Johnathan as a husband too. Not in the whole I'm married to him, but the label itself. Having a fiancee is wonderful, and I am soo looking forward to being married and all, I'm just not sure how I feel about introducing Johnathan as my husband. Strange.

I'm sitting at work, going through a list of keywords, bored beyond belief. The only highlights of my day are breaks, lunch, and home. I am so fortunate to be in the same building with my sweet, and be able to see him from time to time throughout the day. Life seems a little duller on days we don't work together, and work goes by a lot slower.

Speaking of work, this new assignment I'm on is pretty difficult, it involves lots of numbers and processes which I tend to forget..or were never told in the first place. People don't really care if you were told or not when you're dealing with tens of thousands of dollars though. The job isn't very rewarding, but it is a lot better than the standard base of work over here which involves searching through keywords and looking for relevancy issues and disallowed products/content. I could be getting paid to do a lot worse things for a lot less money though, so I am okay. I'm pretty sure that's how Stream keeps all of it's employees... easy job, decent money..

Besides guns and early hours, there is nothing much of note. Spending too much money on unimportant trivialities, and too little money where it counts. That's about it.

-Til next time.