Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Why do I have to choose loving myself or loving you? I want the freedom of routine and the freedom to abolish routine. The ability to paint and shape and do to this body what I will, and still have your love. To not feel like I have to hide though I've done nothing wrong. To never have to hide, even if I had. To know your love is unconditional and strong, and deeper than the surface of this world. For you to know that mine is. And though I'll always love you, my patience is wearing thin. My love is not a contract. Not to be your flawless plaything or always at your side. Not to keep myself unblemished and serene. Not to hide away from all the world but you. My love is an oath. To love you, always. To try to understand your insanities. To be with you in all you do. To stand by you. Not to agree with you. Not to become you. Not to give up myself in pursuit of you. But I'm already gone. My small acts of self are shut down as rebellions against parental force. My wanders into other realms are held as attacks on the one we share. I'm beginning to feel like I'm drowning I beginning to give up on the hope you promised me I'm beginning to give up on me

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

A while ago, I was offered a job at an amazing school to be a preschool teacher- at the same time however, my current employer offered me a lead position. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my professional life, but as many of you know - I took the lead job. There were a variety of reasons for this, but mainly that I loved the people I work with, flexibility to attend school, and money. With John out of work and all the bills money was huge, as the bump was substantial.

Well... loving the people I work with has changed. I assumed that the relationships I'd spent the last 2 years (or 16 years) meant something and that when I got promoted people would back me up and be my friends and help me out. However instead I was met with resistance and challenges and complete attitude changes from those I'd known the longest. People I've known over half my life are now strangers. Literally because of a title at a job that none of them even want. I do not get it. But, because of this and the behavior of it I am constantly on egg shells at work. Because literally everything I do or say is being reported. So I am terrified of failure, and even though none of the people causing these feelings wanted the job, I feel like I am not good enough for it. I feel a constant tightness in my chest and uneasiness 24/7 now. I have been in a training/leadership role in every job I've ever had. I have met resistance at most of these because I'm usually the new kid on the block when I get promoted/take on new roles/responsibilities. And it's rolled right off because I didn't have connections with anyone, so I didn't care. But now I care. I know that I'm a good trainer, that I know everything I need to excel at this position, but because of others I can't shake this weight.

I haven't changed anything in my attitude or interactions other than now I have new roles, though day to day is really not different - except the attitudes of a small group of my coworkers. Like - hold the door open for everyone but let it slam in my face, turn around and walk the other way on the street - changes. I organized tons of events last year which had great participation, this year, nothing.

So work is now a place where I dread going. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something I do or say to come across in a way that will get me fired. My style has always been direct. I don't really believe in  buttering people up or kissing ass or stroking egos. And now all of the sudden I feel I have to.

Add to that being a mom to a potty training 3 year old and taking 16 credits a term, and constantly running at a financial deficit, and I'm biting John's head off because I am in constant flight or fight mode.

Also there's a mass shooting like every day. And Trump might be our president. I've literally stayed up nights fretting & trying to wrap my head around that. How and why our society is so broken that this is even a possibility.

Oliver told me not to cry about the shooters because the cops always get the bad guys...which just made it worse. What kind of world are we leaving our kids?

So yeah - work is a mess, school and kid and wifing is hard, all the while the world around me is splitting at the seams.

At least the rain sounds pretty outside.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

How many days can you be on the verge of tears, of falling apart, before you just give in and shatter into a million pieces?

Change is in the air. The power couple that is no more, the fated couple that finally said goodbye, the ordinary couple reveals what's behind closed doors. A child is diagnosed with a disease that alters the rest of her life and those around her. A friendship rekindled will have to face all of America in between.

Here I sit. Waiting for the hammer to fall. Already quadruple digits negative. Already being beat against the shore. Change whirling around me so fast and furious that the wind sucks the breath from my lungs. Move to a new town, change routine, chaos and disarray, be a mom, a wife, a student, no resources left to be a lover.

Love. Love and love and love. Let the rest of the world, the rest of the relationship, the rest of life go. Work to love me and show me you love me, and I'll work to love you and show you I love you... then the rest of this shit? It goes without saying. It is remedied without thought. We are perfected without labor, except for the labor of love.


My romantic hopelessness. If only it were really that simple. If only the power of love was an actual ability. If only true love's kiss really was the most powerful force in the world. Instead it is greed, it is chaos, it is the insurmountable entropy that only through the sheer force of our combined wills is stopped from tearing this planet we call home to the far flung corners of the galaxy. For now.

Each and every day is not a struggle to thrive, but to survive. I wish that my love was enough. I have rivers and oceans of radioactive adoration in my ample frame, rendered inert by your preconceived notions of what that means. Your expectations quell the crests and calm the seas.

All that wasted potential energy creates a deep, unsettling itch. An itch to break free. To run away. To dive into the washing waters of eternity without a second thought. Instead though... I sit. On the verge of tears. On the verge of giving up. On the verge of shattering like frozen glass.

Friday, June 12, 2015

I want you to romance me
Dance with me
Underneath the stars
Make me forget about
The lines on my face
and the scars on my heart

Make me feel twenty
ready to take on the world
Like there's no past
and no regrets

Make my body forget
it's done anything other
than enjoy every moment

get drunk with me on life
and cheap wine
run wild
have the whole world look at us
like we're madnimals

oh yes, and make up words

write me a love song
and sing it to me
even if ever so slightly
off key

braid daisy chains amidst wildflower
fields of grass and sunlight
get sticky sweet strawberry headaches
and act like the world's our stage

make me feel like for a moment
for all moments
I am your world and you
are my infinity

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Weekend Recaps

It's tough work keeping a two year old entertained. I have no idea where he is getting all of that energy! He sure must be burning a lot too, since he hasn't gained any weight since his birthday. They aren't concerned as he's grown upwards and iron and everything is good. I wish he'd eat more, and better foods but I'm trying to make the best with what he will eat. He'll eat meal bars and the like which at least are fortified with vitamins/minerals, and drink the V8 fruit/veggie blends, so at least there's that.

There was only one workout this weekend, and one rest day. I didn't do Monday's workout yet - I turned in way early since I tuckered myself out playing sled dog running around the neighborhood pulling Oliver in his wagon. By the way, flats don't make good running shoes. I wish that I could find mine, but they've been hidden since the move. In any event, I guess it's double workout today - or just count my joust around the neighborhood as exercise enough. 

I am fairly disheartened that I only lost 1.4 lbs this week. However, I seem to be getting stronger as we go along. I am worried, however, that my shoulder/neck injury I sustained from a car accident I was in a month ago is catching up to me. The last several days I've felt some nerve pain while working. Ugh. Contacted my insurance company so we'll see if I can go to a chiropractor or whatever. Guess it's back on the pills for a bit. Lame.

Saturday: 1130 calories in, none out
Sunday: 1073 calories in, 87 out.
Weekly total: 9110 calories in; average of 1301 a day. Guesstimate of 477 calories burned for the week; average of 68 a day. 

Mathematically speaking, I burn about 2000 calories a day just from life, so I should be at 5000+ calorie deficit given my numbers...which does equate to about a pound and a half. I guess it all adds up. Logic, blah. At this rate, I'll be at my goal weight in about 15 weeks.Which is a big number, and a small number at the same time. 

Numbers from this weekends workout:
Step-up Right: 23 (up 6 from day 4)
Step-up Left: 20 (up 3 from day 4)
"Jump rope":125 (up 1 from day 4)
X Squats: 26 (up 2 from day 4)
Pogo jump:  146 (up 16 from day 4)
Burpee:  12 (same as day 4)
Jumping jacks:  45 (up 5 from day 4)
Side shuffle squats:  27 (up 5 from day 4)
Star plank jumps: 31 (up 1 from day 4)

My scale may not say what I want it to say, but these numbers make me proud. Really all I want is to be strong, energetic, and able to happily chase my kid around the playground for as long as he wants. I feel like I'm on my way there. 

Talk to you guys later!

Friday, January 9, 2015

BBM-Day 5

I don't know how many of you watch Parenthood, but oh man, that was an emotional episode (watched last night's). Bring out the tissues. I am so not ready for this show to end as it really has had a huge impact on me and has helped me through some stuff. Which might be weird to say for a show but it's the truth nonetheless. 

Here are my numbers from my AM session (day 4 workout)

Step-up Right: 17 (up 3 from day 2)
Step-up Left: 17 (up 1 from day 2)
"Jump rope":124 (up 4 from day 2)
X Squats: 24 (up 3 from day 2)
Pogo jump:  130 (up 9 from day 2)

My video decided to pause/back out at this point so I had a longer break than 30 seconds, which allowed me to kill those jumping jacks!

Burpee:  12 (up 5 from day 2)
Jumping jacks:  140 (up 12 from day 2)
Side shuffle squats:  (up 1 from day 2)
Star plank jumps: 30 (up 7 from day 2)

As proud of myself as I was for waking up early to do a workout, I laid in bed for an hour from 8 til 9 trying to barter with myself to skip the nightly workout. Luckily my sound voice won out and I got her done.

PM Session (day 5 workout):

Squat Press: 24 (same as day 3)
Bent Rows: 32 (up 2)
R Liberty Lunge: 15 (up 3)
L Liberty Lunge: 12 (up 1)

I have a really hard time with balance on the liberties. If come across them again I think I'll try dropping the weight in my off hand to balance on a chair or wall.

Irish Jig: 130 (up 21!)
L Raise: 28 (up 5)
Mountain Climbers: 40 (up 7)
Plank: 34 sec. (Up 4 sec)

These videos weren't filmed in real time, it was just a recycle from day 2 and 3. Which I wasn't a fan of. Even if the exercises were the same, one thing I didn't like about 21 day fix is the first week watching the videos they were new, inspiring, etc. but the second and third weeks they started getting boring. So I hope that this isn't something she does very often. It's nice to have her say "sore from those pushups yesterday", etc. and actually have it mean yesterday, not two days ago. I guess I understand recycling from a cost perspective though as she does have a film crew, etc. so it probably would get a little spendy to do a brand new video every day for 90 days. 

Food calories in: 1036; exercise out 141. 
Unfortunately a lot of those calories were from fat & sugary foods. Stress eating, but not as bad as my OD on grease yesterday. 

In other news, no job yet for DH and it's been a week. We're officially in feeling the lack of his paycheck territory and I am terrified. However, my demon child shed some of his grumps tonight and I got some cuddles in, so all is right in the world as far as I'm concerned.

See you tomorrow!

BBM Days 3/4

This morning my hell beast was a bit sweeter. However, last night was the worst. THE worst with him. And I caved. Into a bucket of fries and some ranch. Which left me feeling gross and bloated and nasty so I didn't work out. So I got up this morning and busted out my delayed workout. The very first time *ever* that I've gotten up early to sweat it out, so I'm pretty proud of myself in that regard. But kind of feeling not so great about my eating yesterday... which we also found out the DH can't get unemployment, so we're going to have to live off my income until he gets something. If anyone knows IT firms hiring, or anywhere! please let me know.

Day 3:
Calories: 1318. Exercise: ~64.

Squat Press: 24
Bent Rows: 30
R. Liberty Lunge: 12
L. Liberty Lunge: 11
Irish Jig: 109
L Raises: 23
Mountain Climbers: 33
Plank: 30 seconds

Day 4:
The worst.
Calories: 1807 Exercise: 0

Bring it on day 5!