Wednesday, September 2, 2015

How many days can you be on the verge of tears, of falling apart, before you just give in and shatter into a million pieces?

Change is in the air. The power couple that is no more, the fated couple that finally said goodbye, the ordinary couple reveals what's behind closed doors. A child is diagnosed with a disease that alters the rest of her life and those around her. A friendship rekindled will have to face all of America in between.

Here I sit. Waiting for the hammer to fall. Already quadruple digits negative. Already being beat against the shore. Change whirling around me so fast and furious that the wind sucks the breath from my lungs. Move to a new town, change routine, chaos and disarray, be a mom, a wife, a student, no resources left to be a lover.

Love. Love and love and love. Let the rest of the world, the rest of the relationship, the rest of life go. Work to love me and show me you love me, and I'll work to love you and show you I love you... then the rest of this shit? It goes without saying. It is remedied without thought. We are perfected without labor, except for the labor of love.


My romantic hopelessness. If only it were really that simple. If only the power of love was an actual ability. If only true love's kiss really was the most powerful force in the world. Instead it is greed, it is chaos, it is the insurmountable entropy that only through the sheer force of our combined wills is stopped from tearing this planet we call home to the far flung corners of the galaxy. For now.

Each and every day is not a struggle to thrive, but to survive. I wish that my love was enough. I have rivers and oceans of radioactive adoration in my ample frame, rendered inert by your preconceived notions of what that means. Your expectations quell the crests and calm the seas.

All that wasted potential energy creates a deep, unsettling itch. An itch to break free. To run away. To dive into the washing waters of eternity without a second thought. Instead though... I sit. On the verge of tears. On the verge of giving up. On the verge of shattering like frozen glass.

Friday, June 12, 2015

I want you to romance me
Dance with me
Underneath the stars
Make me forget about
The lines on my face
and the scars on my heart

Make me feel twenty
ready to take on the world
Like there's no past
and no regrets

Make my body forget
it's done anything other
than enjoy every moment

get drunk with me on life
and cheap wine
run wild
have the whole world look at us
like we're madnimals

oh yes, and make up words

write me a love song
and sing it to me
even if ever so slightly
off key

braid daisy chains amidst wildflower
fields of grass and sunlight
get sticky sweet strawberry headaches
and act like the world's our stage

make me feel like for a moment
for all moments
I am your world and you
are my infinity

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Weekend Recaps

It's tough work keeping a two year old entertained. I have no idea where he is getting all of that energy! He sure must be burning a lot too, since he hasn't gained any weight since his birthday. They aren't concerned as he's grown upwards and iron and everything is good. I wish he'd eat more, and better foods but I'm trying to make the best with what he will eat. He'll eat meal bars and the like which at least are fortified with vitamins/minerals, and drink the V8 fruit/veggie blends, so at least there's that.

There was only one workout this weekend, and one rest day. I didn't do Monday's workout yet - I turned in way early since I tuckered myself out playing sled dog running around the neighborhood pulling Oliver in his wagon. By the way, flats don't make good running shoes. I wish that I could find mine, but they've been hidden since the move. In any event, I guess it's double workout today - or just count my joust around the neighborhood as exercise enough. 

I am fairly disheartened that I only lost 1.4 lbs this week. However, I seem to be getting stronger as we go along. I am worried, however, that my shoulder/neck injury I sustained from a car accident I was in a month ago is catching up to me. The last several days I've felt some nerve pain while working. Ugh. Contacted my insurance company so we'll see if I can go to a chiropractor or whatever. Guess it's back on the pills for a bit. Lame.

Saturday: 1130 calories in, none out
Sunday: 1073 calories in, 87 out.
Weekly total: 9110 calories in; average of 1301 a day. Guesstimate of 477 calories burned for the week; average of 68 a day. 

Mathematically speaking, I burn about 2000 calories a day just from life, so I should be at 5000+ calorie deficit given my numbers...which does equate to about a pound and a half. I guess it all adds up. Logic, blah. At this rate, I'll be at my goal weight in about 15 weeks.Which is a big number, and a small number at the same time. 

Numbers from this weekends workout:
Step-up Right: 23 (up 6 from day 4)
Step-up Left: 20 (up 3 from day 4)
"Jump rope":125 (up 1 from day 4)
X Squats: 26 (up 2 from day 4)
Pogo jump:  146 (up 16 from day 4)
Burpee:  12 (same as day 4)
Jumping jacks:  45 (up 5 from day 4)
Side shuffle squats:  27 (up 5 from day 4)
Star plank jumps: 31 (up 1 from day 4)

My scale may not say what I want it to say, but these numbers make me proud. Really all I want is to be strong, energetic, and able to happily chase my kid around the playground for as long as he wants. I feel like I'm on my way there. 

Talk to you guys later!

Friday, January 9, 2015

BBM-Day 5

I don't know how many of you watch Parenthood, but oh man, that was an emotional episode (watched last night's). Bring out the tissues. I am so not ready for this show to end as it really has had a huge impact on me and has helped me through some stuff. Which might be weird to say for a show but it's the truth nonetheless. 

Here are my numbers from my AM session (day 4 workout)

Step-up Right: 17 (up 3 from day 2)
Step-up Left: 17 (up 1 from day 2)
"Jump rope":124 (up 4 from day 2)
X Squats: 24 (up 3 from day 2)
Pogo jump:  130 (up 9 from day 2)

My video decided to pause/back out at this point so I had a longer break than 30 seconds, which allowed me to kill those jumping jacks!

Burpee:  12 (up 5 from day 2)
Jumping jacks:  140 (up 12 from day 2)
Side shuffle squats:  (up 1 from day 2)
Star plank jumps: 30 (up 7 from day 2)

As proud of myself as I was for waking up early to do a workout, I laid in bed for an hour from 8 til 9 trying to barter with myself to skip the nightly workout. Luckily my sound voice won out and I got her done.

PM Session (day 5 workout):

Squat Press: 24 (same as day 3)
Bent Rows: 32 (up 2)
R Liberty Lunge: 15 (up 3)
L Liberty Lunge: 12 (up 1)

I have a really hard time with balance on the liberties. If come across them again I think I'll try dropping the weight in my off hand to balance on a chair or wall.

Irish Jig: 130 (up 21!)
L Raise: 28 (up 5)
Mountain Climbers: 40 (up 7)
Plank: 34 sec. (Up 4 sec)

These videos weren't filmed in real time, it was just a recycle from day 2 and 3. Which I wasn't a fan of. Even if the exercises were the same, one thing I didn't like about 21 day fix is the first week watching the videos they were new, inspiring, etc. but the second and third weeks they started getting boring. So I hope that this isn't something she does very often. It's nice to have her say "sore from those pushups yesterday", etc. and actually have it mean yesterday, not two days ago. I guess I understand recycling from a cost perspective though as she does have a film crew, etc. so it probably would get a little spendy to do a brand new video every day for 90 days. 

Food calories in: 1036; exercise out 141. 
Unfortunately a lot of those calories were from fat & sugary foods. Stress eating, but not as bad as my OD on grease yesterday. 

In other news, no job yet for DH and it's been a week. We're officially in feeling the lack of his paycheck territory and I am terrified. However, my demon child shed some of his grumps tonight and I got some cuddles in, so all is right in the world as far as I'm concerned.

See you tomorrow!

BBM Days 3/4

This morning my hell beast was a bit sweeter. However, last night was the worst. THE worst with him. And I caved. Into a bucket of fries and some ranch. Which left me feeling gross and bloated and nasty so I didn't work out. So I got up this morning and busted out my delayed workout. The very first time *ever* that I've gotten up early to sweat it out, so I'm pretty proud of myself in that regard. But kind of feeling not so great about my eating yesterday... which we also found out the DH can't get unemployment, so we're going to have to live off my income until he gets something. If anyone knows IT firms hiring, or anywhere! please let me know.

Day 3:
Calories: 1318. Exercise: ~64.

Squat Press: 24
Bent Rows: 30
R. Liberty Lunge: 12
L. Liberty Lunge: 11
Irish Jig: 109
L Raises: 23
Mountain Climbers: 33
Plank: 30 seconds

Day 4:
The worst.
Calories: 1807 Exercise: 0

Bring it on day 5!

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

BBM - Day Two

Yesterday was an okay day, DH did well on his assessment and has a possible web design job lined up, but in Seattle, so that's kind of unfortunate as the company is wanting him to drive there. I am hopeful that we'll have *something* soon, even if it's just unemployment.
Food-wise I did okay, though I did have pizza for dinner and fruitcake dessert. Even so, total caloric intake for the day was 1460, with about 95 calories burned in exercise; so net under 1400 which is pretty good and still puts me at weight loss.
I'm feeling a bit hungrier today than I have been the last couple of days, which is hopefully indicative of an increase in my metabolism as I've actually been moving the last couple of days. I am curious as to how accurate the caloric burn estimate is as well. The workouts haven't been terribly long, but they are obviously effective. Just ask my quadriceps that can't work today and have me limping around the office. Though for MyFitnessPal it's all about the cardio, and it goes off of time not movements or mileage so that's obviously skewed somewhat as well. The options around that are to buy additional equipment (FitBit or one of their other sponsored trackers) which I'm not really about. Oh well, it does give me an estimated look and that's really all it can be.
From watching Bikini Body Mommy videos it looks like she does a blend of strength and cardio in each work out, regardless of what style she's aiming for for the day, which I suppose works since cardio burns the fat and strength builds the muscle. Maybe 90 days will be enough to build a habit. 21 obviously wasn't. It works out nicely of course that I likely will be sporting a bikini in 90 days or so, taking a vacation to somewhere where the sun is shining. I hope we're able to get away, even for only a weekend. To be honest though, even if I stick with it for the full 90 days I know I'll want to give myself permission then to really let loose, and I'll say just for a day but it'll turn into two and then five, etc. I really hope to not let that happen this time around, and to keep it super restricted until I hit my goal, then adjust for maintenance.
My numbers from day two:
Step-up Right: 14
Step-up Left: 16
"Jump rope": 120
X Squats: 21
Pogo jump: 121
Burpee: 7
Jumping jacks: 26 (I hit my failure point during burpees)
Side shuffle squats: 21
Star plank jumps: 23
I feel fairly good about those numbers and am excited to see how much improvement is possible. I watched day three already, and it seems tough, given the fact that currently, walking is tough.
See you guys tomorrow!

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

1200 Calorie Meal Plan Success

Well, back on the wagon sure feels a lot like sore quads. Ha! In other news, I think I've cracked the lo-cal mystery of how to not be hungry.

Breakfast: Meal replacement shake (190)
Snack: 1 medium banana (105)
Lunch: 14 baby carrots, 2 Tbsp. hummus (120)
Snack: 1 small gala apple (55)

Bam! Your day without hunger, and it's vegetarian too - so yay? I seriously think the secret is that carrots take forever to eat and are super crunchy.

Then of course I go home and eat a pretty decent dinner. Last night it was fish tacos, delicious! But you've got 700+ calories to play with depending on exercise so you can still go out with friends, have a drink, or whatever without feeling like you're undoing anything. Which for me, is a win.

Dinner: 3 fish tacos in corn tortillas with cabbage and siracha mayo sauce: 717.

Since I was then at my goal and completed my fit test (which was brutal but earned me an extra 90 calories), I had a few peppermint kisses for good measure. (98)

My fit test stats (amount in 50 seconds):

Squat Press: 23
Tricep Dips: 15
Jump Squats: 18
Pushups: 3
R Lunge Kick:10
L Lnge Kick: 11
Mountain Climbers: 16
Plank: 27 seconds

Sadly, these aren't that bad for what I consider my baseline. I mean, I did 3 whole push ups. So obviously, I still have some residual strength in there somewhere. I feel like this style of workout video is pretty awesome, like where she's actually heavily breathing and having to pause, etc like you know, a real person. Tonight is cardio, woo! (SARCASM) I seriously hate cardio. So, so much. Yet I realize its importance for weight loss and endurance so I guess I'll do it. Maybe.

When did this become a fitness blog?

In other news my kid is still a demon beast, but at least I got some giggles out of him this morning! Husband had a second interview today, please send all of the good vibes our way.

See you tomorrow!