Here I am just two days away from my 22nd birthday. It feels strange to be trapped in this body and mind. Definitely not an adult, but so far away from a child. I wonder, what will make the adult side complete? Is it a house, matching dinnerware, a child? Will I still feel incomplete and childish after all the things I hope to accomplish have come to fruition? I can't imagine me feeling complete. Solid. It's just this thing that I put in front of myself to keep on going. A carrot dangled on a stick. I've been chasing it for so long, I don't think I can even imagine the taste anymore. So many things are off kilter, so many things so ridiculously undone. I look at those around me and am so envious. Of either their togetherness or their freedom. I am envious of those that have their own homes, solid foundations of a career. I am envious of those who have nice apartments and a significant other who knows how to work. You site examples of all you've been through as justification that it'll all be okay, it'll all work out. As much as I'd like to believe, I don't. I just ... I can't. I'm not with someone who will do whatever it takes to support a family. I'm just not. That's something I have to live with, and have to deal with every day. Someone who is completely content with less than mediocrity. I'm not willing to eat one meal every three days to make it through, and I shouldn't have to do that. We're not starting from square one here. Together we have 6 years of college experience, two degrees. We should be able to have jobs which more than support ourselves and our family. The lowest 10% in his degree field average 70k a year, the median is $113k. Yet, we're in poverty - fighting and struggling to make ends meet. Living paycheck to paycheck. . . when he should be bringing in more than both of us are currently making combined. It's just, frustrating.
I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole. Go back to school and finish my degree - right, with what money? With what time? Let's say somehow I get just enough money to finish school and still cover my ass to live on, then what? I make double my husband? Sure, money fights will exist regardless but with our individual habits... you think giving him an allowance will fix anything?
I wish that this whole monetary system didn't exist. That I traded my work for housing, food, clothing and the like directly. That the world somehow was able to function on a barter system. Then we wouldn't have these issues.
I'm so ready to embrace my future. To leave this nonsense in the past. To have someone by my side who strives for excellence. To be more than mediocre.
To be, happy.