Sometime between 4 and 9 weeks from right now, Oliver will be born. I feel ... terrified. I thought that the birth wouldn't be a big deal, I mean I've got the basics of breathing down, I've researched for hours... Now as we're closing in I'm thinking holy shit I should have taken a real class, not just an online class but a real practice and ask questions and learn more class. So I go to find one and they're pretty much all full and the ones that are available will be ending right at D-Day and so who knows if I'll even get to finish. So, I'm worried about the actual physical having him.
Then I've got 6 weeks or so off of work, unpaid. Which means that only the most essential of things will be able to be paid. Let's hope we're at least caught up by then. Then we've got $400 a month in child care, $100 in diapers+wipes, thank God breastfeeding is healthier than formula! One of our roommates is moving out, which is a good thing, but it also will up our rent. Then there's the actual medical bills... oi! And our food stamps expire this month and we make too much to renew.
I have to figure out how to breastfeed, pump at work and store the milk, get a sleeping cycle down, manage the finances... I think the weight issue will either just shed away like nothing... or go no where as I down twelve pounds of chocolate a day to keep the stress at bay. Then there's the John gets freaked out by babies and can't stand the crying issue... which is a whole other thing on it's own. Although from talking with other gents on the subject, apparently it's a D-day miracle that turns them from scared boys into fathers. We shall see.
I've never had a child, so I can't say whether or not I'll want another one. I can say that I don't really think I'd want to go through this again. I think if I get that idea in my head maybe I'll come back and read through this and go "oh, let's just adopt." I mean, with the giant-ness, swollen feet, nausea, heartburn, constipation&diarrhea, hemorrhoids, complete loss of sex drive, having to pee every five seconds, missing so much work with doctor's appointments, being exhausted all the time, stretch marks surrounding my entire torso, and having to keep reminding everyone "slow and steady wins the race" when walking in groups, when we all know that's not true. So there...future self contemplating making more babies, take that into consideration. Nine months of it.
There of course, is the other side of the coin. The I can't wait to meet my little angel side. The I've wanted a child since I was a child and here so soon I can taste it I'll have one. Each week seems to be shorter and shorter than the last, though I've heard the last few take ages. I can imagine that. I'm already become anxious to see him, to hold him. I want to set up everything, wash his clothes and bottles and get everything in its right place but I'm postponing because I know as soon as it's totally ready for him I'll want him to show up. As long as everything is still boxed and bagged and ready but not quite then it still feels like it's a ways off, like he's still brewing. He very much so is, of course.
He's only four pounds and seventeen inches. Not quite plump enough yet, as he'll be about 6.3 pounds when first considered full term and around 7.5 pounds and 20 inches on his due date. My own birth came at the 35 week mark, so I'm slightly nervous of that date, only two weeks away. Every contraction I feel now makes me wonder if it's time - though they've just been painless and very inconsistent thus far.
Hopefully everything will go smoothly and I'll start having real contractions at 5pm Friday the 24th and I'll go home and hang out until they're 5 minutes apart and then drive on over to the hospital and call my grandparents and maybe do a Facebook post and then I'll hang out for a bit and then squat and he'll pop right out and that will be that. If only life worked on our desires.
Well, that's it for now I suppose. I've got a breastfeeding class on the 10th, which hopefully will help alleviate some of my concerns in that regard. As for the rest, we can only take it one day at a time.