I love you.
I really, really do.
I love the way you smell like sexy peanut butter when you're running on day old deodorant.
I love the way you smell like home when you're fresh from the shower.
I love the way I can breathe you in on my skin, your pillow, our bedding, after you leave for work in the morning.
I love the way our smells mingle and mix and dance with one another to make something deliciously us.
I love the way your hand feels on the small of my back.
I love the way your fingers feel as they trace a patch of skin
I love the way you make all of my nerve endings stand at attention, and beg for it.
I love the way your lips graze mine
I love that reassuring kiss on my forehead that spins the world around and makes everything feel safe.
I love the tightness of your grasp when our fingers interlock
I love your lips in all their curvy, juicy, deliciousness.
I love the dents, speckles, freckles, and moles that make your landscape uniquely you
I love the way your hair falls in your face
I love the innocence you seem to have right after you shave.
I love looking in your eyes and seeing forever
I love that you are mine, no matter how frustrated you make me
I love that you look at the world with the wisdom of an elder simultaneously with the naivety of a child.
I love you. No matter how many times I might feel unsure, no matter how many times I'll yell the contrary. I love you completely, utterly, ridiculously, childishly, always. You are my forever, you are my one and only. You. Y-O-U. It's said too much perhaps, to really have true meaning. You tell me you love me to try and kill an argument, to try and soften the blow as you beg for forgiveness for another of your mistakes. So, it may very well be that all of the above doesn't have the impact that it should. But...
I love you.
I really, really do.
Showing posts with label John. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
what's been up for the past month
Here we are again, the anniversary post. The only thing lately I've been posting at all. The dream posts kind of died out before they really got started, my sleeping schedule is wonky now so I'm trying to get every minute I can - which usually results with me falling back asleep as soon as possible without recording anything. And, by the time I'm actually up for good, there isn't much of a good recollection left worth anything.
Life is good these days, though still busy and less than perfect monetarily. Johnathan received a pretty big acknowledgment at work, which resulted in quite a bit of money in Amazon gift certificates. After buying an outfit, a microwave for the folks, a vacuum cleaner, and some facial products - it's just about gone. Johnathan of course had to buy a motorcycle riding outfit which was a pretty significant chunk of that. I managed to use some of that to buy a pretty awesome mother's day gift, I won't say what it is here just in case the mother decides to read - but, I think it rocks. I hope she'll agree. I'll hopefully be able to get a couple more outfits, a hair dryer, and some loaf pans out of the remaining balance.
Speaking of loaf pans... I'm pretty excited that I received an Amish bread starter today from a coworker. In 10 days I should have some pretty tasty bread - and three starters to give away - let me know if you want one! If I keep it going, I should have delicious bread every 10 days, and three more starters to give away (unless I go crazy and bake a bunch of loafs). If Johnathan likes the bread I'll try to keep it going for, forever I guess.
Johnathan thinks he needs a motorcycle... he bought the outfit as I mentioned above (boy those specialty items are EXPENSIVE) and has worked out a deal with a friend to buy a bike. The only thing is that we can't afford it, and it makes me super nervous to have him riding one. 22 is much to young to be a widow. Maybe I'll get used to it, and even ride with him... but I doubt it. They kind of scare me... a lot.
With the Nintendo, guns, musical instruments, car stuff, etc. etc. piling up around us - you think the boy would take a break and be content with his life for just a moment. He's got this drive to learn, experience, and do just about everything. And none of it is free... which sucks for our wallets, but I guess is good for his mind. Which brings me to his anniversary present, but... I just can't decide what he'd like more... I think I've got it narrowed down to one though.
We need to clean out all of the stuff we have amassed throughout the past few years. We've got closets of stuff, clothes we've outgrown, things that haven't been used in at least a year. Have space for a garage sale, maybe you're in the same boat? Let me know!
I can't believe in three short months we will have been married a year. It does not seem all that long ago we were standing on the beach. We still haven't gone through our wedding photos yet! I desperately want to get some printed out - and hung on the wall. We've got my bouquet, and a bell, and his message in a bottle, that are all waiting for a place to be displayed and look awesome. A shrine of our love... but, something less creepy than the word 'shrine'.
Johnathan is really looking forward to getting a house with some friends in October. However, they've all got animals. And while I'm okay with another cat, or a bunny - I am very apprehensive about two full grown dogs. Very. As in, it's not going to happen unless their owner keeps them outside. I'm not against puppies, I love them... it's just that my cats are skiddish as is around new people, and they don't seem to get along well with other cats (although I know that changes after exposure), I couldn't even imagine them being okay with two giant, slobbering, clamoring beasts. I guess I'll let them have a meet and greet before I absolutely shut it down, but I can't see it going well. I am all for us getting a puppy when we get a house, something small and child-like that the cats will be able to grow into a bit before it becomes a giant thing. And, while it would be okay to have that many roommates as long as the house was big, I'd much rather try and find something John and I can afford just me and him and that will support a young one...
Johnathan talked things over with some management and I *think* he finally made the impression that he's tired of being stepped on and under appreciated for all the work he does and the awesome stats he has. It looks like that might lead to him getting a promotion pretty soon. Fingers crossed! We could use the little bit of extra cash flow, and he deserves the credit. Though, really, a manager position would be more suited to him, or something in HR, but... this is Stream we're talking about here. A management position would give us enough of a boost to start to pay off debt and save up money quickly...and if we played our cards right, would be enough for me to drop down to part time. (Here's hoping!)
I'm focusing so much on planning out everything we need to start this whole life thing going. Everything that I want to do, every milestone that should be accomplished. I can't help but feel like nothing is going to go anywhere for the next four years... and it makes me pretty sad. I think back on my life, where I hoped to be by now, and I'm so far behind. I'm glad that I didn't make these huge life decisions earlier, but I did have a partner who wanted them and was in a place where it was feasible. Now, there's no way I can even fathom having any money in the bank on pay day, let alone save up enough to furnish a house or put a down payment on one.
Tis life, I know... and I am so much in love, which helps. It still makes me feel like I need to do something to change it. To shake things up, to make things happen. I want to move forward instead of sitting on this stationary bike day after day, month after month, year after year. I know that good things come to those that wait, but I've waited. For what feels like so very, very long... In due time, in due time. Waiting for that breakthrough, that ah-ha moment, where something clicks in his mind and we're all of the sudden shifted from boy to man. From Pokemon to portfolios, apartment to house, sports cars to sedans, spending into saving, danger to diapers.
I am blessed to have Johnathan in my life. I look it him sometimes and am amazed by how much I love him, how much more we have to live in this life. Our life, and our dreams supersede my own. So, for now... we will continue on this circular loop, this roundabout of stagnation. Loving, living, and laughing when we can. There are plenty of exits, but it appears it's going to take more than idle conversations for that blinker to be turned on, and even more to adjust the wheel.
I'm ready when you are my love.
♥ 4 months ♥ 9 months ♥ 25 months ♥
Life is good these days, though still busy and less than perfect monetarily. Johnathan received a pretty big acknowledgment at work, which resulted in quite a bit of money in Amazon gift certificates. After buying an outfit, a microwave for the folks, a vacuum cleaner, and some facial products - it's just about gone. Johnathan of course had to buy a motorcycle riding outfit which was a pretty significant chunk of that. I managed to use some of that to buy a pretty awesome mother's day gift, I won't say what it is here just in case the mother decides to read - but, I think it rocks. I hope she'll agree. I'll hopefully be able to get a couple more outfits, a hair dryer, and some loaf pans out of the remaining balance.
Speaking of loaf pans... I'm pretty excited that I received an Amish bread starter today from a coworker. In 10 days I should have some pretty tasty bread - and three starters to give away - let me know if you want one! If I keep it going, I should have delicious bread every 10 days, and three more starters to give away (unless I go crazy and bake a bunch of loafs). If Johnathan likes the bread I'll try to keep it going for, forever I guess.
Johnathan thinks he needs a motorcycle... he bought the outfit as I mentioned above (boy those specialty items are EXPENSIVE) and has worked out a deal with a friend to buy a bike. The only thing is that we can't afford it, and it makes me super nervous to have him riding one. 22 is much to young to be a widow. Maybe I'll get used to it, and even ride with him... but I doubt it. They kind of scare me... a lot.
With the Nintendo, guns, musical instruments, car stuff, etc. etc. piling up around us - you think the boy would take a break and be content with his life for just a moment. He's got this drive to learn, experience, and do just about everything. And none of it is free... which sucks for our wallets, but I guess is good for his mind. Which brings me to his anniversary present, but... I just can't decide what he'd like more... I think I've got it narrowed down to one though.
We need to clean out all of the stuff we have amassed throughout the past few years. We've got closets of stuff, clothes we've outgrown, things that haven't been used in at least a year. Have space for a garage sale, maybe you're in the same boat? Let me know!
I can't believe in three short months we will have been married a year. It does not seem all that long ago we were standing on the beach. We still haven't gone through our wedding photos yet! I desperately want to get some printed out - and hung on the wall. We've got my bouquet, and a bell, and his message in a bottle, that are all waiting for a place to be displayed and look awesome. A shrine of our love... but, something less creepy than the word 'shrine'.
Johnathan is really looking forward to getting a house with some friends in October. However, they've all got animals. And while I'm okay with another cat, or a bunny - I am very apprehensive about two full grown dogs. Very. As in, it's not going to happen unless their owner keeps them outside. I'm not against puppies, I love them... it's just that my cats are skiddish as is around new people, and they don't seem to get along well with other cats (although I know that changes after exposure), I couldn't even imagine them being okay with two giant, slobbering, clamoring beasts. I guess I'll let them have a meet and greet before I absolutely shut it down, but I can't see it going well. I am all for us getting a puppy when we get a house, something small and child-like that the cats will be able to grow into a bit before it becomes a giant thing. And, while it would be okay to have that many roommates as long as the house was big, I'd much rather try and find something John and I can afford just me and him and that will support a young one...
Johnathan talked things over with some management and I *think* he finally made the impression that he's tired of being stepped on and under appreciated for all the work he does and the awesome stats he has. It looks like that might lead to him getting a promotion pretty soon. Fingers crossed! We could use the little bit of extra cash flow, and he deserves the credit. Though, really, a manager position would be more suited to him, or something in HR, but... this is Stream we're talking about here. A management position would give us enough of a boost to start to pay off debt and save up money quickly...and if we played our cards right, would be enough for me to drop down to part time. (Here's hoping!)
I'm focusing so much on planning out everything we need to start this whole life thing going. Everything that I want to do, every milestone that should be accomplished. I can't help but feel like nothing is going to go anywhere for the next four years... and it makes me pretty sad. I think back on my life, where I hoped to be by now, and I'm so far behind. I'm glad that I didn't make these huge life decisions earlier, but I did have a partner who wanted them and was in a place where it was feasible. Now, there's no way I can even fathom having any money in the bank on pay day, let alone save up enough to furnish a house or put a down payment on one.
Tis life, I know... and I am so much in love, which helps. It still makes me feel like I need to do something to change it. To shake things up, to make things happen. I want to move forward instead of sitting on this stationary bike day after day, month after month, year after year. I know that good things come to those that wait, but I've waited. For what feels like so very, very long... In due time, in due time. Waiting for that breakthrough, that ah-ha moment, where something clicks in his mind and we're all of the sudden shifted from boy to man. From Pokemon to portfolios, apartment to house, sports cars to sedans, spending into saving, danger to diapers.
I am blessed to have Johnathan in my life. I look it him sometimes and am amazed by how much I love him, how much more we have to live in this life. Our life, and our dreams supersede my own. So, for now... we will continue on this circular loop, this roundabout of stagnation. Loving, living, and laughing when we can. There are plenty of exits, but it appears it's going to take more than idle conversations for that blinker to be turned on, and even more to adjust the wheel.
I'm ready when you are my love.
♥ 4 months ♥ 9 months ♥ 25 months ♥
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
it's official!
Today Johnathan and I went and filled out the necessary paperwork to become official husband and wife.
It was kind of surreal writing "Stephanie Michelle Addison" for the first time. That is definitely going to take some getting used to. It's fitting, I suppose, that tomorrow marks five months since our wedding. I cannot believe that it's almost been half of a year since we set out on the beach in front of our friends and family... and yet, so much has happened in such a short time.
I am so happy that we are actually making things legal and that I'll be able to stop hearing "So, uh, when you changing your name?" I am blessed to have such a person as Mr. Johnathan Addison in my life. I cannot wait for all the wonders that the future holds for us. Houses and babies, and hopefully less broken cars...
We may not be a movie made love story, but we are definitely a love story.
♥ Here's to another five months, five years, five decades. ♥
It was kind of surreal writing "Stephanie Michelle Addison" for the first time. That is definitely going to take some getting used to. It's fitting, I suppose, that tomorrow marks five months since our wedding. I cannot believe that it's almost been half of a year since we set out on the beach in front of our friends and family... and yet, so much has happened in such a short time.
I am so happy that we are actually making things legal and that I'll be able to stop hearing "So, uh, when you changing your name?" I am blessed to have such a person as Mr. Johnathan Addison in my life. I cannot wait for all the wonders that the future holds for us. Houses and babies, and hopefully less broken cars...
We may not be a movie made love story, but we are definitely a love story.
♥ Here's to another five months, five years, five decades. ♥
Monday, March 8, 2010
reality
We walk through life and a surrounded by a myriad of choices. Do we know which ones lead ultimately down the right path? I think in our heart, our soul, we do. We know that the choices we make will turn through the world like they do. Why then, do we make negative choices? Why do we hurt those we love enough to make them feel like a relationship just isn't worth the pain? To test them? To test ourselves? While it is I that gave in, I do not forgive you. I will not forget. We included a verse from the Bible on love on our invitations, but I've never once believed in that verse. I don't think anyone ever has. Maybe fools.
Love is demanding.
Love is cruel
It is always envious,
it will always boast,
it is unfailingly proud.
It is inconsiderate,
it is selfish,
it is quick tempered,
it never forgets.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with lies.
It always leaves you exposed,
always disputes,
always doubts,
always perseveres.
Know it. As I have known it, as you have known it. As anyone who has felt its thorns will know it. We all know these things, yet we still ignore them. Or we forget, time slowly degrading our memory of the past until we come to see love as something to hold on to - to seek. We slowly forget that love is not happiness, but pain. Just as hope is pain, just as faith is pain. Without hope there is no disappointment; without faith, no regrets.
It takes so long for these wounds you carve into my chest to heal. You always find their scars after they've just finished healing, and know how to rip them open once more. That brief point in time when they are healed, when I am whole... it is still worth it to me. Eventually, I can't guarantee it will be. Eventually, the wounds you inflict will take too long to heal. The cuts opened too many times will cease to clot and scar over. I'll be left with an open wound in my chest that you can no longer fix.
It is your choice, the fate of my heart. You alone hold the ability to crush or enlighten it. You can heal these wounds completely, and diminish the scars to nothing. Or you can break me completely. It is up to you. I hope that you can choose to reinstill in me the belief that love, faith, and hope are things to be cherished. I pray that you do not ruin everything we've built thus far. Yet, you are stubborn and steadfast in your ways. If you remain as you've been we cannot last. I hope that I am worth changing for, that you can alter your foolish beliefs and ways. If not, that is your prerogative. I do not hold you here against your will. I do not wish for you to be anything other than what you are - what you are at times, what you can be.
I will do my best to hold on to you. To love you as I have. To be what you need me to be. I promise that I will flourish if tended well. I can promise that not a seriously ill word will come between us. You claim it is good that we fight, that it means we still care.
I hope you can come to show me you care without breaking my heart. Even after we broke up Clint and I fought. I don't think that means we still cared enough to be in the relationship - we simply were done with each other. Fighting does not mean that you care... it just means that you fight. You are cold, calculating, and cruel. Yes, you are also sweet, caring, and loving. Which makes it worth it.
I will be here with you as long as I can. I would like very much for that to be forever.
Love is demanding.
Love is cruel
It is always envious,
it will always boast,
it is unfailingly proud.
It is inconsiderate,
it is selfish,
it is quick tempered,
it never forgets.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with lies.
It always leaves you exposed,
always disputes,
always doubts,
always perseveres.
Know it. As I have known it, as you have known it. As anyone who has felt its thorns will know it. We all know these things, yet we still ignore them. Or we forget, time slowly degrading our memory of the past until we come to see love as something to hold on to - to seek. We slowly forget that love is not happiness, but pain. Just as hope is pain, just as faith is pain. Without hope there is no disappointment; without faith, no regrets.
It takes so long for these wounds you carve into my chest to heal. You always find their scars after they've just finished healing, and know how to rip them open once more. That brief point in time when they are healed, when I am whole... it is still worth it to me. Eventually, I can't guarantee it will be. Eventually, the wounds you inflict will take too long to heal. The cuts opened too many times will cease to clot and scar over. I'll be left with an open wound in my chest that you can no longer fix.
It is your choice, the fate of my heart. You alone hold the ability to crush or enlighten it. You can heal these wounds completely, and diminish the scars to nothing. Or you can break me completely. It is up to you. I hope that you can choose to reinstill in me the belief that love, faith, and hope are things to be cherished. I pray that you do not ruin everything we've built thus far. Yet, you are stubborn and steadfast in your ways. If you remain as you've been we cannot last. I hope that I am worth changing for, that you can alter your foolish beliefs and ways. If not, that is your prerogative. I do not hold you here against your will. I do not wish for you to be anything other than what you are - what you are at times, what you can be.
I will do my best to hold on to you. To love you as I have. To be what you need me to be. I promise that I will flourish if tended well. I can promise that not a seriously ill word will come between us. You claim it is good that we fight, that it means we still care.
I hope you can come to show me you care without breaking my heart. Even after we broke up Clint and I fought. I don't think that means we still cared enough to be in the relationship - we simply were done with each other. Fighting does not mean that you care... it just means that you fight. You are cold, calculating, and cruel. Yes, you are also sweet, caring, and loving. Which makes it worth it.
I will be here with you as long as I can. I would like very much for that to be forever.
Monday, January 25, 2010
a bit of the past
I'm thinking that I should go back through my old journals that I have and write them out. Store them for safe keeping in the electronic world. It would also give people...person, I don't know... the chance to see who I was before I got this whole thing up and running. Before I was compelled by a Mr. Johnathan Lee to start my own blog or else explode. Bet you didn't know you were the reason? Actually you probably did.
I'll begin this process once I am moved into my new apartment 100%, or at least when my journally things make their way over.
Speaking of moving, we've got so much moving left to do! John keeps saying it'll get done, but I'm starting to have doubts. Not like we have much choice in the matter though. Right now we've got the living room and kitchen half moved. Everything else hasn't been touched other than grabbing essentials. However, the place is wrecked! There are papers thrown everywhere, and so much stuff! I think that we'll end up having quite a bit to give to Goodwill, and another lot to throw away. We need to get some sort of filing system in place because there are lots of important documents that need to be kept that are currently strewn about.
February 1st. That's the day we're looking forward to. Two full time checks with prorated rent. Yes! Enough to catch up on bills, pay all the ones due, and give my lawyer his retention fee thing. Tax returns to cover the rest of the bankruptcy and then huzzah! The past can actually be the past. Thank goodness. Last year I spent my tax return paying down my debt so that I only had 2k. Now, just one year later, I'm looking at 28k. Joy. It would have been a lot more fun of a year had I been responsible for that massive increase. Oh well.
On to bigger, brighter, and better things. Right kids?
I'll begin this process once I am moved into my new apartment 100%, or at least when my journally things make their way over.
Speaking of moving, we've got so much moving left to do! John keeps saying it'll get done, but I'm starting to have doubts. Not like we have much choice in the matter though. Right now we've got the living room and kitchen half moved. Everything else hasn't been touched other than grabbing essentials. However, the place is wrecked! There are papers thrown everywhere, and so much stuff! I think that we'll end up having quite a bit to give to Goodwill, and another lot to throw away. We need to get some sort of filing system in place because there are lots of important documents that need to be kept that are currently strewn about.
February 1st. That's the day we're looking forward to. Two full time checks with prorated rent. Yes! Enough to catch up on bills, pay all the ones due, and give my lawyer his retention fee thing. Tax returns to cover the rest of the bankruptcy and then huzzah! The past can actually be the past. Thank goodness. Last year I spent my tax return paying down my debt so that I only had 2k. Now, just one year later, I'm looking at 28k. Joy. It would have been a lot more fun of a year had I been responsible for that massive increase. Oh well.
On to bigger, brighter, and better things. Right kids?
Friday, January 22, 2010
it's been 10 months
It's that time again. The time when I get to look back and reflect over where I've been and how I've grown myself, and in my relationship over the past month.
The past couple days have been really good for John and I. He told me his going to open up his past - that I'll finally be able to know everything he's never wanted to share before. I really want to jump right into the parts I've been questioning ever since we got together, but I'm taking things slow. Already I've learned more. Another fabulous development - he brushed his teeth in front of me! I know this isn't going to seem big for any of you, but it is. He's more comfortable doing anything else in front of me, and I haven't been in the room the entire time we've been together. He just kicks me out of the bathroom and locks the door, just to be safe. Last night he said that it was all open.
It's taken us ten months to come this far. I was instantly open with him, he just has that type of personality. For most people, I do to. People tell me things, confess parts of themselves easily to me. I'm not sure why, but John just didn't. He has been secretive and vague about so very, very much. It will be nice to get to know him. Which, you know, is a good thing seeing has how we're getting married exactly six months from now.
Wow! That's a ridiculously short amount of time when you think about it. I mean, it feels like just yesterday I was calling Az asking to crash at her place because my date and I forgot it was Sunday. It feels like just last week when I received adulturous kisses on the back of my neck while browsing Powell's... but let's not think about that now!
I hope that everything can work out. That this new found openness lasts and doesn't fade like so much else in life. I hope that he can really open up to me, let me in where no one else has been before. I crave intimacy, connection, truth. I need to be trusted, to be deemed worthy. I need to know the man I'm marrying.
I love working here now, with John. There's a reason to show up, there's a reason to stay. Even though it's only an hour a day - well, less with the walking and such... but still - it seems to make everything worth while.
I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. *606*Forever*
The past couple days have been really good for John and I. He told me his going to open up his past - that I'll finally be able to know everything he's never wanted to share before. I really want to jump right into the parts I've been questioning ever since we got together, but I'm taking things slow. Already I've learned more. Another fabulous development - he brushed his teeth in front of me! I know this isn't going to seem big for any of you, but it is. He's more comfortable doing anything else in front of me, and I haven't been in the room the entire time we've been together. He just kicks me out of the bathroom and locks the door, just to be safe. Last night he said that it was all open.
It's taken us ten months to come this far. I was instantly open with him, he just has that type of personality. For most people, I do to. People tell me things, confess parts of themselves easily to me. I'm not sure why, but John just didn't. He has been secretive and vague about so very, very much. It will be nice to get to know him. Which, you know, is a good thing seeing has how we're getting married exactly six months from now.
Wow! That's a ridiculously short amount of time when you think about it. I mean, it feels like just yesterday I was calling Az asking to crash at her place because my date and I forgot it was Sunday. It feels like just last week when I received adulturous kisses on the back of my neck while browsing Powell's... but let's not think about that now!
I hope that everything can work out. That this new found openness lasts and doesn't fade like so much else in life. I hope that he can really open up to me, let me in where no one else has been before. I crave intimacy, connection, truth. I need to be trusted, to be deemed worthy. I need to know the man I'm marrying.
I love working here now, with John. There's a reason to show up, there's a reason to stay. Even though it's only an hour a day - well, less with the walking and such... but still - it seems to make everything worth while.
I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. *606*Forever*
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tools at work are down...
So we've got solitare playing, craigslist searching MSN agents milling around waiting for a magical e-mail telling us to get back to work. It's been three hours - I'm caught up on web comics, have shopped ModCloth's new arrivals, and looked at tons of honeymoon spots - Now I shall blog!
I am thinking of self publishing a compilation of my works. I don't know if it'll sell, but apparently it's a publish as it sells company that just takes a cut from your sales. You don't sell and they don't get money - or at least that's how it seems. Double checked to make sure they don't take rights from you if you go through them too, so it seems good. I'll probably start workshopping myself until everything feels right. Then again, it'll all probably go nowhere.
I want to be better. A better partner, a better friend. I want to have a better lifestyle and a better body. I just want to make a hundred small adjustments to make things the best they can be for the current situation. I want better eating habits and better sex. A better (cleaner) home, and better cats. Better skin, better nails, and better clothes. Not perfect, not end game, just better.
John has a job! It's with Hewlett Packard doing desktop support and limited sales. It's not great work, and it tends to go against John's basic beliefs... but, it pays pretty decently for an entry level position and it gets us to a place where we can survive. That's definitely better!
Life is (hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood) getting better. Smoothing out. Routines, stability. No more emotional insanity, no more outbursts. Love, happiness, survival. There are definitely things which haven't seen marked improvement in over six months... or not sustained improvement. It seems that it's just going to fall more. Well, it's sad - but it happens, I guess.
December 21st seems to be the date we're looking forward to. One full time check of mine, and a part time one from John. We'll be able to get Christmas presents and pay all the bills and maybe...breath.
Until then my... one reader... I bid you all the happiness in the world.
I am thinking of self publishing a compilation of my works. I don't know if it'll sell, but apparently it's a publish as it sells company that just takes a cut from your sales. You don't sell and they don't get money - or at least that's how it seems. Double checked to make sure they don't take rights from you if you go through them too, so it seems good. I'll probably start workshopping myself until everything feels right. Then again, it'll all probably go nowhere.
I want to be better. A better partner, a better friend. I want to have a better lifestyle and a better body. I just want to make a hundred small adjustments to make things the best they can be for the current situation. I want better eating habits and better sex. A better (cleaner) home, and better cats. Better skin, better nails, and better clothes. Not perfect, not end game, just better.
John has a job! It's with Hewlett Packard doing desktop support and limited sales. It's not great work, and it tends to go against John's basic beliefs... but, it pays pretty decently for an entry level position and it gets us to a place where we can survive. That's definitely better!
Life is (hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood) getting better. Smoothing out. Routines, stability. No more emotional insanity, no more outbursts. Love, happiness, survival. There are definitely things which haven't seen marked improvement in over six months... or not sustained improvement. It seems that it's just going to fall more. Well, it's sad - but it happens, I guess.
December 21st seems to be the date we're looking forward to. One full time check of mine, and a part time one from John. We'll be able to get Christmas presents and pay all the bills and maybe...breath.
Until then my... one reader... I bid you all the happiness in the world.
Monday, November 23, 2009
it's been 8 months
Well, it's that time again. The anniversary post! So it's now been 8 months since I was convinced by a certain vulcan that being in a relationship with him was the right thing to do. Eight months (and one day) ago I sat there - jaded, confused - and contemplated whether I wanted another serious relationship. I didn't, but I also didn't want to lose what felt like an amazing and life changing thing. So I went for it. And, well, the rest is history. We definitely squabble but we always end up being okay. There seems to be no hill we cannot climb. Things look deary, but there is light up ahead. I love you Johnathan Lee. I will, always.
"Though lovers be lost, love shall not. And death shall have no dominion." -- And Death Shall Have No Dominion - Dylan Thomas
"Though lovers be lost, love shall not. And death shall have no dominion." -- And Death Shall Have No Dominion - Dylan Thomas
Saturday, November 14, 2009
The bigger the star, the faster it dies.
It is indeed a stressful time here in Paradise. With a feeling of being alone even when he's with me, and the usual drama... it's was a long day yesterday indeed. Somehow we got into a fight over the past...again. I'm not entirely even sure how it escalated the way it did other than a complete clashing of moral code. So I got the story that he'd been so desperately trying to tell me. I can only agree with - or bend my code to accommodate for 2 of his prior 7, or 8, or 9... I'm not sure which. A Sara and a Sarah... a Rachel that was included but not. So who knows? And when you start climbing into numbers that high, what does it even matter. Except for those two, every other person was against what I hold to believe as right. I understand the why, I do... and cannot blame a person for it. I know that not all hold themselves to such standards as I do myself. I understand the physical need, the want to please a partner, the want to feel needed and loved, and like you have the capacity for such inside yourself. So I am given the choice to get over it or get over him. Well, I never was planning on holding on to such things. It's more the lying that I don't like. The excuses, the trying to param in just the right thing to make each lie work within a prior lie and all to serve his agenda - whatever it may be at the time. He calls it differing perspectives, changing daily as he changes. I call it a load of crap. He hopes that I can trust him... Honestly, all I can say is that trust has to be earned - and once lost is not easily regained.
He will admit that I am not the love of his life - but says he does not believe - or doesn't have the capacity to feel as such. That he has loved others as much as he does me now, and that each one of us he has given himself completely to. Perhaps he doesn't believe in soul mates - I don't think he does. He says if I were to die, even if we were married for over 20 years, that he would love someone again, as much as he does me now. With such a fleeting definition and constraint, how do I know he will not find this next great love while I am still in the picture? He says he fell in love with the girl he cheated on Emily with. That he would have gladly spent his life with her. For something so purely based on physical, and in such a transgressional way... what do I really matter to him? The only way he could ease my mind would be to travel back in time and reevaluate his situation I suppose. The only way for me to not be feeling as I am is if he had said what I feel as truth, that he was not in love with her. Just because you fuck someone doesn't mean you love them. Apparently I've found myself one of those guys, of which there are many, that believes it does. That believes that the emotional hangs on the physical - or perhaps not even believes this as such, but knows it. Or rather, it is linked in the subconscious of which they may be unawares. I will tell you this. You cannot be in love with someone after knowing them for two days. No matter how much those two days will mean to you, it is not something you can do. You may fall in love with the idea of the matter, of how they portray themselves, of what things may be. You simply cannot love them enough to say you would spend the rest of your life with them after two days. Why did you say so little of Rachel? I have a feeling it was because you realized that you are a physical being. That you do not have to be in love to be with someone sexually ... that your very structure and foundation upon which you build your tales is nothing more than a rotten and termite infested plank.
I'm done arguing the matter. I know the truth of what is at hand. Now I am faced with the choice of whether or to call him foolish and naive or call him a liar. He is most definitely and irrefutably one of the two. . . But, which one?
If I call him foolish and naive, then I can hope that he will mature and will realize the facts as I do. If I call him a liar, than this is one too many times and the entire basis of our relationship is flawed. If he is foolish and naive I can stay with him. If he is a liar I cannot.
Perhaps I'm blind. Perhaps it's another one of the effects of the Addison poison. Perhaps I just don't want to know. Whatever it is... for now, frustrated and amazed and dumbfounded as I am... I will call him foolish. I will call him naive. I hope that he will understand his... perspective as such, with time look back and apologize the hell he put me through. For the lies he wove, unbeknown to him. I know that in taking this stance I show foolishness and naivety myself... but what choice do I really have?
In astrology we learned, the bigger the star the faster it "dies." I hope that this is not the same of love. The greater the love, the greater the passion, the quicker the flame is blown out to reveal reality. If that is the case I will have to simply hang up my hat. For I will not settle for a lessor love so that I may have forever, and I will not chase a great love to be so burned in the wake of its nova. So then, if this is the case I will choose no love.
I hope that this is not the case. That he will learn and grow and change and understand and comprehend the outlandishness of it all. That he will realize a new capacity for love. That he will find me to be the love of his life, his soul mate, the one that he loves above all past, present, and future. For if he does not... if he cannot... I'm not sure what I can do.
He will admit that I am not the love of his life - but says he does not believe - or doesn't have the capacity to feel as such. That he has loved others as much as he does me now, and that each one of us he has given himself completely to. Perhaps he doesn't believe in soul mates - I don't think he does. He says if I were to die, even if we were married for over 20 years, that he would love someone again, as much as he does me now. With such a fleeting definition and constraint, how do I know he will not find this next great love while I am still in the picture? He says he fell in love with the girl he cheated on Emily with. That he would have gladly spent his life with her. For something so purely based on physical, and in such a transgressional way... what do I really matter to him? The only way he could ease my mind would be to travel back in time and reevaluate his situation I suppose. The only way for me to not be feeling as I am is if he had said what I feel as truth, that he was not in love with her. Just because you fuck someone doesn't mean you love them. Apparently I've found myself one of those guys, of which there are many, that believes it does. That believes that the emotional hangs on the physical - or perhaps not even believes this as such, but knows it. Or rather, it is linked in the subconscious of which they may be unawares. I will tell you this. You cannot be in love with someone after knowing them for two days. No matter how much those two days will mean to you, it is not something you can do. You may fall in love with the idea of the matter, of how they portray themselves, of what things may be. You simply cannot love them enough to say you would spend the rest of your life with them after two days. Why did you say so little of Rachel? I have a feeling it was because you realized that you are a physical being. That you do not have to be in love to be with someone sexually ... that your very structure and foundation upon which you build your tales is nothing more than a rotten and termite infested plank.
I'm done arguing the matter. I know the truth of what is at hand. Now I am faced with the choice of whether or to call him foolish and naive or call him a liar. He is most definitely and irrefutably one of the two. . . But, which one?
If I call him foolish and naive, then I can hope that he will mature and will realize the facts as I do. If I call him a liar, than this is one too many times and the entire basis of our relationship is flawed. If he is foolish and naive I can stay with him. If he is a liar I cannot.
Perhaps I'm blind. Perhaps it's another one of the effects of the Addison poison. Perhaps I just don't want to know. Whatever it is... for now, frustrated and amazed and dumbfounded as I am... I will call him foolish. I will call him naive. I hope that he will understand his... perspective as such, with time look back and apologize the hell he put me through. For the lies he wove, unbeknown to him. I know that in taking this stance I show foolishness and naivety myself... but what choice do I really have?
In astrology we learned, the bigger the star the faster it "dies." I hope that this is not the same of love. The greater the love, the greater the passion, the quicker the flame is blown out to reveal reality. If that is the case I will have to simply hang up my hat. For I will not settle for a lessor love so that I may have forever, and I will not chase a great love to be so burned in the wake of its nova. So then, if this is the case I will choose no love.
I hope that this is not the case. That he will learn and grow and change and understand and comprehend the outlandishness of it all. That he will realize a new capacity for love. That he will find me to be the love of his life, his soul mate, the one that he loves above all past, present, and future. For if he does not... if he cannot... I'm not sure what I can do.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Why today isn't the best day ever.
Today I woke up and went to fill out some DHS paperwork that I have to get into them so we can continue to get food stamps. Since in October I made some actual money - there's a chance we might not continue getting food stamps, or get a much more reduced amount. I'm hoping I can talk our case lady into letting us keep them.... since w/o them we're totally fucked.
In addition, for some reason I'm not sure of the employment department has denied my benefits. I need to call them and figure out why, and what I can do to get them. I'm working 20 hours a week -- making LESS than my UI insurance was. It would have been better for me just to not have a job...
Our bills for the month... phone, rent, w/s/g, electric, etc. are 100.76% of John and my combined income. Which means that there is absolutely no wiggle room... None. However, even with throwing whatever else (gas, food > FS, etc.) onto credit cards (which I hate doing!) we'll still be that .76% short. Not too terribly much, but still.
John is crazy super sick. Like... death. He coughed up blood and is crazy congested. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do except put cough drops and the like on CC and hope that he gets better.
The Mazda... well you know about that.
Debt in general. We're barely staying afloat, and a large portion of that is because of CC and car payments. Without them, all we'd have to worry about is phone/internet/tv/rent/w-s-g/electric. I tried to consolidate all of the debts (totaling close to 10k) into one loan so I could pay it off at hopefully a lower monthly payment and free up CCs for those 'just in case' moments. However, because of the amount of debt I have - and the Mazda's late payments, I was denied.... so we'll keep charging stuff on CCs to stay alive because we're spending so much on payments.... Ah, now I see why people say to avoid the mother fuckers.
I'm thinking of looking into claiming bankruptcy. Yes, it would fuck my credit for seven years, but I need to do it before John and I get married if I'm going to do it. I need to pay off car first though, because I can't get that repossessed.
Did I mention we're planning a wedding? Somehow I have a feeling that it's not going to happen. I mean, see all the above and tell me how to pull over 4k out of that? You can't. I can only hope that we get a lot more help than expected.
John still doesn't have a job. He says that he's looking and applying everywhere, but there's hardly a callback. He hasn't even been on one interview since he was laid off in April. Not one. This is rather depressing as I've had half a dozen interviews and two separate jobs since then. Stream is ramping up again - so we'll see.
To top it all off, I'm freaking out and John's telling me to have faith. Have faith that his plan will magically happen. I have faith that if we don't pay rent we'll get evicted, I have faith that if he doesn't get employed by ... next week we're fucked. He seems to think everything will be okay - but I just don't see it. So he's being an ass about me being upset, because that's helpful.
Good things? UH... right.
I have a job. It's not doing anything but fucking me over for now... but it should flip to full time soon - which will help if John gets a job too- because we'll lose some if not all of food stamps once that happens.
The check I wrote my grandparents for rent hasn't gone through yet. This is our main saving grace for making it through November. If they had cashed it when I wrote it then we'd have no money at all for any bills. With that still in the air we'll be able to make it through November... unless of course they cash it soon... In which case triple fucked. However, I can't bear to ask them not to, they're not doing too terribly hot themselves I don't think. I'll just roll with it and see what happens.
Love. Yeah, love is good. It's nice to be able to turn to my fiancé and know that we're together regardless how the chips fall. It's put a lot of strain on everything worrying about money and plans and such, but we're still together. If I had to go through this alone, I think I would have given up by now.
In addition, for some reason I'm not sure of the employment department has denied my benefits. I need to call them and figure out why, and what I can do to get them. I'm working 20 hours a week -- making LESS than my UI insurance was. It would have been better for me just to not have a job...
Our bills for the month... phone, rent, w/s/g, electric, etc. are 100.76% of John and my combined income. Which means that there is absolutely no wiggle room... None. However, even with throwing whatever else (gas, food > FS, etc.) onto credit cards (which I hate doing!) we'll still be that .76% short. Not too terribly much, but still.
John is crazy super sick. Like... death. He coughed up blood and is crazy congested. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do except put cough drops and the like on CC and hope that he gets better.
The Mazda... well you know about that.
Debt in general. We're barely staying afloat, and a large portion of that is because of CC and car payments. Without them, all we'd have to worry about is phone/internet/tv/rent/w-s-g/electric. I tried to consolidate all of the debts (totaling close to 10k) into one loan so I could pay it off at hopefully a lower monthly payment and free up CCs for those 'just in case' moments. However, because of the amount of debt I have - and the Mazda's late payments, I was denied.... so we'll keep charging stuff on CCs to stay alive because we're spending so much on payments.... Ah, now I see why people say to avoid the mother fuckers.
I'm thinking of looking into claiming bankruptcy. Yes, it would fuck my credit for seven years, but I need to do it before John and I get married if I'm going to do it. I need to pay off car first though, because I can't get that repossessed.
Did I mention we're planning a wedding? Somehow I have a feeling that it's not going to happen. I mean, see all the above and tell me how to pull over 4k out of that? You can't. I can only hope that we get a lot more help than expected.
John still doesn't have a job. He says that he's looking and applying everywhere, but there's hardly a callback. He hasn't even been on one interview since he was laid off in April. Not one. This is rather depressing as I've had half a dozen interviews and two separate jobs since then. Stream is ramping up again - so we'll see.
To top it all off, I'm freaking out and John's telling me to have faith. Have faith that his plan will magically happen. I have faith that if we don't pay rent we'll get evicted, I have faith that if he doesn't get employed by ... next week we're fucked. He seems to think everything will be okay - but I just don't see it. So he's being an ass about me being upset, because that's helpful.
Good things? UH... right.
I have a job. It's not doing anything but fucking me over for now... but it should flip to full time soon - which will help if John gets a job too- because we'll lose some if not all of food stamps once that happens.
The check I wrote my grandparents for rent hasn't gone through yet. This is our main saving grace for making it through November. If they had cashed it when I wrote it then we'd have no money at all for any bills. With that still in the air we'll be able to make it through November... unless of course they cash it soon... In which case triple fucked. However, I can't bear to ask them not to, they're not doing too terribly hot themselves I don't think. I'll just roll with it and see what happens.
Love. Yeah, love is good. It's nice to be able to turn to my fiancé and know that we're together regardless how the chips fall. It's put a lot of strain on everything worrying about money and plans and such, but we're still together. If I had to go through this alone, I think I would have given up by now.
Monday, November 2, 2009
the moon and hormones
Between hormones and the full moon I'm not sure which is having more of an influence. I feel grumpy, irritable, out of touch, and apathetic. I want to go do something - but I don't care what, and my bed seems like a good place to be.
On a happier note, this year's Halloween was fantastic. Falling on a Saturday gave a lot of room for enjoyment for the whole weekend. There was drama at both events, and I'm sure not everyone had a good time, but I did and stayed away from all dramatic happenings. Key events include virginity being lost and 12 year olds puking from drunkenness. Yeah, some times things just happen at parties I guess.
I am really worried for some people very close to me, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I know how both sides of the picture are seeing the events and feelings, but it's kind of a not my business ordeal, even though I feel like it is.
As I near closer to my wedding day with each passing moment, I realize that things don't magically turn into fairy tales just because you want them to. Sometimes, things fade from a once sheeny glaze. The things we wish for are often not received. Not to say I am unhappy necessarily, just that things could be better. There could be more togetherness, we could be more in sync as we once were. Things could be brighter for our future, the world could look less grim. There could be more money and more free time, and more helping hands. There could be more employment and aspiration for greatness. There could be less apathy and more ambition. There could be less formality, and more spontaneity; less ruts and more passion. More structure without sacrificing freedom. The felt presence of a guiding hand. More faith, more truth, more love, more hope.
On a happier note, this year's Halloween was fantastic. Falling on a Saturday gave a lot of room for enjoyment for the whole weekend. There was drama at both events, and I'm sure not everyone had a good time, but I did and stayed away from all dramatic happenings. Key events include virginity being lost and 12 year olds puking from drunkenness. Yeah, some times things just happen at parties I guess.
I am really worried for some people very close to me, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I know how both sides of the picture are seeing the events and feelings, but it's kind of a not my business ordeal, even though I feel like it is.
As I near closer to my wedding day with each passing moment, I realize that things don't magically turn into fairy tales just because you want them to. Sometimes, things fade from a once sheeny glaze. The things we wish for are often not received. Not to say I am unhappy necessarily, just that things could be better. There could be more togetherness, we could be more in sync as we once were. Things could be brighter for our future, the world could look less grim. There could be more money and more free time, and more helping hands. There could be more employment and aspiration for greatness. There could be less apathy and more ambition. There could be less formality, and more spontaneity; less ruts and more passion. More structure without sacrificing freedom. The felt presence of a guiding hand. More faith, more truth, more love, more hope.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
mac & cheese is tasty
As I start to write this, one Mr. Kitty comes and decides to cuddle me. What could be better than that?
Life's been crazy lately, and I often don't know where to turn. There are so many whirlwinds passing around me. I do have good times though, so it'll all work out, I hope.
Money. Root of all evil. Something trivial and yet humanity places such a great value on it. With the system abolished, or with more in hand, everything would be just fine.
I went to the Tillamook Cheese Macaroni and cheese cook off. There was so much tasty food goodness. It was a free event, and I got a glass of wine, and so much food I was stuffed to the brim. The lady I voted for whose Mac&Cheese was OhMyGoodness good, didn't win - or even place, so that was kind of lame, but oh well.
Went to the pumpkin patch in North Plains yesterday with Brittany and Danny. It was pretty fun, and I enjoyed myself. We gave Britt a lot of crap for being super happy an excited, but I think she made the day. We took lots of video that'll be posted...eventually I'm sure. I'm really excited for Halloween, even though I don't have a costume super planned out. It'll be fun regardless.
John sold his computer, and went and got a lesser model. But... we only came out having an extra $120, and then he bought a midi controller for $40, so...yeah. Don't know if it's worth it really.
I don't know if there's even a point to updating ... because things are always the same with such minor variations.
Le Sigh. Off to see if Oregon can give me money now.
Life's been crazy lately, and I often don't know where to turn. There are so many whirlwinds passing around me. I do have good times though, so it'll all work out, I hope.
Money. Root of all evil. Something trivial and yet humanity places such a great value on it. With the system abolished, or with more in hand, everything would be just fine.
I went to the Tillamook Cheese Macaroni and cheese cook off. There was so much tasty food goodness. It was a free event, and I got a glass of wine, and so much food I was stuffed to the brim. The lady I voted for whose Mac&Cheese was OhMyGoodness good, didn't win - or even place, so that was kind of lame, but oh well.
Went to the pumpkin patch in North Plains yesterday with Brittany and Danny. It was pretty fun, and I enjoyed myself. We gave Britt a lot of crap for being super happy an excited, but I think she made the day. We took lots of video that'll be posted...eventually I'm sure. I'm really excited for Halloween, even though I don't have a costume super planned out. It'll be fun regardless.
John sold his computer, and went and got a lesser model. But... we only came out having an extra $120, and then he bought a midi controller for $40, so...yeah. Don't know if it's worth it really.
I don't know if there's even a point to updating ... because things are always the same with such minor variations.
Le Sigh. Off to see if Oregon can give me money now.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I'm not pregnant and I have a job.
Well, I peed on a stick - negative result. That's relieving, but not sure what's going on then with the sore boobs and the hormonal crazies and the constant annoying fatigue. Testing again later this month if a ness doesn't happen.
Work tomorrow begins my part time employment. This is going to be lame, because for some reason my manager didn't listen to me or something so I have a Mon.-Fri. 9:00am-1:00pm schedule. I'm also going to be making less than my prior unemployment was. Hopefully I can get some of that back though. Also, hopefully I can change to work 9:00am-6:00pm Mon-Wed. and have a wonderfully long weekend.
I'm hoping that everything will all be okay, but I'm feeling like it's just not going to be. The Mazda apparently doesn't exist anymore - the place it got towed to shut down without letting anyone know. That reminds me, I need to call the Police Department tomorrow to see what I can do with that.
I tried to get a loan with First Tech to consolidate all of the debt I've got going on, but because of the Mazda I was unable to do so. This is going to make paying for the wedding really hard. However, it appears that my grandparents are going to be helping even though they told me no way they'd be able to. This opens up a little bit more optionality for us. If they cover the location, we'll be able to do catering - which will allow us to have a lot more relaxation.
Relaxation would be nice. I've been stretched to the breaking point, and feel like my depression is starting to beat me. It's been to the point where I'm starting to feel totally deadened. Oh, there's panic, pain, worry. I did get excited while looking at wedding spots.
I think that I would be feeling a lot better if there were equal contributions coming in. I've been working 40 hours a week and John's been....? One day last week he did some laundry and picked up a little bit. However, I've been working all day for a month. His unemployment is hardly anything. In addition, he's spending ridiculous amounts of money. While I may have some debt that was before him - he's been piling on way way more debt than money he's bringing in. Makes me feel like he's taking advantage of me in a way. With the wedding to plan and so much debt in addition to the Mazda bringing us down with it we should be spending absolutely nothing and throwing anything we have into the debts. Instead, John's spending on credit cards and we're not able to pay bills. I understand not wanting to settle, but come on! I worked at Target for fuck's sake. He won't even apply to Subway or anywhere else that he doesn't think is...what? Good enough for him? I don't know. Something HAS to happen, otherwise this just isn't going to work long-term. Eventually something will break. It just will, and it doesn't matter how hard we try to keep it together.
John's reaction to the potential pregnancy was enough to tell me things aren't totally perfect. I'm freaking out - but because we don't have insurance and John doesn't have a job. John's freaking out because it means he'll "have to be an adult."
Le sigh.
Work tomorrow begins my part time employment. This is going to be lame, because for some reason my manager didn't listen to me or something so I have a Mon.-Fri. 9:00am-1:00pm schedule. I'm also going to be making less than my prior unemployment was. Hopefully I can get some of that back though. Also, hopefully I can change to work 9:00am-6:00pm Mon-Wed. and have a wonderfully long weekend.
I'm hoping that everything will all be okay, but I'm feeling like it's just not going to be. The Mazda apparently doesn't exist anymore - the place it got towed to shut down without letting anyone know. That reminds me, I need to call the Police Department tomorrow to see what I can do with that.
I tried to get a loan with First Tech to consolidate all of the debt I've got going on, but because of the Mazda I was unable to do so. This is going to make paying for the wedding really hard. However, it appears that my grandparents are going to be helping even though they told me no way they'd be able to. This opens up a little bit more optionality for us. If they cover the location, we'll be able to do catering - which will allow us to have a lot more relaxation.
Relaxation would be nice. I've been stretched to the breaking point, and feel like my depression is starting to beat me. It's been to the point where I'm starting to feel totally deadened. Oh, there's panic, pain, worry. I did get excited while looking at wedding spots.
I think that I would be feeling a lot better if there were equal contributions coming in. I've been working 40 hours a week and John's been....? One day last week he did some laundry and picked up a little bit. However, I've been working all day for a month. His unemployment is hardly anything. In addition, he's spending ridiculous amounts of money. While I may have some debt that was before him - he's been piling on way way more debt than money he's bringing in. Makes me feel like he's taking advantage of me in a way. With the wedding to plan and so much debt in addition to the Mazda bringing us down with it we should be spending absolutely nothing and throwing anything we have into the debts. Instead, John's spending on credit cards and we're not able to pay bills. I understand not wanting to settle, but come on! I worked at Target for fuck's sake. He won't even apply to Subway or anywhere else that he doesn't think is...what? Good enough for him? I don't know. Something HAS to happen, otherwise this just isn't going to work long-term. Eventually something will break. It just will, and it doesn't matter how hard we try to keep it together.
John's reaction to the potential pregnancy was enough to tell me things aren't totally perfect. I'm freaking out - but because we don't have insurance and John doesn't have a job. John's freaking out because it means he'll "have to be an adult."
Le sigh.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Autumn's here!
It is officially autumn! Hurray to the changing leaves, the rain, and the calming of the nerves and softening of the tummies. I brought the season in tonight with the most amazing group of people. The fire smell, the crisp air, the pretty dress, the lovely people... it was perfect (except for missing one very important person who stayed home and ...?)
I cannot explain how much I love my friends. Even ones I don't know all too terribly well, like Brook and Ike are still fantastic and I would miss them greatly if they were ever removed from such events/circles/etc.
I played Scribblenauts for quite a long while. It was amazingly fun and yet aggravating.
I should be in bed right now, as I have to be at work in 7.5 hrs... but I cannot sleep for thoughts mulling in my head.
I realized that there are people who love me, who love John, and are happy to see us together. I mean... I knew that before, of course, but for some reason it just clicked tonight on how much this is the case.
I realized that if it were up to me to pick who the best man would be, it would have been someone there tonight -- not someone who completely is against John and I getting married in the first place. Those people are more John's friends than Corey has shown himself to be in the last six months... and I don't think that's going to change. If anything Corey and John will fall further apart and John and the boys will grow closer together. Oh, and boys, I am not object to this being facilitated by you either....
When a friend says that they'll do whatever I need/want them to, it's pretty fantastic. Because of who I know, I'm getting pictures, cake, and video for my wedding for free. Well, I'll have to pay for the development of pictures and an album and what not...but otherwise yeah. I could get a band as well, probably. I am blessed to know such talented people.
Actually, I wonder if Trevor will make it, I'd love nothing more than for him to play for us.
The boys planned out an adorable bachelor party for John. Even though he is opposed to the idea of having such a party, hopefully they can trick him into it.
We're getting sent off for the evening with a Roman candle salute. Apparently it only takes four people to make a fantastic show that would bring to tears to my newly married eyes I'm sure.
Downside of tonight, a firework landed on my pretty sundress and now there is a circular smudge of... gunpowder/ash/burn that I don't know if I'll be able to undo.
I believe that the wedding planning has for the most part commenced. We need finishing touches on colors, and that's it. The rest is just saving money for the tulling, chairs, arch, flowers, food, and suit/tux rental.
I know, I know...there's a blog for that, but still it's important in the events of the evening. They interweave.
Anyway ... I love you Nate, Ike, Mouse, Brook. I am in love with you Johnathan Addison.
I am starting to feel like things are in an upswing. . . it's kind of scary.
Oh well, at least we have Corey to fight about to keep drama... I mean how is he going to give a speech if he doesn't think John and I are right for each other and doesn't want John to marry me at all ever...?
Have to be AT work in 7 hours....
Goodnight!
I cannot explain how much I love my friends. Even ones I don't know all too terribly well, like Brook and Ike are still fantastic and I would miss them greatly if they were ever removed from such events/circles/etc.
I played Scribblenauts for quite a long while. It was amazingly fun and yet aggravating.
I should be in bed right now, as I have to be at work in 7.5 hrs... but I cannot sleep for thoughts mulling in my head.
I realized that there are people who love me, who love John, and are happy to see us together. I mean... I knew that before, of course, but for some reason it just clicked tonight on how much this is the case.
I realized that if it were up to me to pick who the best man would be, it would have been someone there tonight -- not someone who completely is against John and I getting married in the first place. Those people are more John's friends than Corey has shown himself to be in the last six months... and I don't think that's going to change. If anything Corey and John will fall further apart and John and the boys will grow closer together. Oh, and boys, I am not object to this being facilitated by you either....
When a friend says that they'll do whatever I need/want them to, it's pretty fantastic. Because of who I know, I'm getting pictures, cake, and video for my wedding for free. Well, I'll have to pay for the development of pictures and an album and what not...but otherwise yeah. I could get a band as well, probably. I am blessed to know such talented people.
Actually, I wonder if Trevor will make it, I'd love nothing more than for him to play for us.
The boys planned out an adorable bachelor party for John. Even though he is opposed to the idea of having such a party, hopefully they can trick him into it.
We're getting sent off for the evening with a Roman candle salute. Apparently it only takes four people to make a fantastic show that would bring to tears to my newly married eyes I'm sure.
Downside of tonight, a firework landed on my pretty sundress and now there is a circular smudge of... gunpowder/ash/burn that I don't know if I'll be able to undo.
I believe that the wedding planning has for the most part commenced. We need finishing touches on colors, and that's it. The rest is just saving money for the tulling, chairs, arch, flowers, food, and suit/tux rental.
I know, I know...there's a blog for that, but still it's important in the events of the evening. They interweave.
Anyway ... I love you Nate, Ike, Mouse, Brook. I am in love with you Johnathan Addison.
I am starting to feel like things are in an upswing. . . it's kind of scary.
Oh well, at least we have Corey to fight about to keep drama... I mean how is he going to give a speech if he doesn't think John and I are right for each other and doesn't want John to marry me at all ever...?
Have to be AT work in 7 hours....
Goodnight!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I'm engaged
Apparently my snooping and finding out about the engagement didn't frustrate the desire, merely the operation. Today I jumped in the shower and was just standing under the facet getting toasty when in jumps John. Nothing out of the ordinary there, we actually have taken to showering together more than apart, just in case you needed that tid bit of information.
John hugs me and is all smoochy and such (yay love!). Then he said...something, I honestly don't remember now what that something was and holds up the ring in both his hands and asks. In case you couldn't tell from prior posts and things, I said yes.
I'm like *squee* *dance* *jumps* and then more little happy actions in happy little asterisks.
The ring needs to be sized because I have tiny midget hands, and should be ready by 9/9/9. Coolness.
I am now officially the future Mrs. Johnathan Addison.
Wow.
John hugs me and is all smoochy and such (yay love!). Then he said...something, I honestly don't remember now what that something was and holds up the ring in both his hands and asks. In case you couldn't tell from prior posts and things, I said yes.
I'm like *squee* *dance* *jumps* and then more little happy actions in happy little asterisks.
The ring needs to be sized because I have tiny midget hands, and should be ready by 9/9/9. Coolness.
I am now officially the future Mrs. Johnathan Addison.
Wow.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
it's been 5 months, Oh these violent delights.
So it's been five months now (and three days, but who's counting?). There have been a lot of confusing, agonizing, and doubtful moments during the past month. Emily it seems is still an issue. I can't help but be curious, especially when Brittany reads her blog and randomly informs me that there's a post which makes sense to be about John or I or the both of us. Today was such a time and on the cusp of me being sure I heard John say "I love you Emily" instead of "I love you Stephanie" I was not in a super open minded mood. So the posts do seem to fit John and myself for the vast majority, but all I have to take is his word as no names are given.
It appears that John does indeed have a job at Fry's, or will very shortly. This is super good news. We'll up our income and maybe be able to crawl out of debt and poverty and fly happily along. As for Target, well, I'm not exactly thrilled to be working there. It seems like once I learn how to use all the equipment then it'll be cake. Not easy, necessarily on the standing on the feet forever and getting all nasty part of things, but on the here make this look pretty a monkey could do this part of things.
Latest drama? Engagement. John was being super suspicious, and I voiced these suspicions to Brittany. She agreed with them and we went about our giddy way. After some bra shopping to celebrate Brittany and I now having the exact same boobular size, we headed to the grandparents. Suspicions were shared with them as well. They were happy and such, and then someone - I don't remember who - said I could just check. So, me ... being the girl that I am did. Hurray, suspicions confirmed! Then speaking to John on the phone letting him know what was up, he was like "So the card company might call to verify a charge" which duh gave it away. So I was like, yeah, I know. (Yes I am aware of the fail.) So then John feels like everything in the world fails and it doesn't matter anymore and all this jazz. He's upset and says that it won't be special or a surprise and tells me his whole plan he had (which would have been awesome). So then he's saying that now he's not going to ask my grandpa, or anything, and he doesn't even know if he's going to do it any time soon. Fail.
Although, I did tell him a few months back he had to wait until we'd been dating for 9 months before doing that anyway - and that a year would be just about perfect. Was this more for societal and friendship approval, or my own? I'm not really sure on that matter to be honest. When you know that you've met the one for you, then you know. If it happens only with a short amount of time, then it does. I've always been one to say that if you know you want to be with them forever, then propose, what's the use in waiting. If you feel the need to wait to get married, that's fine.
Then again, Clint and I were engaged and look how that turned out. I truly believed that we'd be together always, and now I wouldn't trade Johnathan for anything. So... love is stupid and always confusing. You knew that already, didn't you?
I know very few things. I cannot foresee the future with John, and that bothers him. I know what I want to have happen based on the current circumstances we are in, and that is it. I am not a mind reader, a fortune teller. I am not a saint. I am simply a girl floating through the world.
And just because.... Excerpt from Romeo and Juliet.
ROMEO
Amen, amen! but come what sorrow can,
It cannot countervail the exchange of joy
That one short minute gives me in her sight:
Do thou but close our hands with holy words,
Then love-devouring death do what he dare;
It is enough I may but call her mine.
FRIAR LAURENCE
These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite:
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.
It appears that John does indeed have a job at Fry's, or will very shortly. This is super good news. We'll up our income and maybe be able to crawl out of debt and poverty and fly happily along. As for Target, well, I'm not exactly thrilled to be working there. It seems like once I learn how to use all the equipment then it'll be cake. Not easy, necessarily on the standing on the feet forever and getting all nasty part of things, but on the here make this look pretty a monkey could do this part of things.
Latest drama? Engagement. John was being super suspicious, and I voiced these suspicions to Brittany. She agreed with them and we went about our giddy way. After some bra shopping to celebrate Brittany and I now having the exact same boobular size, we headed to the grandparents. Suspicions were shared with them as well. They were happy and such, and then someone - I don't remember who - said I could just check. So, me ... being the girl that I am did. Hurray, suspicions confirmed! Then speaking to John on the phone letting him know what was up, he was like "So the card company might call to verify a charge" which duh gave it away. So I was like, yeah, I know. (Yes I am aware of the fail.) So then John feels like everything in the world fails and it doesn't matter anymore and all this jazz. He's upset and says that it won't be special or a surprise and tells me his whole plan he had (which would have been awesome). So then he's saying that now he's not going to ask my grandpa, or anything, and he doesn't even know if he's going to do it any time soon. Fail.
Although, I did tell him a few months back he had to wait until we'd been dating for 9 months before doing that anyway - and that a year would be just about perfect. Was this more for societal and friendship approval, or my own? I'm not really sure on that matter to be honest. When you know that you've met the one for you, then you know. If it happens only with a short amount of time, then it does. I've always been one to say that if you know you want to be with them forever, then propose, what's the use in waiting. If you feel the need to wait to get married, that's fine.
Then again, Clint and I were engaged and look how that turned out. I truly believed that we'd be together always, and now I wouldn't trade Johnathan for anything. So... love is stupid and always confusing. You knew that already, didn't you?
I know very few things. I cannot foresee the future with John, and that bothers him. I know what I want to have happen based on the current circumstances we are in, and that is it. I am not a mind reader, a fortune teller. I am not a saint. I am simply a girl floating through the world.
And just because.... Excerpt from Romeo and Juliet.
ROMEO
Amen, amen! but come what sorrow can,
It cannot countervail the exchange of joy
That one short minute gives me in her sight:
Do thou but close our hands with holy words,
Then love-devouring death do what he dare;
It is enough I may but call her mine.
FRIAR LAURENCE
These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite:
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.
Monday, July 20, 2009
definitions and being with an alien
When you ask someone how many people they've had sex with, it generally takes them less than a second to respond if they've been with a few...maybe a couple seconds if they have to tally the names or locations or faces on their fingers. They usually don't respond with "I don't know" unless they're not super concerned with their partners and weren't aware of the name/location/face they were engaging in intercourse with. This question can be posed a variety of different ways, all of which - to an intelligent or at least societally informed individual - mean the same thing. How many people have you slept with? Had sex with? Engaged in vaginal intercourse with? How many people have you done the things in this article to? Have played with your penis/Penises have you played with? To most people, each of these questions would have the same answer, except for the last one, because I can play with a penis without it entering vagoo land. However, for me each one of the answers is two. I do believe that you can tell a bit about someone by the number that they give and their age. Given that the average American loses their virginity at 16, and other factors you can generally tell if they've been in a lot of long term relationships, if they hold sex as something other than just raw physical interaction, etc. etc.
You as a man, have a penis either inserted into a vagina, or you have a vagina placed around the penis... Someway or another your penis is in someone else. It can be a anus also, if you like it like that, or are having sex with a man...but I don't think that's super relevant. As a female you have a penis inserted into you, or you insert the penis, or...sit on it..or I don't know but there's a penis in you. I'm not sure what the definition of sex is in lesbian relationships, but again, not relevant. That is not a hard concept...For the sake of sanity, and such, we're definitely going to say that any molestation, rape, etc. does definitely and very much so NOT count in any way although by literal definition, it does. However, willingness is a part of it as much as anything else.
As such, I've gotten multiple answers for each of these questions when asking someone, and this leaves me confused. Perhaps now we've boiled it down and I have truth. It doesn't matter the number to me. In a way, yes, like I said you can sometimes tell about a person based on the number. However, there are people that have high numbers I wouldn't consider sluts and people with low numbers that aren't in long relationships all the time. It doesn't really make a difference. It's good to know for health purposes. I mean, if you sleep with someone who's slept with 10 people, you've slept with not only those 10 people but anyone and everyone that those 10 people slept with prior to and during their interactions with the person that you've slept with.... there are people who make charts and sort of things, but I think that would hurt my head to much to count. All I know is that there are people within my particular chart I'd rather not see there, and that's with the nonclear answer.
I just want truth. Straight up honesty. If you think you can't not tell your exgirlfriend you love her because that's a lie how can you not tell me how many people you've had sex with? How can you think it's okay to lie to someone and tell them the internet dropped or all the other lies you tell daily -- but it's not okay to lie when it's not even a lie.
Now that he's plastered what he believes to be the truth on the internet for all to see... I think I have an answer. However, based on all that is included, not sure if it's to the question I asked.
I thought that being with an alien would be fun and refreshing. I don't agree with a lot of norms and thought processes put down by society myself. I ponder, I reflect, I change and adapt and mold and squeeze and bend more than my brain can come to terms with sometimes. So I thought that someone completely different and removed would be better for me, more relatable in our differences than was society and mine. I think, if nothing else, I've learned that I am very very much so human. I am on plain and level with all these people I didn't think I was. I know that I have no more in common with aliens than I do with... I don't know... Hunchback Whales or something. I am intuitive, I can sometimes read people. I do not, and cannot understand the complex workings of an alien's mind, however, and I don't know if there's any point in trying anymore. With his Human English translator completely busted, and a translator for Human to Alien conversions not yet invented -- where to we stand? Can we stand? If I want an answer and cannot get one because the question isn't understood - and on such this most basic level of questioning -- how can anything we perceive to be, be? What is love, hate, discontent, passion, apathy, jealously like to an alien? Can they even feel such emotion? Do they even feel at all? Or is it just another high tech device they use to interpret humans and try to experiment with on their own to try and relate?
You as a man, have a penis either inserted into a vagina, or you have a vagina placed around the penis... Someway or another your penis is in someone else. It can be a anus also, if you like it like that, or are having sex with a man...but I don't think that's super relevant. As a female you have a penis inserted into you, or you insert the penis, or...sit on it..or I don't know but there's a penis in you. I'm not sure what the definition of sex is in lesbian relationships, but again, not relevant. That is not a hard concept...For the sake of sanity, and such, we're definitely going to say that any molestation, rape, etc. does definitely and very much so NOT count in any way although by literal definition, it does. However, willingness is a part of it as much as anything else.
As such, I've gotten multiple answers for each of these questions when asking someone, and this leaves me confused. Perhaps now we've boiled it down and I have truth. It doesn't matter the number to me. In a way, yes, like I said you can sometimes tell about a person based on the number. However, there are people that have high numbers I wouldn't consider sluts and people with low numbers that aren't in long relationships all the time. It doesn't really make a difference. It's good to know for health purposes. I mean, if you sleep with someone who's slept with 10 people, you've slept with not only those 10 people but anyone and everyone that those 10 people slept with prior to and during their interactions with the person that you've slept with.... there are people who make charts and sort of things, but I think that would hurt my head to much to count. All I know is that there are people within my particular chart I'd rather not see there, and that's with the nonclear answer.
I just want truth. Straight up honesty. If you think you can't not tell your exgirlfriend you love her because that's a lie how can you not tell me how many people you've had sex with? How can you think it's okay to lie to someone and tell them the internet dropped or all the other lies you tell daily -- but it's not okay to lie when it's not even a lie.
Now that he's plastered what he believes to be the truth on the internet for all to see... I think I have an answer. However, based on all that is included, not sure if it's to the question I asked.
I thought that being with an alien would be fun and refreshing. I don't agree with a lot of norms and thought processes put down by society myself. I ponder, I reflect, I change and adapt and mold and squeeze and bend more than my brain can come to terms with sometimes. So I thought that someone completely different and removed would be better for me, more relatable in our differences than was society and mine. I think, if nothing else, I've learned that I am very very much so human. I am on plain and level with all these people I didn't think I was. I know that I have no more in common with aliens than I do with... I don't know... Hunchback Whales or something. I am intuitive, I can sometimes read people. I do not, and cannot understand the complex workings of an alien's mind, however, and I don't know if there's any point in trying anymore. With his Human English translator completely busted, and a translator for Human to Alien conversions not yet invented -- where to we stand? Can we stand? If I want an answer and cannot get one because the question isn't understood - and on such this most basic level of questioning -- how can anything we perceive to be, be? What is love, hate, discontent, passion, apathy, jealously like to an alien? Can they even feel such emotion? Do they even feel at all? Or is it just another high tech device they use to interpret humans and try to experiment with on their own to try and relate?
Friday, July 17, 2009
it's all matters of perception
I think that John and I may be finally over this ever persistent issue. Yes, I do believe that he is wrong in his logic and reasoning in the matter. However, because in his mind he did not choose something over me, then he didn't. Which is what was really bothering me more than anything else anyway. Yes, I was right. Yes, Emily was and seeming is still in love with him. She's also across the country and doing her best to get on with her own affairs. I don't think that she knows how John and I actually came together, or that there was no infidelity. He didn't even kiss me until the day she was supposed to be going back to Virginia, and we had planned our first date for afterwards. However, she didn't end up leaving for Virginia until we were officially a couple...but that's not really the faults of either of us.
I don't know why it concerns me so much anyway, how she feels or what she perceives. I can only think that the Clint situation made it as such. In a way, although not as horribly, she is me and I am Jaime and John is Clint. Although, I promoted their relationship, and tried to keep John and Emily together. And, John and I didn't have sex until a couple weeks after we had returned from our trip to California...which began after Emily was already back in Virginia. Regardless, the emotional-ness was there, and that's what's most important anyway - especially for her I would imagine as she cheated on John with multiple people on numerous occasions. Anyway...
We came down to the conclusion that John does not perceive the world as the vast and wide majority of people do, and that if I am to be with him I will have to realize that. He also gave some insight to my prior explanation of him not being happy in the relationship and lacking in that once held spark. He stated it as "I'm not going to give you fireworks if you're just going to blow yourself up." He was worried about the continuing fighting as I was, but rather than put more into the relationship because of it he was becoming withdrawn and assuming that I wanted things to end.
There's a real communication issue between John and I, and it's not that we don't communicate. We actually both are fairly open with each other (in matters of the relationship we are in at least) and so by normalcy there shouldn't be any problems. However, we both seem to speak completely separate languages, or at least two opposing dialects. His perception of what truth, love, and humanity are are completely different from anything I've ever heard of. Which leads me to utter confusion. If the great thinkers of history (Plato, Aristotle, etc.) and modern thinkers, and anyone I've ever met or read or heard of all think one way, how am I supposed to come to terms with someone who thinks entirely different? I don't know exactly, but I am working on it. In most matters this difference is refreshing and thought provoking, however, in matters of what he perceives a lie to be - not telling someone you love them if you do, and what love is -- the act of not telling them would require a complete emotional shutdown... well, this leaves me perplexed. I understand it in the most simple terms. If someone says they love you, and you reply I don't you..that's a lie if you love them. However, if someone says they love you, and you reply with... nothing, or continue the conversation, or thank you, or aaww you're sweet or something I don't see that as a lie.
Regardless, I think we realized that we are each totally and one hundred percent right with the contexts we are able to understand and that we live our lives in. So, there isn't really an issue anymore. That being said, it would make my life much easier if he never told her he loved her again, or if he decided that she's not worth any trouble and just didn't contact her at all. I think that if I were to ever hear him say he loved her, or see it in writing to her... I would have a major internalized struggle. For, I do realize his perception and how he understands the situation, but that does not mean that I at all agree. In contexts I can understand, he is completely mistaken on the matter and it should never have been an issue. Oh well. We will either realize the differing perspectives and be okay with that as we are now, or (the better of the two) come to a compromise of perspectives naturally as we grow together.
In other news... OnPoint put an insurance policy on the Mazda themselves, so if they can take a look at the car then they'll possibly cover all of the loan minus 500 deductible. Also, if Clint and a notary sign something saying he was responsible for insurance and operating costs of the vehicle then my license won't be suspended. Hurray, right? Well, generally you would think so. However, Clint is being less than helpful so... I don't know. My next step is to contact an authoritative figure in his life and see what happens I suppose...
I don't know why it concerns me so much anyway, how she feels or what she perceives. I can only think that the Clint situation made it as such. In a way, although not as horribly, she is me and I am Jaime and John is Clint. Although, I promoted their relationship, and tried to keep John and Emily together. And, John and I didn't have sex until a couple weeks after we had returned from our trip to California...which began after Emily was already back in Virginia. Regardless, the emotional-ness was there, and that's what's most important anyway - especially for her I would imagine as she cheated on John with multiple people on numerous occasions. Anyway...
We came down to the conclusion that John does not perceive the world as the vast and wide majority of people do, and that if I am to be with him I will have to realize that. He also gave some insight to my prior explanation of him not being happy in the relationship and lacking in that once held spark. He stated it as "I'm not going to give you fireworks if you're just going to blow yourself up." He was worried about the continuing fighting as I was, but rather than put more into the relationship because of it he was becoming withdrawn and assuming that I wanted things to end.
There's a real communication issue between John and I, and it's not that we don't communicate. We actually both are fairly open with each other (in matters of the relationship we are in at least) and so by normalcy there shouldn't be any problems. However, we both seem to speak completely separate languages, or at least two opposing dialects. His perception of what truth, love, and humanity are are completely different from anything I've ever heard of. Which leads me to utter confusion. If the great thinkers of history (Plato, Aristotle, etc.) and modern thinkers, and anyone I've ever met or read or heard of all think one way, how am I supposed to come to terms with someone who thinks entirely different? I don't know exactly, but I am working on it. In most matters this difference is refreshing and thought provoking, however, in matters of what he perceives a lie to be - not telling someone you love them if you do, and what love is -- the act of not telling them would require a complete emotional shutdown... well, this leaves me perplexed. I understand it in the most simple terms. If someone says they love you, and you reply I don't you..that's a lie if you love them. However, if someone says they love you, and you reply with... nothing, or continue the conversation, or thank you, or aaww you're sweet or something I don't see that as a lie.
Regardless, I think we realized that we are each totally and one hundred percent right with the contexts we are able to understand and that we live our lives in. So, there isn't really an issue anymore. That being said, it would make my life much easier if he never told her he loved her again, or if he decided that she's not worth any trouble and just didn't contact her at all. I think that if I were to ever hear him say he loved her, or see it in writing to her... I would have a major internalized struggle. For, I do realize his perception and how he understands the situation, but that does not mean that I at all agree. In contexts I can understand, he is completely mistaken on the matter and it should never have been an issue. Oh well. We will either realize the differing perspectives and be okay with that as we are now, or (the better of the two) come to a compromise of perspectives naturally as we grow together.
In other news... OnPoint put an insurance policy on the Mazda themselves, so if they can take a look at the car then they'll possibly cover all of the loan minus 500 deductible. Also, if Clint and a notary sign something saying he was responsible for insurance and operating costs of the vehicle then my license won't be suspended. Hurray, right? Well, generally you would think so. However, Clint is being less than helpful so... I don't know. My next step is to contact an authoritative figure in his life and see what happens I suppose...
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I'm fucked
My sleep schedule was totally fixed until I got bored and laid down with John. Boo! Oh well, not like there's anything needing me to have normalcy anyway.
Merrick is, like, damn near without a doubt male. Which leaves me kind of confused as to what to do. She'll always be a she. Well, those balls are getting chopped off eventually, so it'll be close enough. Do male cats have a kind of heat though, because she was obsessed with the licking and I just assumed she was cleaning up after the blood stuff from heat.
Clint is possibly the official worst ex of all time. The car we bought together for him was totaled. Not too terribly big of a deal normally. However, Clint didn't pay his insurance so was not covered. So, because of this and the fact that I am the primary on the car my license will be suspended as of July 24th. In addition to this, the insurance isn't going to be paying off the car loan, and it doesn't appear that Clint is either. I received something in the mail saying that there was a back due amount of 450 something and that they were reporting to the credit agencies. So, I'll have a suspended license, bad credit, and an $18,000+ debt which there is no way I can pay. To top it off I had to cover the last month I had my name on the electric policy for Clint because he neglected to do so, that's another $80, and I left the Internet on in his apartment in my name and he hasn't paid me for that yet which is another $105 in total. So basically the dick owes me $18,185 and then some. I have no idea how to proceed as he is neglecting to return or answer any of my contact attempts. Looks like I'm going to have to take him to court. Oh, joy. I'm not really sure how to proceed with this matter and am not sure that I would win in court because my name is the primary.
Apparently Emily sent John a super angry e-mail saying she hated him and never wanted to talk to him again a while ago. I am confused as to why John didn't tell me until now, but...eh. I am also ridiculously curious as to what she said, but even more so as to what his reply was. Knowing John, it was something gentle, kind, and comforting and she'll forget all the anger that she didn't really have any reason to be in the first place. However, if this time she's really finally gone from the picture then we can maybe move on. Although, again, these decisions being hers are not boding well for my opinion of John himself, which in turn negatively affects the relationship. I'm not going to ask to see it, as that would be overstepping the line I assume.
So I'm broke because I have no job, but things were starting to look up because John is going to start getting UI and we got food stamps and such. However, things can't be good apparently so now Clint has to take a shit on any happiness and joy I may have been able to achieve.
In short, Fuck My Life. Anyone know an awesome lawyer who wants to do a little pro bono work?
Merrick is, like, damn near without a doubt male. Which leaves me kind of confused as to what to do. She'll always be a she. Well, those balls are getting chopped off eventually, so it'll be close enough. Do male cats have a kind of heat though, because she was obsessed with the licking and I just assumed she was cleaning up after the blood stuff from heat.
Clint is possibly the official worst ex of all time. The car we bought together for him was totaled. Not too terribly big of a deal normally. However, Clint didn't pay his insurance so was not covered. So, because of this and the fact that I am the primary on the car my license will be suspended as of July 24th. In addition to this, the insurance isn't going to be paying off the car loan, and it doesn't appear that Clint is either. I received something in the mail saying that there was a back due amount of 450 something and that they were reporting to the credit agencies. So, I'll have a suspended license, bad credit, and an $18,000+ debt which there is no way I can pay. To top it off I had to cover the last month I had my name on the electric policy for Clint because he neglected to do so, that's another $80, and I left the Internet on in his apartment in my name and he hasn't paid me for that yet which is another $105 in total. So basically the dick owes me $18,185 and then some. I have no idea how to proceed as he is neglecting to return or answer any of my contact attempts. Looks like I'm going to have to take him to court. Oh, joy. I'm not really sure how to proceed with this matter and am not sure that I would win in court because my name is the primary.
Apparently Emily sent John a super angry e-mail saying she hated him and never wanted to talk to him again a while ago. I am confused as to why John didn't tell me until now, but...eh. I am also ridiculously curious as to what she said, but even more so as to what his reply was. Knowing John, it was something gentle, kind, and comforting and she'll forget all the anger that she didn't really have any reason to be in the first place. However, if this time she's really finally gone from the picture then we can maybe move on. Although, again, these decisions being hers are not boding well for my opinion of John himself, which in turn negatively affects the relationship. I'm not going to ask to see it, as that would be overstepping the line I assume.
So I'm broke because I have no job, but things were starting to look up because John is going to start getting UI and we got food stamps and such. However, things can't be good apparently so now Clint has to take a shit on any happiness and joy I may have been able to achieve.
In short, Fuck My Life. Anyone know an awesome lawyer who wants to do a little pro bono work?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
It's so Top Secret
John said something yesterday which didn't bug me at all then, but has since started to make me wonder. Corey, his best and arguably only friend, asked to speak with me when he and John where chatting on the phone. Before handing me the phone, John told Corey I was Clearance level zero. So, whatever, right? Had it been any other person I wouldn't have given it a second thought and would have assumed that it was just boys being silly or something to that effect at least. Well, it's not any other person, and that made me think. I should, as someone willing and wanting to spend the rest of my life with John, not only have more than no clearance, but be admitted to know more than Corey does about the goings on, thoughts, etc. in John's life past and present. I not only want this, but expect it as something which is naturally in place. In my life, John gets to know everything, not only about me, but about every person that I come into contact with. There is nothing that I would not share with him about my life, or the lives of my family and friends. He is my significant other, and despite time constraints – we are in a “serious” relationship here. If I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone, it should be with someone who is willing to share the very darkest and hidden corners of their mind and soul with me. There are somethings which people keep to themselves, and that is fine. If John has a need to keep something to himself, than it should be kept to himself. If it is something he can share with a friend, then it is something he can share with me. John is definitely one to try and beat around a subject, tell half stories with enough vagueness that you're confused about the general plot structure. I've noticed this, and begin to prob on occasion, but that doesn't get me anywhere other than slightly irritated and often more confused. I have learned through my breakup with Clint not to be too trusting. I understand that people will often not do things as they should. Still, I wouldn't hold it against John if he didn't want to take out a loan together, or have a bank account in both our names. These things are what screwed me over now, and I realize that they were mistakes. The only time to become so tied to someone is once you have said your vows, and even then it can be kind of risky.
I mention this, because I received a letter in the mail from the DMV saying that my license will be suspended as of the 24th because of the accident I was in. Of course, I wasn't in any accident, but Clint was and totaled the car which, while in both our names, was primarily mine according to documentation. The electric bill he didn't pay for his apartment is now transferred to my bill so I could start new services here. My grandmother has been called with collection agencies looking for Clint, I've been contacted because he's months behind on payments. It's all completely ridiculous and he's causing me way more trouble than he's worth.
In other news, we've got food stamps coming in now for 208 a month, which doesn't cover all of our estimated cost – but 2/3 of it hopefully will be plenty. As we over budgeted things like utility and electric costs as well, and my monthly minimum payments for the credit card are lessened too – we might just be okay. Timing might be off on some things, but everyone will get payed in time, probably. I still owe 400 and some change to PCC which I believe needs to be payed off before I get my diploma, or am able to get official transcripts. Which sucks, because I might not have the money needed to pay that off until I get Financial Aid/ Loans to go to PSU which won't happen unless I am able to send them my official transcripts. Catch 22, for the lose.
I think that the passion that was missing may be back... or at least it was night before last. Is it so wrong to want to feel wanted? I don't think so.
I mention this, because I received a letter in the mail from the DMV saying that my license will be suspended as of the 24th because of the accident I was in. Of course, I wasn't in any accident, but Clint was and totaled the car which, while in both our names, was primarily mine according to documentation. The electric bill he didn't pay for his apartment is now transferred to my bill so I could start new services here. My grandmother has been called with collection agencies looking for Clint, I've been contacted because he's months behind on payments. It's all completely ridiculous and he's causing me way more trouble than he's worth.
In other news, we've got food stamps coming in now for 208 a month, which doesn't cover all of our estimated cost – but 2/3 of it hopefully will be plenty. As we over budgeted things like utility and electric costs as well, and my monthly minimum payments for the credit card are lessened too – we might just be okay. Timing might be off on some things, but everyone will get payed in time, probably. I still owe 400 and some change to PCC which I believe needs to be payed off before I get my diploma, or am able to get official transcripts. Which sucks, because I might not have the money needed to pay that off until I get Financial Aid/ Loans to go to PSU which won't happen unless I am able to send them my official transcripts. Catch 22, for the lose.
I think that the passion that was missing may be back... or at least it was night before last. Is it so wrong to want to feel wanted? I don't think so.
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