Wednesday, August 11, 2010

life goes on...

...same as it ever was.

The wonderful wedding was offset by having my wallet stolen and John getting so sick we had to go to the ER. Now we have medical bills on top of everything. Joy! I'm just glad that with medicine he is now starting to feel better. Nothing is worse than seeming him in pain... and actually voluntarily going to a doctor.

However, our normal cycle of one good thing followed by three horrible has not been completed yet, and this has me worried... what will follow? Perhaps it is superstition, but that's the way it's gone so far. I hope we can break the cycle and be calm and happy for just a little while.

I want nothing more than for normalcy. Some sense of solid base which all can grow from, from which a life can form. I keep feeling like if I run away I'll be able to find it. If I shake things up, somehow all the pieces which are floating around will fall together and everything will be complete. Day dreams...

I really want to start a family, to have John work a good job and to stay home and take care of the house and loved ones like women were able to before society marked this such a lowly occupation.

It seems like no matter how my brain likes to tell me, making lists and setting goals and having a plan will never work. We will never be totally out of debt, I will never be the pretty girl I used to be, there will never be stability, never peace. It will never be a good time to have a baby, it will never be a good time for anything.

I try to make to-do lists, to plan out how much we need to save - what we can allocate to certain areas of life. Then, something has to happen to steer us off course. I'm not even his real wife because of all this nonsense! We had the wedding, but not the marriage... seems so backwards.

There are so many things upon us... so many eyes, so many thoughts. So much to do, and no way of knowing how long we have to do it. I wish life came with a manual... don't we all? I just need someone else to take control and tell me exactly where I need to be and when. To portion out what I eat, what I do in a way that optimizes all that I am and creates the best potential me.

I've lost faith, I'm losing hope, and I'm ashamed for these things.

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