Friday, September 16, 2011

Dissolving matter

Well then. Hurdle over, damage done, game complete. Right? Easier roads ahead, right? I mean, you get offered something that amazing and... right... sounds too good to be true, usually is.

Here I was thinking, yes... we've made it! The dog days are over!

We can have awesome jobs, house, car, kids! It's there, within our grasp! We can pay off debt, we can fix the holes in our soles. Finally it's all right there and then....

It all comes crashing down.

It's all marked in red.

It's all drug through mud.

And maybe it's because you just don't exist. You're nothing more than the delusion of my imagination and no one has the heart to tell me you're not real. So of course you couldn't have gone to college, because they tend not to enroll spirits. You can't create life because the seed of a ghost is as useless as his heart. It all feels real to me. But, you see, the only time you've ever existed is if I was with you. If I pull up the reports, if I'm there to witness ink on paper. If I'm not there to see it... you don't exist. You're my Tyler Durden of the most neurotic, narcissistic kind. I'm not just crazy for seeing you, interacting with you... I'm crazy because I fell in love with you, made love to you, fought for you...

And when the camera fades to black....

You're left with this bitter taste and knowing
Sure as sure and right as right and up as up
That I'd do it again.
Cling to your ions like they are my last chance at salvation
Because, really they are.
You may not be real, but you're mine. Each buzzing photonic burst of energy, each fleck of displaced matter.
As nothing in this world has been mine before. Independently and yet connected to my own frame.
And if you dissipate as waifs are wont to do.... then I dissipate as well.
So my lovely ghoul, stay a while with me. Fufill my fantasy. If you're nothing more than the other half of my own aching heart, than continue on.
Perhaps one day we'll look back on this earthly time and chuckle our beyond-the-grave laughs. We'll ponder why having negative five hundred dollars in our bank account was such a stressing time, and why it mattered so much to have a home and warmth and food and love. Why it mattered so much to exist, to survive, to have gizmos and gadgets and ambition to improve.

As we drift our ethereal bodies into the cosmos maybe we'll realize the point of it all. Maybe we'll have regrets for the time spent on earth.

My time is worth it, waiting on you. My non-existing prince that stole my heart. Whether figment of my imagination, ghost, spirit, vampire... I love you. I have faith that you are real, that you can make yourself real not only to me in my eyes, but to others. That you can amass enough dust, fallen skin cells of the world, so that all can see the glimmer in your eye. That we don't have to wait until God call us home to be happy. That we can make for ourselves peace on Earth, even if it's only confined to four small walls. With this faith, I place my life, my happiness, and all that I am in your translucent hands.

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