it's been 13 months

I was going to write a happy blog for my belated 13 months. First I decided to catch up on my reading of other's blogs to reenter the world I've been out of touch with. Now... the happy blog of love and joy just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

I am so ridiculously done with being made to be an enemy. So tired of spending everything I work for, and a lot of what I don't, to make someone else happy. I get so very, very little for myself. I give everything I have to someone else who has the audacity to say that it is not enough.

Oh, you give me everything - you've changed your entire belief system, you bend over backwards daily and feel like killing yourself so you can stop it all? Yeah...that's not going to cut it. I actually need more. I can't be satisfied with this, let alone bothered to actually contribute something of my own. No, I won't give you anything other than the basics to tie you to me. Work? Bah! Cut back on spending? You must be joking.

I just want it all to

-STOP-

I love you more than anything I can express. So giving you everything I have isn't a big deal. It makes me happy that you are happy. I would like to have something given to me. I mean, last night we bought something for me - and the xbox is pretty much half mine. Still...it feels like all you want me for is to support your habits. Not to be there for you, or to love you. Just to be something you can feed off of.

I know that this cannot be the case. I hope so, at least, and am pretty sure this is correct...Take what I say with a grain of salt... but do listen. Don't just ignore it like you do everything else I say in regards to how I feel.

I am so easily tossed aside like everything else in your life. I know this... and I feel it intensely at times. I wish for you to be what I need... what I've always needed. I need to be taken care of, to be provided for. I need to feel it completely that I am the only thing that really matters to you. I need to be enveloped in love constantly and made to feel like I am truly safe. I need to be protected from the world, and perhaps, to have the world protected from me. I need to be encouraged to thrive - emotionally, physically, spiritually, artistically, sexually...and otherwise. I need to have an equal partner. Someone who does not take more than they give, but tries as I do to give as much as possible while taking as little as possible. You say you do... but this is the biggest fallacy I have heard you commit yourself to thus far.

I need happily ever after.

I wish you a merry Christmas

It feels like I was writing my eight months post only days ago. Yet, here we are, at month number nine. Seven months away from our wedding. It is a wonderous thing indeed.

Christmas has been pretty good this year. Nothing super fantastic to report, but nothing bad either. Overall I'd say it's about fifty million times better than last year's where I was contemplating the end of my existence and wondering if was possible to hurt more. Yeah - wasn't good. This year was lots of chili, cannibal bunnies, ammunition and such full. It was fun with my loves of all shapes and sizes and relation. I think that I'd be alright with such things next year as well.

John and I didn't get presents for each other, and based on what we want (he wants shoes, I want clothes) I don't think we will really, but we'll probably go shopping on Saturday (tomorrow) to get said items. We have... not a lot of money, but 100 from my Grandma for Christmas, that will at least get shoes and maybe a dress... if we do it right. I'm looking for a good date outfit. Black dress, red heels, something sparkly. I don't know, I have a pair of jeans and enough t-shirts.... Although I'd like to completely revamp my wardrobe, it is for now okay. I lack something suitable for a nice dinner out - or a show. I had a couple, but my aunt Christie commandeered them a couple years ago.

I am hoping that with all the business lately, that we'll be able to breath soon as we enter the new year. I have lots of planning ahead of me for the wedding, and a hot body to find in myself for my honeymoon. I need to lose three inches for my waist and that's it, beyond tightening up and increasing strength overall.

I wish you (my, what, one reader?) all the best and magical holiday wishes and hope for us all that 2010 rocks our socks and kicks 2009's ass...royally.