Here's to October 24th

It's come to my attention that apparently me being honest about life, and the situation I'm in has made people uncomfortable. I'm not sure why exactly, and don't really care. You see, life, it fucking sucks 90% of the time. I have husband who puts his own wants and desires above being financially responsible. Who doesn't understand that if you have $300 to spend on a phone, that means you have $300 to pay back debt, or to put into savings, to help cover rent, or food, or whatever other bill originated from your own wants and desires. I do. There isn't really any arguing with this. At all.

However, we are caught up on all our bills, minus Frontier which we can't pay because we have an open case with them. No, we're not caught up on personal debts, but if we promise you X by date Y, we'll make sure that you have it. Yes you do have to pay your fucking phone bill on time. Don't, and your phone will be suspended. Period. I don't care where you get the means to pay your part, and you don't worry about where I'll get the means to pay mine. My business, while sometimes written about, is still my business. You should not assume that bills aren't being paid, simply because I bitch about lack of hours and unemployment fucking up and someone having a completely fucked list of priorities. You want to help, smack John in the head anytime he mentions leaving work early, or buying something not necessary. Give him a pat on the back every time he mentions working extra hours, getting a new  job, or getting paid for outside work. Maybe we can condition a more secure future.

Yes, at the moment, we're completely fucked. No, I have no idea how we will be able to pay our bills in the upcoming weeks ahead. This doesn't mean I won't find a way. This doesn't mean I won't sell everything I have....what's left anyway, to stay afloat. This simply means that I am worried, we're broke, and I'm considering visiting a food charity to get groceries. That's all. We're alive, we're not facing eviction, or past due bills, or utility shut offs. We've a roof, electricity, water. We've still got clothes on our backs and shoes without too many holes in the soles. Life might be fucking uncomfortable as fuck, but we're living it. We're not giving up and resigning to let it all slip away. For one thing, if we stopped paying our bills, I'm pretty sure our roommate would be pretty upset. And thank God for having a roommate to split the bills with, or perhaps we would be fucked more than we could deal with.

So, seriously. Calm. The fuck. Down. Live your life and stop worrying about us. If you have concerns about getting your money from us, know we'll work something out as soon as we're able. If we've had to postpone paying you back because of the lack of work situation, I am sorry. I am. I hate, (hate hate hate hate hate hate hate) owing people money. You will get yours, as soon as we can stand on solid ground. If you feel like you need interest added to the mix, we can deal with that. Yes, I know we might have to bow our heads and kiss your feet to keep our relationships okay. I hope that we have friends and family that are understanding and are secure in their lives to be okay without what we owe them for a while. Based on the fact that I haven't been served any papers or angry voice mails, and the trips, home improvements, and extravagances that those we owe to are taking part in - I think that this is the case. And boy, oh boy, am I grateful for this. I am happy that those we care about are doing well. I am happy for you in all your adventures and success. I am hopeful that we'll see ours soon. I am hopeful that we can add to yours with delayed funds soon.

The 24th of October. This is the date that I am setting for when things will be okay. When life will be more or less normal. When I can crank up the income on my Mint.com budget and see my left-over funds go from negative 8 to a positive... something. So, here's to October 24th!

Back to Reality

Well, that calm before the storm didn't last very long. The long, carefree weekend has quickly been replaced by "Your claim for the week ending September 03, 2011 has been received but not paid because of a problem."

That extra $100-$130 that was needed to cover gasoline and tux rental? Yeah... about that. Not sure how that's going to happen. Johnathan posted some stuff up for sale, but it's stuff we really, really don't want to sell. Stuff we use every day and that makes life more enjoyable. Stuff that if we do sell, we'll want to buy again at a later time, and it'll cost more to buy again than we'll hope to make from it. But he did it proactively, we just can't take any chances. There's no reason for his claim to be denied... or any issues I can think of. The only possible thing is that he maybe answered one of their questions wrong, or the day we were in Yachats caught up to him... or maybe he did his math wrong, or left off a zero or something. Either way, fucked.

Especially since we have a pending check for $700 which will be coming out on the 12th. We have to have that unemployment money coming in to be able to eat. So... this is going to be a fun little next couple of weeks.

Weird family tension I can only assume has to do with the $9,900 we owe my grandparents and the $400 we owe Steve...and we're working on being able to pay that back... but not soon enough. For them, and for us too. This is in addition to the $16,500 in other debts, credit cards, medical bills and personal loans. Somehow we've gotten ourselves in a position where we owe just about everyone we know money, and barely able to take care of ourselves. We've got to pay the "real" debt first, and friends/family last, no matter how much we'd like to do it the other way around. Friends and family can be pissed, can cut us out of their lives, and I guess can take us to court. At least they don't report to credit agencies, sell their debt to collection agencies.

Oh summer, I remember when you used to be so lovely, so free, so welcoming. Where nothing could hurt me as long as I had the sun on my back. Now I just get a few days, an extended weekend, and it's back to reality. No chance of moving when our lease is up in October, no chance of ever buying a house, no way we could afford a child. With the trust fund only a myth yet to be realized, and if it is real, still three and half years away... we have no life line, no way out.

Just applying to every company we can think of, crossing our fingers, and praying for a break... and wishing to pass time as painlessly as possible until 4-8-15 or the end of the world rolls around.

Last week was the most stressful, burnt out, miserable, confusing week I've had.
In a long, long time.

Saturday we're supposed to go to a barbeque, I say, let's go see what a car dealership can do for us, out of curiosity.
They play their game too well.
Sign us in for $1300 and 375 a month. A 2003 Honda Accord with issues and 200k miles.
We panic.
Balk.
Scream and squirm our way back to reality.


Monday brings news bitter to taste.
No more AdCenter.
No more Display.
No more job.
Panic forms a knot around my chest.
Worked so hard, gave so much to this place, to this team. Never got the recognition I deserved, and now I never will.


Connected cohorts form a plan.
We return the car with amenities.
Done. Obligations erased. Plans formed for debt reduction. This is a good thing. Pushed to our limits we have more than we thought. We will be okay. Job loss or no. We will be able to pay off all the madness we've been collecting faster than expected. Thank goodness!

And then....

What if it's cold? What if it rains? What if a bun inside my oven bakes? What if the fuse box fills with water again, short circuits my Jane?

So back we go. Full of thoughts of winter days, of car seats strapped to convertible tops, to backs of motorcycles.

Less money this time. More than we have, yes. More than we can possibly do, yes. But have no fear the husband says. Overtime, it's coming the husband says. I'll make it work, the husband says. So I believe. Save $4k. Get a BMW with 65k miles from two decades past. Partying like it's 1999, with a smaller price tag.

Lose heated seats, sun roof. Lose 6 disc changer, lose leather interior. Gain German engineering. Gain $250 from down payment. Gain $4,000 from previous deal. Perhaps gain more respect. Perhaps.

Taxes. Evil taxes. Steal our money, rape our wallets. Take $151 from me. Needed funds. Expected funds. Here we sit. Signed and delivered. $200 short of the minimum of where we need to be. Balancing act of where to put the money. Phone bill left unpayed. Unable to keep these promises we make.

Left further in debt that we could imagine. Unable to make payments promised. Have to give up all we'd worked for. For what?

Reassurance that when the rain pours down and the earth freezes, that we'll be okay. That if God delivers onto us a child, we'll be able to bring him or her home.

It seems reasonable and yet so foolish. Hoping for overtime. Hoping for our craigslist postings to sell. Hoping for free lance work. Praying for a miracle.

Out of work. Out of luck. Out of time.

If you know of any manual / computer work that needs to be done that can be accomplished Sun/Monday or after 2:00 PM let John know. Hook him up. If you know anyone looking for a cell phone or a laptop, let us know. We'll hook you/them up.

Also thinking of selling my wedding dress & garment bag ($180) , sash ($5) (rose petal), necklace($15), and slip($10). Would like to keep that to friends/family circles though. Veil ($50) will be available after mid-September. So that's a full bride's outfit (size 8/10) for $260. Let me know.

the whirlwind

I think sometimes that there may be something wrong with me. I mean, I read over so many posts that are full of anger, or sadness and wonder why. I cannot comprehend these things in my elevated state I suppose. Everything now is wonderful. Sure, we're completely and totally broke and budgeting ourselves each day in a way I didn't think possible. Yet, we sell things to get by, we make our way through this life.

I little over a year ago John told me that I could take him and only him, or he would walk away. I realized that I couldn't let him walk out of my life, so I agreed to be his girl for as long as everything was rainbows and butterflies. We fell into a daze of glory, confusion, and passion. The rainbows and butterflies didn't last unbroken for too long, but at that point I don't think either one of us had a choice but to see it through. No one thought we would make it, that we had anything real.

Yet, here we are. One year in, four months away from our wedding. The days fly by now so rapidly, there's hardly a chance to breathe. We are stressed over work, over the lack of money in our household. We have lawyers and weddings and bills to take care of - not to mention eating and fueling a vehicle. Somehow we've managed to make it this far. We should be out of the woods here shortly once the lawyer stops eating all the monies.

We finally have a means to pay for the wedding (thank you Grandma!) and so we're feeling a lot better about things in general. It wasn't a big deal to go out and buy my wedding bands two days after I bought my dress, veil, and jewelry. We're selling the Wii tonight so we can afford food for the rest of the week and then rinse and repeat I guess.

In May the lawyer will be paid off and I can dive into the trial proceedings. Yay? Eh, it will get everything taken care of and get me clean and clear for the future. Now if John could do the same.... but most of his stuff will fall off of his report in the next year or two anyway. Then we can start working on saving for a house ... although with a certain someone's spending habits I don't think that will be possible for us until 2015. The world will end before then! <-Totally kidding.

Anyway, I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. You are my ... everything. As long as I am, I am yours.

Tools at work are down...

So we've got solitare playing, craigslist searching MSN agents milling around waiting for a magical e-mail telling us to get back to work. It's been three hours - I'm caught up on web comics, have shopped ModCloth's new arrivals, and looked at tons of honeymoon spots - Now I shall blog!

I am thinking of self publishing a compilation of my works. I don't know if it'll sell, but apparently it's a publish as it sells company that just takes a cut from your sales. You don't sell and they don't get money - or at least that's how it seems. Double checked to make sure they don't take rights from you if you go through them too, so it seems good. I'll probably start workshopping myself until everything feels right. Then again, it'll all probably go nowhere.

I want to be better. A better partner, a better friend. I want to have a better lifestyle and a better body. I just want to make a hundred small adjustments to make things the best they can be for the current situation. I want better eating habits and better sex. A better (cleaner) home, and better cats. Better skin, better nails, and better clothes. Not perfect, not end game, just better.

John has a job! It's with Hewlett Packard doing desktop support and limited sales. It's not great work, and it tends to go against John's basic beliefs... but, it pays pretty decently for an entry level position and it gets us to a place where we can survive. That's definitely better!

Life is (hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood) getting better. Smoothing out. Routines, stability. No more emotional insanity, no more outbursts. Love, happiness, survival. There are definitely things which haven't seen marked improvement in over six months... or not sustained improvement. It seems that it's just going to fall more. Well, it's sad - but it happens, I guess.

December 21st seems to be the date we're looking forward to. One full time check of mine, and a part time one from John. We'll be able to get Christmas presents and pay all the bills and maybe...breath.

Until then my... one reader... I bid you all the happiness in the world.

Why today isn't the best day ever.

Today I woke up and went to fill out some DHS paperwork that I have to get into them so we can continue to get food stamps. Since in October I made some actual money - there's a chance we might not continue getting food stamps, or get a much more reduced amount. I'm hoping I can talk our case lady into letting us keep them.... since w/o them we're totally fucked.

In addition, for some reason I'm not sure of the employment department has denied my benefits. I need to call them and figure out why, and what I can do to get them. I'm working 20 hours a week -- making LESS than my UI insurance was. It would have been better for me just to not have a job...

Our bills for the month... phone, rent, w/s/g, electric, etc. are 100.76% of John and my combined income. Which means that there is absolutely no wiggle room... None. However, even with throwing whatever else (gas, food > FS, etc.) onto credit cards (which I hate doing!) we'll still be that .76% short. Not too terribly much, but still.

John is crazy super sick. Like... death. He coughed up blood and is crazy congested. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do except put cough drops and the like on CC and hope that he gets better.

The Mazda... well you know about that.

Debt in general. We're barely staying afloat, and a large portion of that is because of CC and car payments. Without them, all we'd have to worry about is phone/internet/tv/rent/w-s-g/electric. I tried to consolidate all of the debts (totaling close to 10k) into one loan so I could pay it off at hopefully a lower monthly payment and free up CCs for those 'just in case' moments. However, because of the amount of debt I have - and the Mazda's late payments, I was denied.... so we'll keep charging stuff on CCs to stay alive because we're spending so much on payments.... Ah, now I see why people say to avoid the mother fuckers.

I'm thinking of looking into claiming bankruptcy. Yes, it would fuck my credit for seven years, but I need to do it before John and I get married if I'm going to do it. I need to pay off car first though, because I can't get that repossessed.

Did I mention we're planning a wedding? Somehow I have a feeling that it's not going to happen. I mean, see all the above and tell me how to pull over 4k out of that? You can't. I can only hope that we get a lot more help than expected.

John still doesn't have a job. He says that he's looking and applying everywhere, but there's hardly a callback. He hasn't even been on one interview since he was laid off in April. Not one. This is rather depressing as I've had half a dozen interviews and two separate jobs since then. Stream is ramping up again - so we'll see.

To top it all off, I'm freaking out and John's telling me to have faith. Have faith that his plan will magically happen. I have faith that if we don't pay rent we'll get evicted, I have faith that if he doesn't get employed by ... next week we're fucked. He seems to think everything will be okay - but I just don't see it. So he's being an ass about me being upset, because that's helpful.

Good things? UH... right.

I have a job. It's not doing anything but fucking me over for now... but it should flip to full time soon - which will help if John gets a job too- because we'll lose some if not all of food stamps once that happens.

The check I wrote my grandparents for rent hasn't gone through yet. This is our main saving grace for making it through November. If they had cashed it when I wrote it then we'd have no money at all for any bills. With that still in the air we'll be able to make it through November... unless of course they cash it soon... In which case triple fucked. However, I can't bear to ask them not to, they're not doing too terribly hot themselves I don't think. I'll just roll with it and see what happens.

Love. Yeah, love is good. It's nice to be able to turn to my fiancé and know that we're together regardless how the chips fall. It's put a lot of strain on everything worrying about money and plans and such, but we're still together. If I had to go through this alone, I think I would have given up by now.

the moon and hormones

Between hormones and the full moon I'm not sure which is having more of an influence. I feel grumpy, irritable, out of touch, and apathetic. I want to go do something - but I don't care what, and my bed seems like a good place to be.

On a happier note, this year's Halloween was fantastic. Falling on a Saturday gave a lot of room for enjoyment for the whole weekend. There was drama at both events, and I'm sure not everyone had a good time, but I did and stayed away from all dramatic happenings. Key events include virginity being lost and 12 year olds puking from drunkenness. Yeah, some times things just happen at parties I guess.

I am really worried for some people very close to me, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I know how both sides of the picture are seeing the events and feelings, but it's kind of a not my business ordeal, even though I feel like it is.

As I near closer to my wedding day with each passing moment, I realize that things don't magically turn into fairy tales just because you want them to. Sometimes, things fade from a once sheeny glaze. The things we wish for are often not received. Not to say I am unhappy necessarily, just that things could be better. There could be more togetherness, we could be more in sync as we once were. Things could be brighter for our future, the world could look less grim. There could be more money and more free time, and more helping hands. There could be more employment and aspiration for greatness. There could be less apathy and more ambition. There could be less formality, and more spontaneity; less ruts and more passion. More structure without sacrificing freedom. The felt presence of a guiding hand. More faith, more truth, more love, more hope.

mac & cheese is tasty

As I start to write this, one Mr. Kitty comes and decides to cuddle me. What could be better than that?

Life's been crazy lately, and I often don't know where to turn. There are so many whirlwinds passing around me. I do have good times though, so it'll all work out, I hope.

Money. Root of all evil. Something trivial and yet humanity places such a great value on it. With the system abolished, or with more in hand, everything would be just fine.

I went to the Tillamook Cheese Macaroni and cheese cook off. There was so much tasty food goodness. It was a free event, and I got a glass of wine, and so much food I was stuffed to the brim. The lady I voted for whose Mac&Cheese was OhMyGoodness good, didn't win - or even place, so that was kind of lame, but oh well.

Went to the pumpkin patch in North Plains yesterday with Brittany and Danny. It was pretty fun, and I enjoyed myself. We gave Britt a lot of crap for being super happy an excited, but I think she made the day. We took lots of video that'll be posted...eventually I'm sure. I'm really excited for Halloween, even though I don't have a costume super planned out. It'll be fun regardless.

John sold his computer, and went and got a lesser model. But... we only came out having an extra $120, and then he bought a midi controller for $40, so...yeah. Don't know if it's worth it really.

I don't know if there's even a point to updating ... because things are always the same with such minor variations.

Le Sigh. Off to see if Oregon can give me money now.

I'm not pregnant and I have a job.

Well, I peed on a stick - negative result. That's relieving, but not sure what's going on then with the sore boobs and the hormonal crazies and the constant annoying fatigue. Testing again later this month if a ness doesn't happen.

Work tomorrow begins my part time employment. This is going to be lame, because for some reason my manager didn't listen to me or something so I have a Mon.-Fri. 9:00am-1:00pm schedule. I'm also going to be making less than my prior unemployment was. Hopefully I can get some of that back though. Also, hopefully I can change to work 9:00am-6:00pm Mon-Wed. and have a wonderfully long weekend.

I'm hoping that everything will all be okay, but I'm feeling like it's just not going to be. The Mazda apparently doesn't exist anymore - the place it got towed to shut down without letting anyone know. That reminds me, I need to call the Police Department tomorrow to see what I can do with that.

I tried to get a loan with First Tech to consolidate all of the debt I've got going on, but because of the Mazda I was unable to do so. This is going to make paying for the wedding really hard. However, it appears that my grandparents are going to be helping even though they told me no way they'd be able to. This opens up a little bit more optionality for us. If they cover the location, we'll be able to do catering - which will allow us to have a lot more relaxation.

Relaxation would be nice. I've been stretched to the breaking point, and feel like my depression is starting to beat me. It's been to the point where I'm starting to feel totally deadened. Oh, there's panic, pain, worry. I did get excited while looking at wedding spots.

I think that I would be feeling a lot better if there were equal contributions coming in. I've been working 40 hours a week and John's been....? One day last week he did some laundry and picked up a little bit. However, I've been working all day for a month. His unemployment is hardly anything. In addition, he's spending ridiculous amounts of money. While I may have some debt that was before him - he's been piling on way way more debt than money he's bringing in. Makes me feel like he's taking advantage of me in a way. With the wedding to plan and so much debt in addition to the Mazda bringing us down with it we should be spending absolutely nothing and throwing anything we have into the debts. Instead, John's spending on credit cards and we're not able to pay bills. I understand not wanting to settle, but come on! I worked at Target for fuck's sake. He won't even apply to Subway or anywhere else that he doesn't think is...what? Good enough for him? I don't know. Something HAS to happen, otherwise this just isn't going to work long-term. Eventually something will break. It just will, and it doesn't matter how hard we try to keep it together.

John's reaction to the potential pregnancy was enough to tell me things aren't totally perfect. I'm freaking out - but because we don't have insurance and John doesn't have a job. John's freaking out because it means he'll "have to be an adult."

Le sigh.

It's so Top Secret

John said something yesterday which didn't bug me at all then, but has since started to make me wonder. Corey, his best and arguably only friend, asked to speak with me when he and John where chatting on the phone. Before handing me the phone, John told Corey I was Clearance level zero. So, whatever, right? Had it been any other person I wouldn't have given it a second thought and would have assumed that it was just boys being silly or something to that effect at least. Well, it's not any other person, and that made me think. I should, as someone willing and wanting to spend the rest of my life with John, not only have more than no clearance, but be admitted to know more than Corey does about the goings on, thoughts, etc. in John's life past and present. I not only want this, but expect it as something which is naturally in place. In my life, John gets to know everything, not only about me, but about every person that I come into contact with. There is nothing that I would not share with him about my life, or the lives of my family and friends. He is my significant other, and despite time constraints – we are in a “serious” relationship here. If I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone, it should be with someone who is willing to share the very darkest and hidden corners of their mind and soul with me. There are somethings which people keep to themselves, and that is fine. If John has a need to keep something to himself, than it should be kept to himself. If it is something he can share with a friend, then it is something he can share with me. John is definitely one to try and beat around a subject, tell half stories with enough vagueness that you're confused about the general plot structure. I've noticed this, and begin to prob on occasion, but that doesn't get me anywhere other than slightly irritated and often more confused. I have learned through my breakup with Clint not to be too trusting. I understand that people will often not do things as they should. Still, I wouldn't hold it against John if he didn't want to take out a loan together, or have a bank account in both our names. These things are what screwed me over now, and I realize that they were mistakes. The only time to become so tied to someone is once you have said your vows, and even then it can be kind of risky.

I mention this, because I received a letter in the mail from the DMV saying that my license will be suspended as of the 24th because of the accident I was in. Of course, I wasn't in any accident, but Clint was and totaled the car which, while in both our names, was primarily mine according to documentation. The electric bill he didn't pay for his apartment is now transferred to my bill so I could start new services here. My grandmother has been called with collection agencies looking for Clint, I've been contacted because he's months behind on payments. It's all completely ridiculous and he's causing me way more trouble than he's worth.

In other news, we've got food stamps coming in now for 208 a month, which doesn't cover all of our estimated cost – but 2/3 of it hopefully will be plenty. As we over budgeted things like utility and electric costs as well, and my monthly minimum payments for the credit card are lessened too – we might just be okay. Timing might be off on some things, but everyone will get payed in time, probably. I still owe 400 and some change to PCC which I believe needs to be payed off before I get my diploma, or am able to get official transcripts. Which sucks, because I might not have the money needed to pay that off until I get Financial Aid/ Loans to go to PSU which won't happen unless I am able to send them my official transcripts. Catch 22, for the lose.

I think that the passion that was missing may be back... or at least it was night before last. Is it so wrong to want to feel wanted? I don't think so.

an update

Well, I promised an update...so here's an update.

The apartment we've got is pretty decent. Besides the little kids that are like gang warring each other and our neighbor that snores so loud we can hear him and the thumping of the Mexican music all the time... just dandy. The pool is nice, even though we only want to go when there aren't people there which means it's dark and the pool is closed. Hasn't been to much of a problem thus far though.

The unemployment coming in is a lot less than their estimated figure...only pulling in 238 a week. So I've got my applications for Food Stamps and Section 8 -- I can only hope that something comes through. I'm looking at -$800 a month until John's unemployment comes in and then we're at -$500. So we need some jobs or... a Fairy Godmother... or something. A money tree would be great. Hopefully Uncle Sam pulls through. All those taxes I've been paying over the years and such. A little assistance until someone figures out that bailing out companies isn't working and lets the market stabilize. Or... just you know solves it somehow.

John and I are super happy and such in the relationship field of things. I think if his ex would stop sending him texts that are... I don't know, inappropriate would probably be the best word, that there wouldn't be any friction between us. I cannot blame John for this though, and at least he's being honest with me and such so it's not, like... too bad.

I need to cash out my 401K deal, that will help a smidgen. In addition, hopefully I can get some money from my whole graduation deal. That's the par for the course gift, right? With a little luck and a whole lot of faith - maybe we'll pull through. A couple minimum wage jobs doing bullshit would be great. Know of any? I've been putting in applications and sending resume's everywhere with no avail thus far.

Keep on keepin on, right? I just hope that I can do all this without begging, borrowing, or stealing. Anyway, without money/job woes everything is fine. I think that I can get some loans going and school and such to even everything out. Here's hoping.

I'm unprepared

I've got the two money orders needed to make the deposit + first month's rent in my wallet. I've got a time set to go in, sign papers, and get the keys.

I do not have one thing packed. I do not have a truck lined up with which to move said things which have yet to be packed. I will hopefully be unloading the unpacked things from the truck which doesn't exist within 24 hours time into my new apartment. Yeah, somehow I think we lacked a bit of proper prior planning. Sad thing is, it's kind of a common occurrence with us. Although sometimes it works out okay. Well... most times I think.

I'm not even going into the money portion of it, eep! Thank goodness for Drew. Without him wanting pretty computer-ness we'd be down to $20 for two weeks. Not so grand at all.

Here's to hoping he actually tried to get a job. Here's to hoping he actually takes the time to call the Employment office. Here's to hoping he keeps trying to get in touch with his sister, or exist in general. A birth certificate would be a good start. $12 from the state of Maine.

*Breathe* Sorry if that was retardedly snippy or snarky or whatever term you'd like to use. Faith, right? Faith.

Oh and here's a self reminder to put in claim for unemployment Monday. Joy.

you have to stop on an even number or else explode

Hi, my name is Stephanie. I am freaking out in a medium to slightly hot fashion hot sauce style. I tend to base things on hot sauce scale.. mild, medium, hot. Yeah. So here's my list of all the things stressing me out and/or making me not happy.

1) My credit card that I thought I needed to buy a fantastic laptop decided that because I payed one day late they were going to retard out the interest rate to 29.9% and charge me a fuck ton of late fees. I am broke enough already, people! So with my debt on there it's going to be close to $500 a month in interest. Good luck me paying that off, EVER.

2) I have yet to pay my school. Because I had to give Az money for the apartment and put food in four bellies, I don't know when this will happen. More money needs to come out to provide roof for aforementioned four bellies. I would put it on my interest free credit card, however... it's now a 30% interest credit card.

3) The apartment hasn't approved John yet. This is minor in the scheme of things, but it's on the list. I, however, am approved and good to go. If he has no credit, we might not have enough to pay for the move-in fees.

4) Transferring to the new contract at work was supposed to make me lose $0.50 which isn't great, but not fantastic either. However, recent news has come to light which makes it sound very possible that I will be losing $1.75 an hour from my wage. That's close to $4,000 a year, before taxes. Hey, at least I'll be able to get into VALF, right?

5) This contract that I love is ending. Fifteen days, that's it. Something which I have worked so damn hard for and put my everything in -- gone. Well, that's typical of life, isn't it? What's the lesson here, don't try?

5) I am so far behind in school, it's ridiculous. I'm pinching and contorting to fit myself into these boxes. I don't even care anymore! I just want to be done. If I get C's I'll be super sad, but fuck it, I'll survive.

6) I have two weeks to figure out if I'm going to go to PSU or not in the fall. That application costs money, money I do not have and I don't have fake money to balance on right now either for the most part in a feasible and sane manner.

7) The relationship I am in has been very tense due to all this stress. It's like a new born being exposed to the wild elements. I don't know if it can take it, or if the storm raging around it will fracture its soft and gentle skull. I want nothing more than to find solace in him, and let him be the eye of this storm and carry me through. I cannot depend on others for peace in myself, however. I should have learned a long time ago that you can only depend on yourself and your strengths in life. More information on this section can be found in the blog prior.

8) My apartment is a mess and a half. Sure, it's super tiny which does not help, but it's driving me crazy. I have to put mental blinders on. However, in the priority of things school and relationship come first. Therefore, it can fucking wait until those things are on a perfect track or I just freak out and explode.

9) I'm super self conscious these days. I can't stand the shape, texture, anything about my body external and in. I also feel like I am starting to fray and/or break at the seams mentally and that my very chemical composure is off.

10) My piercing is super itchy and I keep bumping it when I try to get the hair out of my face.

11) I'm having to deal with this whole computer transaction deal. I love Drew, but I can't give all those tech answers, and I don't know what to do that would appease both parties. It really would have been better if he had done it, but that's pretty much over and done with now anyway.

12) I need to change my transmission fluid, and get people to stop hitting my car. What is it about my car that screams "Please, for the love God won't you please smack me with your door, back into me, run into me, anything!!!!"? My car needs TLC not smashery.

There's probably more, which is disheartening. I, however, was supposed to be out of this building 16 minutes ago. So... if I seem on edge, you know a little bit why.

I'm Breathing Manually.

Aah. I can breathe!

Okay, sorry all for the craziness that's not even important. I know that no one would kick someone out for $40.33. For living illegally without a lease, yes, but the late fee shouldn't play into affect as long as they get their rent on time.

The package we'll get eventually, patience is a virtue and all that jazz.

We'll find another place to live. If we do get kicked out we'll find some people who will let us couch surf until we can find a place of our own we can afford. Beg, borrow, or steal - we'll survive.

DHS says I can get 10.00 in food stamps, so that's not even worth the trouble of applying. Although, the calculator said someone making minimum wage would only get 70.00 which seems - not right. If you make nothing, you can get 298.00 so that makes a bit more sense I suppose.

It's really funny and sad how nicotine, food, and country music have calmed my frazzled nerves to the point I can breathe again. I feel kind of guilty for falling to altering substances - but .. whatever. I'm not going to hold it against myself and I hope you don't either.

I can only pray that everything will smooth itself out and that no matter what happens there'll always be a silver lining. If you believe in such things, throw a couple good words up for me - will ya?

Alright then, it's time to get back to work and catching up on some television broadcasts. Oh, and homework for sure!

Updates and redundancy

I don't really know what I can write that will be anything more than a redundant recap of prior posts... but I am extremely bored to the extreme at the moment so...

I think that Final Fantasy X is really pretty, but it for some reason puts me to sleep very quickly. I am beginning to think that it is because I am resting my head on his shoulder and cuddly that I am drifting off.

My cats are ridiculously adorable, even though they are all about BAMSAP (break(ing) as much shit as possible) these days. Well, every day really. They are also all about random video game noises at unnecessary times. I love them though, and am happy they are becoming adjusted to their new surroundings. Kitty seems a bit off, but he has since we got Merrick so...what can you do?

I'm still happily floating on my rift in time. I think that I will ride on this cloud until ... well as long as I can.

Money is still a major stressor, but I get paid in three days so hopefully - well, that paycheck already is claimed by credit cards and school so, I don't have any money yet again. I feel the need to give some to Az - but I can only give it if I have it so I don't know what to do. Not to mention that I need like 1,000 to move into a new place and don't see that happening so much. Hopefully he'll exist soon - or get a job of some sort.

What else is in my life? Oh school, for sure. I am getting into my school term rhythm again, so that's good. I just need to be a little more proactive with my astronomy class and I should be okay. I need to find an article published in the Northwest that I can relate to Astronomy (any ideas? it has to be recent). I also have to do a proposal thingy and come up with an idea for a project. Yeah, no ideas really come to mind. Maybe moon living, or UV reactive stuff. PE class is pretty simple because I love walking in Portland.

Speaking of which my foot got really bad there the last couple of days. Visible swollen and bruised and hurting without bearing weight. . . I have no money so I don't know what I can do but ride it out and hope that it heals in an okay fashion which lets me walk without a gimp.

Anything else? Need to change oil in my car, get Merrick fixed, find a new apartment, turn in my application for PSU, make sure my graduation papers went through, and... some how get enough money to complete that list.

The End

All that we are is contradictory to all that they say we should be.

I hope now you understand slightly more what I meant and that you have no cause for worry. I don't really know how to describe this hollow feeling but it is more than just the acceptance of love I know; for it is in conjunction with other emotions as well.

I can't really explain how I feel about you without feeling like I'm sounding like... well for lack of a better metaphor, I'll stick with one we've dealt with before "that girl at the party you make out with..." I get this sensation that ... that what I feel is irrational, and careless, and it terrifies me. I shouldn't be this deep four weeks in. That's not to say that I have any regrets or major apprehensions at all. It only means that I am aware of how I feel and the way in contrasts with societal standards. I know, I know - fuck society, right? Well... I am trying, and have been moderately so. Right? Right. For all that we are is contradictory to all that they say we should be.

Know that there is no place I'd rather be right now than wrapped in the covers, your arms, and bliss. I have obligations to attend to, but that doesn't mean that I desire them. Lately my desires have been singular and simplistic. You, kitty love, sunshine, distraction. So don't doubt me, or us. Don't contemplate and fret because you see the world in black and white and where I lie is in fields and gradients of gray. I have told you numerous times that I am a walking contradiction. I have never met anyone who contains as much duality in their personality as I, or at least have never seen the duality as much as I can see my own. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your mind. I hope that you can take me at my word and my actions and the way that I know I must look at you. You take my breath away sometimes, and I am surprised that you have any doubt at all.

I have never felt this stressed financially ever, except I don't know - when I was a kid feeling the stress indirectly. I am concerned that I won't be able to continue going to school because of finances and the state of the economy. I am worried that I will fall away from my friends when this contract ends. I am concerned that everything in my life is on the verge of being ripped apart. In the same token I feel like I removed from reality and living in a separate bubble than the rest of the world. Like I'm on a sort of vacation from reality. Which should mean that I don't worry - but it doesn't. I need to accomplish these things, I have to have these goals or I am lost.

Monies, school, eepness!

You have, well... anywhere from two weeks to a month and a half.

Guess it's out of the bag now, so I'm not breaking anything by blogging - right? That and it's not like anyone reads this thing that wasn't in a meeting today. So Stream has finally let us know that our contract isn't being renewed. Not like that is coming as a shock to anyone who was like ... alive in the past few months. Now I'm wondering if I should hound the mother-ship's HR department. Again this circling thought process revolves again. Oh, fuck it - I'm gonna have to take out loans to pay for school anyway.

I've never been this stressed about money before in my life. I've always been able to live within my means and be just fine getting whatever I really wanted. I was able to buy the furniture, television, whatever that I wanted while getting financed for two cars. I worked and he worked, and we did just fine. Now I'm having to wonder how exactly the bills are going to get paid. My credit card has zero percent interest...for now. That's up in like a month. Which is just around the time I won't have a job. Not to mention the fact that I won't be able to get unemployment if I am honest on my application. Students count for nothing apparently - let's fuck over the people actually trying to better their lives, sure that makes sense. Fuck!

Need to finish my FAFSA tonight, and hope that the government decides to be realistic in their expectations and gives me monies and interest free loans and grants and all the joy. I also need to put in PSU application, but ... that costs more money. I wish that we could abolish this system of trade based on pieces of meaningless paper. Or at least give free education so that our populace can reach it's potential even if they weren't born with a silver spoon in their mouths. An education, doesn't really matter in what - is better than nothing at all. I guess I can always go back to waiting tables - there's pretty much always a market for that. Also, I can probably get hired at a Rose's since I did training for them in the past and have done like everything front-end. Le sigh.