Monday, July 13, 2009

internalized problems

I kind of explained my feeling, or lack there of to John who said that's how he felt – he knew he loved Emily, but didn't feel it and then he slept with someone else (no, not me...). I don't know if he's actually worried about that... it wouldn't make sense for him to be. Even if I were the type to cheat, we're together all the time as neither one of us have jobs.

I realized that as I try to be a confident and self reliant individual I am failing in these aspects. I have become reliant on the government to pay for everything I could hope to have. Food stamps and unemployment don't exactly scream independence. I've mailed off my college application and eagerly await a reply of acceptance, maybe then I can take out loans and get more money from the government to help me out. Le sigh. Eventually I'll be done with schooling and have a real career and be able to pay back to the world. However, I'm not so sure about the confidence issue. One, I haven't been able to find employment. I should be able to get an office job easily, I would imagine. It doesn't take much – and I have the experience needed. Or, rather, I thought that it would be easy, didn't take much, and that I had the necessary experience/skills. So I'm failing in the work realm. In the home realm, things aren't much better, but this is due mostly, I think, to lack of motivation. The apartment is messy and disorganized. I did make the room functional and relatively clean yesterday evening, which greatly helped my overall view of the possibility of perfection. I am worried about the quality of relationship that John and I have as well. I do not feel like I am providing him with all that he desires or needs out of a relationship. He will say that all he wants is me, that I am perfect for him in this time. Although, that quantifier that he puts on it does make me uneasy. “in this time.” I mean, well... I'm not perfect so therefore must not be perfect for him for all time, right? I am sure that he does love me, but... I don't know. A lot of things compound together to give me this feeling. I'm not sure exactly what those things are.. moments that just seem off key, his lack of enthusiasm for me in general and especially, uh, romantically. Then we have the ever persistent Emily issue which will never go away, because he still believes that he was right in his judgment and actions. His number is probably getting changed on his phone, and he did say that it would be okay because then she wouldn't be able to get a hold of him even if she did try. Not really sure how I was supposed to respond to that, but I was conflicted. He still will say he is right, then why not have her contact him?

Employment, home, relationship, and self are my confidence short falls of late. I myself feel... I don't know, if I had to sum it all up into one word I'd say gross. I'm emotionally dead and mentally drained which probably does not help the situation any. I look at every aspect physically and am repelled. I feel completely inadequate in every trait in regards to my physical appearance. I'm not sure if it is this appearance or my perception of such which has changed because there for a while I was feeling alright about myself. Now, however.... not so much. I have nothing but criticism for any of my physical attributes these days. It's not all the time I am conscious of this, but just...when I see myself? Look down at my legs and feet, and just everything. Ugh.

Well, that's about all I've got in me for the moment. Life's drama isn't really comparing to my internalized problems, which I'm sure are all for naught.

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