Friday, July 17, 2009

it's all matters of perception

I think that John and I may be finally over this ever persistent issue. Yes, I do believe that he is wrong in his logic and reasoning in the matter. However, because in his mind he did not choose something over me, then he didn't. Which is what was really bothering me more than anything else anyway. Yes, I was right. Yes, Emily was and seeming is still in love with him. She's also across the country and doing her best to get on with her own affairs. I don't think that she knows how John and I actually came together, or that there was no infidelity. He didn't even kiss me until the day she was supposed to be going back to Virginia, and we had planned our first date for afterwards. However, she didn't end up leaving for Virginia until we were officially a couple...but that's not really the faults of either of us.

I don't know why it concerns me so much anyway, how she feels or what she perceives. I can only think that the Clint situation made it as such. In a way, although not as horribly, she is me and I am Jaime and John is Clint. Although, I promoted their relationship, and tried to keep John and Emily together. And, John and I didn't have sex until a couple weeks after we had returned from our trip to California...which began after Emily was already back in Virginia. Regardless, the emotional-ness was there, and that's what's most important anyway - especially for her I would imagine as she cheated on John with multiple people on numerous occasions. Anyway...

We came down to the conclusion that John does not perceive the world as the vast and wide majority of people do, and that if I am to be with him I will have to realize that. He also gave some insight to my prior explanation of him not being happy in the relationship and lacking in that once held spark. He stated it as "I'm not going to give you fireworks if you're just going to blow yourself up." He was worried about the continuing fighting as I was, but rather than put more into the relationship because of it he was becoming withdrawn and assuming that I wanted things to end.

There's a real communication issue between John and I, and it's not that we don't communicate. We actually both are fairly open with each other (in matters of the relationship we are in at least) and so by normalcy there shouldn't be any problems. However, we both seem to speak completely separate languages, or at least two opposing dialects. His perception of what truth, love, and humanity are are completely different from anything I've ever heard of. Which leads me to utter confusion. If the great thinkers of history (Plato, Aristotle, etc.) and modern thinkers, and anyone I've ever met or read or heard of all think one way, how am I supposed to come to terms with someone who thinks entirely different? I don't know exactly, but I am working on it. In most matters this difference is refreshing and thought provoking, however, in matters of what he perceives a lie to be - not telling someone you love them if you do, and what love is -- the act of not telling them would require a complete emotional shutdown... well, this leaves me perplexed. I understand it in the most simple terms. If someone says they love you, and you reply I don't you..that's a lie if you love them. However, if someone says they love you, and you reply with... nothing, or continue the conversation, or thank you, or aaww you're sweet or something I don't see that as a lie.

Regardless, I think we realized that we are each totally and one hundred percent right with the contexts we are able to understand and that we live our lives in. So, there isn't really an issue anymore. That being said, it would make my life much easier if he never told her he loved her again, or if he decided that she's not worth any trouble and just didn't contact her at all. I think that if I were to ever hear him say he loved her, or see it in writing to her... I would have a major internalized struggle. For, I do realize his perception and how he understands the situation, but that does not mean that I at all agree. In contexts I can understand, he is completely mistaken on the matter and it should never have been an issue. Oh well. We will either realize the differing perspectives and be okay with that as we are now, or (the better of the two) come to a compromise of perspectives naturally as we grow together.

In other news... OnPoint put an insurance policy on the Mazda themselves, so if they can take a look at the car then they'll possibly cover all of the loan minus 500 deductible. Also, if Clint and a notary sign something saying he was responsible for insurance and operating costs of the vehicle then my license won't be suspended. Hurray, right? Well, generally you would think so. However, Clint is being less than helpful so... I don't know. My next step is to contact an authoritative figure in his life and see what happens I suppose...

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