...so you all get an update on my life as of late.
There's been tons of irregular sleeping/eating patterns happening, which isn't too terribly bad since there's no work or anything going on. I do feel super lame when I wake up at 4pm though. Tomorrow - or rather later today I'll need to be up because I'm going to hang out with the lovely Azurell. God, I'm such a twitter addict, I almost wrote @azurell instead. My bad.
So the Clint issue kind of hit full force the past couple days. I was supposed to go to lunch with him, but John mentioned that it would make him uncomfortable and lead to the end of the relationship. So, I told Clint that I wouldn't be able to hang out at that time, of for anytime soon. Clint was super hurt by this and so we had some text and e-mail conversations about it. He said a lot of things that I had been waiting to hear. How he was sorry, that he messed up and hopes to have me in his life in at least some way. He was upset that I chose John over him, which...come on, how could you not?
Eventually he called me and we ended up talking for almost two hours. We talked about the issues that we had. I said my peace about everything. I cried, he cried. Closure. I feel horrible that I have to cut him out of my life, but I guess there is still the internet and telephone and such. He will always be a part of my life, he was too integral to disappear forever.
I understand how John feels in a way. True, I wanted him and Emily to stay friends but merely cut out the inappropriateness -- but he ended up having to end the relationship to do so... or she did. I'm not really sure. He did remove her from the social networking sites and she doesn't have his new phone number... However, I did find out that he randomly remote desktops into her PC. Can you say not okay? So very not okay. That's creepy to the extreme for one, for two -- he needs to get over her. He hasn't yet, and that's okay...but he needs to.
I'm not sure where John stands now with the Clint situation. He realized that I feel bad about the situation, I think he assumed that I wouldn't care. He said that he was stepping out of the situation and for me to do what I thought best. Which is... I have no idea. I don't want there to be any resentment between us, and I don't want there to be double standards either.
Unemployment has got to be the worst thing. I haven't not had a job since I was 15, and now there's just this huge emptiness. This lack of contributing to anything more than myself, it's just, I don't like it. That and money is kind of important to functioning. Food stamps and UI help, but they definitely do not make up for full time employment. I've had a couple interviews and such, but rejection after rejection. It's kind of lame. I know that I could do the job, and better than the majority of people out there. Whatever.
I feel like a child who got dropped into this body. I have these grownup concerns, feelings and desires but no way of dealing with them accordingly. Everything is terrifying and I feel like any day I'm going to wake up to find the hollow shells of all this blown away. John mentioned something about putting on a face, and I think the truth is - every single one of us feel like we put on a face for other people. I don't know why - but we do. Whether or not there is one there or not, well, that's up to the individual. I think in a lot of cases it's just the divide between who you are and who you wish you were that causes that feeling. You don't want to admit who you really are. Either that, or I'm just rambling. I feel the same way, like the world can't see the true me. I tried to start this blog to remove the outer layers, I'm trying to be real and honest. I am concerned that John will either be who I know him to be, but change for some reason - or that he really is hiding behind something. There are a lot of things that I don't agree with him on a lot of things, and his past before me seems like mistake after mistake - poor judgement calls lined up in a row. I don't know...not everything, but... a lot. Anyway...
That should be enough reading for anyone. If it doesn't make sense - tough. I was listening to music and that takes my brain away from my fingers so they kind of do what they want.