13 weeks, 4 days

Yes, I've been holding out on writing a blog.

You see... I sat down and started to write one but all I could think was...

If they're following me, my life, then...maybe they care, and if they care they should know

I'M PREGNANT

I'm mean... no big deal or anything, just creating life in my belly.

So...A bit about life, an update, and such.

Uh.. let's see... the last update I did was for our one year legal marriage anniversary. Well, that was a day before Christmas Eve.

On Christmas Eve work was slow, so I took some VTO and went to Kmart with some coworkers. I grabbed a coat for Johnathan for Christmas (one which he returned b/c apparently I have no style), and a pregnancy test. I was three days late and had felt like I'd been PMSing for a month so... it seemed like a good idea. A coworker Sam prompted me too (essentially forced me? :-p). I then went back to work and took it...because why not. There they were... two pink lines staring at me in the face. Hugs and such and me walking up to my manager and asking to speak to her in private and the first thing she says is "you're pregnant, aren't you?" and I was all... "uh.....yes?" Apparently that made sense, or something.

I put the stick in John's coat, go home, and have him "try the coat on to make sure it fits" and ask him to check the pockets. I pee on the second stick, just to be sure. We have a good freak out and go back to ignoring the situation at hand. He doesn't want to tell anyone because of the genetic instances of miscarriages and the fact that our roommates said they'd have issues with a baby, and our due date puts us a good two months before our lease is up. So... of course I tell my bestie and the grandparents, but ask them to keep it mum.

Nausea, complete loss of sex drive, hyper smell, all that good stuff.

Then work fires me, for a not great reason, but a reason nonetheless. So, they cover themselves, and don't have to worry about covering any maternity leave stuff. Good for them.

Unemployed, I make my way to the doctor's office on January 23rd. See the heart of my little baby thunking away, but that's about it because he's sooo small. 

January 26th Johnathan gets laid off from his job... =( Because he already filed for unemployment earlier in the year when he was making little... his monthly income is now about what his weekly income was while working...

Feb. 14th I go to the Perinatal clinic to get tested for Down's and Trisomy-18. I get really good pictures of the baby, sucking her thumb and everything. (I'm trying to switch up pronouns... but he/him will probably squeak out more...) 

Feb 15th my roommate Chue lets me know that one of his coworkers quit and they need someone ASAP. I'm familiar with the tools, and the business, so they hire me that day, and I start on the 16th. I'm waiting to tell this employer until it is quite apparent that I've got a parasite taking over my insides to avoid any 'reasonable' firings or anything of the like. I probably will lose the job once I give birth though, especially since a coworker has scheduled a month long vacation which starts the same time the baby is due.

Today (Feb. 20) I go in to get the lady parts swabbed for cancer and go over results (and hear baby's heartbeat!). I'm negative on all the bad stuff and my chances of having a baby with Down's or Trisomy-18 are significantly lower than other people my age. I've got another appointment mid-March for followup testing and to check for spinal cord/stomach defects.

Since everything from the first round of screening looked good, and I'm passed the first trimester where miscarriages are significantly higher... there's no denying that there's a baby in there! (Not to mention the fact I can no longer button any of my pants.... :-\)

So... there you go world. I am scared, excited, stressed.... Grateful that I have a job now, worried that John does not. Thankful that our government recognizes the need for pregnant mommies to be to have free/affordable health care. Looking forward to having a baby shower and getting in a room of people that all know I'm pregnant and are happy about it. I welcome hand-me-downs, words of advice/encouragement, and most of all --- love. I've wanted this for so long, and now that it's here... I'm honestly terrified. There's so much to do, to be done... now and then forever. I'm so blessed to have the love of my family and amazing husband and I know that somehow, someway we'll make it through. I'm anxious to meet the baby - for one plus one to equal three.

 ♥All because two people fell in love. ♥

Oh, and, it's close enough. Love you Tan!

♥ 14 months ♥ 19 months ♥ 35 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥

Day late...

...but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?

I haven't done one of these in a while...well, I haven't posted in a while either, so I guess it just about evens itself out.

Happy Anniversary my love! While it's not our more celebrated date, it's there. Our signing the papers and now it's official day. I think giving our Christmas gifts early and a super tasty dinner was a fine way to commemorate the day, even if it wasn't planned out that way.

Tan, my tan. I never would have thought so much would happen in just one short year. Look how far we've come. Not where we wanted to be, but still together and still loving each other. Still having each other's back and sharing in this life we're building. Brick by brick. Arm in arm. Always.

You are still my forever, still passing the porch test, still being that wonderful misfit I've loved for so long. I can't imagine a life without you in it, I don't want to. There is no way out, no back up plan, no expiration date.

I can't wait to build up our life even more, to purchase this home in which we live, to have actual children fill the rooms instead of roommates. I see us in a few years, lighting up the same tree, hanging our own ornaments, being where we want to be.

It's been nearly three years since we took a leap; almost a year and a half since we were married in the eyes of God and all we love, a year since we were married in the eyes of the state. While each chapter has its up and downs, each one has ended with the story being better than it was before. For that, I am grateful, for you I am grateful.

♥ 12 months ♥ 17 months ♥ 33 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥

Thanksgiving

Our family, over the years, is getting smaller - not larger. There are no new little ones prancing around infusing the air with their laughter; with the drama enveloping each one of us in our particular family units, and as a whole, it's hard to remain optimistic and cheerful.

While it was no great loss to me to have my parents removed from the family hierarchy, I know that it did affect some, especially my grandma. By taking me in, by loving and adopting me, her own son turned his back on her. She had to lose him. And, rightfully so. There were no poor judgements made and I don't think any regrets. He's no one to want around, at all, but still, he's family. With that we lost three.

With the issues lying between my Aunt Christie and Uncle Dave... there was bound to be a family member lost. However, with his death and her person struggles... we're down another two.

Each family unit has there own struggles, and causes for concern. Each has their own reasons for not being there. Yet, the holidays don't seem to feel like holidays anymore. It's not like I remember them, anyway. Maybe that's part of growing older, and maybe things will have more life when I have tiny little feet pounding their way in front of me. Maybe it's just that the family unit is not what it once was. I mean, we can't go back to what things were, and maybe it's better this way....

It's just sad, the emptiness that seems to be there even in a full house.

I am thankful for the family I do have. For the love they have of me. I am thankful that even though we (or John more so as I ran the numbers over...) owe them so much, they don't seem to hold it against us. The same goes for all the friends he's in the same situation with as well.

I am thankful that though times are hard, there's a light always at the end of the tunnel. As long as we keep working towards that light, I think everything will be okay.

I am thankful that I am one of the lucky ones. With a Thanksgiving dinner to go to, with a roof over my head, with a car to drive. With friends, family, a husband that love me and that I love in return.

Quite simply, I am thankful for love.

I am no where close to where I thought I'd be now in my life. I am getting there. And I can't say I'd trade what I do have for what I thought I would. It's been an uphill battle, but things are - little by little - falling into place. I am determined to have it all, no matter what. I am hopeful that our love will carry us through. That no matter what dark storm clouds loom, that we can hold on to a warm ray of light that is our love, and that it will be enough. It isn't always, but I have faith for us, it will be. Our love is bright, and strong, and more real than I ever imagined possible. It is nothing trivial, it is not easily abandoned. For that, I am grateful.

I hope that all of you have wonderful Thanksgivings, and that the rest of your holidays follow in suit. I wish you all the very best, and hope your world - dark as it may be - is filled with love.

Fall Update

Where to begin?

It's been since a long time since my last post, and an entire world away. I'm not even the same person that I was September 19th....

New house is amazing, everything I could have hoped for. It truly feels like home, and that's a feeling I haven't had in quite a long while. It's nice to be able to have people over and not feel any negative feelings towards where I live. We got a new living room set too, which probably helps in that. Can't feel bad when you're flopped out on a giant comfy leather sofa. Or...can you? Had a giant party to celebrate the new house and Halloween, and had someone decide to steal money from my purse. Since only two people were in our room unattended the list of suspects is just as small...but what can you do? That and John being sick for a week significantly killed our finances. Luckily our roommate Chue took us to get some groceries so we've been alright. Just barely.

New job is less than amazing. The hours leave John and I at ends trying to find time for one another. We've been managing, but it's definitely less than fun. At least we have Sundays. I tried to get a job at a daycare through an old friend, and hoped that my passion and ambition were enough to make up for lack of experience. Guess not, as I didn't even get a rejection call. Kind of has me back on the ropes. It was putting us in a sort of dilemma anyway since it would be for less money, but I was determined to work two jobs if needed so that at least one of them was in a field I have passion for and could possibly advance in.

Currently, I'm on the fence with people at work. I seem to fit in okay with the social circles in my new-hire class, although due to just wanting to spend time with Johnathan and not being in to the whole "let's get drunk and cheat on my significant other"/drama/random hook up scene I'm left feeling like an outsider as far as that goes. And, I guess, good riddance as far as the drama is concerned. There are definitely a lot of good people,  and one and one -- and away from alcohol, they all seem pretty together, or at least okay within their own right. So, for the most part, we'll keep the relationship at work I suppose, or limited to social outings where booze will be absent. Although, I've stopped receiving invites to anything so, we'll see.

Other than the new-hire class, I'm simply John's wife it seems. Everyone brings tidings of well-wishings for him, so I guess that's a good thing. But, politics there kept him from getting the recognition he deserved promotion wise - and I'm afraid that the same thing will happen to me by proxy. Stream keeps calling him begging him to come back, and I do believe that he would if we didn't need his larger paycheck at the moment. Still, there was enough behind the scenes there that kept him from moving up, and left him taken aback watching all the under-talented, under-experienced, under-intelligent individuals canoodle their way up the ladder.

We've finally got winter transportation squared away for the both of us. Time to park the bike and the Vert for the winter and let them wait for the green glow of a spring sun before emerging again. With Halloween past us, the holiday season is now in session. My birthday is followed a week later by Thanksgiving, a month later it's Christmas, then the New Year. It would appear that my resolution for last year isn't going to come to fruition. Right now, we're not really ready for it to either. Need to work on paying off the debts still, instead of constantly adding more and more as we've been doing. In a year, we'll have at least one major debt out of the way, and we'll be able to start really saving for a future. So, looks like no family for us for a few years at least. While I want to start a family, I also know that I'd be happier if I could give our kids the life that we want them to have, or at least a better one than we had for the first part of our lives. If it were to happen now, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever, but definitely would require some major reorganizing.

So...I guess that's a fair update? Not a whole lot really, but some things which have definitely altered my persona and outlook a bit. I feel older, more... grown up I guess. I look forward to the future with a different set of eyes. I look to John more and more to be the man I know he has inside, and am seeing more and more peeks at some levels of maturity. Let's hope so, he'll be twenty-seven in five months. And I, twenty-three in less than a week.

Speaking of which, not really sure what to do for the birthday. Dinner is our usual go-to at Montage or some place. Yet, finances are tight, so I'm not sure just what we'll be able to afford. Maybe we'll just grab Josh and Melissa and head down to Montage on Friday and forget the rest. Or just change it to a potlock something at my place. I dunno.

Same shit different day, and yet... not. It's all so transitional at the moment. The changing seasons - leaves scattered around, the house, the job, the cars, the new roommates, it's all such an adjustment. Such a change. Let's hope I can hold on to the center core of all that I am as the world gets caught in a whirlwind.

Showed you the truth

but you just shut your eyes
I guess you'll never see
through his well made disguise

I've been the one by your side
through thick and through thin
yet you turned your back on me
and let the devil waltz in

So you deceived me
you left me here alone
with a broken promise
 a broken heart
I must walk through this world on my own

will you ever see
the errors that you've made
will you ever know
the excellence that would’ve followed if you'd stayed

Will I ever forgive you?
Leaving me shattered on the floor
Will I ever forget?
Not a chance anymore

I'll never be there again
to hold your hand
to wipe the tears from your eyes
You've made your final stand

You turned from light to dark
You changed from all to nothing
You took my love, my good advice
and threw it all away for nothing

As the days tick by you'll find
a new world to fit into
False friends, false life
something to look forward to

There's no turning back
no unwriting wrongs
apologies cannot fix
All my scars and sobs

You ask me to believe
in this false idol you've found
Ask me to join you
without a protesting sound

To put aside the fact
he is evil in and out
To join with you against the tide
To simply shut my mouth

I will keep on fighting
though I am fighting for you
I will keep on trying
praying God will see it through

But even if you change
and see the monster inside
It doesn’t fix anything
you've wasted so much time

but fight is all I can do
Seeking  truth and justice
For though you've turned your back on me
I simply can't return the favor

Average.

A friend, Miss Leyna Rae wrote a poem about the whole American Apparel fiasco that's been buzzing in the airwaves. And, she got a pretty awesome internet shout-out that will hopefully bring her world into a new light. Which, she totally deserves, because... well, just read the writing folks.

I think that American Apparel's response was accurate, and I do think that the issues raised were perhaps too specifically directed at one company's perhaps poor word choice... but this got me thinking....

That the average demographic target is a size six. Six. 6. That the highest they will go on a run-way is a size four. Though, really, a 00 or 0 is more the cut of their jib. I remember being that size, in elementary school... I'd skip over the kid's section because my legs, even at that age were too long for their own good. So I fit my tiny frame into these size 0 pants, and that was okay. But.... that was elementary school. I feel sorry for anyone starving themselves to achieve a body shape that I had before puberty hit, when I could stuff my face full of whatever I'd like and it would melt away. When my teeth were still bucked and gaped, when my mother still cut my hair and I couldn't understand why it was such a poof ball.

Why bother starving yourself, to fit this ideal, to only make under $12 an hour? Because, let's face it, even at size 0 you're no super model. For the few that make it big, travel the world, sure.... while you're making plans to head to Europe, I'll sit in my coffee house and pen the next big thing.... and we can know in our heart of hearts that really, it's not going to happen. We'll end up working here and there, and maybe we'll get lucky enough to catch a break. But, probably not. Even the AMA acknowledges you probably aren't good enough to be a model.

34-24-34, 5'9".
Whoops.
What about 40-32-40, 5'10"?
That doesn't seem too bad....right?
Well... with the first measurements you're a 0-2.
With the second, you're a 12-14. Though, realistically I'm more 10-12, because somehow I can carry my frame pretty well. Should I just label myself as "bootyfull" and carry on my way? I don't know.... but I know that I shouldn't try to hit those teeny numbers staring me down. That I love, love! my curves. I think my assets are just that, I love being a 34 DD. I love having an ass that makes my husband drool. Sure... there are parts of myself that I'd like to change. I'd like to be toner, to lose the cellulite and stretch marks... I did, after all go from that size 0 to a size 10 seemingly overnight. I'd like to tuck my stomach in so that I'm more in that 10 inch gap that clearly marks an hourglass.

Lord knows there are days when I sit at my computer and I stare at these pictures of these women and I cry. My skin has returned with full force to something I never had to suffer through in puberty. My lumps and bumps and jiggles get the best of me. I want to curl up into the smallest ball I can make and hide there until my starvation causes the weight loss I desire. I ponder the ways I can go about this.... I've restricted my caloric intake, I've decreased the trips to fast food. There's a lot more I suppose I could to to sculpt myself into this picture perfect image...and occasionally downing a pint of ice cream when I'm having a bad day probably doesn't help.

Most days, I can find something about myself beautiful enough to carry through. I'll wear a dress in which my breasts look fantastic. There'll be a pair of pants that lift my backside in just the perfect way. I'll find the right color of hair, and my straightening iron will infuse my hair with magic instead of split ends. My eyes will look super blue, and maybe I've done my makeup with enough skill that my acne is all but hidden. And I'll throw on some colors that work well with my palest of skin, and it'll be okay for a moment. A brief moment. And if worse comes to worse there's always photo editing. And with the right makeup, lightening, and blurring of the fine lines I can create a photo that resembles me, but better, and maybe I'll share it with the husband. Maybe I post it to Facebook in the hopes that I can hide behind it. See, see!? I really am pretty! I am! You can see it right there, in that picture, just taken yesterday! I can't be this greasy pig, I just can't, because there's photographic evidence to the contrary. And who cares if it's edited 12 different ways, the basic structure's the same. So, I must be pretty, you see... I simply must be....

So, while a target demographic might be a size 6 for women... it turns out, I'm perfectly average. An average woman is "162.9 pounds and wears a size 14". I bounce between 160-165, somewhere between size 10 and 14. So... there you go. Why does it feel so awful then, to go clothes shopping? Why aren't clothes formatted for the average woman? Why does it take me hours upon hours to find pants that don't cut into my stomach, that fit. If I really am the normalcy, then shouldn't it be the easiest for me to find a proper fit? I understand that finding something in length might be difficult, with the average woman also being 5'5". So, maybe I have to get something in a longer length than most. I have to be careful my dresses are a minimum of 35" long to avoid showing off any unwanted body parts... but, I don't think I should have an issue finding normal clothing tailored to the general shape of my body.

Which leads me to wonder, will eventually society change to accept the normal statistics? Or should we continue to try and fit into that size 6? I guess we can say good job American Apparel, and other clothing lines, for realizing that if you don't expand your sizes, you're alienating the market. It really shouldn't take a viral hit of a woman bathing in ranch dressing to open the eyes of the public that there is an issue. While I found the pictures taken to prove the point utterly disgusting, I think that was the intention. To photograph herself the way the world seems to view the average girl. That curves must mean food obsessions to the extreme, overeating.

To all the companies realizing they should expand to size 14 and beyond.... you're not making way for a special breed of plus sized ladies running around, 'freaks' that can help shovel in some extra cash. You're simply making way for the new girl next door.

Dissolving matter

Well then. Hurdle over, damage done, game complete. Right? Easier roads ahead, right? I mean, you get offered something that amazing and... right... sounds too good to be true, usually is.

Here I was thinking, yes... we've made it! The dog days are over!

We can have awesome jobs, house, car, kids! It's there, within our grasp! We can pay off debt, we can fix the holes in our soles. Finally it's all right there and then....

Slowly....
It all comes crashing down.

It's all marked in red.

It's all drug through mud.

And maybe it's because you just don't exist. You're nothing more than the delusion of my imagination and no one has the heart to tell me you're not real. So of course you couldn't have gone to college, because they tend not to enroll spirits. You can't create life because the seed of a ghost is as useless as his heart. It all feels real to me. But, you see, the only time you've ever existed is if I was with you. If I pull up the reports, if I'm there to witness ink on paper. If I'm not there to see it... you don't exist. You're my Tyler Durden of the most neurotic, narcissistic kind. I'm not just crazy for seeing you, interacting with you... I'm crazy because I fell in love with you, made love to you, fought for you...

And when the camera fades to black....

You're left with this bitter taste and knowing
Sure as sure and right as right and up as up
That I'd do it again.
Cling to your ions like they are my last chance at salvation
Because, really they are.
You may not be real, but you're mine. Each buzzing photonic burst of energy, each fleck of displaced matter.
Mine.
As nothing in this world has been mine before. Independently and yet connected to my own frame.
And if you dissipate as waifs are wont to do.... then I dissipate as well.
So my lovely ghoul, stay a while with me. Fufill my fantasy. If you're nothing more than the other half of my own aching heart, than continue on.
Perhaps one day we'll look back on this earthly time and chuckle our beyond-the-grave laughs. We'll ponder why having negative five hundred dollars in our bank account was such a stressing time, and why it mattered so much to have a home and warmth and food and love. Why it mattered so much to exist, to survive, to have gizmos and gadgets and ambition to improve.

As we drift our ethereal bodies into the cosmos maybe we'll realize the point of it all. Maybe we'll have regrets for the time spent on earth.

My time is worth it, waiting on you. My non-existing prince that stole my heart. Whether figment of my imagination, ghost, spirit, vampire... I love you. I have faith that you are real, that you can make yourself real not only to me in my eyes, but to others. That you can amass enough dust, fallen skin cells of the world, so that all can see the glimmer in your eye. That we don't have to wait until God call us home to be happy. That we can make for ourselves peace on Earth, even if it's only confined to four small walls. With this faith, I place my life, my happiness, and all that I am in your translucent hands.