Monday, October 26, 2009

my temper runs high

So. With that prequel out of the way, you can fully understand why I was upset when today I received this from my mother:

"I'm going to delete you. I wanted to see how you are doing and maybe be part of your life but it is too painful. I hope for your own sake that you come clean about who abused you and who you abused if only to yourself and your fiance.
My dad died so he didn't get the chance to walk me down the aisle and that forever makes me sad. You have a dad who loved you and cherished you above all else, including me. Why you turned on him I guess I'll never understand.
I'm sorry I couldn't be the mother you needed."

I turned on him, of course. These crazy people. Anyway, I retaliated rather than leave it alone...because, that's just me.

"What you do is definitely up to you. I am surprised to see you are still with someone who has held a gun to your head and knocked you unconscious in violent fits of rage. Perhaps it is you who needs to be honest with yourself and those around you. I still have nightmares about the things that I experienced growing up, and certain things will still send me into a panic attack. I try to convince myself that I'm not a child anymore, he can't hurt me ever again. I made the right choice by leaving and saving my own life. I don't understand how you could say no abuse took place when I had a gun held to me. How is that a loving and cherishing father? I do know that he wasn't all bad. Sure, we had some times that were okay. However, it was not worth risking my life to stay there to have those fleeting times of love. I thought that some day if you were willing to admit what happened, we could become close again. Maybe he's changed. Perhaps the realization that someone could escape his tyranny shook him enough that he cleaned up his act and has become a better person. I don't know. I myself have no evidence to this belief. If he had come to me, called me and apologized for all the times he ever hit me, all the times I was thrown downstairs or against walls by my throat. If he showed genuine emotion and was grieved by what he had done... I would be able to possibly consider forgiving him. I have been debating whether or not to invite you to my wedding in July. I know that you have your problems like anyone, but for the most part were just a victim like so many other women out there - and I can't hold it against you. You weren't always the best mom, but when you were on your medication and had your head on straight the only issues that were there were just my teenage authority conflicts. The only thing I have any regret over in the long run is that I didn't fight harder for Alex. While he had you literally throwing yourself in harm's way for him, he still received the physical abuse. I realized later, that the anger of your situation being known had a high probability in throwing your husband into an unstable state and that he only had you and Alex to take it out on. I will always be sorry that I wasn't able to save Alex. Always. He exhibits the classic symptoms of someone being abused, even now, I hope that his father has changed and that these are only after effects of his childhood.

This situation has taught me that no matter what someone says, your heart is the only thing you can follow. I was told that no one would ever love me, that I was undesirable. Now I am engaged to a fantastic man who would never dream of laying a hand on me.

I was told that foster homes were full of molestors and rapists. I learned that this was just another scare tactic to keep me from admitting what was going on. The foster parents I've met ... you and your husband couldn't even think of trying to hold a candle to.

I was told my grandfather was a cruel man. He's been my rock since I took it upon myself to escape. He is the kindest, gentlest, most sincere man I've ever known. I wonder how your husband became the way he is with such a father... I suppose some things are simply genetic. Based on his father's history, you'd have to agree.

I have learned that I am strong. That I can survive. That nothing and no one can kill my soul, try as they might. I was terrified to go into stores by myself, just in case he was there. I look at that scared child, crying at the police station, and I wonder why I didn't leave sooner. I'm sure things would have clicked better for you had he actually killed me, but I'm glad we didn't get to find that out.

Through all the lies, I can still forgive you. You were a child taken by this man, and it is normal for you to cling to him. You should never have chosen anyone over your children, but... you did. Still, just realize the truth of the matter. Whatever you've blocked out - painful as it may be, relive it. I don't expect you to apologize for what it he did, that was his choice - not yours. I may still be upset that you allowed it to continue for so long, but time will heal. All you have to do is stop this facade that nothing was wrong, that he's this perfect person. Just admit what happened. Maybe I'll be able to build a relationship with you off of that. I'd like for you to be able to see your future grandchildren, though they will never, ever be allowed to be alone with your husband unless something miraculous occurs.

I guess that's all I have to say."

Which -- also in my fashion is very, very long.

Anyway, now you know how my day went.

1 comment:

  1. Stephanie, you are a terrific person and you have many friends who love you. It's terrible that your parents weren't always there for you, but you can't change the past and you always have to keep moving forward. We're all here for you whenever you have a bad day, and I hope this one gets better.