Sunday, October 18, 2009

I'm not pregnant and I have a job.

Well, I peed on a stick - negative result. That's relieving, but not sure what's going on then with the sore boobs and the hormonal crazies and the constant annoying fatigue. Testing again later this month if a ness doesn't happen.

Work tomorrow begins my part time employment. This is going to be lame, because for some reason my manager didn't listen to me or something so I have a Mon.-Fri. 9:00am-1:00pm schedule. I'm also going to be making less than my prior unemployment was. Hopefully I can get some of that back though. Also, hopefully I can change to work 9:00am-6:00pm Mon-Wed. and have a wonderfully long weekend.

I'm hoping that everything will all be okay, but I'm feeling like it's just not going to be. The Mazda apparently doesn't exist anymore - the place it got towed to shut down without letting anyone know. That reminds me, I need to call the Police Department tomorrow to see what I can do with that.

I tried to get a loan with First Tech to consolidate all of the debt I've got going on, but because of the Mazda I was unable to do so. This is going to make paying for the wedding really hard. However, it appears that my grandparents are going to be helping even though they told me no way they'd be able to. This opens up a little bit more optionality for us. If they cover the location, we'll be able to do catering - which will allow us to have a lot more relaxation.

Relaxation would be nice. I've been stretched to the breaking point, and feel like my depression is starting to beat me. It's been to the point where I'm starting to feel totally deadened. Oh, there's panic, pain, worry. I did get excited while looking at wedding spots.

I think that I would be feeling a lot better if there were equal contributions coming in. I've been working 40 hours a week and John's been....? One day last week he did some laundry and picked up a little bit. However, I've been working all day for a month. His unemployment is hardly anything. In addition, he's spending ridiculous amounts of money. While I may have some debt that was before him - he's been piling on way way more debt than money he's bringing in. Makes me feel like he's taking advantage of me in a way. With the wedding to plan and so much debt in addition to the Mazda bringing us down with it we should be spending absolutely nothing and throwing anything we have into the debts. Instead, John's spending on credit cards and we're not able to pay bills. I understand not wanting to settle, but come on! I worked at Target for fuck's sake. He won't even apply to Subway or anywhere else that he doesn't think is...what? Good enough for him? I don't know. Something HAS to happen, otherwise this just isn't going to work long-term. Eventually something will break. It just will, and it doesn't matter how hard we try to keep it together.

John's reaction to the potential pregnancy was enough to tell me things aren't totally perfect. I'm freaking out - but because we don't have insurance and John doesn't have a job. John's freaking out because it means he'll "have to be an adult."

Le sigh.

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