Monday, October 26, 2009

a bit about my past

I'm not sure how many people read this. I'm too lazy to really care. I'm not sure of those readers, how many of you actually know me. Of those that do, how many know my past.

Well we can just say that it wasn't fun. My father was a very abusive and angry man who suffered from bi-polar disorder and depression. My mother was a classic victim of abuse. She let herself be the victim, blaming herself to the point of numerous suicide attempts. Since she blamed herself, she took no action to stop the violence that surrounded her. As a child I witnessed my father holding a gun to my mother's (and in teenage years my) head. I got to see my mother falling limp to the floor after having her head smashed into a wall by dear old dad. I was thrown up against walls by my throat, tossed down stairs, and the like. At fourteen he held a gun to my head and told me he would kill me if I left.

My friend had stayed with us for the week during a downside in my father's character. She had witnessed the abuse, and told her parents. At this point, I it was leave and risk it, or stay and die - the cops were bound to get called by someone.

So I made an excuse of returning an item to my friend's, and left. I didn't think about this very well. I didn't pack my things and leave them outside to grab before I made my escape. I left wearing a tank-top, shorts, and flip-flops. DHS ruled that I couldn't stay with my parents and enabled a restraining order that was soon broken. I bounced around aunts houses, and finally settled to my grandparents's. My parents maintained a shaky custody. They fought to have me shipped to a home for troubled girls in the south. My grandpa wouldn't let that happen, there were some lawyers, and viola I was adopted by my grandparents.

They're fantastic, they're family. If it weren't for my past I wouldn't be who I am, and I kind of like the person I've become some times. I've made some huge mistakes (*cough* buying the Mazda with Clint *cough*), but all in all I love where I am.

Johnathan is the most amazing person in the world. He may not have a job and be able to financially support me, but he will eventually - and the love he's given me and way he makes me feel so is worth it.

I love my Brittany! We are closer than we've ever been, which is pretty good after ... 10+ years.

My Azurell, Nate, Mouse, and... all the rest of you lovely lovely people. You were my rock after Clint and I split. You kept me alive, and for the most part sane.

I can thank every single person in my life, whether I hate them or love them for taking part in building a wonderful woman capable of her own destiny.

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