Sunday, January 23, 2011

It's been half a year...

... since we said "I do."

What's there to half a year? It seems like it passes us by so easily, without thought, really. Just as waves pound the shore endlessly, so do days pass through our life. Six months ago I woke up in a hotel room in Seaside, with nothing to wear but a wedding dress. Luckily, John brought multiple changes of clothes - and we're roughly the same size. So full of love, and hope, and friendship were we then. Laughing at caves built of bubbles. Here we are now, six months later in much the same state.

We laugh louder, we fight louder, we love louder. There's more acid, but also more sweet. We have a new goal to strive for, a new point in life to try and achieve. I think it really set in to my soul last night, just what this goal means. How much things will change. I'm excited, and slightly nervous. Yet, it is still a long way off. Many things need to happen for everything to be just so. It feels good to have a goal. To have things to work towards. Together.

Is the potential gain worth the guaranteed loss? It is something that I have to think about every day. Johnathan's eternal catch phrase of sorts. Yet, it is a good way to live - a way to put things into perspective.

Is the potential gain of a life time of happiness worth the guaranteed loss of ever being with another soul? Absolutely.
Is the potential gain of a family worth the guaranteed loss of autonomy? I think so.

And, I guess in some cases you can do the opposite. Is the potential loss worth the guaranteed gain?

Is the potential loss of your self worth the guaranteed gain of friendship? Never.
Is the potential loss of friends worth the guaranteed gain of being honest? Yes.

And so here we are. I may have removed people from life, but I kept the one that matters. The only one the matters, really. I will have him, and my family forever. That is something that I can count on. Keeping true to myself, always being honest and forthright, having Johnathan and my family. These things will always be worth the guaranteed loss, or gain - as the case may be.

You are my greatest gain. You are my everything.

Was the potential gain of your love worth the guaranteed loss of sleep, loss of inhibition, potential hypothermia? Every day I know it's true. I am so glad that I took the risk to be with you. That I was your friend, your listener, giver of advice. That I brought you peace when you were going through a rough time. I am so glad that I went with you: to pizza, to books, to frozen pools of water. To saunas, to ice rinks, to arcades. To giant steaks, and chop chop nights, and California. I'm so blessed that I've gotten to know you. To know the real you, the portrayed you. The you that only you and I know, the you that everyone sees - and all the yous in between. I will always be here to know more, to learn more. To be your friend as no one has been your friend. To be your lover as no one has been your lover. To be your confidant you can trust, your social experiment gone horribly or wonderfully awry.

The promises I made six months ago are the promises I make today, tomorrow, and into infinite forever. Love, respect, honesty. Support, comfort, unity.

♥ Six more months, six more years, six more decades. ♥

"The beetle says I'm ugly."
"Well do you love the beetle?"
"Then forget about the beetle. Good riddance!"
- Thumbelina

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