Monday, May 23, 2011

5/6 of a year

I find myself full of hate sometimes. Of anger so extreme I just want to scream. And, a lot of times I direct this at Johnathan. Sometimes with good reason... and other times, I don't know why. I hate him for not getting promoted or finding a different job. I hate him for not giving me the life I want, I hate him that we don't have a house and a child and a picket fence. I hate that he doesn't save money, I hate that he never listens to me when I've proven myself time and again to be intellectually sound and intuitively correct. I hate that because of his past relationships he felt so tied to, I am not with Brittany. I hate him for bringing evil into our lives. I hate that he makes excuses to not be involved with other people's lives but in doing so becomes more involved. I hate that he doesn't take other people into consideration, or that he takes other people too much into consideration. I hate him for the way I look, I hate him for the house being a mess, I hate him for there not being a libertarian president or a colony on the moon.

I find myself lashing out at him for the littlest things that aren't his fault at all. So many things build up inside of me. I hate that he snores, that he grinds his teeth, that he never brushes his teeth. So much anger just building and building and building - and I forget.

I forget to breathe, to think, to look at things objectively. I forget to ponder, to pose, to wonder at the small miracles surrounding us. Most importantly I forget to love. I forget to look at him for all his faults as the person I'm spending the rest of my life with, an ally and not an enemy. So, when I do breathe, I am amazed by what I see.

I amazed by the mole near his lip, by the curvature of his face. I am amazed by the curl of his hair as it falls on his forehead. I am amazed by the strength in his hands, the kindness in his eyes, the love in his heart. I am amazed that even though I have so much anger, he loves me. I am amazed by how wonderful his arms feel when I let myself be wrapped up in them. I am amazed at how my heart still flutters when our lips meet if I let it. Through all the anger I have at him, through all the bitterness in my heart - I can see what's really important if I just let it all go.


It's such a short little word, and for some is as easy as breathing. Well, I'm breathing manually. I'm living manually. It's so hard for me.

Of course I don't hate him. I just find myself clenching my jaw so tight and looking out at the world with so much hostility and I feel so slighted, and he doesn't see it. I can't help myself but think then that it is him to blame for all the injustice in the world. And, of course it isn't. But it's so hard to let the weight fall from my shoulders. It's so hard to let him into my core. To let the walls fall down. If I do that, who will protect me? There's no one. There's no one left. The one person I could count on is gone and I'm all alone in this world.

It's not his fault that the world falls into place as it does. He can't control other people's decisions in life. And the things he can control, the things that are within his power to change? To him, it's not worth it. Our priorities are just so slightly out of sync. But, that's no excuse to forget about what brought us together. No excuse at all.

So I will try to remember to breathe. To marvel at the world for it's goodness. The goodness I used to be able to see so easily. I will try to remember to shrug off the world and to let his warmth melt the ice I've built up around myself. When I lapse in my defenses, he still makes me weak in the knees, he still makes my heart swell with love and with the knowledge that he his mine.

I have to remind myself sometimes that he's not going anywhere. That this isn't temporary. That we've entered into agreement with one another that this is forever. Angry or sad or hurt or dejected must be taken, along with the joy. I keep getting this feeling like I need to hold on to him or he'll disappear, that I should ask him to marry me. And then I realize that he already did that. He already asked me to marry him, and I said yes, and it's been almost two years since he did. And we already said our vows, nearly a year ago. I already have him forever, so I don't have to worry. And it's okay to be wrong, and it's okay to let go of the past and it's okay to cry and it's okay to be broken and to be swept up in romance and washed away in love.

Yet, still I push him away. Still I put up this wall of everything that is wrong instead of focusing on the right. Still I hate over love, anger over forgive, despise over rejoice. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Here's to you loving me Johnathan, I hope that you still do - wreck that I am.

♥ 5 months ♥ 10 months ♥ 26 months ♥

1 comment:

  1. "There's no one left. The one person I could count on is gone and I'm all alone in this world."

    You are the only one keeping that person gone - they never wanted to leave, but did so at your request. They're still waiting, still hoping, and will continue to do so. You're not alone in this world. Not as long as they are still breathing.