Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The 'unofficial' start of summer was yesterday. There were nice parts, and rainy parts. That's kind of been the normal of late. In weather, and in life. I'm on a roller-coaster of hormones and heartache. That sounds like an awesome name for an all girl band - now playing Hormones & Heartache!

I don't know which is worse, or which is more in my control. I've got two months left (I think) of this pill and then I am DONE. D-O-N-E. I can't take it any more. I just can't. Not to say that au naturale would be any better though...

Heartache... every day there's an ache, a dull throbbing. Echoing, reverberating around everything I do, see, feel. I read and reread the e-mail my grandmother sent me.

"We as their loved ones can only set back, let them go and hope one day they see what they have done and we can put humpty dumpty back together again. That person will never be the same, they have broke their own rules, crossed their own lines and betrayed themselves. I guess it's all part of life. All we can do is sit and pray one day they make it out alive and come to their senses and try to mend things"

I keep trying to focus on that ray of sunshine, that child's laugh, that piece of cottony material floating on the wind. The love of my family, of my husband. The sweet, soft purrs of my kittens. The velvety feel of wine, the textures and flavors of life. They are there, and some days they triumph over darkness.

And then he'll get a text. He'll roll his eyes. He'll shrug and say "It's from Corey." I raise an eyebrow ask, "Is he just going to keep trying forever?"
"Yes" he says, "and he has that long."
"But doesn't he understand what he did to you.... to us?"
"No, and I don't think he ever will."

So we continue on, same as it ever was. Here today, gone tomorrow. The world feels better, brighter, the sun warmer, the birds kinder in their chirping.

And then I'll go through home video... I'll see us at the pumpkin patch, I'll hear the laughs of the four of us as we existed in perfect tandem harmoniously. Though I'm awful at recording, and it's making me seasick to watch, though most of it is audio with video of a clear blue sky - I sit, and I watch. 48 minutes of the way life should be, could be, would be.

I think about posting it, but... it is 48 minutes and I don't have any video editing software. And it's not like it would change anything. It won't bring them back, those people in the video. Not a single one of them. So I drown out my personal pain by watching a movie (My Girl in this instance) that I know will break me down. Or by listening to For Good - our song even before this madness, and just crying. Wrapped up in the emotions of memory, of someone else's pain "Where are his glasses? He can't see without his glasses!" I try to be strong.

I extend my arms as we ride on our motorcycle, cut through the air as if it were a solid and tumultuous being. I paint my face, and don a dress. I go to our old places, with new people. I try to rewind and record over the tape of my past.

Vegas this summer. I really want it to happen. Melissa, Josh, Caity, and Mouse are all going around the same time. Melissa has a hotel voucher something or other so we'd stay in the suite with them for free. So, all we need is $440 for flights (totally cheaper than the $500 for gas - nice) and then however much for food/shows/etc. It'll be Caity's 21st birthday, John and I's 1 year anniversary, and I'm pretty sure that something will be happening between Josh & Melissa.... (<3)

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