Wow

"And just for this moment/ As long as you're mine/ I've lost all resistance /And crossed some border line/ And if it turns out/ It's over too fast/ I'll make every last moment last/ As long as you're mine."

Aaah Wicked, you were so absolutely appropriate! The Glinda was gorgeous and amazing and wow the whole cast was fantastic! I cannot even believe the gorgeousness of the entire production, the plot and such. It was amazingly about love and friendship and life and such. Brittany's mom thought Portland was scary - but I soon showed her it wasn't. . . The nice parts around Keller at least.

How I describe the past couple days of my life? Chop chopping, cliff jumping, awkwardness with baa tommy, cheap wine, temptation to jump off a cliff myself.

Brittany tells me that I should jump - and fall or get caught or whatever will happen. Part of me wants to do so. The other part is terrified of this all, and doesn't want to be "tied down." I don't feel tied down with him - but who knows. I might feel guilty for having flirtatious eye sex with cute asians on the max if I was officially his 'girl.' Then again, maybe not.

Clint apparently called me last night at midnight. He said 'oh, hey, i am so sorry for not being in touch. please give me a call.' I don't care, is this odd? I just want to go - get my stuff, and move into Az's. Oh, Az by the way I am so doing that. Subletting. We'll figure it out with moving, I'm sure. I may not be able to give you more than half - but I'll do my best.

Brittany says it's only awkward if you make it awkward. I am following her advice for my own convenience. Chue just needs to get the gonads, etc. Anyway Brit's gonna dye my hair because Brittany, Sam, and I are all dying our hair the same color. teehee.

I think I love you too, but I won't say it until I know for certain.

Even though I should be sleeping

I know, I know, I should be sleeping. I shouldn't have gone out with my Asians. I should have done my homework, I should have found a way to stay awake. Well - yes all these things are true. However, I decided to play the selfish card and go get books and pizza.

I find it strange how he can make me forget. Forget that I have a five page paper due tomorrow night and a Biology test on Monday. Forget that she's waiting at home with a broken heart. Forget that my heart had ever been shattered. Forget that I'm self conscious, that I'm broken, that my baggage weighs a million pounds. Some of the forgetting I like, lost in conversation or the accidental touch of his hand. Some of the forgetting I forget that I need to remember. Delicate-ness. I can't believe I am 'that girl' or as I so eloquently stated when I was in her place; 'that fucking whore.'

I try to trick myself into thinking that somehow, because it's me - and I don't mean any harm - that it's different. Yeah, no. Just because there hasn't been a breech of physicality necessarily doesn't mean that emotional transgressions (usually worse) haven't taken place. It doesn't make it any better that if I could, I'd sacrifice whatever there might be brewing to make her not have to feel like I know she does.

I do understand a lot better the actions that transpired during my own epic and awful breakup. I hate him slightly less, perhaps. To be honest, I haven't really thought of him lately. I mean in a - that reminds me of that time when I, kind of way - yes, but not like...before. I know now that maybe he did really care and sat there confused and perplexed and saddened not knowing the right things to say to let me know that he still loved me but we were done. I don't know... it makes me feel marginally better to think that.

I love being a treasure troll. The fact that this came out of the duct work. I believe the expression is, is strange, but cool. Like Az being one of my bestest friends - who woulda thunk it? Not us, that's for sure -  but it works, I think. Perhaps this will work to, perhaps not. I might just crumple under the drama and second guessing myself and feeling like a whorish home wrecker. At the moment, I am having fun. I am going to ride with the current of life and let things slide into whatever place they see fit.

66% Treasure Troll, 100% fun

Where should I start. Generally one starts at the beginning and when they get to the end, they stop. However, I'm not sure when the beginning started, and don't know when it will end. I will then document the day b/c a lot of funness happened I believe...

Let's take it straight to the end of the day of work. That seems a good place to start. Tyler totally made a blog! He's as emo as the rest of us, yay! Well, not emo necessarily, I've been using that word as all encompassing lately. It doesn't matter because it totally made me happy.

Chue decided to come with John and I on our adventure. John was being kind of emo, so I didn't think that much would happen - boy was I wrong... So we drove out to the old apartment complex. The pool area was locked every which way, so John hopped the fence to see if the water was clean enough for said swimming activities, it was. Crap, I totally wasn't wanting to do this really... Oh well, I said I would and it makes a great story!

John broke the gate open and we --or rather I as John's trunks are mia -- changed into more suitable swimming clothes. I dipped a toe in the water and looked at the sky of stars above. The air that made my breath cloud the picturesque heavens was warmer than the water caressing my toe. Fuck! I look at John who is determined. Chue's like. "Do it?" and counts down....

3...2...1...

Kill me now! I begin to swim and start to feel heavy. Lead heavy. My internal organs start to contract with painful intensity as my skin all rushes inwards towards my chest. "Out now!" screams my heart with it's feeble beat. I get out and feel like I've been stuck with a million ... thumbtacks (it's the most recent feeling I've been stuck with...) The towel Chue hands me feels like razors across the skin. I slip my shoes on my feet and feel them cry for mercy. Hobble, hobble. 

Warmth, burning my flesh. I'm hyperventilating somewhat by this point. Oh, yes, there's a sauna. Turn it on and step inside. Eventually feeling returned to extremities. It's a test. A test? For serious? You're crazier than I thought, and manipulative? 

Lay it on the table using metaphors, what ifs, hyperboles, and the like. Forwardness not needed in these intellectual circles. Until it is. Wow, that should have been way more awkward, all things considering...and the fact Chue joined in. Oh well. 

I don't date, play games with, or touch the penises of boys that have girlfriends. It's not my style. I still don't think basketball is a very good idea either. His jealousness and flattery really made me happy though.

Drying off and dressing, walking to the apartment. My kitties need a bath, they're looking a little greasy. Oh, look Clint's actually home. Hm. Grab some things and leave, totally done. I expected to feel...something other than nothing for him. I mean, I'm upset about the situation still moderately, but I think I'm realizing he wasn't who I thought he was. Or he's changed so much it's just...gone. He doesn't deserve me, even less now that I'm getting a picture of who "me" really is. I think...dare I say?... I like this picture that is appearing before mine eyes.

Back to car, drive drive. Got some AppleBees. Made  a new word "Motorboatable." Our server liked it so much he gave us drinks for free. The first time my random word making has actually paid off. Swell! 

Drive drive (insert blank spot for the event that totally didn't happen (me treating a red light like a stop sign)). John checks MAX schedule. Trimet Fail. Drivin to Gresham. Lalala. Listening to the radio, then Tool, then the radio. Canhazpeenow!!! Enter John's apt. "Er, hi Emily?" God, fail. Not as in God fails because he doesn't. Manner of expression, or something.

Getting watched as I pull away (paranoid/protective/something much?) I'd be driving still if John hadn't been like 'Here take my phone. No I will not just look up directions you are getting them live." The GPS hates under/over passes, it gets confused. I thought it was funny.

Home and I'm like wtf mate?! I jumped into freezing cold water, openly admitted my feelings for someone with honesty and without awkwardness or regret, bonded more with the Chuester, drove to Gresham, and ended up home alive.

My body is in absolute pain right now. The water thing may not have been the smartest thing in the world, but I'll tell you something... it was liberating. The jump played in slow motion as I loosened all ties to the 'old self' and plunged into the freezing waters of uncertainty. It was like a baptism, and very symbolic of everything. My shirt made me laugh then, a frozen (literally!) heart. 

I'm not sure if anything will come out of this. All I know is that I am okay with how I am doing, feeling, and existing. I need to be mildly less degenerate...but overall, I am happy. I don't care who sees my insides, or reads me like a book. I think...for once... I am content to simply exist, as myself.

After all, I am 2/3 a Treasure Troll.

How I love you all my darlings

The past two days have been... so much fun! Kung-fu movie night was an epic success. Thank you dear Chue for that loverly idea. I honestly feel blessed to have people in my life that I can spend so many hours straight with and have a blast the entire time. 33 hours I spent straight with Az, Nate, and John. Well...not entirely straight, but damn near. The party was so much fun and drunk and groping it was fantastic. I thought, since I'm in a I love everyone mood I'd tell you all how I feel, or something, in brief -- or long if I feel like it. I really realized how lucky I am during the festivities, so I'll keep it contained to the people therein for simplification purposes. Yes, I can roll like that, it's my blog a'ight?

Az: Darling Azurell! You are such an amazing person. Quirky and fun and spunky. And you totally make me feel better with all the drama. I honestly never really thought that we would be as close as I consider us, but I so amazingly lucky to have you in my life. I feel like I can tell you absolutely anything about myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my everything. It just seems like you get it, or at the very least, you're not going to judge me for it. You are so amazingly talented I feel wittle next to you sometimes. You can draw, knit, sew, and write and everything - I wish you had more confidence in yourself so you could fully bring that talent to the world, we'd all be better for it. If you do end up moving, I will miss you so very much! You're rockstar #1

Tyler: Holy crap, love! You so aren't going to read this more than likely, but that's okay we'll convert you to twitter or something soon enough. Your passion that was ignited by punch n pi totally awestruck me. It really does amaze me the talent that can be found in our team. You're like killer funny, and like crazy smart. Maybe it was lack of Stream walls or presence of alcohol but you were like way super chill and amazing. Must join in more festivities!

Chue: Teehee Chue! You were so kung-fu fighting ... nothing, in the yard. Push ups or something. Hard fucking core. You were totally the inspiration for the funness and the love that went down. You're always so quiet and reserved, we totally need to thief you into more fun times as well b/c you totally rock my socks meng.

Scoot (opotumus) -- (Can't spell) Scoot, you're like for realzies cool. You totally can bring me out of my deepest emo pit, and somehow know just when I'm in a shallow pool or crazy deep well of emotion. With the hardcore drum rocking and the uber geekness, you're like wildly crazy. Scoot hugs are some of the best hugs and you always smell like fruit! Oh.. I mean... I totally hate you.. and your face - teehee. 

John - Dude, John I totally can tell you anything and feel like I can trust you like ... with my life or something, which is kind of weird. There's some sort of like...commonality or something that I totally get with the most random people it seems. Kindred spirit, but not at all. Az is totally one of those people too. Your randomness and openness, yet hesitation to really reveal anything is crazy intriguing and slightly aggravating. I totally want to open up your brain and throw it on a film reel. You totally live way out in the g to the etto but that's okay b/c I'll get you west side soon enough, somehow! 

N8 - You're totally off the wall my dear. Sometimes you're all shy little geek and other times you're like I'm going to grab your butt because I can. Although... how many times were you, and how many times were Az I'm not quite sure... You've introduced me to so many odd, fun, weird, and exciting things it's pretty epic. *cough* I'm wearing a shirt off woot.com atm. *cough* I would have not a clue as to twitter, woot, rick rolling, like anything without you. You give the best hugs and have just the right touch of emo in ya. Unless you get overly emo, but that's okay b/c then you're like me! Your flowchart made my day

Ike - You kind of hid away, but you totally deserve a block of text to you as well. I was totally expecting something different you being N8's twin and all, but you're totally your own unique awesomeness. Your film and such skills and knowledge are rad, and you're just so damn chill and relaxed it's totally no stress around you. Look forward to getting to know you more.

Mouse - Bow to the geekness that is mouse. Yay for the power of reformatting and crazy cool computer cases. You welcomed me to level three geekdom and opened my eyes to what I already knew but didn't know that I knew about all things geeky. And you took care of me when I vomited, and what's more friendship than that?

Colby - Wow, so as being the first time we hung out on an extend basis, love! You cock blocked the appropriate cocks and cuddled and totally made me feel awesome sauce. I totally see why everyone is in love with you up in these neck of the woods! You're silly and adorable and all sorts of fun. Too bad we won't really get to be like awesome sauce because you live in North Hollywood and all, but whenever you're here I hope we get to chill b/c it was awesomeness.

I love you all! And if there are grammatical errors, like me starting this sentence with and, I'm working with under an hour of sleep so you can suck it.

Hugs and kisses,

Smile and sunshine,

Stephie