Let's take it straight to the end of the day of work. That seems a good place to start. Tyler totally made a blog! He's as emo as the rest of us, yay! Well, not emo necessarily, I've been using that word as all encompassing lately. It doesn't matter because it totally made me happy.
Chue decided to come with John and I on our adventure. John was being kind of emo, so I didn't think that much would happen - boy was I wrong... So we drove out to the old apartment complex. The pool area was locked every which way, so John hopped the fence to see if the water was clean enough for said swimming activities, it was. Crap, I totally wasn't wanting to do this really... Oh well, I said I would and it makes a great story!
John broke the gate open and we --or rather I as John's trunks are mia -- changed into more suitable swimming clothes. I dipped a toe in the water and looked at the sky of stars above. The air that made my breath cloud the picturesque heavens was warmer than the water caressing my toe. Fuck! I look at John who is determined. Chue's like. "Do it?" and counts down....
Kill me now! I begin to swim and start to feel heavy. Lead heavy. My internal organs start to contract with painful intensity as my skin all rushes inwards towards my chest. "Out now!" screams my heart with it's feeble beat. I get out and feel like I've been stuck with a million ... thumbtacks (it's the most recent feeling I've been stuck with...) The towel Chue hands me feels like razors across the skin. I slip my shoes on my feet and feel them cry for mercy. Hobble, hobble.
Warmth, burning my flesh. I'm hyperventilating somewhat by this point. Oh, yes, there's a sauna. Turn it on and step inside. Eventually feeling returned to extremities. It's a test. A test? For serious? You're crazier than I thought, and manipulative?
Lay it on the table using metaphors, what ifs, hyperboles, and the like. Forwardness not needed in these intellectual circles. Until it is. Wow, that should have been way more awkward, all things considering...and the fact Chue joined in. Oh well.
I don't date, play games with, or touch the penises of boys that have girlfriends. It's not my style. I still don't think basketball is a very good idea either. His jealousness and flattery really made me happy though.
Drying off and dressing, walking to the apartment. My kitties need a bath, they're looking a little greasy. Oh, look Clint's actually home. Hm. Grab some things and leave, totally done. I expected to feel...something other than nothing for him. I mean, I'm upset about the situation still moderately, but I think I'm realizing he wasn't who I thought he was. Or he's changed so much it's just...gone. He doesn't deserve me, even less now that I'm getting a picture of who "me" really is. I think...dare I say?... I like this picture that is appearing before mine eyes.
Back to car, drive drive. Got some AppleBees. Made a new word "Motorboatable." Our server liked it so much he gave us drinks for free. The first time my random word making has actually paid off. Swell!
Drive drive (insert blank spot for the event that totally didn't happen (me treating a red light like a stop sign)). John checks MAX schedule. Trimet Fail. Drivin to Gresham. Lalala. Listening to the radio, then Tool, then the radio. Canhazpeenow!!! Enter John's apt. "Er, hi Emily?" God, fail. Not as in God fails because he doesn't. Manner of expression, or something.
Getting watched as I pull away (paranoid/protective/something much?) I'd be driving still if John hadn't been like 'Here take my phone. No I will not just look up directions you are getting them live." The GPS hates under/over passes, it gets confused. I thought it was funny.
Home and I'm like wtf mate?! I jumped into freezing cold water, openly admitted my feelings for someone with honesty and without awkwardness or regret, bonded more with the Chuester, drove to Gresham, and ended up home alive.
My body is in absolute pain right now. The water thing may not have been the smartest thing in the world, but I'll tell you something... it was liberating. The jump played in slow motion as I loosened all ties to the 'old self' and plunged into the freezing waters of uncertainty. It was like a baptism, and very symbolic of everything. My shirt made me laugh then, a frozen (literally!) heart.
I'm not sure if anything will come out of this. All I know is that I am okay with how I am doing, feeling, and existing. I need to be mildly less degenerate...but overall, I am happy. I don't care who sees my insides, or reads me like a book. I think...for once... I am content to simply exist, as myself.
After all, I am 2/3 a Treasure Troll.