Here is my attempt at a short blog - Just for Nate.
Happiness. Staying up until the sun was nipping at the horizon has never been sweeter. Take me. Cover me in your world I cannot comprehend. Fill me with your notions. I am saddened two of my friendulars have lost their girls. I see great futures for both of them. I am freezing cold, and could use some warm arms holding me. I am confused, perplexed, scared of my current situation regarding school/money/work. Someone should pay me to stay home - to go to school, cuddle, and write poetry. I would be okay with that. I am adored. You all are amazing. My friends! I don't know if I would be here if you didn't exist. It is Good Friday - commemorating Jesus's crucifixion. I haven't given much thought to the pain he suffered in a very long time - I feel the need to do something, but organized religion is teh sux for the most part. I need to do my homework - stay on the ball. I probably should do that rather than blog at work. My boss compared our contract to the Titanic. Sadness. Plan W is so the win. I just lost the game.
The end.
Showing posts with label Plan W. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Plan W. Show all posts
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Ramblings
He walks in front of me, this boy I do not know. His cigarette smoke fills my lungs with a sickly sweet feeling. I cross the pavement into the lot of metal beasts that kill the Earth one revolution at a time. I cross the threshold of the building I've been entering every day for nearly a year and a half. It is empty here.
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"I know it's often difficult for me to be able to discern the sensation of the love that I feel for you as a friend and that as a lover. I think I may have finally managed to coordinate some control over that recently and though I'm sometimes left wondering..." I'm not sure how I could interpret that any way other than how I did. If you can't discern the difference... if you still are left wondering... Le sigh.
Despite my better notions, I believe it when you tell me sweet words I long to hear. Despite my bitter heart, I have some hope. Despite my broken faith I am jumping off these cliffs. You said something last night, trying to analyze my feelings - notice how I did not disagree, but I did not admit it either. Give me time to know, give me time to figure out if I can let my heart jump off the same cliffs my behaviors have. Give my behaviors time to match the longing that I feel. Time. Patience is something which you pretend to have, but secretly lack I think. I'm not sure, you have been more patient than I expected someone of your gender disposition to be. This leaves me puzzled and confused. You are patient, but you seem to get massive enjoyment from pushing the boundaries I have set for myself. Not that I have too many objections.
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I am living in your space, I am breathing in this, your city daily. I man with a giant pink flower in his hand comments on the loveliness of the city. Yes, I agree, this is a fine city indeed. I wish you were here to enjoy it with me. To taste the night, to walk the street, to speak with strangers who carry flowers in upturned palms. I hope that in your new space you are happy, content for the moment. I navigate the city by the lighted dome of your building. Each turn, each exhale reminds me that you will not be just an elevator ride away.
-------------------------------------------------------------
School is somehow confusing me more than I ever thought possible. I read these online pages and have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I will reread them later to try and pass so I can move on in this jungle of chaos in a relatively organized fashion. I do my best to stay on track, but faltering is so very easy to do. I know that I would have no qualms if the world stopped its madness and paused. I like this moment of life I am in - I don't want it to change. I love my job, my friends, the apartment, my plan "W," and yes, you as well.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I've been thinking a lot lately about the consequence of everyone's actions upon the world, along the notions of the butterfly effect. Did me taking the third MAX somehow alter the course of everyone's lives? Did the man with the flower find the person it was intended for, or was it merely for his own personal satisfaction? Did the boy in front of me, smoking his cigarette and trying to exude a devil may care attitude, change the fate of the world? How many lives have you touched? Continue to touch every day? Will touch in the future? Countless. I like to think that some impact is made between every single interaction you've ever had with anyone in your life. That you impact everyone you meet, see, touch, talk with, pass by. If you kiss someone, if you lock eyes with a stranger and smile, if you amuse a passerby, if you hold the elevator door, if you share a bit of wisdom with someone eavesdropping on your conversation - is their life changed? Will they become different, better, altered, due to their mere seconds in your presence? Will you?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, this blog is long. No, it may not make sense. I've taken to plan W and I suppose that comes with lack of proper organizational tools. It comes with smoking, drinking, and breathing Nitrous Oxide all night as well. In addition, it is the moments on the futon watching silly cartoons and eating food off of an ironing board. It comes with feeling your heart beat next to mine, tasting your skin, and moments of pure exhilaration. It comes with cart food, and walking in the rain. Jumping into pools of freezing water, and feeling the salt of the ocean in San Diego. It comes with delicious breakfasts at Portland locales, and getting lost in the city. There's also an awesome little apartment in a great spot in town, and aluminum foil squirrels. There's driving for more hours than I'd like to recall, and getting amazing pizza at a local joint while watching you play DDR. Losing track of days, moments, reality, and time. There's so much from living I never thought would happen, I'd never thought I'd be where I am, with who I'm with. You say you need a plan, order, sequential sequences labeled and defined - look what we've done without them.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"I know it's often difficult for me to be able to discern the sensation of the love that I feel for you as a friend and that as a lover. I think I may have finally managed to coordinate some control over that recently and though I'm sometimes left wondering..." I'm not sure how I could interpret that any way other than how I did. If you can't discern the difference... if you still are left wondering... Le sigh.
Despite my better notions, I believe it when you tell me sweet words I long to hear. Despite my bitter heart, I have some hope. Despite my broken faith I am jumping off these cliffs. You said something last night, trying to analyze my feelings - notice how I did not disagree, but I did not admit it either. Give me time to know, give me time to figure out if I can let my heart jump off the same cliffs my behaviors have. Give my behaviors time to match the longing that I feel. Time. Patience is something which you pretend to have, but secretly lack I think. I'm not sure, you have been more patient than I expected someone of your gender disposition to be. This leaves me puzzled and confused. You are patient, but you seem to get massive enjoyment from pushing the boundaries I have set for myself. Not that I have too many objections.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I am living in your space, I am breathing in this, your city daily. I man with a giant pink flower in his hand comments on the loveliness of the city. Yes, I agree, this is a fine city indeed. I wish you were here to enjoy it with me. To taste the night, to walk the street, to speak with strangers who carry flowers in upturned palms. I hope that in your new space you are happy, content for the moment. I navigate the city by the lighted dome of your building. Each turn, each exhale reminds me that you will not be just an elevator ride away.
-------------------------------------------------------------
School is somehow confusing me more than I ever thought possible. I read these online pages and have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I will reread them later to try and pass so I can move on in this jungle of chaos in a relatively organized fashion. I do my best to stay on track, but faltering is so very easy to do. I know that I would have no qualms if the world stopped its madness and paused. I like this moment of life I am in - I don't want it to change. I love my job, my friends, the apartment, my plan "W," and yes, you as well.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I've been thinking a lot lately about the consequence of everyone's actions upon the world, along the notions of the butterfly effect. Did me taking the third MAX somehow alter the course of everyone's lives? Did the man with the flower find the person it was intended for, or was it merely for his own personal satisfaction? Did the boy in front of me, smoking his cigarette and trying to exude a devil may care attitude, change the fate of the world? How many lives have you touched? Continue to touch every day? Will touch in the future? Countless. I like to think that some impact is made between every single interaction you've ever had with anyone in your life. That you impact everyone you meet, see, touch, talk with, pass by. If you kiss someone, if you lock eyes with a stranger and smile, if you amuse a passerby, if you hold the elevator door, if you share a bit of wisdom with someone eavesdropping on your conversation - is their life changed? Will they become different, better, altered, due to their mere seconds in your presence? Will you?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, this blog is long. No, it may not make sense. I've taken to plan W and I suppose that comes with lack of proper organizational tools. It comes with smoking, drinking, and breathing Nitrous Oxide all night as well. In addition, it is the moments on the futon watching silly cartoons and eating food off of an ironing board. It comes with feeling your heart beat next to mine, tasting your skin, and moments of pure exhilaration. It comes with cart food, and walking in the rain. Jumping into pools of freezing water, and feeling the salt of the ocean in San Diego. It comes with delicious breakfasts at Portland locales, and getting lost in the city. There's also an awesome little apartment in a great spot in town, and aluminum foil squirrels. There's driving for more hours than I'd like to recall, and getting amazing pizza at a local joint while watching you play DDR. Losing track of days, moments, reality, and time. There's so much from living I never thought would happen, I'd never thought I'd be where I am, with who I'm with. You say you need a plan, order, sequential sequences labeled and defined - look what we've done without them.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Erections and Vomiting
Aah California. My beauty, my sweet, my paradise I long to remain in. Gorgeous and warm and salty and the best Mexican food ever - outside of Mexico that is. Let's start at the beginning, and when I get to the end - I'll stop.
I woke from my nap still very much tired, but that didn't matter. I drove to Fred Meyer to get my ness, and then to a MAX stop to pick up John and Az and go to Mat's. After idly discussing plans for moving we began to take part in extracurricular activities whilst John handcontrollered DDR. John then drove us to meet up with Az's sister for some boxes.
Az's sister is... not very Az-like, but fun I think. She did have a couple drinks in her - but I liked her well enough.
Back to Az's apartment for some last minute packing, some peoples came over - or rather person, yeah.... that person. So Az disappeared for a while.
Next day we got the car loaded up with Morgan, Az, and a trunk full of things. Off we go to Stream for final checks and good-byes. On to Winco for provisions, and hit the 5.
A lot of miles (and an averted crisis of me sleeping at the wheel) later, and some sweet pictures from Az - we arrive in NoHo at Colby's kick butt apartment. We nap, those long ass drives are tiring... upon awaking, we headed to In N Out. Nom nom nom. It was so sunny and amazing and fantastic.
We had planned on going to San Diego to fall in love with it all over again, and kidnapped Colby and Az for the ride. We were going to Sunset Cliffs, but barely missed it. So we check into the hotel room - with bunk beds!
Some Red Lobster nom Coconut Shrimp Candy... okay, it's not really candy - but it might as well be. Then we head back and Colby and John go on a run to the liquor store / heart to heart / apparently there was some giggity in nom-orifices...
We drink.
We turn in.
We giggle.
We sleep.
John wakes up to Az sleeping on the floor... what? Oh, apparently there was vomit dripping down the wall. Nice, that's classy. Haha. So we all get ready and pack up and head out. We go to a mall and wander (I got amazing board shorts and pink high-heels!) and eat (Nom Lamb curry-ness). Then we head to the boardwalk for some beach fun. God I love Cali! The beach is gorgeous the water warm - and it's March! We spend some time wading and enjoying the sun and surf and cute boys... then we head to the cliffs.
Some minor climbing and picturing and oogling later - we need some nom. So, we go and get amazing Mexican food from a little - like, permanent cart thing. So good. Sunset is over, we head back to NoHo (detour for most amazing Fry's with aquariums and shit) and take a nap while our clothes are becoming clean. Then it's back on the road again after saying goodbye to one of the few people in this world I've felt ... linked to? Something like that. I love her so much!
John drives for all of it and we talk about... well, literally everything. It was... I don't know if good is the right word or not because there still are unanswered questions which I will never ask - maybe I'll figure things out, maybe not. It was good I think though, overall. At least gave him some more insight into my point of view, something. Marco's Pizza is freaking amazing!
Once homeward we stopped at my grandma's to get some things before heading to "my" apartment. It will always be Az's in my mind.
This past week has taught me a lot. About plan "W." About living life as you want to, and not as society tells you to. Being able to leave on a whim, and feel deeply, and speak frankly (or as frankly as I can.) That just because society says something shouldn't happen, doesn't mean it won't. Just because I'm terrified doesn't mean that life will pause for me. Just because I'm shy, doesn't mean I'm not a puma.
I have values, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors - all of which often contradict each other. I love the sun, the sand, the stars. I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile. I love your artisticness and miss your soul being in the same state as mine. With the two of you I somehow feel completely complete, invincible, and totally okay with myself. I am strange, I am irrational. I don't make sense, and most of the time I don't care. I am afraid of everything - and I mean that. I need to be in control, yet I love spinning out of it. I need to plan, yet have been plan W'ing it for a while now.
I do not want to go back to reality. This work thing right now feels like I am acting. I wish that everything monotonous could be done with (like school - blarg!) and I could get on living as I wish. I am happy teachers get spring/summer/winter breaks. I want to travel the world. I want to float in the clouds. I want to fly. I want to read your mind.
I'll leave you saying that I am content with my life, as much as I am amazed, dazed, confused, and bemused with it. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone tonight. I don't know where I'll be in two weeks - or in 10, or in 52. All I know is that I wish I could have paused the time continuum - for just... one moment.
I woke from my nap still very much tired, but that didn't matter. I drove to Fred Meyer to get my ness, and then to a MAX stop to pick up John and Az and go to Mat's. After idly discussing plans for moving we began to take part in extracurricular activities whilst John handcontrollered DDR. John then drove us to meet up with Az's sister for some boxes.
Az's sister is... not very Az-like, but fun I think. She did have a couple drinks in her - but I liked her well enough.
Back to Az's apartment for some last minute packing, some peoples came over - or rather person, yeah.... that person. So Az disappeared for a while.
Next day we got the car loaded up with Morgan, Az, and a trunk full of things. Off we go to Stream for final checks and good-byes. On to Winco for provisions, and hit the 5.
A lot of miles (and an averted crisis of me sleeping at the wheel) later, and some sweet pictures from Az - we arrive in NoHo at Colby's kick butt apartment. We nap, those long ass drives are tiring... upon awaking, we headed to In N Out. Nom nom nom. It was so sunny and amazing and fantastic.
We had planned on going to San Diego to fall in love with it all over again, and kidnapped Colby and Az for the ride. We were going to Sunset Cliffs, but barely missed it. So we check into the hotel room - with bunk beds!
Some Red Lobster nom Coconut Shrimp Candy... okay, it's not really candy - but it might as well be. Then we head back and Colby and John go on a run to the liquor store / heart to heart / apparently there was some giggity in nom-orifices...
We drink.
We turn in.
We giggle.
We sleep.
John wakes up to Az sleeping on the floor... what? Oh, apparently there was vomit dripping down the wall. Nice, that's classy. Haha. So we all get ready and pack up and head out. We go to a mall and wander (I got amazing board shorts and pink high-heels!) and eat (Nom Lamb curry-ness). Then we head to the boardwalk for some beach fun. God I love Cali! The beach is gorgeous the water warm - and it's March! We spend some time wading and enjoying the sun and surf and cute boys... then we head to the cliffs.
Some minor climbing and picturing and oogling later - we need some nom. So, we go and get amazing Mexican food from a little - like, permanent cart thing. So good. Sunset is over, we head back to NoHo (detour for most amazing Fry's with aquariums and shit) and take a nap while our clothes are becoming clean. Then it's back on the road again after saying goodbye to one of the few people in this world I've felt ... linked to? Something like that. I love her so much!
John drives for all of it and we talk about... well, literally everything. It was... I don't know if good is the right word or not because there still are unanswered questions which I will never ask - maybe I'll figure things out, maybe not. It was good I think though, overall. At least gave him some more insight into my point of view, something. Marco's Pizza is freaking amazing!
Once homeward we stopped at my grandma's to get some things before heading to "my" apartment. It will always be Az's in my mind.
This past week has taught me a lot. About plan "W." About living life as you want to, and not as society tells you to. Being able to leave on a whim, and feel deeply, and speak frankly (or as frankly as I can.) That just because society says something shouldn't happen, doesn't mean it won't. Just because I'm terrified doesn't mean that life will pause for me. Just because I'm shy, doesn't mean I'm not a puma.
I have values, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors - all of which often contradict each other. I love the sun, the sand, the stars. I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile. I love your artisticness and miss your soul being in the same state as mine. With the two of you I somehow feel completely complete, invincible, and totally okay with myself. I am strange, I am irrational. I don't make sense, and most of the time I don't care. I am afraid of everything - and I mean that. I need to be in control, yet I love spinning out of it. I need to plan, yet have been plan W'ing it for a while now.
I do not want to go back to reality. This work thing right now feels like I am acting. I wish that everything monotonous could be done with (like school - blarg!) and I could get on living as I wish. I am happy teachers get spring/summer/winter breaks. I want to travel the world. I want to float in the clouds. I want to fly. I want to read your mind.
I'll leave you saying that I am content with my life, as much as I am amazed, dazed, confused, and bemused with it. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone tonight. I don't know where I'll be in two weeks - or in 10, or in 52. All I know is that I wish I could have paused the time continuum - for just... one moment.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Taking a small break
"We watch the season / Pull up its own stakes / And catch the last weekend / Of the last week / Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced / Another sun soaked season fades away / You have stolen my heart"
I love that song. It's so beautiful and sweet to my ears, it reminds me of where I am at and where I have been. Where am I? For the first time in nearly a week I am in my own bed. This bed is so amazing, I can't wait until it is in another location more suitable for me to be in.
I have no idea when I will have the time to move into Az's apartment. Time is fleeting from my Spring Break heart. I have been moving non-stop since Thursday and Chop-chop. Brittany came, and "boy", and Wicked and tattoos and piercings, and parks, and loss of employment....
Not even in that order, and not all for me. It doesn't matter anyway, because it'd just be a ramble - well, more of a ramble if I tried to explain it all.
I will be on my way to North Hollywood in 24hrs. Azurell, my love, has been affected by another's, I don't even know - cuntness? With depleting time and monies, we will take her to the sunny land where she can be taken care of and get her feet in the corporation's giant cosmos. I can only hope it will be fun, and sweet, and amazing.
I am spiraling, but I don't know yet if it's out of control. I'm sure that I will find out eventually. I am concerned that I have class in less than a week again, and have yet to get text books or parking permits and the like. I think that it will all be okay. Due to the numerous decisions I have been faced with - I have fully embraced plan "W."
With the powers of God, an adorable octopus, an amazing radioactive panda bear, and me - of course (Your friendly neighborhood --- I've been a jelly-fish and a llama so, I don't know) - we should be okay.
I so need a small nap I think, to keep my sanity. I will take a nap, then finish laundry and such. I already have one batch done and the inside of my car clean. W00t!
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