I can't believe it's this time again. My monthly time to sit back, reflect, breathe. To erase the stress and ignore the flaws. To try and find the chewy warm center of my heart that still beats pure and simply happiness. It's been so constricted by anxiety, so hardened by broken promises and lazy ambitions, it's hard to find it sometimes. Wondering how to stretch the money, how to balance everything we have in our lives with how much income we have. Balance practical unemployment with rent, bills, weddings to attend. Not sure how to get tux, let alone gifts, let alone gas to get there in the first place. Feeling like we're broken... swimming in a sea of stinging eels and shadows covering any glimpse of light.
I try, to cling to you. The memories, the way I used to feel. The heart that used to beat in time with mine. The man I thought you would become. It's true, you haven't met my expectations. Yet, I haven't met mine either. We live in chaos constantly and neither one of us lifts a finger to change the situation. So, perhaps we're both to blame for the dead-end we've reached in our life. Maybe a move will change things up. Fresh start. Again.
I can't believe it's been a month since our anniversary trip. And I, longing to return to live on the coast every day. Trying to find ways to make it happen. Trying to show you that it could all be okay. Everything. If only we had sand between our toes. If only we fell asleep, every night, to the sound of the waves. Maybe it's just me projecting problems to unforeseeable outcomes. Like in my prior post, where everything would be okay if I were just fitter and prettier.... maybe everything would be okay if we didn't live here anymore. If we didn't drive these same roads so well known that we could do it with our eyes closed. If we had a new place to live and breathe. Salt water in the air, in our hearts, in our taffy. If the weather were gentler and more even-tempered, maybe we would be too.
And maybe all it will take is for you to come face to face with yourself. Really analyze who you want to be, the kind of man you want your children to have as a father, the kind of spouse you'd like to be - and realize that it will take change, but it will be worth it. It will be hard, perhaps, to shake away the foolishness of youth and step forward in the shiny new skin of adulthood. But you'll be fresh, and you'll have room to grow. You'll no longer be trapped in your current plague of old, stale, decaying.
Perhaps I need to do the same. To realize where I am in life and where I want to be. To make the changes necessary to move forward and do them regardless of the consequences. Although, if I were to do this, I think I would lose you. I'm not prepared for that in the slightest. For I feel that my chances for happiness are far greater if our stale, dead skin is rubbing up against one another's than if I were to shed mine and advance beyond where you remain stuck. So I will wait until you are ready, as long as I am able. I will let my scales be heavy with their burden until you are ready to shed yours as well. Trying to keep the fabric of our existence woven tight no matter how difficult it is when you're running with scissors. Lying in wait, perhaps our useless particles with slough off each other's until we emerge healthy and renewed together, in sync. I'll do my best not to scratch in the meantime, though I'll prod you to.
I'll do my best not to curl up and cry with the pain of it all, this stagnant pool in which we live. I'll do my best to look to the skies and hope that maybe, maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe our longer than average gestation means we'll emerge able to learn at a rapid rate. Maybe though we're so extremely slow to develop, once we hit that point we'll sky rocket and catch up to all those who have slithered so far past us. Though riddled with doubt that this is the case, I try to cling to it. Try so hard to think of something which will ignite that spark and let us fly with the full breadth of our wing span.
This doesn't mean I do not love you. This doesn't mean that I do not still want forever. You are my primary focus, my main objective, my sole goal. I will try to mend our broken bones and bumps and bruises before I turn to the world. I will be here for you if ever you need assistance, mending, consoling, strength. I will be here when you learn, when you adapt, when you grow into an adult. I will be here every step of the way, helping, holding, loving and laughing. And yes, at times, nagging and pleading and begging you along. But, mostly loving. Mostly caring, and whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Dealing with the empty spaces, the scrapes and snags as best I know how. Every day I lose a little bit of myself to the worrisome ways of the world, every day my faith is waning. Perhaps it will be renewed, perhaps it will simply fade away until the realism outlook overtakes any trace of optimism I try to force-feed myself.
This post isn't nearly as happy as I set out to make it. Not nearly as full of my love for you as it should be. I guess that's just my state of mind of late. Preoccupied, distant, worrying and fretting and trying to make it work against the cold hard mathematics that it simply won't. I do love you endlessly. I am happy at moments, when you wrap your arms around me and shut out the world. When we lay tangled and focus only on each other, ignoring the constant responsibility nagging at our minds.
♥ 8 months ♥ 13 months ♥ 29 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥
We've a very, very tough road ahead of us. Our toughest yet, and it's only getting tougher. Hold my hand tight, and let's jump into this frozen pool and emerge ready to take on the world.