Tuesday, January 17, 2006

no matter what, I'm still a girl

I have a lot of thoughts and emotions and... yeah. Do I want to marry him though? Spend the rest of my life with him, never deeply loving any other? I love him... but, I've loved others, just not as deep. Maybe that's the point. I'm still tempted though, to truly discover. Then, talking to Tiffany, she told me that in setting myself free I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. Because I don't want to be free from Clint. I really don't at all. I just want some divine sign that tells me for sure. Some ringing flashing signal in the sky that tells me he's the one for me. But I don't think that sign will ever come. What if he's not right for me? He's so...*mind blanks* I'm an artist in my own fashion, my medium is words. Not so much in my journaling, but that's not the point. Due to that one artistic aspect, if you will, I consider myself an artist. I love every form of art ... music, theater, painting, dance, and writing of course. Be it novels, poems, short stories, lyrics, it doesn't matter. If a person can express themselves with words.... especially when no speaking takes place. When you write, an audience doesn't get to see your body language, your facial expressions. They can't hear the subtle intonation in your voice. Somehow, as a writer, all this must come through in other ways. Mainly through the connotation of your diction and the punctuation that is used. Anyway... Clint either doesn't care or doesn't appreciate or.. something. When I share of piece of writing he seems indifferent. I crave someone who would let whatever it was wash over them, and then could continue to have an intellectual conversation over the piece at hand. A simple, good or bad, I like it or I didn't... it kills me.

One of my dreams in life is to have the man that I love play on his guitar while singing to me. I guess I should say that it was a dream. I love Clint so much, but there's that something that's missing. That something is within him I think, and not our relationship. He's very... superficial is the only word that comes to mind, but it's not quite right. He can be deep... rarely, but it is possible. I don't know if I'll ever be able to find someone who can love me like he does. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to love anyone as much as I do Clint. Even with that I wonder. Still I question if we're meant for each other... forever. What I believe we need is a break. Some time apart. Set some boundaries as to what we do with other people and see what happens. Then when we both decide to get back together, we would. It would take me one day to decide everything I needed to decide. One Day . But, it would break Clint's heart if I mentioned it. And, even while I say I want a break, I know that in the end all I want is him. I say I'm not sure, because there could be someone out there.... or, rather, someone is making me wonder. Even though I want to be sure, even though I have an urge to solidify everything, I know - in my heart what the answer would be. I already know, still...

It's not that I'm bored of him. There's never a dull moment, I love being with him. More so, I feel too comfortable with him. Like we're settled down already. We see each other more than we don't and we can talk about anything. Showing him all of myself unhidden is nothing to me. I can be who I am. It's a wonderful, horrible thing. It means I don't have to worry if my hair or makeup are 'acceptable'. It means I don't have to worry if I'm not wearing flattering clothes. It also means that there's no newness, there are no butterflies in my stomach. I'm excited to see him, but it's different now. That sense of newness that is so wonderful, to never have that again? To never have another first kiss - never another song, first time...anything? To give that up already? I'm only seventeen. I was sixteen when we started dating, that seems to young to be done.

You could say that I'm lucky to have found 'the one' so early in my life. No club scene, no being lonely on a Friday night. I don't have to worry anymore. I'm so very conflicted! I still want to check out my other options... still want to test the waters. I don't understand myself! Obviously, if there's some doubt in my mind I shouldn't think of marrying him. Yes, each day I am so different - and each day the same. I wake up and Clint is the first thing I think of. How I want to hear his voice and I wish I could wake up beside him. Every time I see him I want to practically tackle him with hugs and kisses. I love every touch we share, every kiss, every tender moment. I couldn't imagine having that with anyone else. I could imagine a kiss with some one else...but not the more intimate things.

Maybe I could picture myself with someone else, but it wouldn't be right . Not like Clint is right for me. The more I work this through in my head, the more I think that Clint and I are meant for each other. Yet, somehow, the more I think that the more doubt enters. The vicious cycle. I could see being with someone else, but I could never marry some one else. That is the definite factor I suppose. It doesn't matter who else I dated, or loved, it would all -- everything, return to Clint. For in the end, I am him and he is me. We're opposites. Ying and Yang. I don't need some one like me... that's who I need as friends. Friends share the same ways you do. But the one you love, that's entirely different. The one you spend forever with can't be an addition of you, they must complete you. Clint completes me. Those who attract me to them, are more like me than they are not. Yet, that is not a strength in a relationship. There is strength in diversity. Strength in opposites. Through the laws of physics we find that opposites attract. North and south, positive and negative. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'll reiterate once more... in love, in my soul mate, in my husband I don't need an addition, I need a completion. I believe that Clint completes me.

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