It's come to my attention that apparently me being honest about life, and the situation I'm in has made people uncomfortable. I'm not sure why exactly, and don't really care. You see, life, it fucking sucks 90% of the time. I have husband who puts his own wants and desires above being financially responsible. Who doesn't understand that if you have $300 to spend on a phone, that means you have $300 to pay back debt, or to put into savings, to help cover rent, or food, or whatever other bill originated from your own wants and desires. I do. There isn't really any arguing with this. At all.
However, we are caught up on all our bills, minus Frontier which we can't pay because we have an open case with them. No, we're not caught up on personal debts, but if we promise you X by date Y, we'll make sure that you have it. Yes you do have to pay your fucking phone bill on time. Don't, and your phone will be suspended. Period. I don't care where you get the means to pay your part, and you don't worry about where I'll get the means to pay mine. My business, while sometimes written about, is still my business. You should not assume that bills aren't being paid, simply because I bitch about lack of hours and unemployment fucking up and someone having a completely fucked list of priorities. You want to help, smack John in the head anytime he mentions leaving work early, or buying something not necessary. Give him a pat on the back every time he mentions working extra hours, getting a new job, or getting paid for outside work. Maybe we can condition a more secure future.
Yes, at the moment, we're completely fucked. No, I have no idea how we will be able to pay our bills in the upcoming weeks ahead. This doesn't mean I won't find a way. This doesn't mean I won't sell everything I have....what's left anyway, to stay afloat. This simply means that I am worried, we're broke, and I'm considering visiting a food charity to get groceries. That's all. We're alive, we're not facing eviction, or past due bills, or utility shut offs. We've a roof, electricity, water. We've still got clothes on our backs and shoes without too many holes in the soles. Life might be fucking uncomfortable as fuck, but we're living it. We're not giving up and resigning to let it all slip away. For one thing, if we stopped paying our bills, I'm pretty sure our roommate would be pretty upset. And thank God for having a roommate to split the bills with, or perhaps we would be fucked more than we could deal with.
So, seriously. Calm. The fuck. Down. Live your life and stop worrying about us. If you have concerns about getting your money from us, know we'll work something out as soon as we're able. If we've had to postpone paying you back because of the lack of work situation, I am sorry. I am. I hate, (hate hate hate hate hate hate hate) owing people money. You will get yours, as soon as we can stand on solid ground. If you feel like you need interest added to the mix, we can deal with that. Yes, I know we might have to bow our heads and kiss your feet to keep our relationships okay. I hope that we have friends and family that are understanding and are secure in their lives to be okay without what we owe them for a while. Based on the fact that I haven't been served any papers or angry voice mails, and the trips, home improvements, and extravagances that those we owe to are taking part in - I think that this is the case. And boy, oh boy, am I grateful for this. I am happy that those we care about are doing well. I am happy for you in all your adventures and success. I am hopeful that we'll see ours soon. I am hopeful that we can add to yours with delayed funds soon.
The 24th of October. This is the date that I am setting for when things will be okay. When life will be more or less normal. When I can crank up the income on my Mint.com budget and see my left-over funds go from negative 8 to a positive... something. So, here's to October 24th!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
I just need tomorrow
Why
Can't you see
That it's more
than just sentiment to me
That it's more than
Wax on paper
More than
Something so simple
I can't comprehend
The need to feel attached
To something in the past
You can have my past
I don't need it anymore
All I need are things we've made
What the future has in store
If I forget
What last year held
I would only know
That it doesn't matter
And if I forgot
Yesterday
All I need to know
is tomorrow
with you
Can't you see
That it's more
than just sentiment to me
That it's more than
Wax on paper
More than
Something so simple
I can't comprehend
The need to feel attached
To something in the past
You can have my past
I don't need it anymore
All I need are things we've made
What the future has in store
If I forget
What last year held
I would only know
That it doesn't matter
And if I forgot
Yesterday
All I need to know
is tomorrow
with you
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Back to Reality
Well, that calm before the storm didn't last very long. The long, carefree weekend has quickly been replaced by "Your claim for the week ending September 03, 2011 has been received but not paid because of a problem."
That extra $100-$130 that was needed to cover gasoline and tux rental? Yeah... about that. Not sure how that's going to happen. Johnathan posted some stuff up for sale, but it's stuff we really, really don't want to sell. Stuff we use every day and that makes life more enjoyable. Stuff that if we do sell, we'll want to buy again at a later time, and it'll cost more to buy again than we'll hope to make from it. But he did it proactively, we just can't take any chances. There's no reason for his claim to be denied... or any issues I can think of. The only possible thing is that he maybe answered one of their questions wrong, or the day we were in Yachats caught up to him... or maybe he did his math wrong, or left off a zero or something. Either way, fucked.
Especially since we have a pending check for $700 which will be coming out on the 12th. We have to have that unemployment money coming in to be able to eat. So... this is going to be a fun little next couple of weeks.
Weird family tension I can only assume has to do with the $9,900 we owe my grandparents and the $400 we owe Steve...and we're working on being able to pay that back... but not soon enough. For them, and for us too. This is in addition to the $16,500 in other debts, credit cards, medical bills and personal loans. Somehow we've gotten ourselves in a position where we owe just about everyone we know money, and barely able to take care of ourselves. We've got to pay the "real" debt first, and friends/family last, no matter how much we'd like to do it the other way around. Friends and family can be pissed, can cut us out of their lives, and I guess can take us to court. At least they don't report to credit agencies, sell their debt to collection agencies.
Oh summer, I remember when you used to be so lovely, so free, so welcoming. Where nothing could hurt me as long as I had the sun on my back. Now I just get a few days, an extended weekend, and it's back to reality. No chance of moving when our lease is up in October, no chance of ever buying a house, no way we could afford a child. With the trust fund only a myth yet to be realized, and if it is real, still three and half years away... we have no life line, no way out.
Just applying to every company we can think of, crossing our fingers, and praying for a break... and wishing to pass time as painlessly as possible until 4-8-15 or the end of the world rolls around.
That extra $100-$130 that was needed to cover gasoline and tux rental? Yeah... about that. Not sure how that's going to happen. Johnathan posted some stuff up for sale, but it's stuff we really, really don't want to sell. Stuff we use every day and that makes life more enjoyable. Stuff that if we do sell, we'll want to buy again at a later time, and it'll cost more to buy again than we'll hope to make from it. But he did it proactively, we just can't take any chances. There's no reason for his claim to be denied... or any issues I can think of. The only possible thing is that he maybe answered one of their questions wrong, or the day we were in Yachats caught up to him... or maybe he did his math wrong, or left off a zero or something. Either way, fucked.
Especially since we have a pending check for $700 which will be coming out on the 12th. We have to have that unemployment money coming in to be able to eat. So... this is going to be a fun little next couple of weeks.
Weird family tension I can only assume has to do with the $9,900 we owe my grandparents and the $400 we owe Steve...and we're working on being able to pay that back... but not soon enough. For them, and for us too. This is in addition to the $16,500 in other debts, credit cards, medical bills and personal loans. Somehow we've gotten ourselves in a position where we owe just about everyone we know money, and barely able to take care of ourselves. We've got to pay the "real" debt first, and friends/family last, no matter how much we'd like to do it the other way around. Friends and family can be pissed, can cut us out of their lives, and I guess can take us to court. At least they don't report to credit agencies, sell their debt to collection agencies.
Oh summer, I remember when you used to be so lovely, so free, so welcoming. Where nothing could hurt me as long as I had the sun on my back. Now I just get a few days, an extended weekend, and it's back to reality. No chance of moving when our lease is up in October, no chance of ever buying a house, no way we could afford a child. With the trust fund only a myth yet to be realized, and if it is real, still three and half years away... we have no life line, no way out.
Just applying to every company we can think of, crossing our fingers, and praying for a break... and wishing to pass time as painlessly as possible until 4-8-15 or the end of the world rolls around.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Labor Day Weekend
Labor Day, to celebrate those that work, essentially. More-so those that do physical/factory work. Fun fact: Oregon was the first state to recognize Labor Day as a holiday. Labor day is the end of summer, the beginning of the school year, that last chance for barbeques and family gatherings. The last weekday to spend in the sun with your lips berry stained.
Well, not exactly so if you're working and not in a K-12 school. But, it's the general principal feeling. Fall is coming, swimsuits and sandals are on the clearance racks and sweaters are creeping up the aisles. I start thinking about Halloween, my birthday, those piles of turkey and stuffing awaiting just right around the corner.
Friday was the end of my liquid only fast, and the start of 2 drinks a day. We ended it in style with chili dogs at our friend's house and Monopoly City. Kind of weird, hard to understand... but John didn't win despite his claims he hasn't lost in decades. So, there's that.
Saturday I left my alarms off and slept in nice and late. We woke up and headed over to my grandma's house. We visited, soaked in some sunshine, ate some left over tacos and hung about. My grandpa brought home a giant box of berries, heavy and crushing under their own weight. Grandma, my cousin/nephew Dakota, and I made four blackberry pies. Four! We got those baking under grandma's watchful eye and headed out doors to play kick the can. This was my first encounter with the game, and I think it was pretty fun. Stealthy creeping plus hide-and-seek, and kind of chase element in there as well. Johnathan took to the rooftop, and was very cautious about coming down to save us once the rest of us were captured. So, the game took forever. We went inside and watched Valentine's Day. Once it was over we went home and watched some True Blood before bed.
Sunday we met up with Scott and Megan for breakfast and Fred Meyer shopping before heading to the pool at Scott's house. Splashing and laying in the sun, with copious amounts of sunscreen, was nice. Once the sun started setting behind the apartment buildings we headed out - rode home on the motorcycle in our swimsuits - and began an awesome True Blood marathon. I can't believe the season finale is next week!
Monday (yay three day weekend!) we headed out to my grandma's for a little barbeque action. She was looking for something different, and Megan suggested kabobs. My grandma set up an awesome bar with chicken, beef, and shrimp offerings, along with onions, peppers, mushrooms, and all kinds of veggie goodness. There was sweet bread and slow barbequed pork with coleslaw, potato and pasta salads, all kinds of delicious noms. And, of course the pie that we had made Saturday night. We got to take half of a pie home to delight ourselves into the week.
I didn't exactly stick to the liquid diet so much.... but I'm making a start into the week. We bounced around a lot this weekend and had a lot of tasty options, so it was pretty much just a shake for breakfast (like the plan for week 2 and beyond). It was a lovely weekend and I appreciate all those that joined us in the festivities. It was just about perfect.
I hope that we're able to continue this happy-go-lucky vibe into our poorest days ahead. Rent, bills, no money coming in.... I try to put it to the back of my mind, but there are so many people depending on us to pay them back that it's getting a little ridiculous. Thank goodness John has finally realized Stream is a shitty place to work and has begun looking elsewhere. Hopefully we can get him a 'real' job and be on with our lives.
Well, not exactly so if you're working and not in a K-12 school. But, it's the general principal feeling. Fall is coming, swimsuits and sandals are on the clearance racks and sweaters are creeping up the aisles. I start thinking about Halloween, my birthday, those piles of turkey and stuffing awaiting just right around the corner.
Friday was the end of my liquid only fast, and the start of 2 drinks a day. We ended it in style with chili dogs at our friend's house and Monopoly City. Kind of weird, hard to understand... but John didn't win despite his claims he hasn't lost in decades. So, there's that.
Saturday I left my alarms off and slept in nice and late. We woke up and headed over to my grandma's house. We visited, soaked in some sunshine, ate some left over tacos and hung about. My grandpa brought home a giant box of berries, heavy and crushing under their own weight. Grandma, my cousin/nephew Dakota, and I made four blackberry pies. Four! We got those baking under grandma's watchful eye and headed out doors to play kick the can. This was my first encounter with the game, and I think it was pretty fun. Stealthy creeping plus hide-and-seek, and kind of chase element in there as well. Johnathan took to the rooftop, and was very cautious about coming down to save us once the rest of us were captured. So, the game took forever. We went inside and watched Valentine's Day. Once it was over we went home and watched some True Blood before bed.
Sunday we met up with Scott and Megan for breakfast and Fred Meyer shopping before heading to the pool at Scott's house. Splashing and laying in the sun, with copious amounts of sunscreen, was nice. Once the sun started setting behind the apartment buildings we headed out - rode home on the motorcycle in our swimsuits - and began an awesome True Blood marathon. I can't believe the season finale is next week!
Monday (yay three day weekend!) we headed out to my grandma's for a little barbeque action. She was looking for something different, and Megan suggested kabobs. My grandma set up an awesome bar with chicken, beef, and shrimp offerings, along with onions, peppers, mushrooms, and all kinds of veggie goodness. There was sweet bread and slow barbequed pork with coleslaw, potato and pasta salads, all kinds of delicious noms. And, of course the pie that we had made Saturday night. We got to take half of a pie home to delight ourselves into the week.
I didn't exactly stick to the liquid diet so much.... but I'm making a start into the week. We bounced around a lot this weekend and had a lot of tasty options, so it was pretty much just a shake for breakfast (like the plan for week 2 and beyond). It was a lovely weekend and I appreciate all those that joined us in the festivities. It was just about perfect.
I hope that we're able to continue this happy-go-lucky vibe into our poorest days ahead. Rent, bills, no money coming in.... I try to put it to the back of my mind, but there are so many people depending on us to pay them back that it's getting a little ridiculous. Thank goodness John has finally realized Stream is a shitty place to work and has begun looking elsewhere. Hopefully we can get him a 'real' job and be on with our lives.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Findings for the Day
I can totally see Johnathan dressing our kid like this... or himself, perhaps.
Pretty much the perfect outfit on lookbook.nu. I'm having a need for stripes, tights, and pretty skirts.
Awesome stair railing. Probably not good with little ones/pets, but brings a really cool look.
I've been bouncing around the internet a lot lately due to low work volume and the fact that the contract is ending very shortly. I'm actually not sure that my job still exists... but, have no fear! I'm transferring to Xbox on the 20th. Although... John only works like 6 hours a week so... it'll basically be unemployment. In that same vein, John only has 28 days for full time or promotion to happen before he goes and gets a really job!
Forbidden fruit
Forbidden fruit
you can't help but taste
Raw and carnal
unadultered by media
or social normalities
Feel soft lips,
butterflies covering
every inch of my
growing exposure of skin.
Hands graze
every spot
like they were meant
for me... even though
it could be anyone.
You tell me softly
that you can make up
for areas you lack;
scars that just won't fade
And you prove it
bending my will
to your very command
making me moan
with anticipation
I can't
won't
give in to primal demands.
Not yet.
Not now.
In time,
when your butterfly kisses
pierce my core -
when your mouth
on my veins breaks
all internal self consciousness
then
then I will become
yours
you can't help but taste
Raw and carnal
unadultered by media
or social normalities
Feel soft lips,
butterflies covering
every inch of my
growing exposure of skin.
Hands graze
every spot
like they were meant
for me... even though
it could be anyone.
You tell me softly
that you can make up
for areas you lack;
scars that just won't fade
And you prove it
bending my will
to your very command
making me moan
with anticipation
I can't
won't
give in to primal demands.
Not yet.
Not now.
In time,
when your butterfly kisses
pierce my core -
when your mouth
on my veins breaks
all internal self consciousness
then
then I will become
yours
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Day 2- Liquid Diet
Day one I definitely had some less than focused moments, although I did better without temptation from the husband... who, on day one of his liquid diet had yogurt, 4 slices of pizza, and a buffalo chicken thing from 7-11. Yeah... not exactly on board apparently. I still feel pretty good about the whole thing overall as it's a big transition. The bathroom and I have become BFFs...so... that's been... "fun".
Breakfast: Had a chocolate Slimfast. Less calories (180), way better taste than the Boost. Definitely felt the lower calories (half of what yesterday's breakfast was) as only a couple hours afterwards I was one hungry bear. Thinking this might be a better option if I'm feeling peckish in the later evening, or if I was going to be eating real food along with it (or double it up). Think I'll save the rest of that container for Friday and beyond when I can have real food. Made John drink his breakfast as he was planning on I guess just not eating as he was scared of the drink...but he finally gave in and said it was a similar experience to eating a chocolate PowerBar. He thinks that's a good option once we get done with this liquid phase, and they are often on sale for $1 each. As long as we're balanced, healthy, and around 1,000 calories, it's all good by me.
Lunch: Learned my lesson from yesterday, had a Strawberry Boost while watching an episode of Scrubs on Netflix in the car. Ah, the life. 240 calories.
Dinner: Chocolate Boost Plus. Didn't actually feel like I needed it, which was weird. Although John made it difficult because he kept raving about wanting steak, mushrooms, gyros, pizza, and... just about every other delicious sounding nom you could think of. 360 calories.
Non-liquid: 5 pieces of marionberry licorice. 1 rectangle of Symphony chocolate bar. ~200 calories.
Total Calories: ~980. Much better than yesterday, and officially 'low cal'. 2/3 of the way done with liquid only!
Breakfast: Had a chocolate Slimfast. Less calories (180), way better taste than the Boost. Definitely felt the lower calories (half of what yesterday's breakfast was) as only a couple hours afterwards I was one hungry bear. Thinking this might be a better option if I'm feeling peckish in the later evening, or if I was going to be eating real food along with it (or double it up). Think I'll save the rest of that container for Friday and beyond when I can have real food. Made John drink his breakfast as he was planning on I guess just not eating as he was scared of the drink...but he finally gave in and said it was a similar experience to eating a chocolate PowerBar. He thinks that's a good option once we get done with this liquid phase, and they are often on sale for $1 each. As long as we're balanced, healthy, and around 1,000 calories, it's all good by me.
Lunch: Learned my lesson from yesterday, had a Strawberry Boost while watching an episode of Scrubs on Netflix in the car. Ah, the life. 240 calories.
Dinner: Chocolate Boost Plus. Didn't actually feel like I needed it, which was weird. Although John made it difficult because he kept raving about wanting steak, mushrooms, gyros, pizza, and... just about every other delicious sounding nom you could think of. 360 calories.
Non-liquid: 5 pieces of marionberry licorice. 1 rectangle of Symphony chocolate bar. ~200 calories.
Total Calories: ~980. Much better than yesterday, and officially 'low cal'. 2/3 of the way done with liquid only!
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