I am confused by half hour lunches and hour vto's... in which no one thinks of dear ol' me sitting at home waiting.
No one thinks of their special entry into the home where they will be greeted by chocolate covered strawberries and a glass of champagne with raspberry coulis. After kicking of shoes and relaxing for a bit they will then take part in marinated steak on home made crackers topped with caramelized onion. After a back rub they will then be feasting upon a spinach, asiago, sun dried tomato souffle with another glass of champagne/raspberry coulis. For dessert we then have a baked pear with it's self made caramel sauce and a few wonton churros. Then to walk into the room and see their valentine's present in proper presentation, and another present that they forgot about there as well snuggled on the bed all pretty like. After much hugs and thank you's we now proceed to headywhop and etc. followed by what better be some good good lovin'.
Instead of that day... We will turn to reality, where Stephanie's plans are not important. Instead of that we turn to boredom for me. We turn to leftovers for dinner and me wanting to cancel Valentine's day altogether - it'd be more efficient that way anyway. I've never tried so hard to make one person happy, nor failed so continuously.
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New reality: One in which the boy decides to think of me and bring me the car home. Hurray! So I go and spend ridiculous amounts of money to make everything perfect... and then said boy reads above post after I asked him not to and planned on deleting it. Then said boy is a big enough idiot to let me know that he read it by posting a comment. Now I kind of want to kill him, myself, and cancel Valentine's day. Why the fuck did they invent such a stupid fucking holiday anyway? Why must you be SO ignorant?
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
guns are fun and family's the future
I've kind of failed on the entering new, well old journal entries, haven't I? I've been failing to do much of anything these days. Waking up way too early and not having a lot of money will do that to a person I suppose. I have found a rather expensive hobby I do enjoy, shooting. It's something I didn't think I would like too terribly much, but it really is quite enjoyable and entertaining. Although for Johnathan and I both it's about $80 per trip - and that's only because we purchased a membership at the range, but it does include 200 rounds of ammo. Other than that I really want to get into scrapbooking. I've somewhat enough space to do so, and it's something which is fun and you get to look back at the times in your life that meant something to you. I recently went through my box of stuff I thought I'd be adding to a scrapbook at some time or another. I noticed that I didn't remember what the significance of a lot of the things were - and who really needs that many MAX tickets! I did get to reflect on some pretty good times, and show Johnathan old pictures of my family. I didn't think I'd have any proof of my youth, but it turns out there are a few photos I can pass down.
Johnathan was discussing the new cars he would like if he were to be able to get one. The BMW Z series, MINI Cooper, Mazda Miata... and then he commented that by the time we'll be able to buy a new car, we'll probably have kids and will need something practical. Seeing as how, technically speaking, we'd be able to buy a new car in six months or so... perhaps it was an exaggeration, I don't feel morning sickness or bigger boobs or anything. I am excited to realize that he does want a family with me. I mean, he's told me that and all, but to hear him voice it to someone else is pretty spectacular. While I am slightly apprehensive, I look forward to that portion of our lives with much hope and excitement. While I know I definitely want a family, it seems strange to think of myself and Johnathan as a mother and father. Although it seems weird to think of Johnathan as a husband too. Not in the whole I'm married to him, but the label itself. Having a fiancee is wonderful, and I am soo looking forward to being married and all, I'm just not sure how I feel about introducing Johnathan as my husband. Strange.
I'm sitting at work, going through a list of keywords, bored beyond belief. The only highlights of my day are breaks, lunch, and home. I am so fortunate to be in the same building with my sweet, and be able to see him from time to time throughout the day. Life seems a little duller on days we don't work together, and work goes by a lot slower.
Speaking of work, this new assignment I'm on is pretty difficult, it involves lots of numbers and processes which I tend to forget..or were never told in the first place. People don't really care if you were told or not when you're dealing with tens of thousands of dollars though. The job isn't very rewarding, but it is a lot better than the standard base of work over here which involves searching through keywords and looking for relevancy issues and disallowed products/content. I could be getting paid to do a lot worse things for a lot less money though, so I am okay. I'm pretty sure that's how Stream keeps all of it's employees... easy job, decent money..
Besides guns and early hours, there is nothing much of note. Spending too much money on unimportant trivialities, and too little money where it counts. That's about it.
-Til next time.
Johnathan was discussing the new cars he would like if he were to be able to get one. The BMW Z series, MINI Cooper, Mazda Miata... and then he commented that by the time we'll be able to buy a new car, we'll probably have kids and will need something practical. Seeing as how, technically speaking, we'd be able to buy a new car in six months or so... perhaps it was an exaggeration, I don't feel morning sickness or bigger boobs or anything. I am excited to realize that he does want a family with me. I mean, he's told me that and all, but to hear him voice it to someone else is pretty spectacular. While I am slightly apprehensive, I look forward to that portion of our lives with much hope and excitement. While I know I definitely want a family, it seems strange to think of myself and Johnathan as a mother and father. Although it seems weird to think of Johnathan as a husband too. Not in the whole I'm married to him, but the label itself. Having a fiancee is wonderful, and I am soo looking forward to being married and all, I'm just not sure how I feel about introducing Johnathan as my husband. Strange.
I'm sitting at work, going through a list of keywords, bored beyond belief. The only highlights of my day are breaks, lunch, and home. I am so fortunate to be in the same building with my sweet, and be able to see him from time to time throughout the day. Life seems a little duller on days we don't work together, and work goes by a lot slower.
Speaking of work, this new assignment I'm on is pretty difficult, it involves lots of numbers and processes which I tend to forget..or were never told in the first place. People don't really care if you were told or not when you're dealing with tens of thousands of dollars though. The job isn't very rewarding, but it is a lot better than the standard base of work over here which involves searching through keywords and looking for relevancy issues and disallowed products/content. I could be getting paid to do a lot worse things for a lot less money though, so I am okay. I'm pretty sure that's how Stream keeps all of it's employees... easy job, decent money..
Besides guns and early hours, there is nothing much of note. Spending too much money on unimportant trivialities, and too little money where it counts. That's about it.
-Til next time.
Monday, January 25, 2010
a bit of the past
I'm thinking that I should go back through my old journals that I have and write them out. Store them for safe keeping in the electronic world. It would also give people...person, I don't know... the chance to see who I was before I got this whole thing up and running. Before I was compelled by a Mr. Johnathan Lee to start my own blog or else explode. Bet you didn't know you were the reason? Actually you probably did.
I'll begin this process once I am moved into my new apartment 100%, or at least when my journally things make their way over.
Speaking of moving, we've got so much moving left to do! John keeps saying it'll get done, but I'm starting to have doubts. Not like we have much choice in the matter though. Right now we've got the living room and kitchen half moved. Everything else hasn't been touched other than grabbing essentials. However, the place is wrecked! There are papers thrown everywhere, and so much stuff! I think that we'll end up having quite a bit to give to Goodwill, and another lot to throw away. We need to get some sort of filing system in place because there are lots of important documents that need to be kept that are currently strewn about.
February 1st. That's the day we're looking forward to. Two full time checks with prorated rent. Yes! Enough to catch up on bills, pay all the ones due, and give my lawyer his retention fee thing. Tax returns to cover the rest of the bankruptcy and then huzzah! The past can actually be the past. Thank goodness. Last year I spent my tax return paying down my debt so that I only had 2k. Now, just one year later, I'm looking at 28k. Joy. It would have been a lot more fun of a year had I been responsible for that massive increase. Oh well.
On to bigger, brighter, and better things. Right kids?
I'll begin this process once I am moved into my new apartment 100%, or at least when my journally things make their way over.
Speaking of moving, we've got so much moving left to do! John keeps saying it'll get done, but I'm starting to have doubts. Not like we have much choice in the matter though. Right now we've got the living room and kitchen half moved. Everything else hasn't been touched other than grabbing essentials. However, the place is wrecked! There are papers thrown everywhere, and so much stuff! I think that we'll end up having quite a bit to give to Goodwill, and another lot to throw away. We need to get some sort of filing system in place because there are lots of important documents that need to be kept that are currently strewn about.
February 1st. That's the day we're looking forward to. Two full time checks with prorated rent. Yes! Enough to catch up on bills, pay all the ones due, and give my lawyer his retention fee thing. Tax returns to cover the rest of the bankruptcy and then huzzah! The past can actually be the past. Thank goodness. Last year I spent my tax return paying down my debt so that I only had 2k. Now, just one year later, I'm looking at 28k. Joy. It would have been a lot more fun of a year had I been responsible for that massive increase. Oh well.
On to bigger, brighter, and better things. Right kids?
Friday, January 22, 2010
it's been 10 months
It's that time again. The time when I get to look back and reflect over where I've been and how I've grown myself, and in my relationship over the past month.
The past couple days have been really good for John and I. He told me his going to open up his past - that I'll finally be able to know everything he's never wanted to share before. I really want to jump right into the parts I've been questioning ever since we got together, but I'm taking things slow. Already I've learned more. Another fabulous development - he brushed his teeth in front of me! I know this isn't going to seem big for any of you, but it is. He's more comfortable doing anything else in front of me, and I haven't been in the room the entire time we've been together. He just kicks me out of the bathroom and locks the door, just to be safe. Last night he said that it was all open.
It's taken us ten months to come this far. I was instantly open with him, he just has that type of personality. For most people, I do to. People tell me things, confess parts of themselves easily to me. I'm not sure why, but John just didn't. He has been secretive and vague about so very, very much. It will be nice to get to know him. Which, you know, is a good thing seeing has how we're getting married exactly six months from now.
Wow! That's a ridiculously short amount of time when you think about it. I mean, it feels like just yesterday I was calling Az asking to crash at her place because my date and I forgot it was Sunday. It feels like just last week when I received adulturous kisses on the back of my neck while browsing Powell's... but let's not think about that now!
I hope that everything can work out. That this new found openness lasts and doesn't fade like so much else in life. I hope that he can really open up to me, let me in where no one else has been before. I crave intimacy, connection, truth. I need to be trusted, to be deemed worthy. I need to know the man I'm marrying.
I love working here now, with John. There's a reason to show up, there's a reason to stay. Even though it's only an hour a day - well, less with the walking and such... but still - it seems to make everything worth while.
I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. *606*Forever*
The past couple days have been really good for John and I. He told me his going to open up his past - that I'll finally be able to know everything he's never wanted to share before. I really want to jump right into the parts I've been questioning ever since we got together, but I'm taking things slow. Already I've learned more. Another fabulous development - he brushed his teeth in front of me! I know this isn't going to seem big for any of you, but it is. He's more comfortable doing anything else in front of me, and I haven't been in the room the entire time we've been together. He just kicks me out of the bathroom and locks the door, just to be safe. Last night he said that it was all open.
It's taken us ten months to come this far. I was instantly open with him, he just has that type of personality. For most people, I do to. People tell me things, confess parts of themselves easily to me. I'm not sure why, but John just didn't. He has been secretive and vague about so very, very much. It will be nice to get to know him. Which, you know, is a good thing seeing has how we're getting married exactly six months from now.
Wow! That's a ridiculously short amount of time when you think about it. I mean, it feels like just yesterday I was calling Az asking to crash at her place because my date and I forgot it was Sunday. It feels like just last week when I received adulturous kisses on the back of my neck while browsing Powell's... but let's not think about that now!
I hope that everything can work out. That this new found openness lasts and doesn't fade like so much else in life. I hope that he can really open up to me, let me in where no one else has been before. I crave intimacy, connection, truth. I need to be trusted, to be deemed worthy. I need to know the man I'm marrying.
I love working here now, with John. There's a reason to show up, there's a reason to stay. Even though it's only an hour a day - well, less with the walking and such... but still - it seems to make everything worth while.
I love you Johnathan Lee Addison. *606*Forever*
Sunday, January 10, 2010
we're all a bit jaded
When did we all become so jaded?
Think back, far back... to a time when each day was full of emotional purity, clear thoughts, renewed hope, and limitless ambition. The world was literally at your fingertips and nothing and no one could stand in your way. Until, of course it or they did. I wonder, how is it that we can go from such innocent hope to such pessimistic views seemingly in the blink of an eye? We are eternally searching for something to fill this void we've created within ourselves. Something, someone. Is it that our optimism really is dead, or that we keep setting higher and higher standards each time we fail to meet our original? If that is the case, then we are creating this sort of catch-22 self fulfilling prophecy. Creating expectations for life, for love, we know that no one will ever reach - and then we are disappointed when they don't. With each failed project, wish, relationship we seem to set the bar for the next one even higher; furthering our perpetual sorrow and downheartedness. Which begs to question: Can a broken heart ever truly mend?
Do the scars from your past ever really fade away? We like to pretend that they do, we like to put on that face and say that we judge each day of it's own accord. But who are we kidding? Your parental doubts led to you seeking that perfect mate - and we they fell short we seek for something better - better. Why don't we simply search for something different? For something that fits our brokenness, our pessimism, our jaded perspectives?
I still feel like I was just broken up with, like my hearts on the mend - from time to time. My ex and I broke up over a year ago. Perhaps the adage from Charlotte from Sex in the City is true... we don't heal until half the total time in the relationship. Maybe this is true. Somehow I feel that a truer assumption is that we simply never heal. We go through the motions of grief, we get over the worst of it, but the shadows never really are shaken from our frame.
The more we go through life, the more shadows we collect. This isn't to say we cannot find happiness within our covered and jaded frames, that a broken heart cannot love immensely. It's just that the shadows of past hurts and failures cling to the happiness and shroud the love. Perhaps we'll reach this wise old age and find a way to dispel them all. Likelier? We go insane. Senility, Alzheimer's, what is it really than our brain finally succumbing to so much past baggage? Finally throwing in the towel.
Here's the real question. If, in our current condition, we are all so jaded; if a broken heart can never fully heal... Can we break the cycle? Is there some way to reach within ourselves and fix the broken and chipped pieces? I still have faith that there may be. Perhaps, one day, I'll be proven right. Or, I'll fail in someway that erases that faith from within. I suppose, as they say, only time will tell.
Think back, far back... to a time when each day was full of emotional purity, clear thoughts, renewed hope, and limitless ambition. The world was literally at your fingertips and nothing and no one could stand in your way. Until, of course it or they did. I wonder, how is it that we can go from such innocent hope to such pessimistic views seemingly in the blink of an eye? We are eternally searching for something to fill this void we've created within ourselves. Something, someone. Is it that our optimism really is dead, or that we keep setting higher and higher standards each time we fail to meet our original? If that is the case, then we are creating this sort of catch-22 self fulfilling prophecy. Creating expectations for life, for love, we know that no one will ever reach - and then we are disappointed when they don't. With each failed project, wish, relationship we seem to set the bar for the next one even higher; furthering our perpetual sorrow and downheartedness. Which begs to question: Can a broken heart ever truly mend?
Do the scars from your past ever really fade away? We like to pretend that they do, we like to put on that face and say that we judge each day of it's own accord. But who are we kidding? Your parental doubts led to you seeking that perfect mate - and we they fell short we seek for something better - better. Why don't we simply search for something different? For something that fits our brokenness, our pessimism, our jaded perspectives?
I still feel like I was just broken up with, like my hearts on the mend - from time to time. My ex and I broke up over a year ago. Perhaps the adage from Charlotte from Sex in the City is true... we don't heal until half the total time in the relationship. Maybe this is true. Somehow I feel that a truer assumption is that we simply never heal. We go through the motions of grief, we get over the worst of it, but the shadows never really are shaken from our frame.
The more we go through life, the more shadows we collect. This isn't to say we cannot find happiness within our covered and jaded frames, that a broken heart cannot love immensely. It's just that the shadows of past hurts and failures cling to the happiness and shroud the love. Perhaps we'll reach this wise old age and find a way to dispel them all. Likelier? We go insane. Senility, Alzheimer's, what is it really than our brain finally succumbing to so much past baggage? Finally throwing in the towel.
Here's the real question. If, in our current condition, we are all so jaded; if a broken heart can never fully heal... Can we break the cycle? Is there some way to reach within ourselves and fix the broken and chipped pieces? I still have faith that there may be. Perhaps, one day, I'll be proven right. Or, I'll fail in someway that erases that faith from within. I suppose, as they say, only time will tell.
Friday, December 25, 2009
I wish you a merry Christmas
It feels like I was writing my eight months post only days ago. Yet, here we are, at month number nine. Seven months away from our wedding. It is a wonderous thing indeed.
Christmas has been pretty good this year. Nothing super fantastic to report, but nothing bad either. Overall I'd say it's about fifty million times better than last year's where I was contemplating the end of my existence and wondering if was possible to hurt more. Yeah - wasn't good. This year was lots of chili, cannibal bunnies, ammunition and such full. It was fun with my loves of all shapes and sizes and relation. I think that I'd be alright with such things next year as well.
John and I didn't get presents for each other, and based on what we want (he wants shoes, I want clothes) I don't think we will really, but we'll probably go shopping on Saturday (tomorrow) to get said items. We have... not a lot of money, but 100 from my Grandma for Christmas, that will at least get shoes and maybe a dress... if we do it right. I'm looking for a good date outfit. Black dress, red heels, something sparkly. I don't know, I have a pair of jeans and enough t-shirts.... Although I'd like to completely revamp my wardrobe, it is for now okay. I lack something suitable for a nice dinner out - or a show. I had a couple, but my aunt Christie commandeered them a couple years ago.
I am hoping that with all the business lately, that we'll be able to breath soon as we enter the new year. I have lots of planning ahead of me for the wedding, and a hot body to find in myself for my honeymoon. I need to lose three inches for my waist and that's it, beyond tightening up and increasing strength overall.
I wish you (my, what, one reader?) all the best and magical holiday wishes and hope for us all that 2010 rocks our socks and kicks 2009's ass...royally.
Christmas has been pretty good this year. Nothing super fantastic to report, but nothing bad either. Overall I'd say it's about fifty million times better than last year's where I was contemplating the end of my existence and wondering if was possible to hurt more. Yeah - wasn't good. This year was lots of chili, cannibal bunnies, ammunition and such full. It was fun with my loves of all shapes and sizes and relation. I think that I'd be alright with such things next year as well.
John and I didn't get presents for each other, and based on what we want (he wants shoes, I want clothes) I don't think we will really, but we'll probably go shopping on Saturday (tomorrow) to get said items. We have... not a lot of money, but 100 from my Grandma for Christmas, that will at least get shoes and maybe a dress... if we do it right. I'm looking for a good date outfit. Black dress, red heels, something sparkly. I don't know, I have a pair of jeans and enough t-shirts.... Although I'd like to completely revamp my wardrobe, it is for now okay. I lack something suitable for a nice dinner out - or a show. I had a couple, but my aunt Christie commandeered them a couple years ago.
I am hoping that with all the business lately, that we'll be able to breath soon as we enter the new year. I have lots of planning ahead of me for the wedding, and a hot body to find in myself for my honeymoon. I need to lose three inches for my waist and that's it, beyond tightening up and increasing strength overall.
I wish you (my, what, one reader?) all the best and magical holiday wishes and hope for us all that 2010 rocks our socks and kicks 2009's ass...royally.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tools at work are down...
So we've got solitare playing, craigslist searching MSN agents milling around waiting for a magical e-mail telling us to get back to work. It's been three hours - I'm caught up on web comics, have shopped ModCloth's new arrivals, and looked at tons of honeymoon spots - Now I shall blog!
I am thinking of self publishing a compilation of my works. I don't know if it'll sell, but apparently it's a publish as it sells company that just takes a cut from your sales. You don't sell and they don't get money - or at least that's how it seems. Double checked to make sure they don't take rights from you if you go through them too, so it seems good. I'll probably start workshopping myself until everything feels right. Then again, it'll all probably go nowhere.
I want to be better. A better partner, a better friend. I want to have a better lifestyle and a better body. I just want to make a hundred small adjustments to make things the best they can be for the current situation. I want better eating habits and better sex. A better (cleaner) home, and better cats. Better skin, better nails, and better clothes. Not perfect, not end game, just better.
John has a job! It's with Hewlett Packard doing desktop support and limited sales. It's not great work, and it tends to go against John's basic beliefs... but, it pays pretty decently for an entry level position and it gets us to a place where we can survive. That's definitely better!
Life is (hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood) getting better. Smoothing out. Routines, stability. No more emotional insanity, no more outbursts. Love, happiness, survival. There are definitely things which haven't seen marked improvement in over six months... or not sustained improvement. It seems that it's just going to fall more. Well, it's sad - but it happens, I guess.
December 21st seems to be the date we're looking forward to. One full time check of mine, and a part time one from John. We'll be able to get Christmas presents and pay all the bills and maybe...breath.
Until then my... one reader... I bid you all the happiness in the world.
I am thinking of self publishing a compilation of my works. I don't know if it'll sell, but apparently it's a publish as it sells company that just takes a cut from your sales. You don't sell and they don't get money - or at least that's how it seems. Double checked to make sure they don't take rights from you if you go through them too, so it seems good. I'll probably start workshopping myself until everything feels right. Then again, it'll all probably go nowhere.
I want to be better. A better partner, a better friend. I want to have a better lifestyle and a better body. I just want to make a hundred small adjustments to make things the best they can be for the current situation. I want better eating habits and better sex. A better (cleaner) home, and better cats. Better skin, better nails, and better clothes. Not perfect, not end game, just better.
John has a job! It's with Hewlett Packard doing desktop support and limited sales. It's not great work, and it tends to go against John's basic beliefs... but, it pays pretty decently for an entry level position and it gets us to a place where we can survive. That's definitely better!
Life is (hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood) getting better. Smoothing out. Routines, stability. No more emotional insanity, no more outbursts. Love, happiness, survival. There are definitely things which haven't seen marked improvement in over six months... or not sustained improvement. It seems that it's just going to fall more. Well, it's sad - but it happens, I guess.
December 21st seems to be the date we're looking forward to. One full time check of mine, and a part time one from John. We'll be able to get Christmas presents and pay all the bills and maybe...breath.
Until then my... one reader... I bid you all the happiness in the world.
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