Sunday, July 10, 2011


I feel myself overcome with jealousy. Everywhere I turn, there it is staring me in the face. I know, I shouldn't feel this way, that I should be content with my life, but... there it is.

I am jealous of your new best friend. Despite your claims that I will always hold this spot, I know it isn't true. I am not your reason for driving North. I am not your default call, your first option when you want to hang out or go to the beach. It stings me like a sharp kick to the gut and boils forth in seething green rays from my mind. It hurts the most to know who has taken my place, someone less than a true friend. Someone who would easily turn her back on you at the first hint of someone else's lie. I know this, because this is what she did to me. Oh well....

I am jealous that he knows you now, that he knows your family. That while I haven't seen them in ages, he is able to recount their slightest nuances and knows their hopes and dreams. I am jealous that he gets to see you every day, and that I am the slightest scrap of leftovers once everything else has been taken care of.

I am jealous that you've made new friends. That you'd rather go out with them than me, and that it's not a big deal to be lost with them for hours, but if you're lost with me for a second you unleash your Mr. Hyde. I am jealous that I am becoming less and less important to you, even as you become more and more important to me. I am fearful that you will simply lose interest all together, and that as my idiosyncrasies are spread to the world, and all your faults are blamed on me, you will begin to believe in all that is negative, instead of all that is positive.

I am jealous of all the families I see around me, young ones in tote.
I am jealous of people able to live on their own, to buy their own homes, and cars and exist without this debilitating debt.
I am jealous of those with enough ambition and will to take the chances they need to, to further their life and career.

While I can work on some of these things... while I can try to learn, grow, and change what I can... I find it harder and harder to find that serenity in things I cannot change. I also am finding it harder and harder to find the courage in myself to change what I can, for most of the things I know should be within my control, feel as if they are not. So, I am envious of all that you have, all that you are. Your freedom from commitment, your late night adventures, your ability to put yourself out there in the world and take what you want.

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