I just posted the last poem from January 2008 and earlier. Again, I plead you to share, to comment, to critique and review.
Reading back on my old work, remembering all the things I felt... it seems so alien to me now the choices I made. I was with Clint, but I had deeply strong feelings for both Gabe and Trevor. Maybe it was that they were both so close and so off limits, or that I was unhappy where I was. I'm not sure, but I do know that in those nights, writing and wishing - either one of them needed only knock on the door and say 'Come with me.' That would have been it, game over, done. Did they know this? Maybe, maybe not. I suppose now it doesn't matter, but it is something to reflect upon. The great 'loves' of my life. So many unrequieted dreams. So many accidental touches that made my heart skip and my stomach flip. And they were so unaware. Turned me down without turning me down. Crushed my entire being by being my friend alone. My fault for not being more open, more direct and yet... I'm sure if I had been I would have been turned away anyway.
The safety and security of what I had outweighed my real and true desires. So I wrote about it in poetry. I tried to tell them how I felt, but it didn't really get anywhere. Gabe knew, but... I don't know. Irrelevant. Still wondering why I stayed with Clint for so many years when my passions lay elsewhere.
So odd to me that I could feel that way. So beyond my normalcy of the now. My love for Johnathan reaches and envelops every fiber of my being. I cannot foresee ever wanting anything else, ever needing anyone else. He is my poetry. He still makes my heart skip a beat and my stomach do flips. The years have made me take him for granted in some cases I'm sure, we've lost that new glimmer. Still, there are moments when he completely takes my breath away.
No matter how angry he makes me with his alien perspective, or how we might disagree, our worst of fights last a day. Though in them I am so mad I could run away, I know I'd be right back with him as soon as I could be. He is the yin to my yang - and vice versa. There will be times where we will be off balance, but, as in nature, a homeostasis will reached. Where I am weak he is strong, where I excel he tends to lack behind - and then we share enough in common ground to make up for the quakes that follow, the rise and fall of the ripples in water as a stone is thrown in.
I am confident enough and have gained enough perspective to say that to all those who turned away - it is your loss. To all those who broke my heart, told me I wasn't good enough, it's your loss. I might not have been Asian or Christian, I might not have had the body type you craved or the wit. You might have fallen into gossip or lies. You may have followed the crowd instead of thinking for yourself. Whatever your reason you're not in my life.... you have no idea what you're missing.