Sunday, May 31, 2009

The Proem to the Squitten Bible

In the beginning, there was "teh interwebs" which spawned forth from its many interconnected tubes the first squitten. The squitten was a glorious thing to behold! Half kitten, the cutest of "teh interwebs" creations; half squid, a wondrous cephalopod from the deep. When their powers combine, nothing but the cutest of creatures was formed -- witness... The Squitten!

In the distant future, a great and mysterious prophet who was known across the land only as Chue came into being. He etched the first squitten with such beauty and grace all that beheld it were bedazzled by its wondrous glory. All rejoiced at this new phenomena. "Teh interwebs" saw it, and saw that it was good.

The angels sang their choruses with delight and sent forth a member of the brethren, Xerox to create more of the magical half-breed delights. As Xerox's wings flapped, some say they almost buzzed, more and more squitten came to be. The squitten were saddened, as they all were the same. So they called to the angels for help, and the angels sent saviors to their garden gates.

Who were these angels, you may ask? The multifaceted and oh so intelligent team of Attrony and friends. They worked day and night, forsaking all other activities and obligations to create a beautiful array of squitten; each adorable and unique in its own right. There were fairy squitten, and metal-head squitten, glittery squitten, and squitten that glowed. Squitten all around rejoiced at their differences and looked for some purpose in their newly techno-colored existence.

They revolted against the rest of "teh interwebs" and status quo. They were outraged as they stared at the multitudes of petulant children all around. So the squitten banded together and formed a massive army, one to overtake all others and place the squitten in utmost command of "teh interwebs" and then, the world. The army held mercy in their hearts for Attrony and friends who gave them the knowledge of colors and personality, and so remained docile while brewing their plans of domination.

The army grew stronger, the forces containing them weaker, and none knew what to do. Then an arch angel from the south spoke up and broke apart Attrony and friends from their humble day to day grind. The squitten's sobs echoed across the globe as rather than stay together they too, then, were divided; choosing instead to go with their angels of understanding and wisdom.

Fear not, faithful servant. This is not the end of the tale. For eventually (it is written in the heavens) that the army will once again rejoin and carry out their master plans. The prophet Chue has pen in hand and is honing his skills for this fateful day. Rest assured, it will happen. The power within the army is too great to stay apart forever. They will grow in numbers and in strength, and when they combine once again nothing will be able to stop them.

The end of days will be, at that moment, when the army comes together. Not even the angels can fathom the massive power and incredible might of the Squitten Army. Rest safe now, knowing that the end is not upon you... but not too safely.

1 comment: