Wednesday, May 6, 2009

my musings for the day

"...still can't find myself. I still stand alone in a world where those that are supposed to do the least are actually doing the most."

I hope that you can do all that you can to find yourself. You need not feel alone, for though I am assuming that I am the person you are referring to here - just accept that everything will work itself out. There are no tallies of what is owed, there is only love.

" I think that a sudden and severe impact that I have experienced more than once in my recent life may have actually caused damage. Either that or I need to stop thinking so much."

Yeah - you're crazy. It is all in your head I think. Either you're not liking what you're seeing/feeling or you're thinking too much about ... mother's with their head's blown off while holding young children. Or, you know you're broken in another way. Regardless the 'sudden and severe impact' didn't do it.

I know that we weren't best friends or anything of the sort before this whole thing got started, but we were friends. At least in my mind. One of the apprehensions that I had with all this was that fact - but I guess the feeling was not reciprocated. Well, all I can say is I hope that we become friends so you don't feel the need to shut me out should the other aspects dissolve. You're amazing and I don't want to not have you. I'm sure things would change if it were to end...still.. I don't know - again, not thinking of such things.

I feel bad in feeling happy that a fight ensued between the two of you causing you to 'eliminate.' I also felt ridiculously sad or something and wanted to make you call and apologize. Yeah, because I'm logical and such. I've told you you'll never meet anyone as conflicted and running on dual channels as me, haven't I?

The night that I had my... I don't know - I won't call it a breakdown because not a single tear fell. The memory that kept pounding its way through wasn't as traumatic as some of the other ones that could have pierced my shell, but it was very like vivid or something. So it's my dad and he's got like scruffies or maybe a mustache and he's making me kiss him, but I don't want to so I'm pulling away so he grabs my like cheeks and pushes them together so like my mouths slightly open and then when he kisses me I can feel the border of his facial hair and taste the tobacco he has in his mouth. Bits of this tobacco make their way into my mouth... and so, yes - please never chew tobacco - or have a mustache...

I could have had a million other ones which made their way to primary tab, but that's the one that made it. The others were there - being processed and recognized, but for some reason... yeah. Thanks for ... being asleep I guess. If you weren't then you might have tried to pry or something which if I had told you then it may have become a break down.

Yeah, I got my haircut again. Even though you seemed to have a preference of me not - you didn't seem to notice. However, you did notice the flower - so perhaps you were merely going with the if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all deal. Who knows. I feel so much lighter! I love Diana and recommend her to any of you. She's at the Perfect Look in Tanasbourne. She's cute and has pretty tattoos.

I feel sometimes like I am someone else. Or that I've changed and I don't know it. You know when you look in the mirror to make sure you look fabulous? I've been looking in the mirror to make sure that I'm still me. What do you do when you look in the mirror and someone else is looking back? You're not thinking that you look bad necessarily, just that it's not you. . . I don't know.

The apartments I really want, shit it's too late to call them now! Anyway, so they say I make too much money, but they have me at like... 2,400 more than I could possibly make by their little program. I think I'm going to try and fight it. There is another apartment in Beaverton that's 900 ft. for 550/month but it's ... well, the buildings were built in 1969 so...yeah. Makes me said Village at Lovejoy Fountain is like ... *sigh* pretty. 2 blocks from Keller Auditorium, right around the corner from PSU campus, a jaunt to the waterfront. Yeah, fabulous much?

As for my personal feelings right now, well... I feel off... like, something is imposing itself. What is this happening to me? Shocking things, tuning radio through speakers, having so many tabs open that I can't even see them all. How can I be contemplating dark matter and black holes, while flashing memories of my past, wondering what exactly the program you went through was about, and how cute kitty looks, and the weather patterns, and homelessness, and apartments, and money, and..yeah - all that at once. No wonder my brain feels like it's exploding.

PS you still owe me a letter.


  1. Actually, I think that you're the one that's not supposed to be doing anything and you're the one doing the most...As for not liking what I'm seeing or feeling, it's nonsense. I didn't think it was the sudden impact either. However...It all being in my head, I dunno. Just love. I like it.


  2. Being friends won't exactly be the same...I dunno. It would be very different if it dissolved.

    I won't chew tobacco and I won't have a true mustache. I'll shave right now.

    I wasn't sure that you got your hair cut but I didn't think you would simply not say anything so I just assumed you didn't. You did mention that class ended early but you arrived per norm...So it makes sense. I can't tell the difference at the moment and I always think you look lovely anyway.

    I know exactly what you mean by the mirror bit...

    FALJ is in fact fabulous.

    As for your feelings being off, I'm sorry...If there is anything you want or need from me that I am personally not giving, please talk to me about it. One of the biggest mistakes that people make in their lives and relationships is waiting til something just explodes when it could have been resolved much sooner.

    As for the tabs...I don't know what to say about it...I mean, you get used to it...And it's kind of funny that we've given a name...Tabs in the brain browser...Le sigh. So, live forever with me?