Thursday, May 21, 2009

it's one of those moments

You know, those moments when you realize that everything will be okay if you could freeze time? The bits and pieces of life that paint your perfect world in mosaic? One of those moments. Something is... different with him and this. I can't really say more without sounding like that dreaded girl at the party. I shouldn't say more giving that it's only officially been two months (tomorrow). All I know is that last night was, one of those moments. A pin-prick in time that makes you realize that those three words really are said too much and that they simply are not enough.

In other news, it seems that a lot of the stress is going to be lifted, at least a little bit. The apartment apparently is going to let us do monthly payments on our deposit, not in the best way imaginable, but in a way that we can afford to move in. I'm not sure if that's going to help too terribly much, but it will a little bit. In addition, I might be able to get my BA in Social Science at the PCC campus as a satellite for the PSU program --- assuming I decide to teach elementary school, which I think I am going to. I guess I can always switch later if I change my mind? All these grown up decisions. Maybe I'll open up a poll and you guys get to decide? Sure -- comment or w/e with your decision and I'll listen to those that know me best.

In addition in a negative manner, I still have tons of other debt to deal with. I have an unpaid school balance of $391, $1500 on a 30% interest Credit card and $4000 for my car, oh an $1,000 on the bed (interest free until Feb. 2010 though). I'm having a housewarming party (text me or DM me on Twitter for address) on the 25/26. Hopefully the 25th in the evening, like 8:30pm. If you want to get me anything... we need a microwave, two+ bar stools, and money. I'm going to not have a job in 10 days and John doesn't have anything lined up. We will be needing all the help we can get -- living off of 800 a month for two people. Yeah, joyous times.

Enough about the bitching, how did that even pop up? I was rambling about the beautiful love making and love existing that occurred last night that was like, wow. I can't even describe the closeness and such that I feel for him. I continuously run myself through the gauntlet of my mind -- what would I do if... it came down to the wire and he didn't have a job? Clint pressed wanting to get back with me? He went to Virginia and disappeared? The answer to every mind scenario is this - me with him, and only him. I will 'fight a bitch' if I have to. I do doubt myself sometimes, when he does; or expresses his half voiced doubts. I then think about everything in my life that has transpired. I have something here that I do not want to lose. He very well could leave tomorrow and never return. I know this. There is that chance that he gives up and cannot take my habitually frayed nervous system.

"This may not last but this is now so love the one you're with."
"And if it turns out/ It's over too fast/ I'll make every last moment last"
"Say there's no future/ For us as a pair/ And though I may know/ I don't care/ Just for this moment/ As long as you're mine/ Come be how you want to/ And see how bright we shine"

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