Sunday, April 19, 2009

All that we are is contradictory to all that they say we should be.

I hope now you understand slightly more what I meant and that you have no cause for worry. I don't really know how to describe this hollow feeling but it is more than just the acceptance of love I know; for it is in conjunction with other emotions as well.

I can't really explain how I feel about you without feeling like I'm sounding like... well for lack of a better metaphor, I'll stick with one we've dealt with before "that girl at the party you make out with..." I get this sensation that ... that what I feel is irrational, and careless, and it terrifies me. I shouldn't be this deep four weeks in. That's not to say that I have any regrets or major apprehensions at all. It only means that I am aware of how I feel and the way in contrasts with societal standards. I know, I know - fuck society, right? Well... I am trying, and have been moderately so. Right? Right. For all that we are is contradictory to all that they say we should be.

Know that there is no place I'd rather be right now than wrapped in the covers, your arms, and bliss. I have obligations to attend to, but that doesn't mean that I desire them. Lately my desires have been singular and simplistic. You, kitty love, sunshine, distraction. So don't doubt me, or us. Don't contemplate and fret because you see the world in black and white and where I lie is in fields and gradients of gray. I have told you numerous times that I am a walking contradiction. I have never met anyone who contains as much duality in their personality as I, or at least have never seen the duality as much as I can see my own. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your mind. I hope that you can take me at my word and my actions and the way that I know I must look at you. You take my breath away sometimes, and I am surprised that you have any doubt at all.

I have never felt this stressed financially ever, except I don't know - when I was a kid feeling the stress indirectly. I am concerned that I won't be able to continue going to school because of finances and the state of the economy. I am worried that I will fall away from my friends when this contract ends. I am concerned that everything in my life is on the verge of being ripped apart. In the same token I feel like I removed from reality and living in a separate bubble than the rest of the world. Like I'm on a sort of vacation from reality. Which should mean that I don't worry - but it doesn't. I need to accomplish these things, I have to have these goals or I am lost.

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