Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I am in love.

I am glad the emo is done with. That whole day of crying at work and being over dramatic was all for nothing as I figured it would be. Clint is trying to get back into my life. Well, I'm not against it. He was my best friend and at times only friend for the past four years and it would nice to have him back in that regard. And, to be honest with the lack of sex and real physical contact that existed between us there for quite a while - I don't think it'll be too hard to have it happen.

You can still tell me no - but for fuck's sake you have to do it outright. I should, as a good girlfriend and person, realize your wants and comply. However, I am stubborn - always have been and will continue to be until I die (and probably afterwards).

I've known that I've that I loved you longer than I would let myself say it. Still, at times it seems strange. When the time-space continuum shifts and I can see the real world's speed. . . However, I didn't know how much, and how real until the other night. First - I had an overwhelming need to --- consume? I've never felt that way before, and while it was almost unnerving, it was great as well. I don't know if I've needed anything as much as I needed the taste of your flesh and to feel you as I did then. As you said, "that's not you, it's me." Well, that quote doesn't make sense in the blog based off of the fact that it was you saying it and me only agreeing not me saying it on a different matter, but what the hey.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was this - In Montage as you describe how that restaurant breaks down your abilities, the light from outside and the candle mingled in perfect harmony on your face and danced in your irises with glee. You seemed to nearly glow. As I stared into your eyes a feeling of pure peace washed over me and my heart felt warm and full to the point of bursting. In fact, so much emotion was welling forth I thought my face would break from a smile or that tears would well in my eyes. I'm not sure if any extra moisture made it to my optical orbs, however I do know that a smile most surely passed across my face. Not only that but.. God I don't know how to describe how it feels to look at someone you love.... like warm, directed... love beams shooting from your eyes. The feeling is so intense at times and it is usually at these times that you ask me what I am feeling - because it is intense and felt in every portion of my face it amazes me that you cannot tell - whether you can read me or not ... I don't know, you should be able to read that.

In short... I love you. Completely, outrageously, ridiculously, absolutely and... terrifyingly. I don't know how it happened, I don't know why in the grand scheme it happened, and I don't know exactly when it happened... but it did.

I know that we have our insecurities, but know this. Mine will fade with time. I know this from my own past experiences. I may, for a while, think that Emily still holds your heart - regardless of how many times you tell me otherwise. I may, for this same time be afraid that if ever she called you would run to her. However, as our relationship and love become stronger I will think/feel this less and less. It will NOT be something which crumbles our relationship.

I don't know from where your insecurities within Clint lie... He is no threat to you. Comparisions aside - of which I could make numerous... I love you and am with you and will be with you as long as you want me. I will be with no other in any respect. If .. for some unforseen and dreadful reason I have feelings or want someone else, I will definitely bring it to your attention before the temptress or temptor even has a lingering thought on the matter. I hope that your insecurities do not crumble us as you say they will.

Age with me, keep me with you. Be my radioactive, alien, vampyre, werewolf, robot, panda bear Asian forever if you choose. Be mine as long as you will have me, I will be yours. When you no longer want me, please be gentle in the way you sever me from your world. I am afraid when I hit reality's time I may shatter - flesh ripped from bone. Yeah... let's not think about that, shall we?

Anything else in Stephanie world worth mentioning? I got a 91 on a fucked up Astro test. I think Mouse's kittens are fantasticly adorable. I am so happy Merrick is a cat. I am terrified of being in the apartment now because I want to avoid confrontation. The apartment manager and I will eventually have to speak to one another and in doing so I will probably no longer have a place to live. FML right now. I don't have any money to give, but because I feel the need to I'm giving Az money. I'll make it work somehow. As soon as you exist I think things will work better. Please exist soon. I want to have a place to live with the loves. My boy and my kitties.

TTFN whoever reads this nonsense.

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