If it is human nature only, that doesn't make it any less confusing. How can you be so cold and then try to fall into place as my best friend again? I can't help but wonder if it is the realization that I've moved on. Maybe you envisioned me alone waiting for you patiently as I felt I would do. That's not the case, however. Yet... it was wonderful to hear your voice. The timber echoing with your laugh. It's a laugh I haven't heard in ages and it feels so right to be hearing it. Humans are creatures of sentiment - yes, I know. Honestly... fuck... I can't trust myself in the situations that I may have been put in. Main reason I didn't go. I don't know what I'd be capable of seeing through intuition and reading him in the situation. I don't know what I'd be able to avoid. Most of all... I don't know how I feel about him anymore.
I know that I cannot be with him. I want you and all that you are. I cannot imagine anything that I want more. There's still this part of me that has him as the person that I'll end up with. It's so fucked up and I can't even rationalize it. I can't even begin to think about it for I don't want to sit here and cry whilst pulling out my hair at work.
Did he just want a reaction? For me to be sitting here like I am. He knows me well enough to know that it wasn't going to happen. He knows me all too well. I suppose his guilt trips and eagerness affected me as he wanted.
I know now that you'll be worrying about everything. As I have faith in you, please keep your faith in me. Know that I will not lie to you or keep things hidden from you. Know that you can trust me to not falter from this. I've held you as mine for quite sometime, you've completely stolen my heart for your own. I am yours, as long as you'll have me I'll be no others in any respect. Please know that it is just my ... I don't know, sentiment? That's not even right... I have no idea what it is.
I know I love you so that it scares me. I don't want to get hurt and I know now that it's unavoidable. I've tried to keep myself detached as much as possible. Yes, that's beyond fucked up - but it's true. I've tried to make sure that I would be okay with you leaving, with us ending. I've tried to make sure that you wouldn't get into the inner chambers of my heart so that I could be safe from your nomad lifestyle and seemingly fleeting desires.
For someone to be your primary - you need the proximity of them and them not to push you away. The thing is, she never did. She may have wanted Virginia more, but she didn't push you away. She was willing to do what it took to keep you. So how on Earth can you say that she didn't want you? That she was done? The whole situation with her - the husband, the other girl the cheating and haphazardness of it all... it just is so fucked up I can't fathom it. Yet, you seem .... okay with it all.
This will be my biggest insecurity in this. You know it, whoever reads these stupid things knows it. It is not enough to keep from being with you, from wanting you as much as I do. However, it might make me reserved a bit more.
It felt so weird to tell him. . . Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes, I love him. It was like a ... heat came over me and my stomach got this hollow feeling my heart sunk into. It doesn't make any sense! I hate myself. For everything. For not being strong enough to hold myself together, for having those fleeting thoughts, for letting you down, for not being like I should, for holding myself back, for not being what you need.
I realized that my 5..4.. I don't know year anniversary would have been three days ago. Had we had enough funds and things we would have been getting married... wow. Yeah, I don't know... I passed the day in an uneventful way, and without incident.
Can a heart have two parallel desires? I've argued no, I've argued yes. I told you no, it can't. Truth is, it might be possible. It'd be easier to tell if I knew what my parallel desires were.
Right now I only know that I want to be in your arms, I want to feel your hands wrapped around me, I want your lips on mine. I could spend an eternity staring into your eyes and drinking you in. I want you to tell me that I am yours and you are mine and that nothing and no one will ever come between that. I want that to be true. I wish that there wasn't that damned shadow lurking over every one of my actions. It's been there the whole time, and you mentioned you felt it too. What is it? Why is it? More importantly, how do we kill it? Do we just continue on our path, our way, and it will dissipate over time?
I'm glad that there's not any bugs coming in because I can't stop writing. Stopping might equal explosions of brain matter on the cubicle walls. The squitten sure would get a treat.
I want to read the letter you wrote. Although, perhaps you never will show it. You had it done only to revise. I can only imagine that another and another will be done. Perhaps because of this, perhaps not.
You know my insecurities... I found it so .. strange that you wanted to know so bad. Mayhap it was just you trying to get a full understanding of who I am. Knowing someone's weakness is a definite part of knowing them. I only know that you don't like the Willamette River. That enough dairy in a quick enough time has a chance of wrecking you. You have no insecurities about yourself. Not that you should, you're beautiful and amazing.
I don't deserve the person that you are and the potential person you will become. I don't. I am fickle, I am flighty, I am flaky and unkind. I try so hard to be a good person - but I'm not. I am nothing that I try to be, that I admire. I have faith in humanity, maybe this is my only saving grace. I guess I've fucked humanity over if your faith in us rested on me, huh? I feel self destructive and apathetic. In the same breath I feel like putting on my highest guard and hoping the waves of the world miss me because I'm bursting with my own emotions.
I want you. Just so you know. Just so you can't leave me thinking that I want something else more, that I don't really want you. I don't think you can since you say that you can't read me and all. Does that mean I get to keep you? I want to. I...
and then this song plays... okay... this song in context is what let me know that it was okay to go on a limb and be with you, love you. Just for this moment....
As Long As You're Mine
KISS ME TOO FIERCELY
HOLD ME TOO TIGHT
I NEED HELP BELIEVING
YOU'RE WITH ME TONIGHT
MY WILDEST DREAMINGS
COULD NOT FORESEE
LYING BESIDE YOU
WITH YOU WANTING ME
JUST FOR THIS MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
I'VE LOST ALL RESISTANCE
AND CROSSED SOME BORDERLINE
AND IF IT TURNS OUT
IT'S OVER TOO FAST
I'LL MAKE EV'RY LAST MOMENT LAST
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE…
MAYBE I'M BRAINLESS
MAYBE I'M WISE
BUT YOU'VE GOT ME SEEING
THROUGH DIFFERENT EYES
SOMEHOW I'VE FALLEN
UNDER YOUR SPELL
AND SOMEHOW I'M FEELING
IT'S "UP" THAT I FELL ...
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
I'LL WAKE UP MY BODY
AND MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME...
SAY THERE'S NO FUTURE
FOR US AS A PAIR ...
AND THOUGH I MAY KNOW
I DON'T CARE …
JUST FOR THIS MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
COME BE HOW YOU WANT TO
AND SEE HOW BRIGHT WE SHINE
BORROW THE MOONLIGHT
UNTIL IT IS THROUGH
AND KNOW I'LL BE HERE HOLDING YOU
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE...