Wednesday, April 8, 2009

ramble ramble.

I have a sinking sensation in my chest. This is going to end. I have a very strong realization - I don't want it to. I really, really don't. I - despite everything - am in love. I know that it's soon - too soon to feel this way. To feel like I do for someone in all honesty I barely know. It may have been a giant jump off of the tallest mountain to feel this way - to do what I have been doing, but really, I don't care. He is the most amazing person I think I've ever met. I don't think that it makes much sense all of this. I can't figure it out, and that scares me.

I realized that after everything I will always love Clint. I don't want to, but I do. I am by no means in love with him. I realize every day that he wasn't good for me, that he couldn't be what I need in a man, couldn't give me what I seek in a relationship. He was a major part of my life, he helped make me who I am - and we did have a lot of amazing, wonderful times. Perhaps that is why it hurts so much to see him disheveled and to have him be such a ... prickish bastard. I don't even know if words can describe the crapiness he has shown to me over the past. Yet, I think it may be in part that my new boyfriend and I showed up at his apartment to take his things from him. Still... I want my Wii god damn it!

I feel like curling up and crying. I don't understand why. I don't understand this impression of ever coming doom that is consuming me. I am curious as how to define what love is as well. How do you define something that is unexplainable? Like how you know that God is there - how to describe the wind, or light.

I know that I want to be with him, I know that the way he smiles melts me. I know that he is intriguing, fantastic, chivalrous, considerate, passionate and unique. I know that everything he does seems brilliant and that the touch of his hand sends shivers down my spine. I know that I am becoming increasingly...protective I suppose you could say... over him - but that I will try not to let him see it. I want to make him happy, and know that he makes me happy. I want to be someone who makes him feel like humanity is worth fighting for - that there isn't reason to lose hope. I love the time we spend together - it is more often than not the highlight of my day. I feel undeserving of this. Love? As defined by some - yes, and it would be what I think as well.

I am afraid of the consequences of this. Of me putting my heart on the line only to get it smashed to smithereens later down the road. Of course he says he won't hurt me - as long as I want him he's mine. Well... I can only imagine he's whispered the same sweet nothings to people he's left broken before. However, I can say that - for the time being and foreseeable future - I do share the sentiment. Even so... it may be the stress of monies, and school, and life getting in the way. Maybe. Or, I am just in a state of hormonal imbalance - eh, who knows?

With so much falling apart - for every relationship ended I feel more despair. I can feel the pain of every broken heart sometimes. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to find their soul mate and live happily ever after in some mystical land. I want every child to have a warm, loving home and reach their full and utmost potential. I wish so much for the world, even though I know it will never come to be. These bubbles and fantasies should end when the world becomes real to you. I am slightly jaded in that I learned too much of the real world too quickly in my life. How is it, then, that I still have these fantasies of youth? The wish for a ... happy quiet life. For a decent job where I can affect the youth of the nation and help them become the best they can be, a loving man to hold me - a couple children in the yard. I don't know - dreams change and fluctuate, but one thing I long for is completeness. A chance to make a difference.

Okay, so I have no idea if any of this made sense. Just drank pint o' bum wine. In summation (or apparent summation) I feel sad, but it doesn't make sense. I love him but it shouldn't be by societal standards. Fuck society's standards. And... something or other. Kittens are cute. Halle Berry + Hugh Jackman = sexy lady + sexy man = sexy mcsexerson.

Teh end? Fuck if I know. Strong feeling that sobriety will equal deletions and edits. Hmm. Oh vell!


  1. I have said the same things and they have all ended. But I was truthful to each and every one of them. They no longer wanted me in some way or another. You don't always have to voice it for someone to know what you're feeling. I guess you sometimes just walk away before the words need to be said. Sometimes people won't ever say them for sentimental reasons. Instead they go about living a lie. I won't let that be the case for my relationships. I'll walk away if someone doesn't want me anymore. I'll walk away if there isn't any faith in saving what I believe in. I have faith in you.

  2. Life is all about taking chances. Being scared that you might fail, you'll accomplish nothing. Not even failure.

    Just don't put too much pressure on yourself or situations in regards to any relationship romantic or otherwise and you'll come out of it with something no matter how it ends up. Just like what you described with Clint. You understand you're not 'in love' with him, but you came out with experience.

    I think it's just best to try to let go of anxieties and fears and enjoy doing what you're doing in the present. Nothing lasts forever, but at the same time, everything has a tendency to work out in the long run.

    /end cheesy motivational speech :D