Sunday, April 26, 2009

I will NOT cry at work

I can understand this. It truly is a sentiment and a vision that we may have held for so long within ourselves. Once that isn't the case anymore, no matter what reality is, we can't see ourselves in something else for a while.

That's good, because it is truly only on rare occasions. The number of times I see your face in my mind, in my dreams (metaphoric and actual) far outweighs anything else. I feel like a little girl again when I am with you in this world where everything can be okay.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your insecurities in yourself control...I appreciate that you didn't go knowing this. As for not knowing how you feel...I think that's the bigger issue.

I don't have insecurities about my self control. More so my ability to control him that I would have concern for. I got to a point where I knew what he was going to do/say and what he was thinking at any given time. I don't think I have that anymore. I believe that I can derive enough of how I feel from what I want - can you?

I would be telling a lie if I said that I wouldn't be worrying...I just can't show it...I have to be secure in myself and tell myself that everything will be okay. I have faith in you.

I understand. You don't have to hide it, unless you feel you need to. You should definitely be secure in yourself. You are everything I've dreamed for thus far. Well... you're not 6'1" and you're not built like a bronzed god, and you don't have a mansion on the hill. Otherwise, perfect. (That was so meant with sarcasm and love by the way as I couldn't care less about all that as long as I have you.) Faith in me is good. I'd like a friendship with him if at all possible - and I realize that this may be exacting double standards to the place my mind went when reading the comment left by her...

I give myself over completely so that in seeing who we are as people, we can decide what's worth holding on to and what's not. It is a nomadic lifestyle I think...I don't think I've ever explained to you that I need an anchor to keep me somewhere. I've not truly experienced "home" in a while. There's the saying "Home is where your heart is." That's true for me in this case. When my heart isn't there anymore, it's time for a new home. I don't choose though...

As corny as it is, I feel the same way. While Oregon is and always will be my home, and while I love Portland with all the snuggles you can a city - I'd move anywhere you wanted to if you need to move to fulfill your dreams/destiny/desire. I hope that I can be your anchor. As for the fact you don't choose, I don't buy it.

As for me being okay with it, I sometimes question my ability to feel anything other than love..... Everything else...falls short.

Hm. I hope that you can feel other than love, and I'm sure that you do. Love and pain are not enough to sustain you as a normal, functioning individual. You'd be... well, a zombie of sorts. Perhaps you are, but I won't buy that either.

You're everything I need. In your thought of falling short here, also consider what you are doing elsewhere that is above and beyond. If you're uncomfortable with the idea here as you may be...Eliminate it.

Not sure how to interpret this... "what you are doing elsewhere that is above and beyond." "with the idea here" What exactly is that. However, you saying that I'm everything you need. I can only hope that this is the case. That's all I need to know.

We know that it can. Example: Now.

Not sure if I do have dual desires. I wish that I could incorporate him as Jack and Gabe and my other boys are in my life, but I doubt that will be possible. So, I'll see what happens. Again, I feel that there's a double standard here. Please let me know if you agree. I will do nothing if it puts unnecessary strain on you or our relationship. That is my number one and nothing will interfere. You need to be direct with me.

It saddens me to say this but no...Time doesn't really fix it. You need to face it. It might turn out where you want to be. It might turn out to be something you really don't want. In either case, you need to make up your mind right then. Walk away forever or run back with open arms.

What about your feeling of 'shadow'? I chalked it up to the fact that - it's only been a month and four days... so I mean we shouldn't really be at this point society-wise. We are however. If you believe it's something else, I'd love to hear it. In that same token, what is your feeling stemming from, then?

As for my own insecurities, I don't think I have any physical ones...Generally I think this is due to the fact that the human body means very little to me.

Well, I wasn't really talking about physical ones only in this sense. I doubt you have any in any regard. Again - you don't have a reason to. (btw 'the human body' makes you sound like you're an alien...)

You don't need to want something else more. All you need to want is something else. Period...

I want to be a teacher, I want to be a mom, I want to have a home and be able to provide my children with the world. I want to travel and explore other peoples. I want to be able to eat and continue my education. I want to have friends, and socialize. I want fresh flowers surrounding me at all times. I want pearls around my neck and diamonds on my fingers. I want to never have another period in my whole life, I want to be 21 right now, I want to be able to manipulate my own brain waves and those of other people's. Teleportation and invisibility would be awesome too. More than that, I want for you to be with me as you are now. Wow did I just melodramatic that out...but you get the idea.

I will agree that our whole situation was fucked up, so kudos to the person who pointed it out. However, it was ours and yet another journey the two of sat down and decided to embark on together. I love you for sticking by me as much as you did. You're hands down the best thing ever. I cannot comment on the rest of the statement that has me in it because you know how i feel on all of it...

only on tuesdays...<3

I don't know if it was certain pieces of this or the whole thing overall - but this struck a chord for sure. It brings in perspective how we started this whole everything... and that there are still feelings and "sentiment" between the two of you in a high amount. It is nowhere near my place to say that this isn't 'kosher' for I suppose that would make me a hypocrite. Although you've promised that you would 'eliminate' this issue/insecurity - you haven't. It doesn't bother me in so much as a friendship exists, and again, so not even my place as I told you when you said you would. I just... I don't know. Not a big deal for the long run I hope.

After reading your ness, especially with the commentary I had to fight tears and my emotions coursing through me. If you say "Hey, I'd rather you didn't" I won't. Regardless of my overall philosophy on the matter - you have every reason to make that request. If it were in a more subtle manner that this came about I doubt that you would care - as you seem secure and should be. I know that the behavior he exhibited last night was off character and more than likely indicative of less than pure intentions - conscious or otherwise. I hoping that it is otherwise, and that we can do ... what ever we do and begin to form a friendship from ground zero. I want my life to be normal, I want to make the world and all its inhabitants happy. I like to please people, to give them what they want. I often put myself at the bottom of the totem pole. I will give you what you want, within reason of course. I will not give anyone anything which would keep you from having what you want. I will not give anyone anything which would keep me from having you. So, do I want something else - yeah, I guess you could say that in that I have my own hopes, desires, and world. I hope that doesn't mean you'll cling to someone else and leave me behind.

As early and new as this relationship's not in my emotional involvement. So if at any time I that girl at the party you make out with and then... well, my bad. I love you. Three words said far, far too much. Yet, the truth remains.

1 comment:

  1. As one voice I won't cast a vote saying "Hey, I'd rather you didn't." As a voice of many and all unknown, I think my words would be otherwise.

    As for the other bits...I don't know...

    PS, I intend to post the captcha on all of my comments from now on. This goes for everyone.