Sunday, March 15, 2009

A comment

"I want to share with you words of wisdom. Not because I'm her friend, or because I truly dislike him, but because I hope that in some way, my experience can help someone in this situation. I have been in your place, as I have hers. I was the selfish one who broke the bonds of a friendship, or a love, that I had no business being in. I have also been the one waiting at home crying myself to sleep over someone I loved more than I had ever loved anyone else in my life. The sad truth of that matter is, both cases were over the same guy. You may feel guilty now, horrible, yet oddly exhilarated, but in the end you will end up as she is now. Again, this isn't meant to be malicious towards you or him, but walk into whatever may come of you and him with the knowledge that he has done this before, and he is likely to do it again."

The sad thing of the matter is that I have been in both places as well. While I can't say I have had no part, I feel I have done my best to remain neutral. And I now understand the world better for being in this position. Had I not, I wouldn't be able to see the torment that Clint went through. When he told me he was hurt and struggling and loved me I didn't believe him. Now I know that he did, and was trying to end it the only way he knew how - and perhaps the only way there is. Instead of harboring an incessant hatred for him, I know that he provided me with the platform upon which I can now build. He was the wind beneath my wings, but I can still fly. Perhaps it will end poorly. Perhaps it will never start. All I know is that I am along for the ride.

I wish that this ride could have been a little less full of drama, but I truly believe everything happens for a reason. If I had never seen the other side of the situation I still would be in denial perhaps, and never would have understood the duality that exists in all people. I have not broken the bonds of anything, that much I can say. The bonds were crumbling and I tried to save them, I didn't want to see a friend go through what I had. I don't know how that friendship shifted or changed, but who am I to judge - it did. I do feel guilty, not for the relationship ending, since I played no part in that; but for the pain that she feels knowing I exist. I feel horrible because I know how she feels, and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I feel horrible because I wanted their, and all, relationships to succeed. I feel horrible that I developed these feelings too soon, rather than after he had ended it. It really doesn't matter in the end - everything plays out like it is supposed to. Everything is a learning experience.

I know that it hurts right now. That you feel like your world has no purpose, that you you feel you aren't who you thought you were. I struggled, a lot at first, with thoughts of suicide. I truly believed I was with the one I was supposed to be with for all time and that he was the only thing worth living for. I wouldn't let go of the relationship. I kept trying to figure out the why of it all. I lay in bed and didn't sleep, I would just cry. I couldn't eat, not without vomiting any way. In hindsight, however, I can see the erroneous flaws our relationship had. Love is blind. I thought that he was my soul mate. I didn't see the double standards, the capturing and containing, the mind games. No, it wasn't all bad, and some of our relationship was quite good. However, in the end it comes down to basic underlying tenants of loyalty, compatibility, trust, honesty, kindness, and love. Love means so much, but, as much as I'd like to believe it is not everything. If you aren't compatible in a relationship with one another, no matter how long it lasts it will not work out. If you don't feel like you can be honest with someone, trust them no matter what or where, it simply won't work out. If you don't have 100% loyalty to the other person: mind, body, heart, and soul - and if they don't reciprocate those feelings - it won't work out. There was a time when I thought love would conquer all. While without love there cannot be much, it is not the end all. 

I cannot think anymore on this - as I do have much homework to accomplish. I need to graduate in June to stay with my plans....whatever they'll happen to be when June rolls around. I am still maintaining my current philosophy of floating along this river and going wherever it takes me. Right now it is taking me in a direction that is difficult, but is soon to become better I think. I can't explain it in words exactly how I am feeling - language fails yet again. As my friend Randy said, if language could accurately portray the thoughts and feelings I am having - no one would disagree with me. That could sound highly egotistical, but I don't at all mean it that way.

1 comment:

  1. All in all I suppose you are right. I had my doubts about them early on. The whole meaning behind my previous comment was this: don't be surprised if he does the same thing he's doing now when/if he's with you.