Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I decide, fuck it, I'm not going to bury anything at all. Just free fall into a crisp pool of openness. Yeah, that didn't work. 

I have this very strong feeling she isn't going anywhere, and you're just pulling me into some sort of social experiment because you want to see how I'll react. I'm not sure if  this is my brokeness (as Az claims it to be) or reality. I wish I had the balls to ask you, but unfortunately I was born without that certain anatomical set.

Driving home I realized that I have a lot of stigmas regarding intimate physical relationships, and that one will probably be hard for me to accomplish. On the same note, I realize my extreme need for a close emotional relationship with someone.

Is it possible to have someone you bond with emotionally on an intense and nearly spiritual level, who also understands your physical hangups? I really would like there to be. Eh - probably not. Perhaps I am more broken than I thought.

It's just this concept of sex I don't understand. To me, it is the bonding of two souls, the ultimate expression of love. To guys, and just about every body else these days- it's merely this physical thing of "blowing a load" or whatever the case may be. I guess that religion thing seeped deep down into something somewhere. Or, again, more broken than I thought.

You say you can't tell who these are about? Really? Am I honestly that good at masking myself in layers of sweet enigma-ey goo? Covering myself in a flaky crust of vagueness? I didn't think so, but apparently I am. Or your extreme desire of them not to be about you masks the fact they are.

Wait, did I just say that?

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