Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I am sorry if you waste your time with my like billion posts a day

I really am. I'm trying to go to bed, and I keep thinking over and over... 

What did this mean? What does that mean? That couldn't have been for me, could it have? Why am I full to the brim with buzzing butterflies one moment, and hollow the next? Am I vain?

Was it like this before and my eyes just became opened? Did everyone really change that much towards me? 

If I don't like him, why won't he get out of my head? Is it all just a game? Is he nothing more than a puzzle I have to solve? A riddle?

What about the other him, why do I feel such an incessant desire to open his brain and delve inside? Will it be comforting? Terrifying? We've only spoken a dozen words to each other, does reading someone's thoughts count? What was the comment, the post about? Did my own vagueness inspire something so vague no one will ever know? Deleted, why? Will I ever actually be able to pry? Will I have the balls? Am I wallowing in self pity? Am I so broken I can't even see it? 

Will we stay together? Will we fall away? The internet, is is strong enough? Without common ground can we still be friends? Will we even lose that common ground? Will our employer make the right decision?

Where am I going to go to school? What am I majoring in? Do I double major? How am I to do it? Where do I live? Work? Is the potential gain worth the guaranteed loss? Is there anything left to lose? Is there even anything to gain?

How was I able to be so honest and open? Have I changed, or is it just my perception? Is perception reality? Am I reality? Who decides what is fact and what is illusion? Why?

Is there a God? Does he love me? Do I anger him by my collage of beliefs? Delight him? Will he touch me as he did in the past again? Do I have to hold on to that one feeling to last forever? Was it all in my mind?

Does he really think I'd let him go? Is it really so trivial? Isn't it? Could I walk away the day our client does? Never look back? Would it all fade? Will I ever find what I'm looking for?

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

1 comment:

  1. You're not wallowing in self pity. That's what I hate about blogs; all the vagueness that has to be applied. Also, my emo levels are somehow exaggerated when I write in online blogs. I'd love to hang out sometime and spill guts with you though. I just don't like to keep my brain open for public use. :]