Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It's only a date if it goes well, says Jack.

It's 3:22 pm on a lovely Tuesday afternoon. I am sitting on Az's computer while a boy gets ready in the bathroom. I have this dreadful sensation that as soon as I turn the key in Az's lock that this reverie we're in will be shattered forever. I've been thinking a lot of irrational things lately though, I suppose. And so I will sit here and type and get kissed and such. Yup, I would say that it counts as a date...

Now it's 1:17 am, and time to reflect and to spill all the...well, most of the juicy details. This will be a detailed account of the past two days, so if you'd like a synapsis, know that I had an amazing time with an amazing boy and that I am a happy Treasure Troll and sometimes puma.

Midterm for Biology: 1:00pm on Monday. I was so the first one done at 45min. later (75 multiple choice Qs and 2 Essay.) Oh well, I've always been a quick test taker. I hope I did okay...

Jack called and wanted to know what I was up to. I told him and he convinced me that we'd real quickly do some things and I could get on to my plans with boy. He also said he wanted to change my headlight. So, we did that and went to PCC to get him signed up for classes. The advisor did her math wrong on my graduation sheet. Oh well, I can count, and so I just need to send in the petition for graduation and I'll be good to go! So excited to be making progress. The advising session took quite a bit of time and accomplished nothing - very important I'm sure. So then I realized I need Viso. The hunt was on. Cheveron and Trader Joes were a bust - except for the divine samples and chocolate covered expresso beans from Trader Joe's. Whole Foods came through for me though, with more delicious samples.

Back to Jack's - call boy, boy had to save a life. Wow, really? I wouldn't have known what to do. You amaze me every day, boy. Boy gets on train and comes to join me at Jack's. Gosh, how do I make this not awkward? Oh, just act however I want to... okay.

Get on train. Ride around to find some food. Get lost looking for Kell's. Hear a fight or two near Portland Rescue Mission. Reboard train. Ride to Llyod Center. Boy decides to not believe my own admission at my clumsiness....and I strap some ice skates to my premature baby ankles. He schools me epically. I fall. Then we decide to go watch Watchmen. We get stuck behind this Asian lady who asks what time every movie is, what they're about, etc. Oh well, we got into the theatre on time. Watchmen was amazing. The picture was clear, crisp, and refreshing. The colors were bright and dark compliments and the movie was very well put together. The plot was relevant, philosophical, and had enough funny moments to avoid being dull. Bravo.

Out of the theatre and the mall is completely shut down. Eerie. In a need to gtfo (where the need came from I'm not sure....) we hop into a 'authorized personel only' hall. No alarms, no worries. Although I did have the urge to be a puma in some of those dark halls.

We get outside. The world is quiet, peaceful. Few lone wanders like ourselves. I'm sure in the suburbs the sky was beautifully littered with stars. I'm sure it is freezing, but I can't really feel it. Apparently, it is not Saturday. It is ours, but the world does not run on our timetable. The max cannot get me home - and cuddling with an ex doesn't seem like an amazing idea. Az! Glorious, wonderful Az. I remember her mentioning the Llyod Center is close to her home - it is late, but I call her. She answers and we walk to her abode. The walk there is full of lots of puma thoughts, along with accompaning wonderings as to where this is coming from... There is a tea bag in a puddle and the boy notices. The world is having a cup of tea, he says. Surprise me again.

Outside her door. The buzz in is not working... she will come collect us as the lady with the dog ignores us. Showers of small pecks. How I'd love a kiss. I try. I fail. Wait, what? He starts to explain as Az appears. He explains. This is too much for me to take in. I realize how awful that must make me - my feeling to run away. My initial response to stay as far away as possible combats with my desire to be with him. I realize that there are no strings attached and if it really bugs me I can always leave. No one has clipped my wings. I decide to stay. I decide to follow life where it takes me. He relates that while he is not totally against the idea, he doesn't know how to really. Oh joy, someone to mold. I think this shall be fun, if he allows me to - of course.

He makes up for the lack of true kissing. We stay up til morning chatting and eventually drift off. Az's futon is amazing - but not nearly as much as its owner. I realize how lucky I am to have these two people in my life. In the same room, at the same time. I feel.... a happiness or completeness or something else equally amazing.

In the morning we play the lazy kissing, enjoying each other game. He keeps trying to convince me that it makes more sense to jump in together. I decline, and spend my time trying to gather my thoughts. I don't really succeed. After much bending, and ... not quite breaking but definitely spraining or fracturing, we head out into the world again. I am slightly downtrodden over my lack of defense. I do have to note that... well, wow. His idiosyncrasis were made up for at least for that day. I think in the longer run we'll get past it, if not I probably won't be able to stay - not sure what that makes me as a person, probably awful. But...there are things which are very important to me and this is one of them.

We finally get the dinner we neglected the night before. It is 3:00 pm or so the day after our 'date.' We then play some air hockey, where I am schooled, followed by more looking retarded doing some fake ddr and then more failing whilest racing. Well, I didn't fail too bad except when I played the child...

Pamts. I need new ones. John decided to write a sweetery hangman style on the ones I am wearing. He takes me into Express. I so wouldn't have let him buy me anything there - seriously. AEO is more than fine. Now's probably a good time to note that it seems money is a big deal to him. The aquisition, and the showing that you have it. To me, I couldn't care less if we split everything down the middle, or had gone to Marshalls or Ross like I suggested. I know that as a boy you're supposed to show your...prowess or something. It's just not something I understand completely. Perhaps it is because that Clint got the first date and everything else was either split or purchased by me until the like... 3rd year when we had a joint account and so it didn't really matter. I'm not used to having my coat held, my doors opened, my bags carried. I will try to resist this act of chivalry for no other reason besides unfamiliarity.

While trying on pants I realize I look like a local Portlander- and not in a good way like I mean that phrase sometimes... yikes! Aren't you supposed to be pretty and polished in these situations? I suppose that I failed epically and will atone myself the next time he sees me to erase the memory of frizzied unmakeuped afro woman. At least I'm two sizes smaller than I thought I was. It could have been the brand though.

It is getting late, and a friend's birthday party is approaching. I do not want to leave his side. I quickly realize the irrationality of this. We need to SLOW DOWN. For fucks sake, Stephanie - realize what's happening. Survey your surroundings and take a breather. Slower, slower, okay. Relax. Continue - chastely this time and for a while longer.

He rides the train with me. As I suppose a good wooer would. There are some odd people that partake in public transportation. I hardly notice, my eyes are either focused outside, on him, or on the cover of the book the lady accross the aisle is reading. It is a pretty, fluffy, orange kitty. Time to drive home. Kiss. Not a real kiss, mind you. God - is it really going to bug me that much? A peck would have been appropriate for that time - unless he wanted me to need to gain composure of myself. However, I think it's the fact that he won't do it which probably makes me want it more. That double edged sword. I broke him a little bit already, and I don't think he hated it. We'll see I suppose. I am sorry if it makes you uncomfortable that I am writing about you so openly - it's just how I do.

Home. I just change my clothes, answer a few questions and am out the door. Drinking and chilling with people. As I squee over Fallout 3 and talk about Elder Scrolls and the perils of WoW; as I talk computer specs and such, I realize that only like two people know what I'm talking about. You're a gamer girl? Asks his friend's mother who someone ended up being there. I..uh... not...really? I mean I... a guy behind me answers yes for me. I realize that I have been corrupted - and that I like it.

I head home and try to decompress the past 48 hours of my life. I fail.

How did I end up where I am at? It is a place I would never think to have found myself. How could I be calling Az at midnight needing a place to stay? Az, who has become such an amazing friend I don't know what I would do without her. I only hope that she magically gets a fantastic job here so she can stay and be happy. Otherwise, I'd rather see her in No.Ho. for her own benefit. Selfishly of course I hope she doesn't get it - but that's not fair to her, and she deserves all the world. When I first met her I would have bet money this wouldn't have happened. I cannot express in words how happy I am that it did. She is fun and supportive and ... amazing!

Then there's you. You have me so intrigued I need to come back for more. You who weakened me into a pile of goo beneath your touch. You who seem so sure at times and fragile at others. Where on earth did this come from? You pulled me in long ago with your writing, your interest in mine. You were silly, and always said things which made me want to know the whole story. You are reserved yet ridiculously outgoing. You make me think things, and feel things, I haven't in a long long time - if ever. This scares me, terrfies me straight through my entire being and into my core. Please, let us simmer. Smallest of small steps. If I fall too fast I might resent myself, or you. Something I never want to do.

Breathe in, breathe out. Publish post.

1 comment: