Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I can write a blog!

So, I realized that I haven't been keeping my journal up to date. It's actually sitting underneath my lamp, which sits on top of my table...which is at the apartment Clint and I once shared. That whole real life pen and paper thing is awesome, but not very transferable.

I was reading Az's blog andtachos and realized, fuck. Not only can a blog be ridiculously entertaining, putting your feelings out there in more than just 140 characters can be a very cleansing thing. Or healing, or... whatever term you choose to use there to represent good.

There's been so much drama in my life lately which I've just kind of been leaking out to whoever would listen. I've probably alienated most of the people I call friends, and yet I don't think the drama train is stopping any time soon. I can't believe that Clint and I have been broken up for two months already. It feels like just yesterday I was able to wake up beside him in the morning and cuddle and get kisses. Having someone to be there, just...exist is so absolutely amazing and I am so broken without it.

I can't help but blame myself, even though I know I shouldn't. I think, maybe...just maybe. If I hadn't been pressuring the marriage thing, if I'd just taken a 'We'll see what happens.' attitude, that we'd still be together. I'm only 20 years old for fucks sake. Sure, we'd been together for 4 years, but I wasn't really ready for all that marriage stuff, was I?

He's still the one that I want to be with, even after everything he's done to me. I don't think that I could be with him now. He flat out doesn't deserve me. That's such a lie, but I hope that I'd make him work for it. I'm not something to toss around and leave at the wayside. I'm totally making up words, aren't I?

Either way, I'm laying here in bed, now crying my eyes out, and it's getting late. I'll be sure to keep in touch with my...self I guess. Non-existent readers, good night.


  1. You haven't alienated us, we are still here, and still listen, and still let you cry on our shoulder.

    It will all get better, I promise... I just can't promise a timeframe, sorry.


  2. Generally I use the term "good" to represent good. As for that journal, we're going to go get it tonight. Sure we might die in the process (due to freezing cold and pools) but it's worth it right? (Just say "Yes") Lastly, questioning what's the right time for you after you've already decided and now looking back and wondering can all be shortened to "settling". You shouldn't settle for anyone or anything less than what you absolutely want.